Chapter 39
Tracy
Iam a liar.
Or at the very least, a fibber. But a small lie with good intentions isn’t so bad, right?
Shifting on the exam table, the tissue paper crunches underneath me, the sound obnoxiously loud in the quiet, sterile smelling room.
Thank god Blake didn’t insist on coming with me to this appointment, because I already know what the outcome is going to be, and I have no idea how I’m going to tell him.
When he came into the bathroom earlier today, I couldn’t even look at him for fear he would see the secret I’m hiding. I’ve been a mess for the last week, nausea swirling in my gut from the events with Lucas, my fears about this appointment, and what I know is the true cause of my queasiness.
I’m on the pill, and I usually get my period like clockwork, so when it hit the two week late mark, I took an at-home pregnancy test, and now I wait for the inevitable confirmation headed my way.
The door handle wiggles before Dr. Turner breezes back into the room, clipboard in hand. When the door is safely shut behind her, she says the words I’ve been anticipating since I made this appointment, “Yup, you’re pregnant.”
My hands ache as I clasp them together tightly in my lap.
“Going off your last menstrual cycle, you’re about six weeks along,” Dr. Turner continues.
Six weeks. That means it happened the first time we had sex—when Blake bent me over his desk and fucked me as he told me how much he hated me. I drop my face into my hands and let out a groan.
“I take it this wasn’t planned,” Dr. Turner accurately states.
“No,” I mutter into my palms. “It wasn’t.”
“There are options available if—”
“No,” I cut her off. “I mean, I know there are. I just don’t think I’m in the headspace to hear them right now.”
It’s a half truth. I don’t want to hear them right now, because I already know I’m keeping it. Have I thought about having kids? Sure, but it was always in a ‘some day down the road’ type of way. But this young and with Blake? That’s where the uncertainty lies.
The graying woman offers me a kind smile. “That’s understandable. I’m sure this is quite a shock.”
I nod along, not hearing a word she says after that, and when I finally return to my car, a mountain of pamphlets and forms in my arms, I let the anxiety and fear and worry consume me.
My entire life, I’ve always been the strong one.
The stubborn one. The confident one who can handle anything.
But right now…right now, I feel like the world is spinning out of my control, and I don’t know how to stop it.
I don’t know how to wrestle it back to a place where I can at least pretend to have a grasp on things.
And I’m afraid—so, so afraid—that this is going to put an end to Blake and I before we even had a chance to get started.
That between everything with Lucas, and now an unexpected pregnancy, he’ll decide I’m not worth the trouble, and I’ll finally get what I thought I wanted: he’ll treat me like anyone else.
A tear escapes the corner of my eye and I brush it away, hating how a tiny droplet of saltiness can be such a big sign of weakness.
I need to tell Blake, but I can’t. I need to see him, but I’m terrified. I need him to not leave me, but I’m so afraid of what his response will be that I don’t even know where to turn or how to approach this.
Digging through my purse, I pull out my phone, trying to decide what to do.
I could call Riley. She’d support me in a heartbeat.
She’d probably even move back here to help me.
She has the biggest soft spot for those she loves, and if I asked, I know she would drop everything to come play house with me and help me raise this child.
But I could never do that to her. I could never burden her with that responsibility when she’s finally healing from the death of her parents and starting a life for herself in Utah.
So, I text the only other person I can think of in this moment.
I text Whitney.
Me
Can you meet me tonight? For a drink? At 7?
Her response is immediate.
Whitney
Hell yeah! Work’s been no fun without you. Have a place in mind?
We can’t go to our usual spot at Connor’s Corner Pub. There are too many recognizable faces, and I don’t want to have this discussion where people we know might hear. Opening Google, I search for a random bar on the other side of town and shoot her the address.
Whitney
I’ve never heard of this place
Me
Trust me, it’s great
Even if it’s the grungiest of dive bars, I don’t really care. I just need someplace where we’ll be anonymous.
Whitney
It better be if I’m trekking all the way across town when we have a perfectly good pub right down the road from me, or I’m never letting you choose the bar again for as long as I live.
Jk. Maybe. *smiling devil emoji* I’ll meet you there!
Normally, I’d pick on her for her dramatics, but I leave it, and instead message Blake with trembling fingers.
Me
Would you be upset if I canceled our dinner plans to hang out with Whitney? I just need some girl time
Blake
No, have fun, sweetheart. Be safe.
Huh. That was easier than I thought. He’s been so overprotective since Lucas trashed my place, I was almost certain he’d insist on either coming with us or making Whitney come to his place.
He doesn’t say anything, but I can see how tense Blake is. I can practically feel the violence that rolls off him. He’s itching to deal with Lucas, but apparently Lucas is on the run.
Which is probably for the better. I’m afraid of what Blake will do when he actually gets his hands on him. I’m afraid his temper will surpass all other reason and take over. And now, with a child in the picture, I can’t let him do something he’ll regret.
God, how do I even bring this up to him, though?
I don’t even know if he wants kids. Heck, I don’t even know if he likes kids. And would he want one with me? We’re barely even together, and now to have a child thrown into the mix…
Taking a few deep breaths, I force myself to stay calm. I’ll talk to Whitney tonight, and I’ll come up with a plan. It’s what I do—I find a way to make things work.
Everything will be okay. It has to be.