32. Chapter 31
Austin - The Present
Toys are strewn across the floor of Raegan's apartment. Grace currently has a toy that makes noise when she shakes it in one hand and my finger clutched in her other hand. How could a fist this small have this much strength? I’ve always pictured babies as these weak little things.
Frail and fragile. My daughter is anything but fragile.
She’s strong, she’s feisty, and so dang cute.
I’m totally in love with her. Most of the shock at becoming an instant dad has worn off.
But some days it’s still hard to believe that I have a daughter.
“Da!”
I startle as she yells at me. Does she know that’s my name?
Did she do it on purpose? Then she’s cooing and giggling at me.
How does she manage this range of emotion?
All day, everyday? It must be exhausting.
But, I have to admit it does make for some great laughs.
I’ve laughed more in the past few weeks since meeting Grace than I have in years.
Grace whacks my hand with her toy again before dropping it on the floor.
Balancing on her wobbly feet she sways from side to side.
I grab the toy and hold out the toy for her to grab but she doesn’t grab it.
Her arms are pointed more towards me, almost as if she’s going to walk to me.
But she hasn’t walked yet. Not without the help of the coffee table or sofa.
“Da.” She says again, a toothy grin covering her face.
“Dada.” I say and touch my chest.
A dribble of drool rolls down her chin and suddenly she lifts one little foot and steps forward in an awkward bowed-legged stride. After she sets down her right foot she slowly lifts her left foot and moves closer to me.
“You’re doing it baby girl!” I wish Raegan were here to see this.
I tip myself to the side to pull my phone from my back pocket.
My movement seems to throw Grace off and she loses her balance and drops onto her bottom.
Her lower lip pops out, and her eyes tilt downward.
Uh oh. I know what’s coming. I scoop her up, rubbing my hand up and down her back, doing my best to comfort her.
Sometimes she’ll only settle for Raegan, but I’ve been trying to wait longer before running to Raegan and asking for help.
I’m her dad, and I’m not going anywhere.
In the conversations that Raegan and I have had so far we’ve talked about how we’ll manage this parenting thing.
I’m letting her lead when it comes to parenting, but we’re a family now, even though we’re living in separate homes, and separate cities.
We’ve made a deal to be honest, and to always talk.
No matter how tired either of us is, we’re going to communicate before we pass out for the night.
I’m fairly certain Grace loves me, but she clearly loves her mama more.
And even though sometimes I want her to love me more, I know it’s right that for now she loves Raegan the most. After a few minutes, the tears are still streaming, and the snot is starting to flow, so I start down the stairs to the café. Mommy will make it all better.
We enter the seating area of the café and I take a glance to see how many people are present.
I was nervous about facing the town. Wasn’t sure what they would think.
Raegan told me about whispers from some older women, but also about the baby shower the church had for her, and the support she’s had from so many people.
Grace continues crying on my shoulder, using her fists to rub her eyes and using my shirt as a tissue. Thankfully no one turns and glares or scowls. They’re probably used to hearing Grace and all her baby noise.
“Oh no, what happened now, baby girl?” Raegan holds out her arms. But Grace snuggles deeper into my neck and pops her thumb into her mouth.
It’s like she just needed to know Raegan was nearby.
A bubble of pride begins to grow in my heart, making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
She wants me. She feels safe with me . But the doubts worm their way in…
Will Raegan be mad? Grace has been shy and clingy with Raegan for the most part, but after just a few days, she warmed up to me and went willingly into my arms to be snuggled.
Raegan's brows rise in surprise, but her eyes brighten, and I’m pretty sure she’s getting teary eyed. Is she sad, or is she happy about this?
“She took two steps, Rae! Two steps. But then she lost her balance, and well…” She knows the rest since I brought down a crying snotty baby.
“She loves you,” Raegan says and sighs. Her hands come up, and she clasps them right under her chin as she watches us.
My heart swells, and I find myself nearly in tears. Can we make it as a family?
The bell over the door jingles, breaking my thoughts apart. Coach slowly steps into the café. I’ve seen him in passing, and we’ve texted a bit, but we haven't had a long sit down talk like we used to. I’d made sure to tell him that I knew about Grace.
“Hey, Coach.”
The tired lines on Coach’s face are more pronounced now.
His smile isn’t as big, and his eyes don’t sparkle like they used to.
Rosa’s battle with cancer, and her death has really taken its toll on him.
Coach’s eyes light up once he notices Grace in my arms. Her head is tucked into my neck and I don’t want her to ever move or grow up.
“There’s little Gracey girl.” Coach chucks a finger under her chin and she gives him a giggle in response.
His eyes flit back and forth between Raegan and me.
“I’ve been waiting for the day that I’d see all of you together here…
And to sit down with you, young man.” He lays a hand on my shoulder.
It’s both comforting and intimidating. He was there when I brought up my feelings for Raegan.
When we decided on boundaries for our relationship. And now he knows how badly I failed.
I nod. I don’t exactly know what to say. I feel awkward, standing in front of Coach, holding my child and being unmarried. I need to remember that God is always there, always willing to pick me up, no matter how many times I fall.
“Well, we can talk here, or we can talk at my place. Or at a ball field. Wherever you want. But we’re talking.
” Coach squeezes my shoulder and gives me a serious look.
There’s no way Coach will let me leave town without talking.
My stomach twists. Will Coach give me the reprimand of a lifetime?
No, he’s not like that. He’s not going to judge me and tear me apart, but he's certain to have some words that will hit deep.
I bounce my eyes between Raegan and Coach. I’ll let Raegan decide. I’m here to spend as much time as possible with her and Grace before I’m forced to stay in Frisco for baseball season.
Raegan reaches for Grace, who scrunches up her nose, then grabs my hair.
“No.” She gives Raegan an evil look, and the word is so clear in her little baby voice. I want to laugh, because it really is cute. But her little fist in my hair hurts. I tilt my head so that it follows her fist.
“Grace Aurora,” Raegan chastises. “Daddy can’t hold you all day long. He’s got friends to talk to.”
Grace pulls my hair even harder. “No.” She says again, this time more emphatically.
Oh man, we’ve got our hands full. She turns her little puppy dog eyes on me and I have to mash my lips together to stop myself from smiling.
Her brows rise, and I cough to keep a laugh at bay.
Her hands move to my cheeks and she presses her mouth to my cheek and gives me the wettest raspberry I’ve ever received in my life.
Raegan laughs, moving in closer, and her shoulder bumps my chest. She gently extracts Grace from my arms and pops her onto her hip before reaching up and using her hand to wipe the slobber off my cheek.
Time pauses as her soft skin moves across the light stubble on my cheek.
My eyes find hers, then move to her lips.
Heat jumps from my chest up into my cheeks, and I look at Grace instead.
Now isn’t the time for kissing thoughts.
In front of me is a prime example of what happens when someone thinks about kissing way too much.
“You and Coach are welcome to hang out here and chat. I’ll be putting Grace down for her nap soon and cleaning up.” She smooths a hand over Grace’s head and kisses her. “Don’t forget dinner at my parents’ place tonight.”
How could I forget? I’ve seen them in passing, but haven’t had a meal with them yet.
I’m nervous to actually sit down with them, especially Raegan's dad.
My fingers twitch and I want to run them through my hair to ease the anxiety.
I breathe deep through my nose, willing myself to relax.
I focus on the truths that Josh helped me to understand.
Life can be messy, but God is always there, willing to pick you, willing to forgive you.
“If I can have a warmed cookie and a hot cup of coffee, I’m good with staying here.” Coach interjects, pulling me back to reality, and the conversation I need to prepare myself for.
“You sure that’s fine, Rae? I don’t want to interrupt.” I look to her for reassurance.
Raegan's eyes are warm and gentle as she assures me that it’s fine. “Sophie will run everything while I get Grace down for her nap, then I’ll be down to clean up and close up. Y’all take all the time you need.”
I give her a nervous smile and agree. I lean in and give Grace a quick kiss. “Have a good nap, baby girl.” She grins at me and the tightness in my chest eases just a bit.
“Alright, let's get some coffee and a cookie, for me at least.” Coach pats my back, “Do you need a cookie? My favorites are the cream cheese ones.”
I don’t want to make myself sick, eating this sugar on a nervous stomach, but I don’t want to seem rude, so I accept one cookie. Coach points to a table near the front window, “Let’s sit there.”