33. Chapter 32
Austin - The Present
I’ve been in town for three solid weeks, but tonight is my first time eating with the whole Carter family.
I can feel the sweat beading on the back of my neck and I want to wipe it away and pull on my hair.
I settle for just wiping it away and pray that my nerves will calm down.
I hop out of Raegan's jeep and unbuckle Grace out from her carseat.
She smiles and pats my chest while saying something adorable in Grace-ease as I follow Raegan inside.
The scent of baked bread and a wood fire greet me and a familiar warmth envelops me. Nothing much has changed, the same plants sit outside the front door, and the usual sounds of someone working in the kitchen echo down the hallway, just like in the past.
Raegan and I toe off our boots at the door, and I follow my nose, and Raegan, to the kitchen, Grace still on my hip, her little hands reaching for my ear.
Raegan's dad, Matt, stands up from his spot at the island where he’s chatting with Raegan's mom who is grating cheese into a pot on the stove top.
“How is the professional baseball player doing?” He asks as he comes over and wraps an arm around my shoulders.
“Good, sir. I’m doing good.” I mumble, my cheeks turning red. I didn’t expect a hug. I expected a gruff hello, maybe a handshake, and to be glared at through the whole meal. Even though it was never like that in the past, I have no clue how her dad views me now.
“What did I say about this ‘sir’ business?” He claps my shoulder as a chuckle rumbles from his chest. I remember the day he told me not to call him sir.
I’d been just as nervous then as I am now.
“Why don’t we have a seat in the den while we wait for dinner to be ready.
Raegan, go help your mom.” Matt heads toward the den and I follow him, taking Grace with me as a distraction and a shield.
It’s been a year and a half since I was last here. The sofa is just as lumpy, the same scarred table sits to the one side of the room, a board game already set up on it. Everything is the same, down to the mistletoe hanging in the doorway.
I feel like I’ve aged more than the eighteen months that have passed by. Sometimes I feel certain that if I look in the mirror I’ll see some age lines.
Grace pushes at my chest, “Da, da,” she tells me. I wish it was my name, but I know it just means she wants to be set down. A basket of baby toys sits at the end of the sofa, and she totters straight for it. Plopping down, she grabs a toy and quietly entertains herself.
“I don’t remember what Izzy was like at that age, but I can’t help but feel like Grace is a bit of an angel.” I watch her with a sense of pride and amazement.
“Well, we know that no one is perfect, but she’s pretty dang amazing.”
Grace looks up with a grin. “Da-da.” It’s like she agrees. Matt and I chuckle.
“Take a seat.” Matt instructs as he sinks down onto the well-worn sofa. “So, how’re you feeling, being back in Clear Creek?”
I sit down on the edge of the sofa, before settling back into it.
I study Matt, he hasn’t changed much; there might be a few more gray hairs than before, but his brown eyes are just as warm, and I don’t feel like I’m being judged at all.
The anxiety roiling in my stomach settles down.
The voice in my head tries to bring the guilty feeling back, but I push it away.
I look up and realize that Matt is waiting for me to answer his question.
“It’s a little surreal. I–” I pause, wondering how much Raegan has shared, and how much I should divulge.
“I wish I hadn’t left things the way they were when I moved back to Atlanta.
That Rae and I had done things right, but I wouldn’t trade Grace for anything. ”
Grace pulls herself up by my knee, banging her toy and babbling.
She gives me her toothy grin, adoration shining in her eyes, and I start to feel more relaxed.
Her short dark curls are silky under my fingertips, her skin soft and smooth.
I keep my focus on her, not wanting to see Matt’s reaction.
I gently stroke her cheek, and she scrunches her nose at me and snorts.
I laugh and she does it again before wobbling over to Matt. “Uhhh.” Matt reaches down and lifts her up, kissing her cheek and setting her on the sofa between us.
“Grace is just like her name. A display of God’s grace.
” He leans back, folding his arms. “I won’t lie, Austin.
It was rough, watching Raegan hurt.” I swallow and look away.
“I won’t chastise you, or make you feel bad.
God lets everything happen for a reason.
Everything we go through is for His glory, right? ”
I meet his eyes again and nod.
“So, somehow God will get glory. And all those involved will either grow closer to Him, or turn from Him.”
I nod. I know it’s the truth. I could’ve ignored the truths I learned with Coach, but God had a plan for me.
“Um, you’re okay with Raegan and I dating again? Figuring this all out, and–” I feel sweat breaking out on my forehead. “Maybe eventually we get married?”
“You’re working on your relationship with God?”
“It’s getting there. I’m understanding more about His forgiveness and grace everyday.”
“As long as you’re treating my daughter right, I have no issues.” His words are calm and even, but his eyes are serious. They communicate a silent message. Don’t hurt my baby girl again.
I focus on Grace
“So, how is it, playing baseball for the minors?” Matt changes the subject.
I lean back. I could discuss baseball all day.
“Man, it’s way different than high school baseball.
” I laugh and run a hand down my thigh. “It’s been good though.
I wasn’t too thrilled about the trade, but I’ve got good teammates.
A few of us meet for Bible study almost every day. ” Matt nods and smiles.
“I’m glad to hear you’ve got good teammates. I’m too much of a homebody to do something like that.” He chuckles, his shoulders jumping with the sound, “not to mention I lack the skills.”
I laugh with him. “We each have our skills, and the jobs God gave us, right?”
“That’s right.”
Grace continues to babble in between us, reaching out and patting our legs and smiling up at us. My heart swells. I’m a lucky man. I wish I hadn’t missed so much of her life. But I’m glad that I’m in it now. And I don’t want any other life. I want a life with Raegan and Grace in it forever.
After dinner, I carry a sleepy, but screaming Grace to the car. She fights against being put in her car seat and I feel like Raegan might join her in the crying. “Did you want to sit back there with her? Maybe it’ll help her settle down?” I offer, hoping that maybe it’ll help.
Raegan looks up at me after finally getting Grace in the car seat.
Thankfulness, adoration, and maybe even love pass over her face.
We haven’t said those words since getting back together.
She sighs and wraps her arms around me. Her voice is muffled as she speaks into my shirt.
“I’ve only gotten to sit in the back with her a few times.
” She looks up at me, “it’ll feel like we’re a real family.
” A tear falls from the corner of her eye and slides down her cheek.
I brush it away with my thumb, wishing that it was my lips brushing it away instead. I’m so tempted to kiss her, but I know that this time we need to go really slow. Not to mention the child inside the car that’s still screaming.
“Hop in the backseat with her, and I’ll take you home.” I squeeze her one last time before she gets in the car.
Grace’s screams instantly quiet as Raegan strokes the side of her face. I watch them in the rearview mirror for a few minutes before pulling out of the Carter’s drive.
Back at Raegan's apartment I sit on the sofa while Raegan does her regular nighttime routine with Grace. Her little apartment is perfect for her and Grace. It has me wondering if I’m supposed to be paying her or anything.
She hasn’t mentioned anything yet, so I assume that she isn’t looking for anything like that.
She gently closes the bedroom door and tiptoes quietly away from it. With a sigh she plops down onto the sofa next to me and tips her head back. Her rosy lips tilt up in a smile. “I like having you here.”
I can’t help but reach over and grab her hand.
Our fingers intertwine and warmth runs up my arm as her fingers stroke mine.
I want to pull her close in a hug, let my lips brush her temple and her lips.
My eyes rove over her face, looking at every spot where I would press a kiss.
But I will wait, even if she makes me wait until our wedding day to kiss her again.
“I like being here with you.” I whisper after finally finding my breath again. I clear my throat and go back to the question I was thinking as she put Grace to bed. “Um, I was thinking, while you were putting Grace to bed. Um, do I need to help you, um, financially, in any way?”
Raegan's head pops up from the back of the sofa, her eyes wide. “No, Austin. No. No.” She shakes her head. “You owe me nothing.” She shifts and tucks her legs up underneath her. “I know that our little family isn’t ideal, not yet, but you don’t need to give me any money.
” She ducks her head, twisting her fingers together.
I lean down, trying to see her face. “I do want to help in some way, Rae.” I would love to tell her that I’m going to marry her eventually, that someday I will provide for her. “So, me just visiting every chance I get, is that enough?”
Her eyes finally meet mine again, their blue gray color is darker.
“Austin, there were times that I thought that you might not ever be in our lives.” She swallows.
“I wasn’t sure how I would tell you about Grace, how you would feel about her.
If you’d want to know her, want anything to do with me.
But now you’re here, and just you wanting a part in our lives is more than I could ask for. ”
Uh oh, she’s going to cry again, isn't she? I can’t stop myself, I reach out and pull her against my chest. “I don’t want to move too fast. But Rae, I’m all in. I want to be there for every special moment. We are a family, Rae.” She snuffles against my chest.
“We are, Austin. We are.”
Without warning she lifts her head and presses a kiss to my cheek. I blush like she just gave me my first kiss before she pulls me in for a hug.
This is home. Her arms around me. Our hearts beating together. This is home.