32. Chapter 31 #2
We sit down and I rub my palms on my jeans, watching the steam from my coffee rise. “So, how’ve you been?” I shake my head. The man just lost his wife, he’s not going to be okay. “That’s probably a dumb question. I’m sure things have been hard.”
A smile tips the side of Coach’s mouth. “God’s been giving me the strength that I need.
” A tear glistens on the edge of his eye.
“That was Rosa’s phrase while she fought against the cancer.
Now it’s mine.” He bites into his cookie.
“I miss her. My world isn’t the same without her.
The house is empty-” a tear rolls down his cheek, “but, I’ve still got God.
He’ll never leave me or forsake me. So, how are things between you and Raegan? ”
“Well, we’re talking,” I laugh as I lift my shoulders. “But we haven’t really talked about where this will go. It’s all been a bit of a blur since I came back.” I look toward the back room, wondering when Raegan will be back down. “I know that I want to date her and marry her eventually.”
“Do you want to date and marry to try to make up for having a child before marriage? Or are you wanting to marry her because you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her?” Coach holds up his hand.
“You don’t have to marry to make up for having a child outside of marriage.
Christ’s blood on the cross covered that sin.
Don’t get me wrong, a child needs a mother and a father.
But marriage isn’t for the children. Marriage is for the husband and the wife.
Whether you’re married to Raegan or someone else, Grace will have a part in that relationship.
But don’t marry just for Grace, marry for you. ”
“I can’t change the past. And just because we marry…
” I look out the window. “It won’t make everything right.
It’s not the answer to the problem. Not that there is a problem.
” I shake my head and turn back to Coach.
“Even if Raegan hadn’t gotten pregnant I still would’ve wanted to get back together with her.
I’m certain she’s the one. I just wish I hadn’t messed it all up. ”
“Do you think getting drafted impacted your self control that night, or were y’all on the trajectory for it to happen anyway?” Coach scratches his chin, one eyebrow raised as he waits for me to answer.
“You know, I think it still would’ve happened.
” I don’t go into detail, but I’m certain he gets the picture that we have chemistry, we like each other.
And when you’re dating someone you’re attracted to…
Well, it’s hard not to get physical. I tap my fingers on the table. “God controls everything, right?”
Coach nods. “Everyone, everything on earth is here for a reason. God can take anything and make it good. So, even though there’s pain, and there’s shame, there’s a cute little girl, and her name is a display of what God can do.
” A slow smile blossoms on Coach’s face.
“It still amazes me that God uses the painful times for a reason, to grow us and glorify himself.” He leans forward, placing a hand over mine.
“We’re both learning that lesson. That even through the pain, He is good. ”
I lift one side of my mouth in a half smile. “I just wish it didn’t hurt to learn those lessons. Or that we could just know that He’s good without those lessons.”
Coach laughs, “if only life were that simple. But our God is beyond what we can understand, so it won’t ever be that simple.”
“True, Coach. True.”
“How does it feel? To finally be back here, to find out you have a child? What’s that done for your relationship with God?”
I rub my hands on my pants. Even though I’ve dug deep spiritually with Josh, I knew Coach would have some questions.
“Well, I feel a little blindsided. I wish I’d known sooner.
I missed what Raegan is like when she’s pregnant.
And I wasn’t there when Grace was born. I wasn’t there to help with the sleepless nights.
I didn’t see her first smile.” I stare out the window.
Sure, there will be other kids, but I can’t rewind time, can’t get a chance to have those moments with Grace.
Coach nods. “Have you taken all those worries to God? Told Him how you feel?”
I cock an eyebrow. “Sort of…”
“You know He’s got the answers. And you’ve got to bring up those feelings with Raegan. If you’re moving on together, you have to be on the same page. There can’t be secrets.”
He’s right. Raegan and I both have to be completely honest. I have to really tell her how hurt I am that I’ve missed so much of Grace’s life.
“Are you doing a Bible study with anyone?” Coach sets his empty coffee cup down on the table. “If you aren’t…. Could I interest you in doing one with me again? It could just be you and me, or we could invite some other guys. It’s all up to you.”
“Well, it’ll be expensive, driving two hours up every weekend, then driving back down to Frisco once the season is in swing.” I tilt my head to the side, thinking it over.
“We could do it over FaceTime, if that’s easier.”
“I’ve been talking to Josh and Jared a lot, two guys on the team. Even when I’m not there, we have our Bible study over FaceTime.” I shrug. Wisdom in a multitude of counselors, right? “It can’t hurt to do two Bible studies.” We both laugh.
Having Coach’s wisdom back in my life will be helpful. Maybe it’ll help in this healing process.