30. Chapter 29
Raegan - The Present
The baby monitor hums on the counter behind me, and dishes clink in the sink as I rinse them and set them on the dishwasher rack.
My heart is still raw from Ms. Rosa’s funeral the other day.
I had prepared myself to possibly see Austin there, but he wasn’t there.
And I was both relieved and sad at that.
As usual, I’ve got a country playlist playing. It’s easier to make my own list on Spotify than suffer through commercial breaks on the radio. I swear it somehow reads my brain, and knows what I’m thinking. Lainey Wilson’s “Watermelon Moonshine” comes on.
Images of Austin and me flash through my mind.
Even though he said he wasn’t dating anyone, I know it’s too good to be true.
He’s a hot baseball player. What girl wouldn’t want him?
And why would he want little old me, the girl who wants to stay in a small town in Texas, a girl who made a commitment to save sex for marriage, but fell apart because she broke that commitment?
Our time together will be just like the song.
It’ll be a memory. A bittersweet memory.
The days of being in love had been the high…
And just like the song, it hadn’t lasted forever.
One day I’ll go back out to my tree. I haven’t had the courage to yet.
I think when I do, maybe I’ll finally get closure.
Maybe I’ll finally put my feelings for him away.
Part of me wants to hold on to those feelings. To those memories. I don’t want to let them go. I don’t want to embrace being a single mom. I want him. I want happily ever after.
Free. Forgiven. Filled. I tell myself. I have to think about something else before I start crying. A customer could walk in at any minute and catch me with a blotchy, red, tear-stained face.
Christmas is three days away, he’ll be in town any day now, I’m sure. Will he stop by? We didn’t say for sure that we would talk... I shake my head and focus on the bread pan I’m scrubbing.
The bell on the front door jingles as a new customer walks in. It’s been slow, with it being Christmas week. People have ordered desserts to take home, but I haven’t had too many sit down customers.
“Be with you in a moment. Let me get these dishes out of the machine.” I call out. I wipe my cheeks on my shoulders, hoping that there’s no sign of tears. Good thing I don’t wear mascara often, otherwise it would probably be running.
“Okay.” The customer says in a deep, male voice.
The hot water in the sink turns to ice around my bare hands. The sounds of the music and the dishwasher fade away. It couldn’t be, could it?
I dry off my hands and move the dishes from the machine to the drying towel.
I’m both cold and hot. Sweat is popping out on my forehead.
My blood freezes in my veins, but pounds in my ears.
I walk into the front room and just stare at him.
His shoulders are broader, his biceps are bigger.
He’s more handsome than ever before. He’s manly now.
Any hint of teenage boyishness is totally gone.
Light stubble covers his angular jaw, and his silky curls beg for my fingers.
He shoves his hands into a pair of jeans that are made just for him.
He bites his lips as he watches me. Every inch of that man is perfection.
Our eyes finally meet, and I have to force myself to breathe. I want to round that counter and jump into his arms as fast as he rounds the bases. I swallow, the sound seeming to echo through the room.
“I hear you own this place now.” His voice is more husky than I remember. My skin pebbles with goosebumps, and I long to hear the rumble of his voice as I lay my head on his chest.
I mentally slap myself. He could’ve lied to me. There could be someone else. Not to mention I have a secret of my own. I can’t think about him that way until I know where things stand between us.
“Hi.” Is all that I manage to say. My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth, and my heart is racing, but not beating all at the same time. “I wasn’t sure if…” Tears prickle, begging for release. I close my eyes and blow out a deep breath. “I didn't know if I’d ever see you again.”
He looks down at his feet, his hands still in his pockets. He lifts his sad eyes up to meet mine. “I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see you either.”
I blurt it all out. “I called a few times. And then I just gave up. Some girl answered your phone. Told me to move on. So I never called again. I wanted to. I wanted to call you. To text you. To tell you about everything going on here–going on in my life–but I couldn’t.
I didn’t want to ruin whatever new relationship you were in. ”
Austin shifts from foot to foot, then rubs the back of his neck.
“You’re not all to blame, Rae.” His eyes flit around the room, anywhere except for me.
“I could’ve reached out to you, too. But I didn’t.
I was nervous. I was ashamed. Thought maybe you hated me.
” He looks me straight in the eye, “But never ever has there been another girl.”
Oh, how I wish he would’ve tacked something like ‘you’re the only girl for me’ onto the end of his sentence.
“So, there’s no one else?” I finally ask, fiddling with my apron strings. I watch his face intently. Waiting for any sign that he might be lying.
He shakes his head. I can see the hurt in his eyes, it mirrors mine, but his eyes are honest.
This is the man I loved. I still love him . And now that he’s here with me, I have to find the courage to tell him my secret. To see if we can make it work.
I’ve imagined this scene in my mind. In my imaginings, I always knew what to say, the right thing to do. But now… I’m at a loss for words. What do I say? And if I figure out what to say, how do I even get the words out?
“Can we sit down to talk?” Austin motions toward the seating area of the Café. “I think we’d both be more comfortable.”
I grab the baby monitor from the kitchen and lead him to a table in the corner where it’s cozier, and I can run upstairs easily if Grace wakes up early.
I blurt the first question on my mind once we’re seated. “So, who answered your phone and told me you moved on?”
Austin situates himself, one hand on his thigh the other on the table. “When did you call?” He puts his phone on the table, like it’s a piece of evidence to show he’s not lying.
“It was on New Year's Eve. It was one of the few times I actually found the courage to call you.”
He sighs, shakes his head and runs a hand through his unruly curls. “It was Beccca. She grabbed my phone while I was at a New Years Eve Party.”
“Oh.” I gulp. “Who is Becca?” The words are so quiet that I can’t tell if I spoke them or thought them. And how close was this girl that she was grabbing his phone? The questions must be somewhat evident on my face.
Austin leans forward, his eyes locked with mine.
“I was at a party, she’d been chasing me for so long.
” His shoulders lift, then fall. “I’ve known her since middle school.
But, I wouldn’t give in. Not even back when we were in school together.
Anyway, she was high and drunk when I got there and she took my phone from my coat when she tripped and I tried to keep her from face planting. ”
“Are you-” I feel like there’s a cupcake stuck in my throat, but I force myself to finish the question, “dating her?”
He shakes his head vehemently. “Never, Rae. Never.” He crosses his legs.
Then he uncrosses them. Looks down at the floor then back up at me.
Is he crying? He almost seems angry. I’ve pushed the questioning too far.
He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Rae.
I wish we'd talked sooner. I just didn’t know where we stood after,” he shrugs his shoulders and his cheeks redden, “what happened.”
I can’t hide my tears. One slides down my cheek and rests on the edge of my lip. I fling it away with my hand. I have to tell him. Somehow.
Maybe, I’ll just show him.
I stand up and rub my clammy hands down my jeans. I head to the front door and turn the lock and flip the open sign to closed .
“Follow me.” I make a motion with my hand. “I need to show you something.”
God, give me strength.
Austin follows me as I head toward the back room.
I grab the stair rail and slowly make my way up the steps.