7. Mason #2
We all pile into several cars, filling every seat, and I throw my suit jacket in the back, hitting Caleb in the face.
“Hey, man!”
I look at him in the rearview mirror and laugh. “Sorry. Gotta strip down for the beach! Who’s ready for a little pre-gaming before tonight?”
Jackie looks over at me from the passenger seat. “Do we need to stop by and get more drinks?”
“I’ll call Max and ask what he needs us to bring.”
We spend most of the day riding waves, hanging out on the pier, and sneaking drinks whenever we can. Luckily, Max lives on the coastline, so no drunk driving. I’ll just crash with Jackie in one of his spare rooms after the party and head back home in the morning.
Not like anyone will be wondering where I am. No one ever cares or checks in.
By the time the sun starts setting, we’ve got a bonfire on the beach going and drinks in everyone’s hand.
The longer I try to mask my feelings, the louder they get.
So the louder I have to get to overpower them.
I’ve become the loudest in every room but the quietest when I’m alone.
I don’t talk about my feelings anymore. I just hide them behind a smile and fake a good time.
That’s what makes everyone else around more comfortable.
I’m sitting on a blanket between the fire and the waves when Jackie comes over and sits on my lap. I move my arms around her, still holding on to my beer.
She brushes some of my hair out of my eyes and looks down at me. “You good?”
“Of course,” I lie automatically.
She gives me that knowing look. “You wouldn’t tell me anyway.”
I don’t need her poking me right now. “I said I’m fine, Jackie. Just have a good time.”
“I know you’re lying.”
I roll my eyes, not wanting to talk about my feelings when I’m here to not have to feel anything.
Jackie is good at parties and people and feelings…I’m not.
“I’m just tired,” I tell her. “That’s all. It’s been a long day.”
“Let’s grab some drinks from in the house, then? Maybe find a room?”
Normally, I’d be all up for sex as the solution, but right now, I’m still too sober, and the thoughts are still a little too loud.
“Let’s just get some drinks right now. I’m not really in the mood.”
She huffs, and I can see her try to hide the hurt, but I can’t bring myself to apologize or care. I wish she would just try comforting me without sex…however that looks.
She gets up and tells me she’s going to get drinks, and I tell her I’ll be in there in a moment.
I just stare out at the ocean, tipping my beer back and hating the way it tastes, but begging it to help.
I’m tryna have fun, Mom. I am. It’s just…I don’t know how to have fun when I don’t even know how to be happy.
I forget Jackie is waiting on me, and I realize I’ve been sitting out here talking to some of the guys for probably way too long.
I tell them I’ll catch back up with them, that I’m gonna go find Jackie, and get up to head into the house.
Inside, I grab a couple of shots and shoot them back, needing more than beer to help tonight. The room spins, and I get pulled in several different directions, making me forget what I even came into the house to do.
Senior year of high school really got me out of my shell a bit. Maybe it was just not giving a fuck anymore, or maybe it was how loud I started to get with my humor and personality. It attracted people nonetheless.
“Mase!” a guy calls out over a crowd of people. “Come take a shot with us!”
I’m moving towards them when I feel a pair of small hands grab me. I look down to see a girl trying to pull me to dance with her, and I just give her an excuse as I keep walking over to the guys.
A couple more shots later and a couple more turned-down girls later, I remember that I’m supposed to be finding Jackie, so I get up and start searching in the kitchen and rooms on the first floor before heading upstairs.
She’s probably over the party by now and waiting for me somewhere.
As I’m walking up the stairs, Max calls out to me. “A&M first-round pick right there!”
Some people cheer, and I raise my red cup in the air, smiling. “I’ll see you out on the field when we whoop your ass, Max! Bama can’t touch us!”
He laughs and flips me off before I turn back to walk upstairs.
It’s getting harder to breathe in here, and my head is spinning. I feel like I’m going to be sick. I need to find a bathroom up here.
With so many people packed in this house, I can barely tell where I am or where I’m walking. I push through a door to find an empty bedroom, and then see a bathroom door that’s cracked open. I’m about to puke, and I need to get in there quickly.
I push the door open and come to a halt when I see Jackie propped up on the bathroom vanity, another guy’s hands wrapped around her thighs, and their tongues so far down each other’s throats that I gag a little.
I don’t know if it’s from the alcohol or the fact that I’m watching my girlfriend cheat on me right in front of my face.
“Take your pants off,” she tells him in a hushed and hurried voice.
I push the door so it slams against the wall, not being able to just stand here and watch that happen, and not being able to turn around and leave either.
Her head snaps to me, and I watch her leap off the counter so fast, running toward me.
“Mason!” she yells, like she’s shocked to see me at the party we came to together.
“What the fuck, Jackie?”
I can actually see the guy’s face now that he’s not down my girlfriend’s throat anymore. It’s a guy from our high school’s baseball team, a guy she used to be friends with.
She rushes toward me, but I block her, moving her to the side as I rush over to the toilet and throw up.
“Damn, man,” the guy says, slurring.
“Please get out of here,” Jackie tells him.
He puts his hands up and just walks out, too drunk to care.
My body slumps next to the toilet, back against the shower door, and I look up at her, at the betrayal and fear in her eyes.
“Babe, it’s not—”
“Don’t,” I say, cutting her off.
“It’s not—look, it’s not what it looks like.”
“Then what is it?”
“It—it just happened. I didn’t—we were just talking and—”
I pull myself up and wipe my mouth on the towel hanging up.
Sorry, I know that’s gross, but hey, what do you expect with a bunch of drunk teenagers in your house?
“Save the shit, Jackie. I know what I saw. I know what I heard you say to him. If I hadn’t walked in, you would have been fucking him right now.”
“No—”
“Please shut the fuck up, Jackie. Stop trying to justify what you just did.”
“You know what, Mason? You’re a real asshole sometimes. You wanna know why I was kissing him?”
“No,” I tell her flatly.
“Because if we’re not having sex, you don’t even talk to me. You don’t pay me any attention. It doesn’t even feel like you love me.”
I laugh bitterly. “Well…I did.”
“I don’t think you know how to love.”
“I don’t!” I yell. “Congratulations, you figured me out. I’m fucked up, Jackie. I thought you knew that!”
“Then let me in,” she begs. “Let me help.”
She goes to grab my hands, and I jerk away.
“Not after that shit. We’re done.”
I don’t let her say anything else. I dip out of the bathroom, out of the bedroom, and out of the house.
She yells my name behind me, but I don’t answer.
It’s humid outside, and the anger boiling inside me makes me feel like I’m sweating bullets.
I hate how my dad’s words are constantly thrown back in my face.
“Focus, Mason. Don’t let women distract you. The minute you start caring is when they use it as a weakness against you.”
He’s wrong about almost everything. But maybe not that.
I look around and realize I have nowhere to go. I can’t drive, and I had planned to crash here. I really don’t feel like asking anyone for a ride home or trying to search for the very few sober people here.
Reluctantly, I turn around and head back into the house. I make it up the stairs when I hear Jackie call my name again.
“Mason!”
I find the room I left my overnight bag in, and she catches up to me as soon as I slam the door…right in her face.
“Go away, Jackie.”
I press my head to the door, my heart beating so fast. It feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest while it also feels like it’s simultaneously being ripped in half.
“I can’t,” she says softly through the door, and I can tell her head is lying right where mine is on the other side.
“You have to.”
“Please, Mason.”
I don’t answer her. I can’t. I’ll be damned if I let myself be weak for another woman ever again.
I will never give myself to another girl who can hurt me like this.