36. Chapter 35
Raegan - The Present
The computer cursor hovers over the submit button.
I mash my lips between my teeth. Is this what I want to do?
Dad says he’ll pay for it. But will it actually bring in more revenue for the café?
I know how to bake almost every type of cake and cookie out there.
Well, it feels that way. I haven’t mastered it yet, but I’ve been working on opera cakes, tuxedo cakes, and even a croquembouche.
I haven’t told anyone about that one, because I can’t even say it properly.
God, if you don’t want me going, don’t let them accept me.
With a push of my finger, the application to Tyler Junior College is submitted.
I sigh as I close the laptop and lay my head down on top of it.
Is this the right thing? Can I deal with putting Grace in childcare while my mom and one of my employees take care of the café?
I haven’t even talked it over with Austin, which totally goes against our no secrets deal.
“Ugh. Stupid. Stupid. I shouldn’t have done that.”
Picking up my phone, I tap Austin’s name, hoping that I don’t interrupt a practice or something important. I head back to the café kitchen and check the timer for the cookies currently in the oven. Austin picks up after four rings.
“How’s my Sunshine?”
“I think some clouds are blocking the sunshine right now.” I set the phone down and slip in my earbuds so that my hands are free to clean up the kitchen.
“Talk to me, babe. What’s happening?” His voice moves over me like a gentle caress.
“I did something.” I groan. “And I probably should’ve talked to you about it.”
“About what?” He draws the words out. “Did you get a tattoo with my name and jersey number on it? Ooh, how about a heart with my name in it, on your chest?”
His goofy jokes and laughter ease some of the tension, and I drop my hands and bark out a laugh. “In your wildest dreams.” I can give birth unmedicated, but I’m drawing the line at getting a tattoo. For now.
“Hey, I’m cool with it. Maybe I’ll get one over my heart with your name, then add Grace’s in a smaller font under it. And then I’ll add more as we have more kids.”
“Don’t put the cart before the buggy there yet.” I shake my head, not willing to admit that the thought of my name inked on his chest pleases me.
“Huh, what does that mean?”
“It means that you have to marry me before you’re inking my name on you, or adding any more names to that list.” If we were talking in person, I would playfully jab a finger into his chest. A wave of longing winds its way through me. I dislike the distance.
“Rae?” Austin’s voice drags me from my thoughts.
“Sorry, just got lost in thought there.” The FaceTime tone on my phone starts ringing. “I’m in the middle of some baking and cleaning in the kitchen. Unless you want to watch me run around the kitchen?” I infuse my tone with laughter.
“I’m always up for watching you work. I know how much you love your job.”
I dry my hands off and set my phone up where Austin will have a view of the majority of the kitchen.
A smile covers his face once he shows up on the screen.
He’s been letting his stubble grow a little more recently.
I squeeze my hands into fists, my fingers itching to feel it scratch my fingertips.
I sigh, and he smirks at me. He thinks he can read my mind.
“So, it’s not a tattoo. And you clearly haven’t dyed your hair any crazy colors.
So… What did you do, Rae?” He quirks an eyebrow, its perfect shape nearly reaching a glossy curl hanging down onto his forehead.
His hair is wet like he recently showered.
Mmmmm, he probably smells good. “Rae, stop daydreaming.” His husky laugh causes a shiver to traverse my spine.
I shake my head. “You’re distracting me.
Anyway…” I swallow, “I applied to culinary school.” I quickly turn back to the dishes I need to put away.
Even though I can’t see him, I can feel the weight of his gaze on my back even through the phone.
A metallic taste fills my mouth and I realize that I’m biting my tongue.
“Say something!” I whirl around and clap a hand over my mouth.
Oh man. This is awkward. “Sorry.” I whisper through my fingers.
“Rae, for real?”
I nod. “For real.” I lean back against the counter, my hands tucked behind me.
“I’m impressed, Rae. I know you’re a good baker, but this will put you over the top. Everyone will want to come and eat at the café. Who knows, maybe you’ll become world famous. A household name!”
“Okay, now you’re teasing me.”
Austin holds up his thumb and forefinger. “Just a tiny bit. But for real, Rae, I think it’s great.” The smile that pushes his cheeks upward deals a feeling of pride through my veins.
“It’s out in Tyler, so I’ll have to drive out there for classes, and my mom will run the café, and…” I hesitate.
“And what, Rae?”
I poke a bubble in the sink, watching as the rainbow in it disappears with the contact of my finger. “I’d have to find childcare for Grace, my mom can’t manage her and the café at the same time.”
“Okay, do you have any leads on who would do that? Are you thinking like a nanny sort of thing, or sticking her in a daycare?”
I unplug the sink, watching my reflection slowly appear as the water drains.
He’s taking this better than I thought he would.
“You’re fine with that? I’m hoping to find someone from church.
At this point I hope that I can maybe do some of the general courses online.
It’ll save gas, and whatever money I need to spend for childcare. ”
“I’ll help out with the childcare in any way that I can.”
“I don’t want you to feel like you have to.”
Austin holds up a hand and stops me. “Raegan Marie, she’s my daughter.
And one day,” he becomes intensely serious, “one day you will be my wife. And even though we’re not there yet, I’m helping you out.
I’ll support you in any way that I can. And right now that will include helping to pay for Grace’s care while you go to school.
You’re going to be amazing, Rae. I have no doubt you’ll be at the top of the class. ”
Tears bubble up and I can’t trust my voice. Who knew that your hormones could get crazy when you stop breastfeeding? I’m learning that they somehow do. And some days it makes me feel like I’m going crazy.
“Thank you,” I say, after swallowing the lump of emotion in my throat. “I honestly wasn’t sure how you would take it. I feel like a bit of a bad mom, when I really think about it.”
“Rae, you’re the best mom ever.” His direct look goes deep, like he can see into my heart. “Grace is blessed. You’ve been through a lot, and I know some of it is my fault, but when it comes to being a mom, you’re the best one out there.”
“It’s not your fault.” I shake my head at him.
“Yeah, well, I played a part in it.”
“It’s in the past, and we’re both free from sin’s hold, forgiven of our sins, and filled with the Holy Spirit.”
“Sometimes I don’t feel free, forgiven, and filled.” Austin’s mouth twists downward.
“I know. Me too. But we can’t always trust our feelings. Our feelings are connected to our failing human bodies and based on what we can see and touch. Being free, forgiven, and filled is based on faith. We have to trust God.”
I’m preaching to the choir there. I miss Ms. Rosa and her words of wisdom and encouragement. My mom is wonderful, and full of the same advice, but somehow it was different when it came from Rosa.
“You’re a wise woman, Raegan Carter.”
This man knows how to praise me and make me blush.
“So, what’s going on over there? Going to hit home run number sixteen tonight?”
“If my arm hol–.” His face blanches and his eyes grow wide.
“What do you mean? What’s wrong with your arm?”
Austin grimaces, a look of shame crossing his features.
“Austin Jay Thomas, you tell me right now what is wrong with your arm.” I use the same voice that I use with Grace when she’s about to do something that she knows is wrong.
He stares back at me like a deer in the headlights, and his mouth opens and closes like a fish. I move the phone to where I can see his face as I inventory the spice cabinet.
I stare back, slowly raising my eyebrows.
Two can play this game. I’m used to it. I’ve successfully used the mom eye on Grace on several occasions to make her drop an object or step away from something she shouldn’t touch.
“Austin?” I try a different approach, softening my voice, but keeping the mom face on.
“Dang it, Rae! You got that mom voice and face down real good.” He scrunches his mouth and nose before laughing. “I’m pretty sure it’s nothing. It’s not a big deal.”
“I am your girlfriend. The mother of your child.” Oh, how I wish I could stand toe to toe with him right now, gaze with fierce intensity into his emerald eyes, and weasel his secrets from his grasp. Okay, that sounds more nefarious than what I would really be doing.
He sighs and tugs at his hair; a sign I’ve come to associate with him being nervous. “My shoulder has been bothering me. Sometimes, when I lift it too high there’s some pain.”
“Austin. How long?” I’m shocked. Don’t men always act like things are worse than they really are? Women are the ones that brush off the pain, labeling it as nothing.
“It started shortly after I joined the Silver Spurs. It’s not a big deal. I’ll be fine. I probably just need to stretch more, lift less. Something like that.” He brushes a hand over his right shoulder, acting like it’s nothing.
“You’re certain that it’s nothing? Have you had a doctor check it?” I keep my tone gentle and even, I don’t need to go into mom or big sister mode again. But I would love to ask a million more questions and make some suggestions.
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” he pleads with me. “Please, don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.”
I sigh and open my mouth. But I don’t want to argue, so I close it and reach for the cinnamon canister to check how much is left.
“You know my stats, I’ve been playing well.
I’m catching grounders just fine, catching pop flys, batting above average.
I’m fine, Rae. Promise. If it gets worse, I’ll tell the trainers.
” He makes an X over his heart, a puppy dog look entering his eyes.
“Oh, and Josh knows, so he’ll keep tabs on me. ”
I blow out a big breath. I’ll drop it for now, but I’m going to be watching him closely from now on. “Okay, I’m glad he knows. So, what else is going on?”
We talk for a while longer before saying I love you and goodbye. As I finish inventorying the spices, I ask God to show Austin and I what’s next for our life.