20. Kailey
Kailey
Three weeks have passed since Beth was diagnosed, labeled as brain-dead.
Mom fought the staff and demanded a second opinion.
When the second doctor’s conclusions were the same as the first, Beth was unhooked from the machines that were keeping the rest of her body alive.
My mother prayed for a miracle, and it never came.
Everyday life physically hurts with Beth gone.
I cry in the shower and take multiple sleep aids at night to attempt peace of mind.
I withdrew myself from the nursing program, which was supposed to start last week.
Never stepping foot inside a hospital again would still be too soon.
The coroner’s report stated that her body had four times the amount of fentanyl to kill a person.
Her death certificate lists her cause of death as homicide, however, to this day, nothing has been done about it.
Local police officers and detectives said there wasn’t anything that could be done in regards to going after that asshole Joey.
There wasn’t enough evidence to prosecute.
Sarah took back her initial statement, and instead, told authorities that she was unsure of what really happened by the pond.
Alcohol was involved, so it changed the entire integrity of the case.
Jared has continued to call and text, and he even showed up at my work a few nights ago.
I can’t even look at him without feeling sick with guilt and shame.
There is no way around the truth: Beth would still be alive if I never fell for Jared.
His gift, my heart pendant necklace, is resting against my neck—the coldness against my hot skin, a constant reminder that what we had was real.
Zoning out, I continue to stare mindlessly outside my living room window.
After my bereavement leave ended, work has been a true chore to attend.
Everywhere I look, memories of Beth bombard me and hit me at full force.
Her stopping by to visit me at work. Her leaving me funny tips.
Or the times Beth would pick me up after my shift ended so we could go on one of our traditional Mexican food dates.
No more smiley, cheerful, carefree Kailey.
She died that night, along with Beth. It’s hard enough to force myself out of bed and into the shower, and to be present for my family.
Our parents and Travey are also barely holding it together.
Travey lives in his room, on his PC. Mom and Dad attempt to put up a good front of them surviving day to day, but Mom’s nightly cries still travel down to my basement apartment.
Sarah and I haven’t spoken. I hate that she took back her statement about what really happened that night, and I want to know why.
Brittney makes her appearance daily, with coffees or sweet treats.
She tells me that my family is in everyone’s prayers.
Nothing can take the pain away, not even her nice gestures.
Greg and Steffan send daily texts in our friend group chat, letting me know they miss me and are always just a phone call or text message away, if they’re ever needed.
I know that they’re each giving me space, but I still feel like I’m suffocating in my own skin.
My phone pings from the floor with an incoming text notification.
I grab it, flip it open, and see that it’s another text from Jared.
CapGuy:P
Please don’t do this to us. I love you.
I’m so sorry for everything. What can I do?
Just tell me! I’ll do anything for you, Dimples…
You are it for me, my other half, the pulse to my heart, too.
CapGuy:P
Just fucking talk to me!!!!!!
I read his words over again before closing my cell phone, placing the screen face down next to me. I rub on the inside of my wrist, remembering his lips, his words.
Honestly, I really thought I could eventually move on from these negative feelings toward Jared.
I love him, but the terrible truth is, it’s not enough.
He needs to be with someone who can look at him and see the wonderful, handsome gentleman that he is.
Not a constant reminder that he’s the sibling of the murderer who took Beth from me.
Jared could’ve done something, right? He was there, on his own property for fuck’s sake! Like, why didn’t he know what the hell his brother had been up to? Or maybe if he would’ve gone out of his way and found Beth to talk to her when she got there that night, maybe she’d still be here with me.
Anytime I miss him and long to kiss him, the floodgates to my mind open, filling me with enough guilt and shame that it suffocates me, making me wish it was me who had died instead that night.
I can’t be with him; it would only cause us both more pain than we’re already experiencing.
But this necklace, the one I’m currently swinging back and forth as a method to calm me, I’ll keep forever.
It will be a constant reminder to me of the happiest day of my life…
the old Kailey. That can never be erased, because it was before the worst day of my life.
Jared just happens to be involved in both memories.
He belongs in my past; he wouldn’t survive my future.
I hear tires outside tracking against the pavement, and Brittney’s Bronco comes into view. She gives me her signature honk. I open my front door, and I can’t help but smile at her and give her a wave.
“There’s my beautiful bestie!” she squeals while hopping out of her seat and walking over to the passenger door.
Internally, I cringe at her words. Ugh, I’m not so sure about the “beautiful” part.
I haven’t showered in days, and I’m wearing a shirt three times too big and sweats that had to be rolled up at the waist three times to stay on my hips.
Maybe I’ve lost some weight during all this…
“I brought us coffee. And moscato. Whichever you’re feeling up to!” A big bottle of moscato is tucked under her right armpit, while each of her hands hold a coffee cup. I notice right away the slogan on the side of each cup; it’s from my favorite place to grab a coffee.
“You don’t have to spoil me every time you come by.” Leaving my door open, she follows me inside and places the coffees on my kitchen table. Brittney grabs the wine bottle, giving it a little shake in the air. “So, which are you feeling?”
She really is the best; I’m lucky to have her. “Let’s drink the coffee while it’s fresh and steamy. I can already smell those caramel macchiatos.”
“Deal!” She walks over to the fridge and puts the moscato on the top shelf. Brittney hands me a coffee, and we both settle ourselves on the couch, legs curled in and facing each other. She doesn’t even take a second glance at my appearance.
I nudge her foot with mine. “Thank you, this means a lot. You know, the part where you come by every day to check on me.” I give her a tearful smile, and then busy myself by taking a big sip of my macchiato.
Froth hits my tongue first, then the flavor consumes me, and it relaxes my body; a sigh escapes from my mouth.
“Anytime, babe. You know I’m always here for you.”
Brittney shifts uncomfortably before she lays her next words on me. “So, the guys tell me Jared keeps asking about you.”
I look away, uncomfortable. “Yeah… he’s been texting me multiple times a day. He even stopped by my work a few nights ago. I couldn’t even go outside. I hid instead.”
Brittney grabs a hold of my knee. “So what’s going on then? Did you mean what you said?”
I look into her hopeful eyes before speaking my truth. “Yeah, sadly… I really meant it. That’s the problem, Britt. He made me so damn happy. But now it’s all jaded. I can’t think of him, or even look at him, without feeling guilty.”
“But you do know that he had nothing to do with it, right? Jared didn’t kill your sister, Kailey.”
“Yep, well, it doesn’t change the fact that if I’d never met him, Beth would’ve never been introduced to Joey, and she’d still be alive!” I slam my cardboard cup down too hard, causing foam to splash out of the top.
“Okay. Okay.” Brittney places her palm flat against my upper back and rubs smoothing circles.
“I can’t live my life here without her.” I rest my head on the armrest of the couch. “Mom, Dad, Travey… we’re all just shadows of ourselves, trying to survive day by day.”
“Well... there was another motive for my impromptu visit today…”
I perk up at her confession. “Okay… that isn’t suspicious at all...”
Brittney stands up and looks down at me.
Her feet are shuffling back and forth, and her words come out rushed.
“I got accepted into that law school I applied to earlier this year. The one in Chicago. Their first semester won’t start until January, but we could move up there now; we could start fresh there together! ”
I sit up, elbows on my knees, and look straight into her bluish-gray eyes. “You want me to come with you?”
“Duh, we were always supposed to live together, right? Let’s do it!” She’s bouncing up and down, unable to hide her excitement. “Think about it. We’d be somewhere that Beth never was; we could find you a nursing program there. And I know your family would understand.”
I stand up from the couch and give her a tight hug. Pulling back slightly so I can look her in the eyes, I shout, “Well, first off, congratulations, bestie!!!” In our excitement, we’re both bouncing up and down, holding hands. I kiss her on the cheek. “I’m so proud of you! I knew you could do it.”
“So then, say yes, and come with me! My parents even said that they would help us get squared away there.”
Unease settles within my gut. Could I really leave here and start over? Become a new version of myself?
“I’ll think about it, honestly.” I give her a mock salute, and she bursts into laughter. Her happiness radiates off of her. I need more of that in my life.
“Okay, whew. I’m just happy you didn’t shut me down with a flat-out NO,” Britt says dramatically.
She stays into the late evening. I ordered us a cheese pizza to go with our moscato. We snuggle on the couch and watch Jersey Shore. It’s our favorite show, reality TV at its best.
Brittney heads home, but not before telling me to take her offer seriously.
After crying my eyes out for what seems like forever, my hot bubble bath is now cold without any bubbles.
Pulling the plug in the drain out, my eyes watch the water slowly empty.
Once I’m naked, laying in an empty tub, I stand up and turn the shower on to rinse my body off.
I dress myself in a fresh cotton pajama tank and short set; it’s white with lemons all over.
I brush through my hair until there are no more tangles.
Watching myself in the mirror, my eyes go straight to the sunflower vine then up to its head.
My fingertips lightly graze over it, completely healed and beautiful.
Just like the one on Beth’s neck. This tattoo will forever be a constant reminder of her, and she will always be with me, every day.
Lying in bed, I toss and turn throughout the night and pray for sleep to take me.
Even my sound machine playing waterfalls, along with the sleep aids I took, isn’t knocking me out.
My mind continues rolling on a loop, thinking about my life and what my future could be like.
Finally, I’ve come to a decision: I can’t be here anymore.
Pulling my cell phone off of my bedside table, the charging cord disconnects.
I hold it close to my heart and open it slowly, pulling up Jared’s last message from today.
Me
Let me go, Jared. That’s what I truly need. You have to stay in my past.
I close out of his text thread and open the one labeled Britters, and tap out the message before I can change my mind.
Me
I’m in!!! Let’s get the fuck out of this town.
Mini Playlist
~ Can you hear me? By Munn
~ Healing hurts by BLU EYES
~ You’d never know by BLU EYES
~ Honest by Song House, Kyndal