Chapter 29 – Andie
ANDIE
The following day I was allowed back to the villa after being released from hospital. I still couldn’t fly for another forty-eight hours, though. The girls had gone back home, but Jonathan had flown out to stay with me. As soon as he came through the door, I bombarded him with questions.
“How’s Morgan? Have you heard anything? Can I call him yet? Have you seen him?”
“Wow, how about, thanks for coming out to stay with me. Or how are you, Jon?” he joked.
“Yeah, yeah all that. Well?” I gestured wildly with my arms, hanging off the edge of the sofa.
“Morgan’s still at the hospital. He has a concussion and minor cuts and bruises to his face, arms, legs, and ribs. You can call Kate if you want to, but his phone was damaged in the crash. I can’t remember what you asked me after that.” He hugged me and sat next to me on the sofa.
“Have you seen him?”
“No, I came straight out here.” He pulled me into his side and hugged me again. “How are you?”
“Not good,” I admitted. “I fucked up again, Jon.”
“You didn’t fuck up. This is not your fault, you know that.” He bent his head to look into my eyes and moved to kiss my forehead.
“I shouldn’t have allowed it to happen. I thought we were being safe, you know? The doctor here suggested an elective hysterectomy, said I’d have to go private.” I pulled back a little and looked at Jonathan, trying to gauge what he thought about the hysterectomy.
“How do you feel about that?” He pulled my busy hands into his, forcing me to focus on him. His eyes were narrowed, his lips turned downwards.
“It makes sense, I think. We know I can’t carry a child, and each time it breaks me a little bit more than the last. I think taking away the chance of becoming pregnant means that at least I don’t have to worry about what ifs. What do you think?”
“It makes sense to me, but whatever you decide I’ll be there for you.” Jonathan squeezed my hand.
“I know, you’re the best big brother ever.” I punched his arm lightly.
“Let’s order food and eat out by the pool.” He picked his phone and dialled the local takeaway.
I texted Kate again, she was probably sick of me by now.
A: Jon just got here. How is M?
K: Hey love, he’s better today. How are you?
A: Sad. Tired. Angry, then back to sad. I miss him.
K: He misses you, too. Sending lots of love to you.
I was just about to put my phone down when another text came in.
M: Hey Andie, it’s Morgan. Mine was wrecked in the crash. I’m okay, a bit bruised and battered, but okay. How are you? I wish I could be there with you.
Then a voice message came through. “Hey baby, I miss you so much...” I could hear the hitch in his breathing, the tears in his voice.
“I’m sorry about the baby…” I cut off the message.
I couldn’t listen any further. I could hear the pain in his voice.
I got all choked and put my phone down to wipe at the tears in my eyes.
Jonathan was looking at me teary eyed. “Hey, let’s go out by the pool. The sun will do you good.” He stood up and pulled me up with him, grabbing my phone, and leading me to a recliner poolside before he handed me my phone. The doorbell rang. “That will be food,” Jonathan said, jumping up.
I watched the pool water swirl slowly around the pool from the filter, lost in thoughts of Morgan and his voice message.
It was good to hear his voice, but I hated that I’d caused him so much pain.
All I gave him was pain and he still wanted to be with me.
My phone buzzed and I thought it was Morgan again, but it was an email from my divorce lawyer.
Not able to read it myself, I couldn’t handle any more stress, I handed it to Jonathan when he came back with food.
“It’s about the divorce from the law firm, can you read it? I don’t have it in me right now.”
Jonathan’s eyes scanned the email. “You got the car; it’s being delivered to Mum and Dad’s today.” He smiled at me. My phone buzzed again, and his face dropped. “It’s Max, I didn’t read it, it just popped up.”
He handed me back my phone, sat in the recliner next to me, and started eating his salad. I set my food aside, feeling sick. As I opened Max’s message another came through from him.
M: Happy divorce.
M: I want you back.
Then another.
M: I miss you.
I rolled my eyes. “Asshole,” I muttered and placed my phone on the side.
“So, I was talking to Morgan before this, and he said you two were talking about getting back together. Is that still happening?” Jonathan asked, handing me back my salad.
“I don’t know, Jon. I don’t think so.”
I opened the salad box just so I didn’t have to look at my brother, but as soon as the smell hit my nose, my stomach let me know that it was hungry. I ate small mouthfuls.
“How come? Pease don’t tell me you’re thinking about getting back with that twat Max?”
“No, fuck no,” I scoffed.
“That’s good, because I may have had to lock you in the house if you were thinking of that.” He grinned. “So, why not Morgan? I can see how much you love him; everyone can but you.”
“I do love him. He loves me so much, I can see it every time he looks at me, in his anger and pain. He has given everything to me and more, and all I’ve given him is pain, I’m just as bad as his ex, Jon. I don’t deserve someone like him.”
“That’s bullshit. You’re pushing him away. You deserve love just as much as anyone. You say you don’t want to hurt him anymore, then don’t. Let him in, commit to him. You both deserve it, but he doesn’t deserve for you to not even give him a chance.”
I listened to him but wasn’t sure I believed him. Wasn’t keeping Morgan away saving him from more pain? I continued eating.
“I can see you thinking. Please, for everyone else’s sake, let Morgan in. You need each other. Don’t give me all that you’re not good for him—that’s for him to decide, not you. Tell me you don’t want him, that you will stop loving him, and I’ll shut up.”
“I do love him,” I replied, sitting up on the recliner.
My mind raced, when had I fallen in love with him? How had I not realised how deep my feelings for him were?
“Say it again and use his name.” My brother grinned.
“I love Morgan,” I said, and it hit my square in the chest. I did love him; I had done for a long time. “I do. I do love Morgan. Thanks, Jon.”
“Anytime.” He smiled and lay back on the recliner.
But what if love isn’t enough?
The day had come when I was finally able to fly home. I didn’t feel up to it, but I needed to see Morgan. Kate told me he’d been released that morning, and they’d had taken home, but I needed to see him with my own eyes.
The flight, though it was a short one I’d done many times, seemed to take ten times longer this time. I wanted to go to Morgan’s straight away, but Jonathan had convinced me that both Morgan and I needed sleep, and so we told our driver to take me home.
Jonathan got me settled in bed. “Now, you have your phone and a bottle of water. Do you need anything else?”
He made sure I was tucked in tight. I hadn’t had someone tuck me in like that since I was a child, but I fought back the giggle. He had been so worried about me.
“No, I’m okay. Thanks for being there for me, and thanks for passing off Mum and Dad. I don’t think I could handle them right now.” I smiled up at him.
He’d called them to let them know what had happened and they had wanted to get on the first flight out of L.A to the UK, but Jonathan told them he wouldn’t leave my side, and that I needed rest. So, they had conceded to stay where they were.
“I’m always here for you, little sis. Now, get some sleep, and I’ll take you up to Kate’s tomorrow to see Morgan, okay?”
“You promise?” I squinted my eyes at him.
He laughed. “I promise, but only if you get some rest.”
Jonathan kissed my forehead, knocked off the light, and closed my bedroom door behind him. I was tired, and I would sleep now that I knew Morgan was going to be okay, but there was something I had to do first. I picked up my phone, and texted Lauren and Betty.
A: I’m home ladies, thank you for everything. I need to sleep but will call you both tomorrow x
Then I shot off a text to Kate.
A: I’m home, very tired, going to bed. Tell Morgan I hope he’s okay and will be up tomorrow to see him xx
I didn’t wait for them to reply. I made sure my phone was on silent, put it back on the dresser, snuggled back down, and let sleep take me. It was good to be back in my own bed.
I was lying on a cloud of candy floss, covered in cream, being licked all over and then fucked by Morgan, who was naked apart from a pair of white angel wings strapped to his back, when I was rudely awoken by loud knocking at the front door.
I heard heated words between Jonathan and someone else before my bedroom door burst open.
Morgan and Kate stood in the doorway. “I’m sorry, I had to see you,” he said. There was some slight bruising on his face and stitches in his head.
“I wanted to see you, too. I was so tired from the flight. Come in.” I patted the bed to indicate that he should sit down.
“Let’s leave them to talk,” Kate said to Jonathan, and they closed the door behind them.
Morgan sat on the edge of the bed stiffly, we both just stared at each other for a while.
“How are you feeling?” I asked softly, trying to keep my feelings at bay. I held my hand over my mouth to try to keep the sobs down.
“Battered and bruised, but better now I know you are home and safe.” Morgan took my hand and gave it a small squeeze. “I’m…” He took a long shaky breath, and I could see he was trying to hold in the emotion, too. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.”
He looked smaller than when I had saw him last. His body was turned in on itself. He let out a sob and buried his head in my chest.
“I’m sorry I lost our baby.” I burst into tears.
All the hurt, pain, and grief came to the forefront again now that he was here. My chest constricted and I found it hard to breathe. I clung tightly to him, needing to keep him close to me, sharing our pain.
He looked up at me and scooted closer. “You don’t have to apologise. That was not your fault, nobody could have stopped it, and you know that. I was so scared that I would lose you and I couldn’t be there with you.”
At that point we both broke down. He got up and slipped under the covers so he could hold me as we sobbed for our loss.
Our sobs subsided into weeping and our bodies began to relax into each other’s, each chest heaving in the aftermath. My whole body ached, and I felt exhausted. My eyes were dry and sore.
Morgan tilted his head slightly, gripping my hand and squeezing it. “I love you. I just want to be with you. I don’t care about marriage or more kids. I can’t lose you. Not again. Please, Andie.” His voice was choked with emotion and his eyes searched mine.
I struggled to find words. When I was at the hospital all I wanted was for him to be there and wrap his arms around me. When I learned that he’d been in an accident, all I wanted was to be able to fly home so I could be with him.
But I was damaged and broken; he did want more kids, no matter what he said, and I couldn’t give him that. I was just prolonging the hurt. On the plane home, I alternated between saying I loved him and wanting to keep him away.
“I don’t think we should.” I gave him a small smile, but my bottom lip quivered, and my eyes filled up.
“What? Please, Andie. I know you love me.” I just shook my head and sat up. “Talk to me, I need words. I need to know what you’re thinking.” Morgan shuffled to sit in front of me on top of the covers.
“I’m broken, Morg. I know you say now that you don’t want more kids, but in the future, you are going to change your mind.
” I held up a hand as he opened his mouth to talk.
I needed to finish what I wanted to say.
“You will eventually start to resent me. I can’t have you hating me, Morgan, I just can’t.
It’s better that we let it go now. You deserve better than me and what I can offer. ” My voice broke and I couldn’t go on.
“Do I get a say in this?” I shook my head no and looked down to the covers, watching the tears splash onto them.
“I think I do. You’re not broken. I knew what I was getting into when I started this.
I love you, Andie, do you not hear me when I say that?
You are everything to me. If we ever decide we wanted kids together then there are other ways.
Right now, I need you, I can’t do this without you. ”
He put his head into my hands on my lap and sobbed. His body shook, and I hated to see him like that, and the fact that I had caused it was killing me inside.
“Morgan, look at me,” I croaked.
I looked at his tear-stained face, and the pain that was in his eyes. I hated it and wanted to stop the pain. I wanted him to be happy. It was time I let my heart rule my head. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him; I said it over and over in my head as I stared into his eyes. I loved Morgan.
He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles softly.
“Please can we give it a go? Properly this time, no friends with benefits. I want to be out in public and be holding your hand, to be able to kiss you in front of our friends and family. I want you, all of you. My life is nothing without you, Andie.”
I drew circles on the shoulder of his t-shirt with the tips of my fingers. “Okay,” I replied. “We’ve been through so much and are still somehow linked to each other. Something or someone up there is telling us to give it a try.”
“So, that’s a yes? You and me together as a couple?” He was practically bouncing up and down on the bed.
“That’s a yes.” I leaned forward and kissed him.
“Fuck, you’ve made me so happy, baby.” He pulled me in and hugged me tightly. “We need to get you better.” He got out of bed. “Now, what can I get you? A drink? Something to read or eat?”
“No, nothing, thanks. Can you just lie with me whilst I try to get some rest? I’m so tired and want to be in your arms.”
His demeanour calmed. “Of course, baby. Let me just tell Mum and I’ll be right back.”
My eyes were already closing when I heard him leave the room. Just a few moments later he was back and slipping into bed beside me, moving me gently into his arms. I fell asleep with him telling me how much he loved me.