35. Chapter 34
Austin - The Present
A hand waving in my field of vision startles me from my stupor. “Austin, what are your thoughts?”
“Sorry, I’ve just got a lot on my mind.” I scrub a hand over my tired face.
I’m sitting in Bible study with Josh, Jared and a few new guys.
Some days I miss it just being the three of us, but this is iron sharpening iron.
We all have different backgrounds and views, so the varying perspectives are a nice change.
Jared’s heavy hand settles on my shoulder. “We’re all here for you, man. Tell us how we can pray for you.”
I’ve tried my best to keep my emotions locked down.
They don’t need to be displayed for everyone.
There are times where I don’t even want to tell Raegan what I’m feeling, but we’ve agreed to no secrets.
And I’m doing my best to stick to that. It’s just more than I can grasp at times that Raegan is back in my life, that I have a little girl who loves me, and that God doesn’t see the mistake I made when He looks at me.
“Whether you choose to share or not we’re always praying.
” Josh is more open than I am, and he’s always concerned for us.
Even though he carries some pretty heavy burdens himself.
Rachelle had another miscarriage not long ago, and even though I wasn’t there to experience pregnancy with Raegan, I can’t imagine losing a baby before they’re born.
To watch your wife hurt and not be able to do anything about it.
Josh looks at each of us individually. “From the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. I know some of us have big things on our plates. God has given us these trials, these responsibilities; because of how much care and attention we’ve shown in other areas.
Don’t look at these trials as bad things, as obstacles.
These are given to us by God, because we’ve proved that we’re capable.
But we’re only capable because we trust Him. ”
The guys and I all nod in agreement. How much am I trusting God? Am I trusting Him enough to stop dragging my badge of sign of guilt? I’ve held onto it, treated it like it was a part of me. But it’s not. It’s gone. Washed away by Christ’s blood.
I sit lost in my thoughts as the other guys talk and eventually leave. I’m sitting there staring at my open Bible before I realize they’re gone and it’s just Josh and me. We sit in silence for a bit before Josh speaks up. “How are things with Raegan and Grace?”
“They’re good…” I smile thinking about Grace’s newest words and antics “I never imagined being a dad at twenty. It’s just not easy being apart from them. Not that I know what it would be like to be married, and all that. But I’m sure you don’t like being apart from Rachelle during away games.”
“With her being two hours away, your life is like a long string of away games. And away games suck when you’re a family guy.
” Josh leans forward on his elbows. “I get it man. I want nothing more than to be with Rache. But I love baseball, and from what I can see right now, this is where God wants me.”
I nod. Josh and Coach both have the same outlook on life. The same ability. To always point things to God. Josh’s perspective and advice have helped to solidify that God has a plan for me. I just struggle sometimes with not being able to see that plan.
“I hate being apart from Rache, but man, I love these Bible study times with you and the guys. And if I had some other job, I probably wouldn't be able to have a Bible study.”
“Why did God give me this load to carry? You don’t have to answer me. But, why me?” I finally say aloud the words I’ve been thinking.
“‘The one who is faithful in a very little thing is also faithful in much;’ Luke 16:10.” Josh quotes.
“But I wasn’t faithful. I disobeyed God.
How have I shown that I’m capable of these responsibilities?
I haven’t even had a relationship with God for all that long, especially one where I viewed Him as my Savior, not just a being who made everything, but here God is heaping all these relationships and responsibilities on me. ”
“You went to Him after you slept with Raegan? Sought Him in prayer?”
“Yeah,” I say with a grimace. I went to Him not with a humble heart, not to seek forgiveness at first. I was mad at Him.
“Do you think sometimes that’s all God wants? Us seeking Him? If we change immediately, how much impact did that trial really have?”
I guess it makes sense. I know trials make us more like Christ… But I don’t like trials. Not that I would trade the trials I had, or the outcome, for an easier relationship or life. But I just don’t get why God picked me.
A verse from our recent study in Isaiah pops into my mind. “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
I adjust my ball cap and shift in my seat. “Each time I talk with you, I understand a little more about God’s plan. But man,” I smack my palm on the table. “I wish I could see those plans sometimes!”
“But then wouldn’t you ask God to change some of them? Make it all easier?” Josh raises an eyebrow.
I screw up my face. “Ya got me there. I would. I would probably tell God that His plan was too difficult. Or that I didn’t like it.”
“But He’s the creator. So, He knows better, right?
” I feel challenged. But it’s a good thing.
“He's got a plan for you Austin. Don’t doubt it. Just keep on trusting. One foot in front of the other on the path that He’s put you on.
” Josh pushes his chair away from the table.
“I’ve got to go now, but I’ll catch you later at practice. ”
I get up and follow him out. “See ya then.”
My next stop for the day is the gym for my game day conditioning routine, but first I’m going to see if Raegan is available for a quick phone call.
I stretch, reaching down towards my toes, my legs spread wide.
I know some of the guys purposely stretch with their backs to the crowds because they enjoy the attention.
I choose to face the fans, my backside view is for one woman only; once we’re married, that is.
I chuckle, thinking back to when Chrissy and Jaimie dished on Raegan's secret love for baseball pants.
The sound of the crowd is lost on me, my mind a little over one hundred miles away.
I wonder if she’ll watch today's game. I got her a MiLB TV subscription, so she can watch every game, and she has tickets for a game in two days. It’s the game right before my day off so I get to ride back with her.
With her in the crowd maybe I’ll do one quick stretch with my back turned…
No, that view is for Raegan only. But if she just happens to glance at it… Well, I won’t stop her.
“What’re you chuckling about over there?”
I pop my head up from my stretching position and glance over at Tim, who plays shortstop. “Just thinking about how some of the players love to give the crowd a view of their butt.”
“And you don’t?” Griff lifts his chin and his brows raise in a look he knows the women love.
He’s got the blonde hair, the angular jaw, winning grin, perfect teeth, and flirty personality that the girls go for.
He’s quite proud of his social media following.
In his words, “the girls be poppin in the DMs.” Whatever that means.
“I’m not too interested in the whole world seeing my butt. Don’t think Raegan would be interested in the ladies in the crowd ogling it either.”
“More ladies for me.” Griff turns, and blows a kiss to a group of fans sitting in the stands.
I turn away so he can’t see me roll my eyes. Would the old me have relished the ladies' attention? I’d never really been a flirt.
“Thomas, catch a few grounders.” Our third baseman yells from his spot on the right field line.
After several tosses, I back up and we switch to catching fly balls from each other.
A twinge of pain shoots through my right shoulder as I throw the ball.
A dull pain circles the whole shoulder whenever I lift my arm up too high.
I ignore it, pushing through. Pain has to wait.
I can tell the conditioning coach about it later. It isn’t that bad.
I jog to second base after the national anthem finishes and the umpire behind home plate calls “Play ball!” There’s nothing like the buzz you feel at the start of the ball game.
The pain in my shoulder comes and goes as the game goes on.
It doesn’t keep me from hitting well, or playing my position in the field.
I can wait another few days before I tell the conditioning coach or the therapists on the team.
After a seven to six win and a fresh shower, I’m sitting in the clubhouse, putting myself back together so I can head home.
I reach down to tie my tennis shoes and another twinge of irritation shoots through my shoulder.
I noticed it in the shower, but like at the start of the game it isn’t that bad.
Okay, fine, it’s been a little stronger today.
I collect my things and head for the door. “I’m out for the night, see y’all tomorrow.”
“No milkshake tonight?” Jared asks from his spot in his cubby where he’s finishing his usual post-game hair routine.
“Nah, I’m a little worn out.” I want to call Raegan, and I just want to lie in bed. My days are long, and baseball can be physically demanding.
“See you bright and early for Bible study, right?” Josh points both index fingers at me.
“Always, man.” I salute him from the brim of my ball cap as I leave.
Two Days Later
“Da-da, hole.” Grace’s little arms reach for me and she nearly falls out of Raegan's arms. She’s got so many teeth now, and her grin shows them all off.
“How’s my little girl?” I catch her against my chest. Her chubby hands grips my jersey and she scrunches her nose at me, wanting me to rub it with mine.
I give her what she wants because I know it’ll make her giggle, and that’s my current favorite sound.
It used to be the sound of a ball hitting a bat, but her giggle tops even that now.
Holding Grace in one arm, I reach out and pull Raegan close with the other. Her arms slip around me, and her blue-gray eyes gaze up at me with adoration. Her honey-blonde hair is in its usual braid, not a speck of makeup mars her face, and her lips are pink and kissable as always.
I look into her eyes, silently asking permission.
We haven’t talked about this yet. I don’t want to push our boundaries and repeat our previous mistake.
Raegan rises on her tiptoes and brushes her lips across mine.
I want to grab her, pull her in for a deeper one, but she pulls back before I have the chance to wrap an arm around her.
“I want to go slow with the kisses. Maybe we set a thirty second timer or something. We’ll figure it out.” She giggles.
“Me. Me.” Grace claps. I pull away from Raegan and press my nose to Grace’s cheek, inhaling her fresh baby scent. I know she isn’t really a baby anymore, but still. I blow a raspberry on her cheek and she tries to give me one back. Raegan laughs too, and I fall a little more in love with her.
I can’t decide whose laugh I like better; Raegan's or Grace’s.
They both laugh with abandon, letting the happiness that comes with the laugh take over their whole being.
Bliss. That’s what it feels like to love and be loved by these two ladies.
I press my nose to Raegan's head and breathe in her coconut shampoo. “I’ve got to get out on the field soon for practice, but you come back down after the game is over.”
Raegan gives me one last hug before slowly extracting her arms from around me. The loss of her warmth makes me shiver. I love baseball, I really do, but as she takes Grace back into her arms… I feel alone.
Almost like I could give up baseball and be fine. Because I have them. And they’re all I want.
“Wish I didn’t have to play right now.”
“At least I’m here, cheering you on. Watching you play.” Raegan smiles, her eyes sparkling.
“Watching me or watching my butt?” I wink at her, my insides doing a happy dance at the blush that spreads across her cheeks.
“I wish Jaimie and Chrissy had never told you about that.” She rolls her eyes and giggles.
“Well, I’m glad they did. I think it made me love you just a little bit more.” I lean down to brush my nose to hers, Grace’s laughter filling the air around us. “And just so you know, your butt looks great in everything.”
I take satisfaction in the way she closes her eyes and bites her lip. She’s cute when she’s embarrassed by my flirting.
“Alright,” she flicks the brim of my hat. “I’ll be up in the stands. See you after.”
Waving, I watch them go, praying that the game goes faster than usual.