25. Chapter 24 #2
I’ll accept that for now, since he obviously won’t tell me what I really want to hear.
I want answers. I want to be his whole world.
I want to know why he isn’t giving me a full answer.
He’s choosing baseball, and I just have to accept it?
I feel like we aren’t a team anymore. He’s gone solo and I’m left all on my own.
Or maybe it’s more like I want to change his mind and make him stay, but he won’t entertain that thought.
My favorite tree comes into view as we near the pasture, a large cottonwood that I’ve loved to sit under since I was allowed to ride my horse on my own.
I try to think about happy memories and all the parties I’ve had with the girls under that tree.
All the dreams I dreamed there with Cocoa, my horse.
The farm road gets bumpier the closer we get to my tree. I lean into Austin, trying to stay steady. We don’t talk, and there’s no music playing aside from the cricket and cicada symphony through the truck’s open windows.
Austin parks the truck under my cottonwood’s massive branches, and spreads out the blanket in the bed of the truck.
I climb up and set down the picnic basket, my heart racing and sadness sitting low in my stomach.
I made the same meal Austin made for my birthday celebration; fried chicken, potato salad, pickles, chips, and two slices of cake that had been made the day before.
After today I’ll either want to eat this meal every day and think about Austin, or I’ll want to never eat it again until he’s back with me.
Pulling out the mason jars of watermelon lemonade I give them a swish.
It’s pure luck that I found them in the extra fridge since Mom and I didn’t have the chance to make a fresh batch this afternoon.
They were sitting, hidden in the back, next to some watermelon moonshine that Dad likes to occasionally drink in the summer months.
“Want me to pray and we can start eating?” Austin brushes a strand of hair from my face. His voice is soft and sweet. I nod, not trusting my voice.
I make it through the meal, my stomach clenching every time I think about the fact that this is our last night.
Austin raises his glass of lemonade and we clink them together in a toast. This batch tastes stronger than normal, the watermelon flavor is the same, but there’s something else there as well.
Maybe this is a batch with some sort of sugar substitute.
We sit with our backs against the cab and watch the sun make its descent toward the horizon. The sky is red and purple. It’s beautiful, but right now the desire to give in and have a pity party is overwhelming.
We’ve barely said a word. Our communication has been silent glances and gentle hand touches. I sit with my head on his shoulder, our empty cake plates set beside us. The crickets and birds sing us a melody. It’s beautiful, yet sad and haunting at the same time.
Austin’s thumb brushes a cake crumb off my lip and electricity runs from where his finger brushed me, down to where it settles in my belly.
A tear escapes my eye and he swipes that away too.
I don’t want to sit here and blubber on his shoulder, but I feel like I can’t do anything but blubber.
If continuing to cry means he’ll continue to touch me, I may not stop the tears.
I grab my lemonade and take a big swig. It burns, and makes me think of a doctor’s office. It’s all we’ve got for drinks, so I take a few more sips. My head begins to feel like it’s floating, and the tenseness that had been present in my back wanes.
Austin sets down his empty mason jar, his gaze far away and unfocused.
“Did yours taste different? Almost like an alcohol wipe?” I think about it a little more and gasp. I’m certain that this jar was supposed to be watermelon lemonade. But mom and dad must have mixed some of the two together and never told anyone, thinking they’d be the ones to drink it.
“Yeah, mine has a strange aftertaste.” His eyes widen. “You think it’s gone hard? Or was something else in the first place?”
My head is buzzing, and I debate answering his question.
“I think it got mixed with some moonshine.” I say slowly as I cover my eyes with one hand.
I’m embarrassed. I never thought my first drink would be an accident.
I was going to wait until after I was twenty-one to even decide if I ever did want to try alcohol.
Austin strokes my arm, his fingers running from my shoulder down to my fingertips and brushing against my thigh. I know it’s dangerous territory, especially with us being alone, and in the bed of a truck no less. But we’ve always stopped in time before, and I don’t know when I’ll see him again.
He clinks his bottle against mine. “Well, I guess we’ll make the most of it, celebrate in a way.”
Something inside of me says not to. To stop drinking it. But this is my last night with Austin until who knows when. And I’m not going to waste a minute of it. Right now, he wants me more than baseball. So, I ignore that voice and continue on.
Austin’s leg presses against mine as he shifts to get comfortable. His arm on my shoulder pulls me firmly against him and my eyes fall closed as his heartbeat thrums beneath my ear.
A small fire begins to burn in me as his fingers move from my arm and travel down my thigh to my kneecap where he draws circles around it. The movement tickles, and a breathless giggle escapes me. I feel nervous, yet relaxed.
Tilting my head back, I turn so I can look into his eyes.
His eyes shift back and forth, seeing down into my soul through my eyes.
I lazily blink and bite my lip. This moment could stretch into eternity and I wouldn’t mind.
This connection, this feeling. I know he loves me.
And right now I’m more important than baseball.
He could be packing his bags, but he’s here, with me, for now.
His eyes darken, their focus shifting to my lips. I lose myself in his eyes and my lip pops back out from between my teeth.
He licks his lips, and I watch his chest move as he takes a deep breath. “Raegan… I’m in love with you. I think I loved you the moment I met you… I knew for sure that I loved you when we kissed under the mistletoe at Christmas… but I’m so certain now. I’m in love. With you. I really love you.”
Then choose me. Pick me. Love me. Not baseball.
I reach a hand up and cup his cheek, my thumb stroking back and forth. The stubble of his beard sending a wave of awareness through me. “I love you too, Austin.”
I rise up so that my lips can meld with his.
My hand slides down to his chest where I cling to the fabric of his shirt.
I can feel the pounding of his heart. It beats in unison with mine.
A song only we know. A song that I have to memorize since he won’t be here after today.
I want it seared into my brain so I can pull it up anytime that I’m missing him.
His mouth dips and teases, tasting and taking.
At the touch of his tongue to my upper lip, I open my mouth to him.
Our breath swirls together like a cloud of watermelon vapor.
Tentatively, I use my tongue and touch his lip, like he did to me.
His tongue meets mine and our kiss is like an intricate dance that I’m learning the steps to. Intimate and elegant.
Warning bells go off in my brain. We haven’t gone too far, not yet.
We still have time to stop. We can do this right.
We can avoid stirring up love until the time is right.
Can’t we? I pull my lips from his but leave my forehead resting against his.
I just need a few breaths, I won’t cross the line.
But… My mind is a haze. The line… The stupid line.
His lips touch the tip of my nose, my cheekbone, then the corner of my mouth before they’re back on my lips. Giving and taking, seeking something more. We go back to the dancing tongues, and it’s more than I could ever imagine. No wonder my parents kiss all the time.
Heat pools in my stomach, then spreads, like a butterfly. It flits to my cheeks, then my fingertips, then all the way to my toes.
Austin pulls me closer, onto his lap. I grip his shirt in my fists as his hands explore my back. Up and down, kneading and caressing.
His lips leave mine and I chase them, wanting more. I want him. Our chests heave in unison and his breath is ragged as he leans in and places his lips just below my ear. My head tilts to the side, I no longer have control, my body knows what it wants. And it wants his touch.
I suck in a breath and a delightful shiver races down my spine. This is heaven. My heart explodes in my chest. I want this feeling forever. The feeling of him wanting me. The feeling of me meaning more to him than baseball.
Right now, he wants me more than he wants baseball.
I slide a hand up his chest and into his hair. It’s long enough that I can twist it around my fingers just a bit. My other hand tugs on the cotton of his shirt before coming into contact with warm silken skin.
Austin’s lips take a lazy path back to my mouth. Caressing the corner of my mouth, before crashing back onto my lips. He pauses, both of our mouths open, allowing our breaths to mingle again as we try to catch our breath. “Rae…”
His hands on my back pull me closer still, like he can’t touch enough of me.
He presses a kiss to my pulse as it races at the base of my neck and I draw in a raspy breath.
The boundary lines in my mind blur as he strokes a finger down my cheek and slowly across my collar bone.
I want those lines gone. My heart squeezes, trying to send me a message, but I ignore it.
I want to cross the line. He wants me more than baseball.
Austin’s breath is ragged across my face. “You feel so good.” His lips find the skin of my neck before he shifts us to lay in the bed of the truck.
“We should stop, Austin.” My voice is low and throaty, and I can think of nothing other than a few more kisses. Maybe… Maybe if I give this to him, he’ll stay. He’ll pick me.
“One more kiss, Rae?”
I chase his lips in response, telling myself that this should be the last one.
“I’ll always have one more kiss for you.”
But, I’ve made up my mind. Right now, he wants me more than baseball, and I will embrace that for as long as it lasts.