54. Simone #3
A nurse comes in shortly after and tells me they’re going to wheel me down to the procedure room. She hands me a clipboard with some papers to fill out and sign on our way there, and I take it, trying to focus on the words when my head is barely here, barely being able to think straight.
I feel so detached from myself right now as I read words like evacuation, retained products, dilation, and curettage. I hate all of this. It makes me sick to think about what they have to do.
I want to just tell myself it’s not a big deal. That I didn’t even know until today, so it’s not like I was attached or anything. But I can’t help it still hurting like this is something major being taken away from me.
This wasn’t in the plans.
I always have a plan…
To be honest, I don’t even know what a plan is anymore. I don’t know what my life is anymore. It’s so different than the one I pictured.
When we make it to a pair of double doors, the nurse stops, pointing to a large room across the hall and telling Lani she can wait in there, and they’ll bring me back out once we’re finished.
She hugs me before walking into the room as I’m wheeled away.
In the room, two nurses help me get up onto the table and then place my feet on two stirrups, telling me to scoot down some so I’m ready for the doctor.
I feel like my heart is beating so fast, and my breaths are coming out ragged. I feel scared, not knowing what to anticipate.
When the doctor comes in, the room feels too full, too packed. It’s crowded now with a nurse, the doctor, and a student doctor, who they asked me if I was okay with coming in, and of course, I said yes because I’m too much of a people-pleaser even in the most vulnerable and scary moment.
The room smells so clean, like antiseptic and something metallic. It’s the only thing I can focus on right now, because I’m forcing myself not to think about what they’re about to do.
I stare up at the ceiling as the doctor walks in front of me, pulling on her gloves and placing a hand on my leg. “I’m going to have you move down just a tiny bit more, okay?”
I nod and scoot as far as she tells me.
I’ve never been through anything like this. My life has always been normal. Predictable. Safe. This feels like the opposite of those things.
“I’m going to start with the numbing injections,” she says. “You’ll feel a little pinch.”
I nod, my throat feeling tight as she inserts the speculum. It’s cold and uncomfortable, and it makes the cramping start back up instantly.
“Little pinch here,” she says.
The injection burns deep inside me. It’s not worse than the pain I felt this morning, but it’s sharp and makes me clench up a little.
“Breathe, okay?” the nurse murmurs near my shoulder. “It helps.”
I try to breathe instead of holding my breath, trying to calm myself down, and not brace for worse.
She does another injection, and it stings a little less than the first.
“Okay,” the doctor says, motioning for the student to come closer and watch.
I close my eyes, not really wanting to watch a bunch of people stare at me down there.
“You’re going to feel some pressure here, but it’ll be quick.”
Her tone is so gentle and disarming, but it does nothing to calm my nerves.
I hear the sound of suction that freaks me out a little, and then the room goes silent.
I feel her cold glove on my thigh, and then feel intense cramping as she continues to move further inside me.
My hands grip the side of the bed, and a tear rolls down my cheek without my permission.
It embarrasses me a little to be so weak in this moment.
The cramping gets stronger, and I grit my teeth as the sharp pain grips my abdomen. It gets so strong that my hips instinctively pull away.
“You’re doing good,” the nurse says beside me, placing her hand on my shoulder. “You’re almost done. Just try to stay still.”
My throat tightens with the emotions I can’t stop myself from feeling, and they make me feel so stupid. Like I’m mad at myself for caring so much, for it affecting me like this.
The suction slows, and then the cramping finally eases up.
“That’s it,” the doctor tells me, sliding the speculum back out and standing up. “We’re all finished. You did great.”
I feel hollow all of a sudden, and just nod, whispering, “Okay.”
I want to fully break and cry, but I can’t. And I don’t even know why.
They lower my legs from the stirrups and then cover me like this is no big deal. It’s not like they just removed the remains of a baby who had their own DNA, their own unique features, their own genetic traits that equally came from me and a boy I secretly love.
Later that night, back in our dorm, I stay curled up in bed while Lani hovers and Lydia constantly checks on me and brings me food and snacks because she thinks I’m sick, and I also started my period, so I’m just having a really rough day with the pain.
I hate lying to her. But the shame of it all feels too loud. Having it stay between me and Lani feels safer.
I end up silently crying myself to sleep, not just from the pain but from this confusing grief that won’t let go of me.