31. Kaelus
KAELUS
Kaelus had never understood why males became emotional during Joining ceremonies.
He had attended more than a dozen of them over the years, standing among other guests while some fortunate Kindred warrior knelt before the female the Goddess had chosen for him and pledged his life, his strength, and his devotion to her.
Sometimes the male’s voice broke—sometimes tears filled his eyes. Once, Kaelus had watched an enormous Beast Kindred who outweighed him by nearly thirty kilos sob openly as his new bride cupped his face and accepted his vows.
Kaelus had never mocked such displays—he wasn’t that much of an asshole—but he had never understood them either. A Joining was simply a public acknowledgment of a Bond which had already formed—an emotional ceremony surrounding a biological reality. Beautiful, perhaps, but hardly mysterious.
At least that was what he had always believed.
Now, standing in the private suite he and Clair had shared since arriving on Titus Four, adjusting the dark formal tunic Maera had sent for him, Kaelus finally understood.
He was going to kneel before the woman he loved and vow himself to her for life…and then he was going to leave her.
The thought was almost unbearable, but there was no other honorable choice.
Clair had never asked to be Bonded to him. She had repeatedly told him that after her disastrous marriage to James, she wanted nothing to do with another permanent relationship. She had come to Titus Four as his scientific partner and agreed to pretend to be his wife for the sake of their mission.
Everything that had happened afterward—the kisses, the nights in the same bed, the intimate rituals, the massage, even the desperate mating in the Containment Center—had grown out of circumstances neither of them could have predicted.
Clair had given him her body because she was trying to save his life.
She had not given him her future…but he had taken it anyway.
Kaelus looked at his reflection in the long, polished panel beside the dressing area and barely recognized the male looking back at him.
The physicians had repaired most of the damage to his shoulder, though a broad healing patch still covered the place where Sendar’s blaster bolt had burned through flesh and muscle.
He could move the arm, though it hurt whenever he lifted it too high.
The physical pain was insignificant, however.
What disturbed him was the dark silver band around his opposite biceps—the devotion band Clair had placed there with her own hands only days ago.
Knowing what he did, he should have removed it.
After the way he had treated her in the Containment Center—taking her so forcefully and Bonding her against her will—he had no right to wear it.
He had even considered doing so several times since returning from the medical center…
.but he found that he couldn’t make himself do it.
His thumb brushed over the cool metal. On Titus Four, the band proclaimed that a male belonged to a woman who cherished him. At the time, he had told Clair he wanted to wear it because they needed to maintain their cover. That had been a lie—perhaps not entirely a lie, but close enough.
The moment she fastened the band around his biceps, something deep inside him had rejoiced at the symbolism. Hers. He belonged to Clair Donovan. He had wanted it to be true even before he understood how much he loved her.
Now it actually was true, in a twisted way.
The Bond existed between them despite everything Kaelus had believed was possible about Hybrid Kindred physiology.
Somewhere inside his mind he could feel Clair with an intimacy that both comforted and terrified him—a warm, bright presence on the other side of the barrier he had erected between them.
Occasionally an emotion slipped through despite his efforts…curiosity…irritation…affection. Once, while they were separated at the medical center, he had felt a sudden pulse of worry so sharp that he knew she had been thinking about his injured shoulder.
The natural instinct of a Bonded male was to open himself completely to his mate, but Kaelus did the opposite—he reinforced the barrier. Because he knew if he allowed the connection to deepen, leaving her would become even harder.
More importantly, Clair might feel what he felt for her, and he refused to use the Bond to influence her. She deserved to decide what she wanted without his emotions pressing against her mind every waking moment.
Even if that meant she decided she wanted a life without him.
A soft knock sounded against the suite door and Kaelus turned.
“Come in.”
Varell entered wearing a formal cream-colored garment with metallic silver embroidery flowing along the collar and sleeves. He looked considerably less relaxed than he normally did, though some of that was undoubtedly the aftermath of Sendar’s arrest.
The Council had spent much of the previous night reviewing the Archive data and the recorder-bee footage, and Sendar was now being held in a secure medical detention facility under constant guard.
Of course, the evidence was overwhelming, Kaelus thought with grim satisfaction. Even if the bastard tried to retract his confession, the biological transport records, the stolen samples, the genetic manipulations, and the Glenvarren shipment logs established exactly what he had done.
“The gathering is ready,” Varell said. “There are only a few Council members present, as you requested. Maera felt neither you nor Clair would want a large ceremony after everything that happened yesterday.”
“She was correct,” Kaelus said.
Varell studied him.
“And you are certain you still wish to proceed?”
Kaelus almost laughed at the question. He hadn’t been certain of anything since he’d gotten to Titus Four and started pretending Clair was his wife instead of his lab partner.
“Yes,” he said, because what else could he say? He did wish to vow himself to Clair and bind her to him for life. He wanted it more than he wanted his next breath.
But he was certain that once she found out he had Bonded her against her will, Clair wouldn’t want him anymore. So the ceremony they were about to engage in felt hollow.
Still, at least he would have one chance to speak his heart to her and tell her how he really felt, Kaelus told himself. Even if he had to let her go afterwards, he would be able to bare his soul to her just this once.
He only wished they could be together forever, but he knew that was impossible.