29. Simone
Simone
I never got that ice skating date…
And now I’m back on campus, feeling even more confused than when I left.
This has been the longest I’ve gone without hearing from Tyler, and it all just feels so…off. I don’t know where we stand, and I don’t know how we’re going to make it if we don’t get out of whatever funk we’re stuck in.
I’m happy to be back with my girls at least. I’ve missed them so much. And I was also really starting to get worried about Lydia, so I’m glad I can be back around her.
I got several concerning texts and a weird butt-dial over the break.
She swears she wasn’t out partying, but when I picked up, all I heard were other voices, and they all sounded pretty fucked up.
Every time I talked to her, she sounded less and less like herself, and I keep wondering if that was just from how she gets around the holidays or… something else.
I’m always scared of her starting to spiral without me knowing. I feel like if I can catch her or realize it’s happening before it gets bad, I can normally help. But she’s been so distant and secretive since we got to college.
I keep wanting to believe that she’s just getting out of her shell and she’s thriving and happy here…but something in my gut is telling me that’s just a front.
I’m on my way to pick up Lani and Sandro from the airport, and I wish Lydia had come with me, but she insisted she had to do something last-minute before we all got ready together for tonight.
When I pull up to their airline arrivals line, I see that bright, beautiful pink hair in the crowd of people. I put the car in park, not caring if I get yelled at, and jump out of the car, running to her.
Her RBF quickly turns into the biggest grin when she sees me. I pick her little self up, and I don’t know if I’m just being crazy or not…but she feels so light, and she looks even smaller than when I saw her just a couple of weeks ago.
“It was Christmas break, Lani…you were supposed to be eating all the junk, carbs, and desserts in sight.” I turn to Sandro, teasingly. “Are you just gonna let your sister waste away?”
I see Lani’s face drop a little, and Sandro looks confused and concerned when he looks over to his sister, then looks back to me, shrugging. “I tried to get her to go with me to In-N-Out almost every day.”
She lets out a little forced laugh. “I just wasn’t in the mood for trash food, I don’t know.”
One of the workers yells at us to keep it moving and to get back in my car, telling me that I’m holding up traffic, and I wave Lani and Sandro over to come get in and throw their luggage in my trunk.
When we’re all in the car, I turn to Lani again. “Since when are you not down for a fat, greasy, juicy burger?”
She shrugs. “Being home kinda makes me lose my appetite.”
My shoulders drop, and I frown. “I’m sorry, Lani. Seems like everyone had a shit break.”
“You can say that again,” she mumbles.
When we get back to the dorm, Lydia is back and rummaging through her drawers, looking for something.
“Honey, we’re home!” I shout.
She quickly turns around, closing the drawer. “Lani! You’re back!”
They hug and squeal, and I slowly see Lani light back up to her normal bubbly self.
The entire time we’re getting ready, things feel…off. Lydia leaves to ‘go to the bathroom’ at least three times, and Lani watches her every time, like she’s trying to place what’s off, too.
All of that tension seems to fade on the car ride over. We’re back in our groove, singing to the top of our lungs, laughing enough to make up for the entire break apart, and Lani is being her normal over-the-top and wild self.
I thank God every day for these two girls in my life. Boys are great and all, and don’t get me wrong, I love Tyler. He’s my first love…and hopefully my last. But there’s something about girlhood and best friends that fills a part of your heart in a way nothing else can.
We all get out of the car and start walking inside when my phone rings in my clutch purse. I grab it, pulling it out, and see Tyler’s name. It’s late, and he normally texts before he ever calls unless something’s wrong.
“Hey, babe? Everything okay?”
“Um, hey…you have a minute to…talk?”
“Talk about what?” I ask nervously.
“Um, just…us.”
My stomach drops in a way I wasn’t expecting.
I step back a couple of steps from Lydia and Lani so they don’t overhear anything.
“What about us, Tyler?”
“I love you, Simone. I don’t want you to be upset or anything—”
It’s then that I know exactly where this is going.
But why? Why now?
I’ve been trying so hard to keep this from happening. To keep…him.
What did I do wrong?
I shake my head, trying to stop the emotions crowding my throat.
“No…not right now. I can’t—I can’t talk right now, Ty.”
“Simone—”
“No, Tyler…I’m out with the girls, and we can have whatever conversation you want to have later…okay?”
“But, I think that—”
“Please…later. I’ll call you later.”
Anything to prolong my heart from breaking. From the boy who told me he was going to marry me at fourteen, not to shatter all the dreams I had and the life I’ve envisioned.
There’s silence on the other end, and I hear him breathe out a long sigh. “Okay. Call me later. It’s important, Sim.”
“Mhm.” I hear myself say it, but I feel disconnected from my body.
I hate the way this feels, the way this hurts already.
I hang up and start digging in my bag as an excuse to wipe the tears away so the girls don’t see them.
“Ready to have fun tonight, girls?” I ask, putting on the fakest smile I can manage.
I try to start walking, but neither of the girls walk with me.
“Is everything okay?” Lydia asks, genuinely concerned.
“What? Yeah. Totally.” My voice cracks, and I know it gives away the emotions I’m choking back, but I try to play it off anyway.
“Simone,” she says, giving me a look.
“What? I’m serious. Everything’s good. Let’s go party.”
“Who was that?” she asks, getting serious.
I give her a look, hoping she’ll see my silent plea to drop it and go inside. But she doesn’t.
I let out a small sigh. “It was…Tyler. Everything’s okay, though. Let’s just go have a good time. Please.”
She pauses, and I see the confusion on both of their faces. I mean, to be fair, I never talk about Tyler negatively. I thought all this was just that—a rough patch for us and didn’t want to tell anyone. But now…now he’s trying to break up with me? Not even try to make things work?
I really don’t understand it, or want to have to talk to them about it either. Lydia loves Tyler; she wouldn’t understand.
“Tyler?” she asks, confused. “You were upset, though? Did he do something to you…?” I see the wheels turning in her head, and then a hint of anger. “Did that fucker cheat on you?”
My eyes go a little wide. “What? No! No, he didn’t cheat. I mean, not that I know of. No…I don’t think he would…do that, no.”
I think I’m trying to convince myself more than her, honestly.
She raises a brow. “That’s a lot of no’s, Simone. Do you think he might have or something?”
I let out a breath. I really fucking hope not.
Lani is silently watching this exchange, trying to piece together what she can.
“I don’t know…I don’t think so. It’s just…
he was acting so weird over the Christmas break, like…
distant, you know? He acted like he was busy most of the break and barely saw me while we were both back home.
Even on Christmas and New Year’s…we were together, but…
it was like his mind was somewhere else.
I kept asking what was wrong, and he would say nothing was wrong, that he didn’t know what I was talking about.
That’s how we left things off, and when I got back to campus, he barely called or texted for days. ”
“What the hell?” Lani interjects.
Lydia shakes her head. “So…what was that call about then? What did he say?”
I shake my head, too. “Just that…we needed to talk.”
I see Lani’s mouth drop open a little.
“Talk?” Lydia asks, repeating me.
I nod. “Yeah…and you know what that means. I just couldn’t deal with that right now, so I told him this wasn’t the time.
That I was out and couldn’t talk right now.
I mean, damn…there has to be someone else…
right? Why else would he be breaking up with me after all of these years? Nothing has been wrong…until now.”
Well, that’s not really true. Maybe things have been wrong for a long time, and I just didn’t want to see it.
“That’s bullshit, Simone. What the hell? I should kick his ass—”
I put my hand up. “I don’t even want to think about it, honestly. I just want to go inside and get my mind off it for the night. If I don’t, I’ll start to spiral thinking about him with someone else…and I…I just can’t.”
Lydia thankfully drops it and takes my arm in hers and turns to extend her other hand out for Lani to take, too, and we all walk in together.
I decide pretty quickly that I’m not driving back home tonight. I didn’t plan on drinking, but after that…I’d rather spend tonight happy and blissfully naive for a little while longer. We’ll find a ride back, or I’ll call an Uber; I don’t really care.
I take every shot handed to me and some, trying to loosen up and enjoy my time. Lydia tries to cheer me up, and I love her for it.
At some point, she goes missing, and I get lost in the music, dancing with Lani. We’re swaying and laughing together as the alcohol does its job.
“Have you ever been heartbroken?” I ask, yelling over the music to Lani.
Her smile drops a little, but she keeps dancing. “Yeah…yeah, I have.”
I shake my head. “Does it ever heal? Does the hurt fade?”
She stops dancing for a second, and I can see the hurt behind her eyes like it’s fresh.
She shakes her head. “No.”
Dammit.
“Yeah…that’s what I was afraid of,” I shout. “I’ve never been heartbroken before…but I feel it coming, Lani.”
She pulls me back in to dance. “Don’t say that. Maybe it’s not what you think.”
“He doesn’t love me anymore, Lani…I can tell.”
She sighs and slows down again. “Come on,” she says, tilting her head. “I think I saw another shot over there labeled ‘fuck feelings.’”