54. Simone #2
I’m not used to having anyone take care of me like this. I’m used to being on the other end here.
When she finishes, she looks at me. “Do you want me to get Lydia?”
“No, no. I don’t want her worrying.”
Lani studies me for a beat. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I whisper. “Please.”
A part of me knows this isn’t just my period, and for some reason, that makes me more scared for anyone else to know.
She nods, but her eyes soften. “Okay. Then it’s just you and me, girl.”
Lani places a couple of towels in her passenger seat before helping me in. I draw my knees to my chest, trying to ease the ache, and just stare at the dash, trying to think about anything except the pain right now.
The drive is mostly silent, and I’m thankful, because I don’t think I can really talk right now.
Eventually, when the pain is on the downside of a sharp wave, and I can get a breath in, I speak.
“What is happening to me?” It comes out in a whisper, and I’m surprised she even hears me.
“We’re gonna find out, okay? It’s gonna be okay.”
“It doesn’t feel okay.”
“I know,” she says softly.
* * *
The emergency room is hectic, and all I can do is stand at the front desk, with a towel between my legs, and my head resting on the counter, trying not to move an inch, and bracing for more pain.
After getting checked in, the lady tells us to have a seat in any of the chairs, and someone will call my name soon.
I look over to the waiting room full of people and very few seats open, then look back to Lani, panicking a little because I really don’t want to have to sit in some chair, in a puddle of my blood, next to strangers.
My eyes widen when I feel more warmth between my legs, and Lani must see the panic on my face because she turns and finds the first nurse walking by, wheeling someone through the double doors, stopping her.
She says something quietly to her so no one else can hear, then the nurse looks over to me, face going a little pale before she rights her expression and tells Lani they’re going to fast-track me and get me straight into a temporary room.
Relief floods me, thankful that I don’t have to deal with the humiliation that would have been sitting out there.
As another nurse grabs us, she asks if Lani is family, and she immediately answers that she’s my sister. The nurse doesn’t ask questions anymore; she just takes us both back to the first freed-up bed they have.
They immediately start doing all the medical things—IV line, blood work, pain meds, and a lot of questions.
“How long has the bleeding been going on?”
“When was your last period?”
“Are you sexually active?”
My face feels hot as I nod.
Lani stays beside me, not even sitting down in the chair.
It feels like we’re waiting for hours after they leave.
Lani texts Lydia, just telling her that she and I went out shopping for the day and would be back later.
The meds are finally starting to help with the pain just enough that I’m no longer putting nail marks in the bed railings.
They come back and do an internal ultrasound that feels like the worst kind of violation when I’m in this much pain still. And then eventually, after what feels like forever, the doctor comes in, holding a clipboard, and pulling out her rolling chair to sit down in front of me.
“Ms. Edwards,” she says gently. “I’m sorry, but all tests have come back showing that you’re experiencing a miscarriage.”
The word I had been secretly denying, even though I was kind of prepared to hear, still hits me like a shot to the chest.
“No,” I whisper in disbelief.
My eyes feel like they’re stinging, like they want to cry, but I don’t know why. I don’t know why I feel so emotional hearing that confirmed, hearing that really be what was happening.
“The HCG in your blood test indicates that you were around seven to eight weeks along.”
Two months?
I was two months pregnant…
“I—I didn’t know.”
She places her hand on top of mine, and I can feel the soft wrinkles on her skin. The contact is soothing, but it doesn’t stop the sudden pain in my chest.
“With the irregular cycles you mentioned, it makes sense that you wouldn’t have known. You didn’t do anything wrong. These things are often completely out of our control.”
This baby that I had no idea even existed until now is already being ripped away from me.
“There’s significant bleeding, and it looks like there’s some retained tissue,” she continues. “The safest option would be for us to perform a D&C today.”
I stare at her. “A…procedure?”
“Yes,” she says, carefully. “It’s common, and pretty quick. But I know it can be emotionally difficult for some people.”
Emotionally difficult.
That feels like the understatement of the century.
I was pregnant.
I was pregnant, and I didn’t even know.
I didn’t even get to be excited before it was ripped away.
That thought freaks me out.
I wasn’t ready for kids.
I wasn’t ready to be a mom.
But I would have been.
And Mason would have been…a dad.
Fuck, that makes tears start to sting behind my eyes. I don’t know why I’m picturing that baby being the perfect mixture of Mason and me.
It’s such a cruel thought.
We could have been preparing to be parents right now.
The thought is so absurd it makes me nauseous. And then it makes me sob.
I feel Lani’s arms on me as she wraps me in a side hug, trying to comfort me.
The doctor goes on to explain everything that will happen and what the procedure entails, making me even more nervous and feeling vulnerable.
“We’ll use local anesthesia. That just means we’ll numb your cervix. You’ll be awake. You’ll feel a little pressure and cramping, but it’s a short procedure. Only about ten minutes.”
Awake.
“I’ll be awake?” I ask, repeating it like I didn’t hear that right.
“Yes,” she says softly. “If you prefer sedation, we can discuss that, but given your stability and how we need to move fairly quickly, local anesthesia is very safe and effective.”
“Um, yeah. Okay. Whatever you think is best.”
She nods.
“Do you have family you’d like to call?” she asks. “A parent? Anyone else who should be here?”
“How…how long does the procedure take again?” I ask because none of this is sticking.
“The procedure takes about ten minutes, thirty minutes total with prep, and then we would keep you here for about another two to five hours for post-op care.”
I look up to Lani, trying to wrap my head around all of this and trying to think what I should do.
It all feels like too much right now. Emotionally draining, and not something I want to talk more about or re-explain to anyone else.
I don’t want my parents worrying, and I don’t want them to be disappointed in me either.
I don’t want Lydia panicking for me and stressing herself out.
And Mason….
All I want is Mason right now.
And he would come.
But it would destroy him. He doesn’t need that guilt or stress. I can’t let this push him even further.
Would he be mad at me?
Would he blame me?
Would he think I got pregnant on purpose?
Would he think I lost it on purpose?
Would he think I did this by partying and drinking when I didn’t even know?
Is this my fault?
My mind is spinning with a thousand thoughts that I just want to turn off right now.
I turn back to the doctor and shake my head. “No, just my um…sister here. No one else.”
She nods and pats my hand. “Okay. We’ll take good care of you. Someone will be in soon to move you upstairs.”
When she leaves, I stare at the ceiling, tears still sliding down the sides of my face. Lani wipes them gently with her thumb.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispers.
“I feel stupid,” I whisper back.
“Don’t,” she says immediately. “Don’t do that to yourself.”
My phone vibrates loudly on the table beside me, and I just stare over at it.
Lani follows my gaze. “Do you want it?”
I nod.
Lani picks up my phone and hands it to me, and his name is the first thing I see as soon as the screen lights up.
Mason: You wanna hang today? I’ll take you anywhere you wanna go
The message is so casual. So him. Like the world is still normal. Like I’m still just Simone, the girl he kisses when he’s sober and holds tighter when he’s not—which is the majority of the time lately.
I want to tell him, I really do. I don’t want to hold this alone. But I—I just can’t. I can’t add this to the list of things he carries.
I just type back something simple, something casual, something that screams everything is still normal when it feels like anything but.
Simone: Hey, I’m actually out with Lani today. Rain check?
His response comes in quickly.
Mason: *Insert sad Mason* Okay. Just know I’m missing you
I keep staring at my phone, not having anything else to say back, because I feel too emotional, and I don’t want to lie to him any more than I already am.
“Was that Mason?” Lani asks quietly, walking closer to me.
I’ve never told anyone that I was hooking up with him. But you can never underestimate Lani. She figures out everything.
I nod, swallowing hard. “I can’t,” I whisper.
She doesn’t push it. She just squeezes my hand again. “Okay.”