Chapter Twelve
The moment Redford had placed Carmen on her feet, she dropped to her knees in front of the commode. He stood there feeling useless because there was nothing he could do. Then he felt a degree of guilt because he had brought this on her by getting her pregnant. He wasn’t an amateur when it came to having sex with a woman and he had taken precautions. However, he hadn’t known being inside her body would drive him over the edge four times.
He hadn’t expected it and definitely hadn’t prepared for it. When it had happened, all he could do was let things rip. He’d been too gripped in the throes of ecstasy to do anything other than maintain a frantic rhythm while thrusting deeper inside of her.
The sound of her throwing up caught his attention and he dropped down on the floor beside her to gently rub her back, while wishing there was more he could do. At that moment she and the baby were the center of his thoughts, and the sound of her emptying her stomach like this tore at his heart.
He wasn’t sure just how long the two of them remained on that floor, but he’d known she’d finished when he felt her back flinch beneath his hand. That’s when she must have realized he was down there with her. He hadn’t been around a pregnant woman who’d had a difficult pregnancy before. Leslie had had an easy pregnancy, and according to Tyler, Keosha had had morning sickness but had only thrown up a few times. He could definitely see why Leslie was worried about Carmen.
“Thanks for bringing me in here. Not sure I would have made it in time.”
When she stood and flushed the toilet, he stood as well. His hand moving from her back to gently stroke her braid. “You don’t have to thank me, Carmen. I’m glad I was here.”
She didn’t say anything as she moved to the vanity. He watched as she uncapped a bottle of water on ice to drench a face cloth before using it to pat her face. Then she brushed her teeth and thoroughly rinsed out her mouth with mouthwash. She met his gaze in the mirror.
“You look beautiful, Carmen.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
“We still need to talk, Redford.”
“Right now, I need to get you back in bed. Do you need to change your gown?”
She shook her head. “No, but I’ll need another robe. Could you have Leslie come in here, please? She’ll know where they are.”
“Leslie isn’t here.”
He saw the surprised look on her face. “She’s not here? Where is she?”
“Since Sloan is leaving in the morning, she went with him to visit his brother and his wife.”
“Oh. I’d forgotten Jess and Paige live here in DC, too.”
“Leslie told me to let you know she’d only be gone for a few hours. Tell me where a fresh robe is and I’ll get it for you.”
She hesitated and then said, “There’s one in my closet, hanging up on the left side.”
He nodded and went to get it. He wasn’t surprised to see how neat and orderly her closet was compared to his. It was also a lot smaller, although she definitely had a lot more clothes. One of the first dresses he saw was the shimmering blue one she’d been wearing at Jaxon and Nadia’s wedding. The one he had taken off her. He pulled a robe off the hanger while potent memories flooded him.
He made his way back to the bathroom and handed her the robe. “Thanks,” she said, taking it from his hand and then looking at him expectantly.
When he didn’t move, she said, “You can leave now. I need to change.”
He lifted a brow. She was just changing robes, not gowns. Even if she had been changing gowns, he had seen her naked before.
Instead of reminding her of that, he said, “I’ll be outside the door if you need me.”
She frowned. “I’m not incapable, Redford.”
Leslie had warned him she would say that. She didn’t want anyone to do for her what she could still do for herself, and he admired her for that. He studied her for a moment before gently caressing her cheek. “I know you’re not, Carmen. I just want you to know I’m here if needed.”
He smiled before turning to leave, closing the door behind him.
Carmen released a deep whoosh of air from her lungs. Why had he given her one of his notorious smiles before walking out the door? And why did he have to play the part of the gallant hero by sweeping her into his arms and carrying her into the bathroom, where she’d performed the most unromantic act? She recalled the exact moment she’d felt his hand stroking her back and realized he was down on the floor beside her. His care had sent shivers of desire racing through her.
Desire?
Desire should be the last thing on her mind, especially with Redford St. James, she thought, removing her robe to put on another. Just knowing he was outside the door unnerved her because whether she wanted to admit it or not, she still desired him.
And then he’d told her she was beautiful. Beautiful? He had to be kidding. However, her parents had raised her to accept a compliment, even if it was an outright lie. Anyone looking at her could see she was a mess. Like she’d been rung through a wringer a few times.
Why was he being so nice? And why did he want to claim her child? Doing so had to benefit him somehow. What other reason could there be? And because she was convinced he had some kind of ulterior motive, she wasn’t having any part of it.
There was a soft knock on the bathroom door. “Yes?”
“Are you okay?”
She frowned. What had Redford thought? She’d drowned in the commode? She bit back the retort and instead said, “Yes, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”
After tying the sash around her waist, she opened the door and he was right there. Before she could say anything, he swept her into his arms. “I can walk, Redford,” she snapped.
“I know that. Just humor me.”
She didn’t want to humor him. She honestly didn’t want him there. Instead of placing her in the bed like she thought he would do, he sat down on the love seat with her in his lap.
“What are you doing?”
“Holding you so we can talk.”
Yes, they definitely needed to talk, but did she have to be in his lap to do so? “We could have talked while I was in the bed.”
“I prefer this way. You’re closer to me. I need to hold you and feel the connection to our baby.”
Now why would he say something like that? The last thing she wanted was her thoughts to soften where he was concerned. “Okay, let’s talk. I want to know—what’s your hidden agenda?”
He honestly looked confused. “My hidden agenda?”
“Yes. There has to be a reason why a man who’s always said he never wanted kids suddenly wants them. I figure there has to be a hidden agenda. What is it?”
“You honestly believe that?”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
He stared at her for a long moment. “I see what I told you about not wanting kids has put you into a super protective mode where our child is concerned.”
She nodded. “Of course I’m protective when it comes to my child.”
He nodded. “I think I should tell you why I said I never wanted children, Carmen.”
She wished she could ignore the fact that his voice was not only soft and husky, it was also intimate. It was as if there was more between them than a baby that she wanted but he didn’t.
She studied him and saw the intense look in his penetrating gaze. “Yes, maybe you should.”
He didn’t say anything for several moments and then he began. “Years ago, at the age of seventeen, I met this girl. She moved to town when her father’s job with the railroad transferred him to Skagway. We saw a lot of each other over the summer and at some point in our senior year of high school we decided to make a go at things. I had planned to attend college in Anchorage and her plan was to attend school in Juneau.”
“What was her name?”
“Candy. Candy Porter. She and I talked about marriage after college and things seemed great. We also talked about the children we would have together one day. We wanted four.”
A knot formed in Carmen’s chest. She could hear the pain in his words, which made her ask, “Did she die? Is that why you can’t envision yourself falling for someone else and sharing a child with them?”
His chuckle was derisive enough to send a shiver through her. She immediately knew her assumption was wrong. “Yes, in a manner of speaking, she did die, but not the way you think. She died in my heart.”
Carmen swallowed deeply and didn’t say anything. Instead, she waited for him to explain. “At the end of our senior year of high school, I felt something was off-kilter but didn’t know what. I figured we were busy trying to make good grades and get into the colleges of our choice. I never guessed that she was sneaking around behind my back with another guy.”
“What! She was cheating on you with a guy who attended your school?”
“No, he was an older guy who’d graduated two years earlier and worked on the docks.”
Carmen nodded. “How did you find out about them?”
“They kept their affair secret until prom night. I took her there and found her in the parking lot, in the back seat of the guy’s car, making out. From the sounds of her orgasmic screams, she seemed to be enjoying herself. Unfortunately, others were with me and saw what happened. By the next day, the entire town knew what she’d done and with whom. I felt betrayed and humiliated. She had taken advantage of my love and my entire life was left in shambles. I knew then that I could never fall in love with anyone again. As for kids, I’d always connected any kids of mine as hers. I honestly believed I would never want to be any woman’s husband or any kid’s father.”
He held her gaze as if what he was about to say was important, something he needed her to hear and understand. “Nothing has changed about me never falling in love again, Carmen. Candy Porter’s betrayal destroyed my heart, as well as my desire for marriage and a family. However, the moment Sloan told me you were pregnant, something happened I hadn’t expected.”
“What?”
“A father’s love. I hadn’t known such a thing could exist until then. But the more I thought about it, the more it makes sense. There’s no reason I wouldn’t make a good father since I had a great role model. My dad was the best. And my two closest friends are great dads. I am a responsible person, and don’t mind taking on commitments. The only reason I had decided against kids was because I knew I would never get married.”
Carmen didn’t respond for a moment and then she said, “Thanks for sharing that with me, Redford.”
“The reason I told you, Carmen, is for you to know why I’ve felt that way over the years. And why it’s important to me to be here with you during this difficult time. This baby isn’t just yours, it’s ours. We’re not married, and I can’t see myself marrying someone I don’t love just for the sake of a child. However, there are some things I hold sacred. Fatherhood is one of them. I have moral and ethical standards. Marriage or no marriage, I will always be there for our child and for you as the mother of our child. There is no hidden agenda for wanting to claim my child. And it’s important to me to be here to take care of you.”
“What about your job?”
“I’m taking a leave of absence. I have a good executive team in place. If an emergency comes up that needs my attention, they know how to reach me.”
She didn’t say anything at first, and then, “You’ve given me a lot to think about, Redford. I’m not sure, even after what you’ve told me, that my thoughts will change. Earlier you said I’m in a super protective mode when it comes to my child, and I am. I’m not sure you’re there.”
“I wouldn’t be here wanting to take care of the two of you if I wasn’t there, Carmen.”
“Is Candy still living in Skagway?”
“No. The guy she betrayed me with dumped her. Then she left for college and met and married a military guy. I understand they have two kids.”
She wondered how he knew that. Did he keep up with her? As if he’d known her thoughts, he said, “Her parents still live in Skagway, and she often comes to visit them. At some point, she apologized to my parents. The whole thing was one hell of a scandal, and for years her reputation was in shambles.”
“Did she ever apologize to you?” Carmen asked.
“No, but not for lack of trying. I refused to accept her calls and letters, and I made sure our paths didn’t cross whenever I returned to Skagway.”
Deciding to change the subject, she asked, “I’m feeling a little hungry. Did Leslie leave the soup out for dinner?”
“Yes. I’ll prepare you a bowl,” he said, standing with her in his arms and then placing her on the sofa. “Do you prefer getting back in bed?”
“No, sitting here is fine.”
He nodded. “It won’t take me long to warm up the soup. I hope you’ll be able to keep it down.”
“I hope so, too.”
She watched him leave, thinking about what he’d shared with her. Candy had broken his heart and that was the reason he would never love anyone else. It was sad that after all this time Candy hadn’t died in his heart like he thought, but that she still had a hold on it.