22. Chapter 21
Raegan - The Past
Leaning my face into Austin’s neck I let the song wash over me. I respond not only to the words, but the slow and seductive rhythm and melody. My skin hums at every point of contact with Austin’s, and my heart slows down to match the music.
“ Give in to me .” The vocalists sing. I find that I want to give in.
To these new feelings. These new desires.
To be closer to Austin. To experience more with him.
I’ve been fine with the hand holding, with the sweet little kisses.
Okay, they’ve been getting a little stronger than sweet.
There’s steam and desperation in them these days.
And that kiss in the truck tonight? And this song and dance now…
I feel almost as if I’ve accidentally had some alcohol.
Well, I assume this is what people feel like after they’ve had a drink.
What has happened to me? I haven’t felt like this before.
I haven’t wanted more. I’ve wanted to stick to our boundaries.
I’ve wanted to do it God’s way. Why do I want more now?
Austin’s voice hums against my head, and a shiver ripples down my spine. Heat spreads from the ripple, curling all around me. I lift my head from Austin’s neck, and look through my eyelashes at him.
Those verdant pools reflect the feelings that I know shine clearly in my own eyes.
Our eyes remain connected for the rest of the song, just like our bodies.
I can’t form any words, or coherent thoughts.
They’re all a tangled mess in my brain. All that matters is me and Austin. The song ends. And the spell breaks.
In a daze, my hand still clasping Austin's, we join our friends, closer to the crackling bonfire.
“Jeez Louise. I ain’t ever seen that many eye babies made before.
” Chrissy’s tone is filled with warning, but also with love.
Her comment pulls me from my romantic stupor.
I’ve been playing with fire, and I know she’s trying to remind me to behave.
A sliver of me is upset that she’s semi-chastising me, but I did ask her to help me keep my dating boundaries.
Playing with fire will get me burned. It started with my hand on his thigh in the truck. And now this dance where he held me so close, so intimately. And these feelings coursing through me. Feelings I don’t know how to manage.
I give Chrissy a half-smile before taking a seat on one of the logs.
I lean into Austin’s warmth. Our shoulders touch, our legs brush.
I rest my head on his shoulder and just stare into the fire.
Did we overstep the boundaries we set? Are we moving too fast?
Can we not be trusted, and always have to have someone around?
We were surrounded by people while we were dancing.
And I’ve seen worse dancing at school dances than what we did.
My eyes caress Austin’s profile as I mull it all over. These feelings. Am I awakening something I shouldn’t, like the verse in Song of Solomon says?
Chrissy pokes me in my ribs and I jolt upward. She wiggles her brows at me, then her eyes narrow, piercing me. “You okay, you had a… look…” – She uses air quotes as she says the word look – “on your face when y’all finished dancing.”
I’m not sure how to answer her question. I’m physically fine. But emotionally? I’m a pile of rope, an unraveled pile of knots. “I... I honestly don’t know.” I whisper to her. It’s something I’ll bring up with my mom, once I’m home. She’ll know what to do, the right things to say.
I shrug my shoulders and give her a melancholy grin. Wrapping my arms around her shoulders I tug her close. I don’t know what I would do without her friendship, her support.
I tug my phone from my pocket to check the time. I’ve still got an hour until I’m supposed to be home. I want a hug from my mom. I want to know that everything will be okay. To be assured that I haven’t gone too far.
I stare into the fire for a few seconds more, watching as a log shifts, sending up a shower of sparks.
I want Austin’s and my love to burn that brightly forever.
But I don’t want to mess things up, and have our relationship sputter out because we’ve taken things too far.
And I know that’s what would likely happen if things go too far.
We’d have to tighten up our boundaries, go our separate ways, or get married.
But I’m not sure if we’re ready for that step yet.
“I think I’m ready to go home, Chris.” I finally whisper, using that old childhood nickname that she outgrew long ago.
Her eyes search mine. “You afraid you’ll turn back into jeans, plaid, and cowboy boots Raegan if I don’t get you home in time?” Her eyes twinkle as she asks the question.
“I just might. I am tired, but…” I look away. “I want to talk with my mom.”
“Did something happen?” She asks, her voice a low whisper, her brows knit in concern.
“No, nothing happened. I just…” I shake my head. “Some feelings.”
Her hand rubs my back, as if she’s ready for me to spill. But now isn’t the time.
“I’ll tell you about it later, after I’ve talked it over with Mom. If you and Jaimie are okay with it, maybe we could head out?”
“You got it, girl. I’ll go let her know.” She squeezes my arm and gets up to tell Jaimie. I breathe a sigh of relief that she didn’t push the subject.
“You doing okay, Sunshine?” Austin turns those warm green eyes on me, searching me, his hand finding mine and holding it tight.
“I’m tired. It’s been a long day. I wanna talk with my mom.”
He nods. “I’m beat too. Who knew graduating was that tiring?” He laughs and presses a kiss to my cheek. Tingles erupt and race down my spine. “I’m cool with heading home, you have to ride with Jaimie right, since it’s dark out now?”
“Yep, once it’s dark, I’ll turn into a pumpkin if I ride with you.
” I joke, trying to lighten the mood. But what I want is to lean in and kiss him.
Riding home with him would be too much, especially with the new feelings racing through my body.
It would be too easy to make a mistake. I still want to do things right, I can’t awaken love until it’s the right time.
Once Chrissy and Jaimie return, Chrissy hooks her arms over my and Jaimie’s shoulders. I slip an arm around her waist, while my other hand clings to Austin’s hand. We walk in silence, the music and sounds of the celebration fading behind us.
“I need a few quick kisses before you hop in.” Austin whispers as we stop beside Jaimie’s green truck.
“I’ll give you five.” I whisper, powerless to deny him.
“Only five?” He smirks and raises an eyebrow. “I’ll accept five, but you know… If you change your mind and want to give me more...” He winks at me.
If I could I’d give him a million. I’d ignore the little voice in my head. I’d give into him, just like that song said. Start that fire. Dive into the heat.
My eyelids slip closed, and his mouth devours mine.
I want nothing else. I want this. Forever.
My back pressed into the cold metal of Jaimie’s truck.
His hands on my waist. My arm around his neck.
Fingers intertwined. I love this man. The length of his body presses against me and I lose track of time.
Has it been five kisses, seven, ten? I don’t know anymore. I pull my lips from his. They ache at the loss of connection. His hands stroke my arms, and my pulse beats a staccato in my ears.
“Raegan.” Chrissy’s voice is filled with authority. I need to find some self control before I let things go too far.
Lifting a shaky hand, I stroke Austin's cheek and give him one final chaste peck. No longer caring about our audience. “I love you.”
His fingers encircle my wrist and his eyes hold mine.
Speaking things we can’t find the words for.
“I love you too. I’ll call ya later.” He starts to walk away, our arms stretching between us, still connecting us.
But his fingers slide away, and I feel so lonely without him. Almost as if I could cry.
I watch him walk away. That long-legged, confident stride. He turns back one last time, and blows me a kiss. I stand mute for a few seconds longer.
“Raegan Marie.” Chrissy hisses. I finally turn around and climb into the truck. “You’ve been kissing like the world is gonna end.”
I buckle my seat belt, and look at her, my eyes wide.
“I didn’t want to stop.” I whisper. “What is wrong with me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.” Jaimie reaches behind Chrissy and squeezes my shoulder reassuringly.
She’s always been more even keeled than Chrissy.
“This is normal. It’s natural. God wants people married and having kids, and well.
.. you kinda need to be kissing to um… get to the having kids part.
” Her cheeks flush in the dim light of the truck’s cabin light.
“I hope I’m not overstepping, and getting too personal. ”
“We’re a part of Raegan’s ‘do it God’s way’ team, so I think it’s right for us to talk to her about this.
” Chrissy’s voice is a little clipped. She’s mad at me.
Is it maybe jealousy, because she wants what I have with Carson, or genuine concern?
“And that’s why we’re both saying something.
You need to cut back on the eye babies, or there’ll be a real baby before you know it. ”
There’s the genuine Chrissy. She doesn’t mince words. She’s always direct and serious if she has to confront someone. Her care and concern are genuine. Her confrontation is always about being a better person, being who God made us to be.
Jaimie pulls out and we speed down the gravel drive.
“I know it’s right for y’all to bring these things up. It’s what I need to talk to my mom about tonight. Something happened while we danced, and I just…”
Do I admit to them how far my feelings for Austin have gone? Admit that I’m experiencing desires that I don’t know how to battle? And at times I want to give in, I don’t want to fight against those feelings.
“I want more than kisses all of a sudden.” I whisper, my face cupped in my hands. “Y’all. What is happening to me?” A groan escapes my lungs.
“It’s like Jaimie said. It’s natural. It’s definitely something to talk about with your mom.
She knows way more than us, has more experience.
” Chrissy wraps an arm around my shoulders as we jostle down the road.
“Trust what your mom tells you. And pray for strength to be strong and do it God’s way.
You know Jaimie and I are praying right along with you. ”
Jaimie affirms Chrissy’s words and we drive on in silence for a bit.
Jaimie stops the truck by my parent’s front porch. Lights shine in the front windows where I know Mom is waiting. I give both girls a hug and they promise to pray for me as I slip from Jaimie’s truck.
My tired feet yell in delight as I slip off my borrowed shoes and bolt the front door behind me.
I find my mom in the living room, reading a book.
Right where I knew she’d be. “Hey, Mom. Thanks for waiting up for me.” I curl up on the sofa next to her, my head in her lap.
“I’m glad it’s just you waiting up. I wanted to talk. ”
“I’m always ready to talk.” Mom strokes her fingers over my hair. “So, what did you want to talk about?”
I blow out a sigh.
“I danced with Austin tonight.” I whisper.
“‘Watermelon Moonshine’ was the first song. We just kind of swayed together, nothing crazy.” I wave a hand in the air, replaying the evening in my mind.
I can still smell the bonfire and hear it crackling, along with the music of that second song we danced to.
“Another song came on.” I gulp as the emotions swarm around me.
“And it… It just made me want more.” I choke on the words.
“I wanted more kisses. I wanted more than just kisses.” I cover my face with my hands.
“We’ve been kissing a lot, Mom. Like, we got to the bonfire, and sat in the truck kissing, for, I don’t know how long.
And my hand ended up on his thigh. I moved it once I realized. ..”
Mom just keeps stroking my hair. Not saying anything.
Making me feel heard, loved, cared for, not judged.
“We stopped... But I feel like it’s going to get harder and harder not to let things go too far.
I know we have our boundaries, and that time in the truck was only a few minutes.
.. But then when we were dancing, we were surrounded by people.
But my body was…” My cheeks heat. “like, on fire. And I wanted more. I wanted to… explore.” I shake my head.
“I feel like I’m a bad person for having those desires. ”
I lay there, silence covering us, Mom still running her fingers through my hair.
“Well, you know the discussions we’ve had.
Those feelings are good. God allows humans to have those feelings for a reason.
If sex wasn’t enjoyable the human race might disappear.
” She giggles, and I know it’s not from embarrassment.
“Those feelings,” Mom sighs wistfully, “are so good. So right. Inside marriage. The fact that you’ve recognized those feelings is the first step.
Now you work on sticking to your boundaries, so that you can stop before those feelings show up.
.. Because once they show up it’s not long before you let them take control.
And, well, once they take control... Along come little Raegans. ”
I can’t help but giggle at her comment. “As much as I’d love little Raegans and Austins , I know that waiting till marriage is God’s plan.
And it’s for the best to do it that way.
” I sit up, grabbing a throw pillow and tucking it against my stomach.
“I probably need to not have any alone time with Austin. Go back to always having a friend with us. Even though I want that alone time.” I smile up at her, tears resting on my eyelashes.
“But, I’m committed to doing things God’s way. ”
Mom pulls me tight against her. “I’m so blessed to have you as my daughter, to have God as my Savior, and Matt as my husband.
” At the mention of my dad her voice gets dreamy.
“Speaking of which, he’s waiting in bed for me.
” She waggles her brows at me as she gets up and starts turning out the living room lights.
“Mom,” I draw the word out. I’m secretly proud of my parents' relationship. I’m truly blessed to have the parents that I do. I have amazing parents and a loving Savior, and I know that even if I do mess things up, God will forgive me and still love me.
I give Mom a quick kiss on the cheek and head up to my bed.