9. Diana #2
His smile is broad and open, the look on someone’s face when they get something they worked so hard to achieve. It throws me off for a moment. Suddenly, I’m thankful for the dark aviators covering half of my face, hiding my expressions.
“So, tell me. Is everything okay at work?” he asks, looking genuinely concerned.
And screw him for that, because I’m starting to really like him as a person, and I don’t need someone else in my life to care about. The fewer people in your life, the simpler things are and I really don’t need complicated now. It’s just basic relationship math.
“It’s actually amazing, which is the weird part. I’m good at this. And I like what I do.”
Sure, I currently work in a corporate law firm, but it’s not all evil corporations and billionaires living in secret lairs, petting white cats in their laps.
It’s interesting contract law, problem solving, finding creative solutions around someone’s language.
It’s fascinating work. And I’ve been kicking butt, doing better than most first- and second-year associates.
Catching their mistakes, finding alternative solutions which, thankfully, Edgar is willing to hear me out on.
So much so, he’s included me in several meetings and email exchanges on the case.
“Diana Castillo. Kicking ass and taking names,” Michael says with a heartbreaking grin that looks angelic and sinful at the same time.
I laugh at that. “I wish. Though I do actually have this meeting thing in New York City my boss asked me to go to, but…”
“But what?”
“The trip will probably be an all day thing since it’s a newer client, bigger than we’ve ever taken on, and will require a lot of schmoozing. And I have no one to watch the girls after camp.”
Michael scoffs. “I can do it.”
“What? No, I could never ask you to—”
“You didn’t ask. I offered.”
I lift a brow. “No, I couldn’t. It’s… a lot. And I don’t know you that well yet. Not well enough to leave you my kids, I don’t think.”
A little hurt flashes through his eyes, but he’s quick to control it. Though I certainly don’t miss it.
Michael nods thoughtfully. “Okay. Heard. And fair. We haven’t known each other that long. But how about you think it over before rejecting my offer? You don’t have to say yes now.”
“I will. Think about it, I mean. And I really appreciate the offer, either way. This is kind of a big opportunity for me. To be honest, if I hadn’t married young, I probably would’ve gone to law school.
And I guess maybe that’s what’s making work so difficult?
Knowing that I would’ve kicked ass as a lawyer. ”
He grins at me. “I can see you kicking ass at it. Except I’m sorry you’re living with the whole regretting-marrying-young part.”
“Yeah, but as big of an ass as Rodrigo is, I can’t fully regret him or the way my life turned out. It brought me my girls, after all.”
“It’s okay to regret not doing something without feeling guilty, Diana.
Just because it wouldn’t have led to a specific thing doesn’t mean you can’t regret how some of the parts of your life turned out.
Like, I’ve been trying to come to peace with how I chose to forgo a parental relationship with Rachel years ago.
I think of all the things I missed out on.
But I also know who I was back then, and I would’ve been the worst parent.
Resentful, absent, angry. I had that growing up—from both of my parents—and it certainly did not make for a happy childhood. I wanted more for her—not just for me.”
Michael takes a deep breath and closes his eyes as if steeling himself to say something important.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to forgive yourself.
About how it feels incredibly selfish of me to do so.
But I also think that if I don’t do it, I’m going to fail Rachel.
Because she needs an involved parent who is able to stop living in the past and be able to be present while thinking of the future.
I can only control what happens now, not what I did or didn’t do before.
If I had stayed, if I had done the, quote, ‘responsible’ thing, I probably wouldn’t have given her the dad she deserved.
Because even if I was never her dad, I was never not there for Jessie or Rachel.
Anything they needed, I gave them. I think that while I caused some damage, I can change my situation now.
I have to.” I watch as he white-knuckles the beach chair’s armrests, his gaze far away and almost haunted.
“And that means you can do that, too—but with yourself.”
“Yeah.” I nod, but I’m not too convinced.
“Maybe you’re right in your case. But it’s not like I’m in this position where I can pursue a completely different life now.
Sure, law school sounds like a dream. But that’s exactly what it is.
I can barely handle the current state of my life now—how am I supposed to handle law school on top of everything else? ”
“What about your ex? I mean, he’s there, right? I assume he co-parents at least to some degree.”
“Rodrigo?” I snort. “Please. I can’t even get him to reply to his daughters’ messages.
The girls have been sending him letters twice a week all summer, and he hasn’t called or replied once to them.
All I do is lie to them, and tell them the post office keeps losing them, and Daddy’s phone doesn’t work.
I have no idea how Rodrigo could do this, treat his children that way.
It’s not something I would’ve ever thought him capable of, even at his worst.”
His face softens as his gorgeous hazel eyes—looking more like a peaceful meadow under the sun—travel across my face. “I’m sorry to hear that. He has no idea what he’s missing out on.”
“Yeah.” I laugh once, shaking my head.
“It kills me to think I reminded you of him.” His voice is soft, but I can feel the pain in it. Guilt floods my system, because I know now he isn’t like Rodrigo.
“I misjudged you, Michael. Please don’t think I still have that impression of you.
Your thing wasn’t the same,” I say, wrapping a hand around his bicep, trying really hard not to notice how muscular it is, how warm and soft yet still strong it feels beneath my fingertips.
“You stepped up when you were needed. And you weren’t when Jessie got pregnant.