29. Chapter 28
Raegan - The Present
Coach ushers me into his and Ms. Rosa’s cozy Victorian house and the smell of cloves and cinnamon wafts around me to the tune of a Spanish Christmas carol.
He makes a face at Grace which makes her smile and giggle before leading us back to the den where Ms. Rosa sits in one of the recliners, wrapped in an afghan.
“Get settled and I’ll bring out some cookies.” He presses a kiss to Ms. Rosa’s paper thin cheek. “Do you need anything, carina?”
“Just a cup of tea.” Her eyes are still bright, but her voice is shaky. Not nervous shaky, more like a tired, run-down shaky.
“How are you, Ms. Rosa?” I settle Grace down with a few toys and situate myself in the other recliner.
“Same as always. God is sustaining me.” I knew it would be that answer. “Grace has grown. Getting bigger every day. I bet she’ll be walking before you know it.” Her eyes drift from Grace back to me. “Those early days sure fly by.”
I nod and swipe away the tear trying to make an escape down my cheek. Those days do go fast. Grace loves the freedom she has with crawling, and I miss holding her close and burying my nose in her hair all the time.
Coach pops back into the room with a plate of cookies, a mug of tea, and a large manila folder. “Do you need me to go over any of the papers?”
Ms. Rosa waves a hand. “I’ll call for you if I need you.”
I stare at the manila folder curiously. It’s much thicker than the one she usually brings. The one that contains all the financials and anything else we might need to go over.
“Now, before you say anything, you just sit and listen.”
I nod and shove a cookie in my mouth to prevent me from asking any questions.
“In this envelope is the deed for the café.”
My eyes go wide, and my heart rate picks up speed. I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants to occupy myself.
“I’d been planning on you taking it over, and giving you the deed a while ago.
And then Grace came along, and God made it more apparent that it was the right choice.
And now…” Her voice quavers, and her eyes turn glassy.
“I know my time is coming soon. The to-do list God gave me is just about all complete. Which means it’s time to turn all of the café over to you. ”
The whole café? To me? A dry cookie crumb gets stuck in my throat and I cough a few times until it continues on down. “Wha–Why?” I finally whisper.
“You’re going to need a way to provide for that little girl, and this is the perfect way to do it. You’ve got the apartment. You’ve got the café running well in the black. This is what God wants me to do for you.”
I’m still speechless. She’s giving me a café. A way to provide for my child just in case Austin and I never get back together. In case I’m a single mom forever. As my prayer life grows, I’ve begged God to let her be there when– if –Austin and I get back together.
“I’m still praying that God keeps me here long enough that I can see Austin meet his little girl.
To see you two back together.” Her smile covers her whole face.
“Maybe one of these days you could give him a call, talk it out.” She winks at me.
“You’re free, forgiven, and filled. God will give you the courage to reach out, to face this. ”
I want those things too. She knows my whole story. All the dirty details. I don't know how I would do this without her support.
A Week Before Christmas
Grace’s hands tangle in my hair and yank hard as I lean over her, attempting to clean off her face after dinner.
Her green eyes, the ones that match her dad’s, look at me adoringly, making me think of Austin.
Grace’s usually sweet voice changes and her savage yell fills the kitchen. She hates having her face wiped off.
“Just let me clean off your face, and then you can go and play with your uncles.” Grace yells again and yanks my hair even harder in response.
“Mommy isn't so gentle is she? You’d rather have Uncle Rob clean you up, right?” Robert coos at Grace, before turning to me and giving me a cocky grin.
I couldn’t ask for better uncles, or grandparents, for Grace.
From her birth they’ve all been tripping over each other to help out any chance they can.
Mom and Dad have even volunteered to help with diaper changes, and the boys set the limit at burping her.
I gently extract my hair from Grace’s sticky fingers. “Go ahead and try.” I laugh and hand over the wash rag. Of course Grace is a perfect angel for Rob. She giggles and coos at him, pretending as if she wasn’t screaming like a banshee minutes before.
Rob starts taking too long and Grace lets him know that she’s had enough.
“Let Uncle Rob finish up, then we can go and play.” He uses a dad voice, and gives her a stern look, causing me to giggle.
Grace giggles in return and reaches up and grabs his nose.
“No,” He yelps as he tries to back up. But she’s got him, and one of her tiny fingers goes up his nose.
“No! No slobbery fingers in my nose.” Grace lets out the biggest belly laugh ever. These are the moments I love the most.
I start collecting all of the dinner dishes so that I can load the dishwasher for Mom.
It’s the least I can do since she still feeds me every evening even though I don’t live at home any more.
The trip is only thirty minutes, so it’s nothing I can’t handle.
And even though it sometimes messes with Grace’s sleep, especially if she falls asleep in the car, I wouldn’t trade these dinners for silence in the apartment.
Grace and I moved back into the apartment over the café a few weeks back.
With her just upstairs I can go down and start prepping everything while she continues to sleep.
We refuse to miss out on dinners with my family though, and now that Grace is actually eating food it’s made meals quite entertaining.
I won’t lie though, I do miss just breastfeeding her.
She was quieter, more content back then.
Now she’s constantly demanding more food no matter how much is in front of her.
And as soon as the food is gone, she wants out so that she can crawl everywhere.
She’s even started pulling herself up, which according to our doctor is right on target for her age.
But I’m not ready for the toddler stage. I love that snuggly baby stage.
After loading the dishwasher, I start on the dishes that need to be hand washed.
The landline that Mom has refused to give up starts to ring while I’m elbow deep in hot soapy water.
I shake the suds off my hands and dry them on a towel before reaching for the phone.
The display says that the call is coming from our pastor, Chrissy’s dad.
“Carter residence, Raegan speaking.” I say, using the line I’d been taught to use for answering the phone since I was four.
“Hi, Raegan. It’s Mrs. Thompson. I wanted to give your folks a call and let them know that Ms. Rosa took her first breath in heaven not long ago.
I know your mom will want to get a meal over to Coach, so I wanted to let her know right away.
I know she was a huge part of your life recently, so I wanted y’all to know first.”
Tears fill my eyes. I can’t believe she’s gone. Her advice, her warm hugs, her genuine smile. Now Jesus gets to experience them.
“Thanks, Mrs. Thompson. I’ll let Mom know.” We say our goodbyes and hang up.
I knew this day was coming. She had prepared me for it the last time we met.
I check to make sure that Rob and Grace are still good in the living room before I head to the barns to find Mom. She’s in the barn where we keep produce when I finally find her. Through sobs, I tell her about the phone call.
Her arms pull me tight in a hug. It reminds me of the one from the night with Austin, and the one she gave me when I got my positive test. Thank you, God, for Mom and Ms. Rosa. For their loving, welcoming, and judgement-free arms. I don’t deserve either of them, but you blessed me.
Things between God and me have slowly gotten better, especially after Ms. Rosa’s free, forgiven, and filled talk.
“I know that she’s got the best view in the world right now,” I finally whisper. “And I know she’s happy, and healthy, but I’m going to miss her down here.”
Mom rests a comforting hand on my cheek. “I know she was a great mentor to you. And she left you such a gift in the café. God knew you’d need a way to support Grace, and even though Ms. Rosa isn’t with us, her memory, and little touches, are all over this town.”
I nod, not trusting my voice. Little voices battle for precedence inside my mind. Why did God have to take both Austin and Ms. Rosa? Why couldn’t He leave at least one of them there for me? I almost allow myself to get angry at God again, but I remember what Ms. Rosa told me.
Free
Forgiven
Filled
We head back inside where Mom grabs her tablet so she can start on the meal signups. “I know you need to head home, and I need to work on the meal train for Coach.”
I pull her in for one final hug before collecting all of Grace’s things. “I need to get Grace home before she decides to party all night.”
Mom laughs, and presses a kiss to the top of my head. “I remember those days. You text me once you’re home.”
“Always, Mom.”
I gently close the door to Grace’s tiny bedroom and head to the sofa to deal with my feelings. Poor Grace got a head full of tears as I breastfed her before bed, pouring out my heart to God. She didn’t seem to notice or care, but I feel bad for showering her little head like that.
I tip my head back, and stare at the ceiling, willing the tears to be done.
Some nights I read, some nights I watch a show or two, or plot out new recipes or designs for baked goods.
I don’t feel like doing any of those things tonight.
Part of me wants to cry some more, give in to the overwhelming feelings.
But there’s a little voice telling me to do something else. Something I should’ve done a long time ago. Well, I have done it, but I haven’t gotten the desired result. Ms. Rosa’s death, and her little prompt to call him again, is the excuse I need to finally work up the courage and call Austin.
I want to call, not just to make sure that he heard the news, but also so I can hear his voice. I miss the way his deep baritone voice can wash over me and make me feel loved, cherished, safe. I haven’t heard his voice in so long, aside from the videos that I have of him.
I pull out my phone and tap his name. Then the call button. My breath is squeezed and held captive in my lungs as I wait. After four rings he finally picks up.
“Hello?” His voice is filled with shock and surprise. I was almost expecting it to be the girlfriend, or to get his voice mail.
“Austin? ... It’s me.” I whisper. Partly because I’m nervous, but also to avoid waking Grace. Even though she sleeps through everything.
He laughs, “I know.”
“I um… I wasn’t sure if your girlfriend was there.” I stumble over the words. “Anyway, um, I wanted to make sure that you’d heard about Ms. Rosa.” I bite my lip, holding my breath.
“Hi. Um. I don’t know what to say…” He leaves the sentence hanging. I can picture him running a hand through his hair. In the past when he did that I always wished it was my hand instead.
“Me neither. I wasn’t sure if you would answer.”
“I didn’t know if I’d ever hear from you again.”
“I wasn’t sure if I’d ever call you again after your girlfriend answered last time.” My chest pinches with dread. I’ve done everything I can to think of him as someone else’s. But now that I’m hearing his voice… I still see him as mine.
“I’m not dating anyone.” His voice is low, almost angry. “What do you mean ‘last time?’”
“I called almost a year ago. Some girl answered your phone. She sounded drunk or high, but the message was clear. You and I were over.” Tears clog my eyes and nose, stealing my breath.
I just wanted to tell him about Ms. Rosa and hang up.
I don’t really want to talk. Sure, closure is nice.
But I don’t want the heartache of losing him all over again.
“I promise you, there’s no one else, Raegan. There never could be.” He pauses and takes a breath, almost like he was going to say something else, but something stopped him.
“I…” I clear my throat. “I’m not calling to hash things out. Um, I just wanted to make sure that you knew about Ms. Rosa.”
I hear him swallow. “What about Ms. Rosa?” He asks.
“She passed away this afternoon.” I slowly and reverently whisper the words. I know Coach was more involved in Austin’s life than Ms. Rosa was, but they were a package deal. I know that they talked about everything, and prayed for everyone together.
“Wow.” Shock fills his voice. “I knew she had cancer, but didn’t know it was that bad.”
“I thought she had a little more time. But God’s timeline isn’t always the same as ours.” Oof, those words hit a little too close to home. Guess I’m preaching to the choir here.
“I’m actually coming to Clear Creek next week. I’ll be there for Christmas.”
I don’t know what to say. My mouth is hanging slightly ajar.
“Well, I um… I guess I’ll see you when you’re in town.
” I try to swallow the dread in my stomach, but it rises like bile up my esophagus.
“Anyway, I, um, wanted to make sure you knew.” I pick at the edge of my shirt.
“I have an early morning, um… so I need to go.” And I want to cry again, but I don’t want you to hear me cry.
“I’ll talk to you later, okay, Sun–, Rae?”
“Okay, yeah. Bye.” Tapping the end call button, I let the tears fall freely, trying to focus on the words Rosa gave to me.
Free, Forgiven, Filled.
“I can only face him with your strength, God. I can’t do this on my own.”