7. Mason
Mason
Age-Eighteen
I turn my head back and look at my phone screen, the last text message still open from last night.
POS Dad: We have the boys’ T-ball game tomorrow. I put extra money on your card so you can go out after your graduation. We’re heading up to D.C. for a couple of days for some business stuff, and Rose wanted to bring them, so you’re on your own until we get back.
I don’t know why I thought anyone would give a fuck about me graduating high school today. They haven’t given a fuck about anything else I do.
The fact that he had to take my brothers away too pisses me off, though. I didn’t even get to tell them bye.
They’ve basically made me feel like their parent for the past three, almost four, years now, and then they just swoop in whenever they feel like it and take them away without saying anything, like I’m not even supposed to care. As if they don’t mess with my head enough.
I’m leaving for college in a couple of months, and as much as I want to get far away from here, I don’t want to leave them. I’ve watched them grow so much and have been there for every single milestone so far. Now the only way to get away from everything I hate is to leave them behind.
I hate that that thought makes me emotional, and that all I hear is my dad’s voice telling me to stop being a little bitch and man up.
I pray no one breaks Easton and Asher’s spirits the way mine has been broken.
At least I know my dad treats them better than he ever treated me, so I know they’ll be okay. Still doesn’t make it any easier, though.
I shake off those thoughts and try to close my eyes again, trying to get some more sleep before I have to be back up and get ready for our graduation ceremony today.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even be going to it if it weren’t for Jackie. Yeah, I’m that guy who does whatever his girlfriend tells him to do. And she insisted that I walk across that stage today and feel proud of everything I’ve accomplished, especially being valedictorian.
Her hand comes around my chest, and I tuck my phone away, pulling the covers back up over my chest. I turn to look at her, and she’s still asleep, nestled into my side.
I feel like shit, and I’m not looking forward to today.
I need a distraction to keep my mind from spiraling, because there’s just so many changes coming at once, and I don’t know how to handle them.
I turn to face her and slip my hand under the covers, pulling her closer to me. She stirs a little, and I tuck my head into her neck, trailing kisses down it. She giggles a little and stirs some more in my arms.
“Mase, it’s still dark outside.”
“So?” I say into her neck. “Little…pre-graduation celebration.”
She turns her head up to face me. “Mmm, fine. As long as you promise not to bail on any of our plans for today.”
“Deal,” I tell her, already moving under the cover, between her legs.
We’ve been together for over a year now, and she’s the only person who’s been there through the darker days. Not that we talk that much, but she’s still always there at least. I’ve found that the best distraction for my feelings is to bury them between her thighs.
I wish we had the fireworks everyone talks about when you fall in love with someone, but I really just don’t think it’s possible for me to feel much of anything. I’m just so numb these days. Sex is what we’re good at. It’s the only thing that makes me feel alive. And I do love Jackie.
I think.
She’s sweet, she’s kind, she actually pushes me to be better, and I appreciate her for that, even if I don’t know how to be that great of a boyfriend back.
She’s the only girl I’ve been with since the painful embarrassment that Delilah was, and I appreciate her for how she’s helped.
I still get sick seeing Delilah around school, tucked under Danny’s arm…exactly where she wanted to be the whole time.
At least Jackie has more self-respect than that. She doesn’t sleep around, and she would never hurt or embarrass me like that.
I don’t know what the future holds for us, with me going to Texas for college and her staying here for college, but we’ll make it work.
I’m sure we will.
* * *
“They really aren’t coming?” Jackie asks as she walks over to me, turning around for me to zip up her dress.
“No. But what does it matter? He’s never shown up for me. He’s never missed a single T-ball game for the boys, yet only shows up for the recruitment day when it comes to me.”
She turns around and pushes her long, wavy brunette hair back behind her shoulders, then leans up on her tiptoes and kisses me.
“Their loss. Do they know how hot you look in your uniform on that field?” she teases, running her hands down my button-up shirt before looking back up at me. “And in this suit and tie.”
I squint down at her. “Don’t go boosting my head up unless you want me to undo the zipper on that dress again.”
“After graduation,” she promises with a wink.
We finish getting ready, and as I’m pulling out my box of ties from the closet, I pull down a box that feels heavier than just ties. When I open it up, I realize it’s the box my mom left for me…the one with letters for every special occasion in my life.
I sink down onto the floor with my back against the closet island and just hold it in my arms. I almost forgot about this.
I only pull it down on my birthdays to open the cards she wrote for me.
They’re birthday cards for 100 birthdays in there.
I laugh every time I see them. I hope I get to see 100 so I can read them all.
I flip through them until I see the one for my high school graduation day, and pull it out, just staring at it. I don’t know if I should read it before or after the ceremony since I know it’ll make me cry. Everything I read from her makes me cry.
“Babe! Are you ready?” Jackie asks, pausing when she walks into my closet and sees me on the floor.
“What’s that?”
I look up at her, feeling so empty without my mom here to watch me walk across that stage today.
“Letters from my mom…”
She sits down beside me and looks over at the letter in my hand that says, ‘High school graduation day.’”
“Are you gonna read it now?” she asks softly.
“I don’t know…”
“I think you should,” she tells me, putting her hand over mine.
“I don’t know if I want to get emotional before the ceremony.”
“Maybe it’ll help you be able to picture her out there watching you.”
I’ll be doing that anyway. I do it all the time. I just pretend she’s still here, still going through life with me. Every time I see a stupid butterfly, I feel like a little boy all over again, chasing the ghost of my dead mother.
I go to open the seal, and Jackie starts to stand up. “I’ll give you some privacy—”
I grab her arm. “No, stay. It’ll help.”
She sits back down and places her head on my shoulder as I open the letter.
Dear Mason,
My baby is graduating today.
I’m sitting here crying as I’m writing this.
If you see an old tear mark still staining the page, they’re happy tears, I promise.
I’m so proud of you, Mason. You’ve always been the smartest and most driven boy.
I’m sorry—man. You’re a man now. My baby is all grown up. It’s crazy how I can picture you so perfectly. You’ve grown to be such a handsome young man.
You get your looks from me, you know? I mean, where do you think you got that beautiful blonde mane of yours? Your dad might have blonde genes on his side, but trust me you got that straight from me.
And those beautiful eyes of yours that have so much spark in them come from me too.
Don’t ever lose that spark, baby boy.
This is one of the first big days I get to write to you outside of your birthdays.
I wish I could be there, Mase. And I will be. I’ll be in that crowd cheering you on, I promise. Just look for me. Listen for my voice. I’ll be there with you.
College is right around the corner now, and I pray you let yourself enjoy it. Don’t let your dad make you feel like you’re not allowed to have any fun. Live your life freely, son.
I want to see you party a little for me, too. Just be smart, be safe, and protect that beautiful heart of yours. Don’t chase empty things trying to fill it. Don’t become shallow like the rest of them. Stand out.
Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up and run away either. Enjoy your youth, enjoy your life. Have fun, smile, eat the cake, dance in the rain, make friends for life, fall in love a couple of times, and laugh as much as possible. It’ll keep you young.
I love you, Mase. Enjoy today, and enjoy the start of the rest of your life.
Love, Mom.
It’s my tears that drop onto the paper now, and I try to wipe them off so they don’t smear the ink.
Jackie picks her head up from my shoulder and kisses the side of my cheek. She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t need to. I tuck the letter back into the envelope, putting the lid back on the box, then stand up and turn around to help Jackie up.
I don’t know if I’m ready for where life is about to take me, but I’m trying to find comfort in my mom’s words. I want to enjoy this. I want to enjoy the journey. I just wish I didn’t feel so numb all the time. I wish my heart and brain worked the way they’re supposed to.
* * *
Graduation was…a lot. A lot of people, a lot of cheering, a lot of speeches, a lot of pictures, and a lot of congratulations.
I’m standing out in the parking lot now with Jackie and a group of our friends and all their parents. Jackie’s parents both hug me and tell me congratulations as we’re all saying our goodbyes to them so that we can head out to grab lunch and get this long day of celebrating started.
I try not to think about the fact that nobody is here for me. And I try not to think about what everyone else is thinking when they see that my dad didn’t care to show up.
I take Jackie’s hand in mine and turn to walk off with a couple of guys on my side and her friends beside her when I see a little butterfly resting on top of my car’s hood.
I shake my head and smile.
At least one parent showed up, huh?
You always show up, Mom.