Chapter 43
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
ROWAN
The house is quiet except for the hum of the dishwasher and the soft rhythmic swish of the brush in my hand.
I’ve already washed this pan twice, but it gives me something to do.
Something to occupy my mind.
It doesn’t help.
Today’s been tougher than I thought it would be.
Every time I’ve replayed the way Hayden looked at me this morning like I belonged in his bed, my chest has ached in a way that has nothing to do with scar tissue.
This year was supposed to be about saying yes.
Yes to experiences.
Yes to adventure.
Yes to living instead of waiting to die.
It wasn’t supposed to be about falling in love with a widower and his two children.
I should leave.
The thought has been circling me all day like a vulture. And every time I convince myself it’s the right thing to do, I think of Jemmy’s adorable voice calling my name first thing in the morning. Presley’s quiet smile as we cook together. The way they both light up whenever they see me.
Leaving them will break their hearts.
But staying might destroy mine.
Footsteps sound on the stairs, and my pulse immediately increases.
Hayden steps into the kitchen, his hair slightly mussed in that sexy way I can’t resist.
“The kids asleep?” I ask, keeping my back to him as I set the pan onto the rack.
“Jemmy was out after one book. Presley claims she’s not tired. She’ll be asleep in ten.”
I nod, pretending to be busy cleaning the counters in the hopes he won’t ask me to spend the night in his bed again.
Because I won’t be able to tell him no, even though I should.
“Rowan.” His voice is gentle as he touches a hand to my arm, forcing me to drop the towel. “I was hoping to talk to you about something.”
My stomach drops. “Is everything okay?”
“Better than okay.” His mouth curves into an almost boyish smile, making him look years younger. “I accepted a position at St. Andrew’s as their Head of Emergency Medicine. My last day working with Robert is next Friday.”
For a split second, I just stare at him, shocked. Then I throw my arms around him before I can think better of it.
“I’m so happy for you,” I breathe into his chest. “That’s amazing.”
He pulls me close, burying his face in my hair as he lets out a long, relieved sigh. “Thank you.”
I allow him to hold me for a beat before pushing against him and creating space between us. “I’m guessing your schedule won’t be the same.”
“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.” He threads his fingers through his hair, pushing out a nervous laugh. “I don’t want you to be the kids’ nanny anymore.”
“You’re…firing me?” I ask, emotions warring inside me, part relief, part confusion.
“No.” He steps closer, taking my hand in his and running a reassuring thumb along my knuckles. “Not like that. I just…” He pauses, licking his lips before returning his eyes to mine. “I don’t want you here because I’m paying you to be. I want you here because you want to be.”
My throat goes dry. “What are you saying?”
“I don’t want to employ you.” His eyes lock on mine, unguarded and certain. “I want to date you.”
The room tilts, dizziness overtaking me as I struggle to catch my breath. I pull my hand from his and use it to steady myself against the counter.
“We talked about this,” I whisper.
“I know. But I’m taking risks today. I stood up to Robert and quit the job I’ve hated since I moved here. I figured it was a good day to go after the one other thing I’ve been wanting, too.”
“Me?” I ask, even though I know.
“You,” he says, as if it’s the easiest thing in the world.
“You promised,” I manage to say through the knot in my throat. “No future. Just the present.”
“That’s what I’m doing. Living in the moment. Like you taught me.” His Adam’s apple bobs up and down. “I love you, Rowan.”
The air whooshes from my lungs, making it nearly impossible to breathe. “You… You can’t.”
“I can.” He erases the last remaining space between us, pressing a steady hand to my cheek. “And I do. It doesn’t have to change anything.”
“But it does.” My voice cracks. “It changes everything.”
“How?”
“There can’t be a future for us,” I whisper through the heaviness in my throat, my body physically fighting what I’m about to do. “Because I don’t have one.”
His body stills, the silence in the room deafening as his hand drops to his side. “What are you talking about?”
My fingers drift to the scar beneath my collarbone. The one he’s traced dozens of times.
“This,” I whisper. “It’s not from some minor surgery.”
“There’s no such thing as minor when it comes to the heart.”
“I know.” I close my eyes, steeling myself to get through this. “A little over a year ago, I collapsed at work.”
He straightens, his gaze sweeping over me. I see the physician in him now. The way his attention sharpens. “What was the cause?”
“Arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy.”
His face goes pale, his breathing becoming shallow. He may not be a heart surgeon, but based on his reaction, he knows exactly what that is.
And the prognosis.
“They tried medications. Procedures. Nothing worked. Eventually they told me my heart was too weak to keep beating on its own.” My voice wobbles but I force it steady. “So I got a new one.”
I don’t tell him whose heart I received. He made his choice on that matter clear. I can at least honor his wish in regards to that.
“It saved my life, but it’s not permanent. I have fifteen years. Twenty if I’m lucky.” I swallow hard. “Maybe less.”
Silence crashes between us as he stares at me, unblinking.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I just…” I glance up at the ceiling, attempting to collect my thoughts. “Everyone else who knows the truth looks at me like I’m already gone. Like I’m temporary.” My voice breaks. “You didn’t. You looked at me like I was… whole.”
A single tear slides down his cheek. “You are whole.”
“But I’m not forever.”
He squeezes his eyes shut as a sob slips free. I want to go to him. Wrap him in my arms. Assure him it will be okay.
But it won’t be.
Nothing I say or do can change this.
“It’s why I left home. Bought a van and started traveling the country. Avoided planting roots anywhere. And then I met you.”
My voice cracks, all the emotions I’ve kept inside since waking up with a new heart rolling through me.
“And for the first time, I wanted to stay. Wanted to belong.”
His eyes soften, and I can practically hear his response. That I can stay. That I do belong here.
“And that’s exactly why I need to go. You’ve already lost so much. Your kids have already lost so much. I won’t make you go through that again.”
With a shaky hand, I reach into my back pocket and pull out the folded paper, studying it for several long moments.
When I started writing it during Jemmy’s nap this afternoon, I wasn’t sure if I was going to give it to him. But now I know this needs to happen.
“Here.” I extend the paper toward him.
He eyes it warily, but takes it anyway. “What’s this?”
“My resignation.”
He stares at it but doesn’t unfold it. As if by refusing to do so, it would somehow make it not real.
“Hayden, I…” I trail off.
There’s so much I want to tell him.
I wish I had more time.
You make me want impossible things.
I love you, too.
But it won’t change the future.
Instead, I whisper, “I’m sorry.”
Then I walk away.
And I don’t look back.