Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
ROWAN
I finish shoving the last of my clothes into the dresser, then pull out a fresh t-shirt and a pair of yoga pants.
Mere hours ago, I threw all my things into my suitcase, hoping to never step foot in this place again, too distraught and unsettled over the fact that the only reason I’m alive right now is because Hayden’s wife isn’t.
I almost didn’t come back here with him.
But something made me say yes.
A part of me wonders if maybe Cora had something to do with it. If she led me here so her kids could have a piece of her back.
After I change, I check my reflection in the mirror and reach for my makeup bag before hesitating.
Am I doing too much?
Am I trying too hard?
Why do I even care?
I put on makeup for people all the time. Or I used to. These days, I don’t care what anyone thinks. Life is far too short to give a shit about eyeliner symmetry.
Except I can’t quite shake the way Hayden looked at me when he asked me to stay for pizza.
It didn’t mean anything. It can’t mean anything. He’s my boss. I’m his nanny. He probably just thought the kids needed some stability after the emotional rollercoaster we’ve all been on today.
But the way he looked at me didn’t feel like a boss asking his nanny to stay for dinner for the kids’ sake.
I close my makeup bag after applying only a little gloss. Then I tug on an oversized sweatshirt and arrange my dark hair into a braid that falls over one shoulder. This version of me feels safer. Less flirty. More nanny.
Which is all I am.
I head back into the living room, expecting to find Presley and Jemmy entertaining themselves while Hayden cleans up or reviews patient notes, as is so often the case.
Instead, I stop short.
Hayden is on the floor.
Like, actually on the floor.
He’s traded his suit for a pair of faded jeans and a t-shirt, and Jemmy is sitting between his outstretched legs, pushing toy cars down a mini slide.
Presley has stacked blocks into a wobbly castle at the bottom.
Every time a car crashes into it, Jemmy shrieks with laughter and Hayden cheers like his team just won the championship game. Even Presley claps wildly.
It’s beautiful. And unexpected. I haven’t been here long, but I’ve never seen Hayden like this — loose, playful, fully present. It’s also a little bittersweet, because their mom should be here, too.
She should be sitting on the couch, rolling her eyes at the mess, probably filming the chaos on her phone.
In a way, she sort of is here.
Her heart is with them, even if they don’t realize it.
“Oh,” Hayden says when he notices me. “You’re back.”
“I didn’t want to interrupt. Whose idea was the slide?”
“Presley’s.”
I grin at her. “Good one.”
She beams like she just discovered gravity.
“Pizza should be here in about ten minutes. Hope you like Hawaiian.”
My nose scrunches before I can temper my reaction, and Hayden’s expression falls.
“You said you weren’t picky.”
“It’s fine,” I insist with a smile. “If it’s what the kids like, I’ll eat it.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Presley’s conniving grin, as if she’s attempting to hold in her laughter. One thing is certain. That girl has a terrible poker face.
“You’re messing with me, aren’t you?” I place my hands on my hips. “You didn’t order a Hawaiian pizza, did you?”
Hayden pulls himself to his full height. “I spent most of my adult life in Chicago. I may not be a native, but I’m pretty sure I’d be stripped of my association with that city if I ever admitted I liked pineapple on pizza.”
“What do you like on your pizza?”
“I’m more traditional, I suppose. Pepperoni. Sausage.”
“Thin crust or deep dish?”
“The correct answer is deep dish. All day, every day.” He heads toward the kitchen. “Want a glass of wine? I’ve got red and white.”
I hesitate, chewing on my bottom lip. “I shouldn’t drink on the job.”
“You’re off the clock,” he replies easily. “You’re not here as the kids’ nanny.”
“Oh.”
If I’m not here as their nanny, why am I here? I refuse to read into it too much. Like I told myself earlier. He probably just wants to give the kids some reassurance.
Still, a glass of wine sounds really good right now, if for no other reason than to relax me. My doctor did say an occasional glass is fine, as long as I’m careful. I’ve always been careful. So I nod.
“Red would be great.”
I follow him into the kitchen and watch him uncork a bottle. His arms strain slightly when he moves, muscles on full display. My brain makes the deeply unhelpful observation that none of the doctors I’ve ever had looked like him.
If they had, maybe I wouldn’t have been so desperate to get discharged.
I’d happily fake an illness in the hopes of Hayden giving me a thorough exam.
“Here you go.” His voice cuts through, forcing me out of my thoughts, and I take the glass from him. “Hope you like it. It’s from my brother’s vineyard.”
I arch a brow. “Your brother owns a vineyard?”
He nods. “Beckham’s the owner of Vivanza. It’s just outside of town.”
“Doesn’t another one of your brothers own a brewery?”
“Jude. Now if Finn or Dylan can start a whiskey distillery, I’d have all my bases covered.” He flashes me a wink, and my god… It makes my girly bits go all aflutter, the hairs on my nape standing on end.
I need to get my hormones under control. It’s probably because it’s been so long since I’ve had sex. Hell, it’s been a while since I’ve even had an orgasm. Lately, I’ve been so exhausted by the time I fall into bed, all I’ve wanted to do is sleep. I should probably rectify that, and soon.
Before I do something I’ll regret.
“To second chances.” Hayden lifts his glass toward me, and I meet his gaze, affection and sincerity swirling in his dark orbs. “Thanks for giving me one, Rowan.”
“It’s the least I can do.”
I clink my glass with his and take a sip of the full-bodied red. But Hayden doesn’t take his eyes off me, watching me with an intensity I feel deep in my marrow.
“It’s not like I could leave town if I wanted to right now anyway,” I add, trying to lighten the tension.
“Is that the only reason you agreed to come back? Because your van’s in the shop?”
“No,” I respond flippantly. “I said yes because I have to.”
This causes a furrow to crease his brow. “You have to?”
“I had a bit of a…health scare a while back,” I explain, not wanting to go into too much detail.
Not wanting him to put the pieces together.
“Is that the reason for the scar?” He glances at my chest.
I give him a subtle nod. “I’m fine now. Perfectly healthy. But it made me put things into perspective. I used to work sixty, seventy, even eighty hours a week.”
“What did you do?”
“I was a lawyer.”
“Wow. I did not expect that. Not that I don’t think you’re brilliant. I just don’t know many lawyers who are…fun.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” I wink, taking a sip of wine. “I thought success equaled happiness. I routinely turned down fun opportunities because of work. So after my health scare, I quit my job, bought my van, and decided to live life to its fullest, starting with having a ‘Year of Yes’.”
“And you just say yes to everything?”
I open and close my mouth several times, trying to figure out a way to explain this.
“There are some limitations. Nothing illegal, of course. Also, nothing that could result in a long-term commitment. Whatever it is has to enrich my life, not diminish it. Some days the yes is something big, like potentially nannying for a grumpy, stubborn single dad.”
I flash him a smile, and he chuckles, the laugh lines around his eyes crinkling.
“Other days, they’re small things. Like saying yes to sunrise yoga. Or having pizza and wine with my boss.” I lift the glass. “I started it as an extension of my life list.”
“Life list?” He arches a brow.
“After my health scare, I made a list of all the things I once took for granted but never will again. Like watching the sunrise in the morning. Or a really good cup of coffee. The more things I say yes to, the more experiences I add to my life list.”
He nods, seeming to process this. “Well, I’m glad you’re here, even if it’s only because you had to say yes.”
“I would have said yes even if I didn’t have to,” I admit. “Then again, I’m not sure I would even be in this town if I hadn’t spent the past several months saying yes. It’s led me on quite an adventure.”
“I’d love to hear all about it,” he replies, taking a sip of his wine as his phone chimes. He pulls it from his pocket and looks at the screen. “Pizza’s here.”
“Great.”
“Presley, grab your brother and help him get cleaned up,” he calls out as he heads toward the front door.
I turn toward the sink and wash my hands. As I’m drying them off, Hayden rounds the corner, carrying two pizza boxes with a few bags placed on top. My stomach immediately rumbles from the delicious aroma filling the room.
“Do you need help with anything?” I ask as he pulls out a few plates.
“Actually, there is something you can do for me.”
“What’s that?”
“Nothing.” He treats me to a gentle smile. “Just sit down.”
I lower myself into the chair I’ve noticed is usually left empty and take a large gulp of wine, needing it to settle the butterflies flapping around my stomach.
Thankfully, Presley and Jemmy come in seconds later.
I instinctively jump up to help Jemmy into his high chair, but Hayden’s beside me before I can.
“I thought you learned your lesson earlier,” he murmurs as he sets Jemmy into the chair.
“What do you mean?”
“About following directions.”
“I thought—”
“I told you to sit and let me take care of everything. So sit and let me take care of you for a change.”
A shiver rolls through me, my core clenching from the timbre of his voice. It makes me wonder what he’d be like in the bedroom.
Would he chastise me for not following instructions there, too?
Would he punish me?
Would he call me a bad girl?
Better yet, would he call me a good girl?
This is the absolute last thing I should be thinking of right now, but I can’t help myself.
Thankfully, Jemmy’s excited squeals force Hayden’s attention away from me. I take a deep breath to calm my growing nerves.
“I know, bud. You want your pizza. Just give me a second to cut it up for you.”
“I can do—”
I stop short, more than aware how Hayden will respond to my offer. Instead, I take another large swallow of wine, needing the burn to distract me from everything else.
“You’re learning,” he muses, throwing a wink my way.
Then he focuses his attention on cutting up a slice of cheese pizza for Jemmy.
“Would you like pepperoni or cheese, Rowan?”
“One of each.”
“You got it.”
After placing the pre-cut slices of pizza and strawberries onto Jemmy’s tray, he sets a dish in front of me with my pizza, along with a bowl of salad. Once Presley has her own plate, he sits opposite me.
“Cheers.” He lifts his wine glass.
Jemmy and Presley both raise their cups, and I join them, the four of us clinking our drinks together.
As I glance around the table, an unexpected warmth fills me.
This was once the life I wanted. The family. The noise. The chaotic dinners.
Since learning how dangerous pregnancy could be for me, I’ve made peace with letting that dream go.
But maybe I didn’t have to.
After all, the universe sometimes has a funny way of giving us what we need, even if it doesn’t look how we imagined.
And maybe being a part of this family, albeit temporarily, is enough for me.