Chapter 4
I wake with a start about an hour later and roll over to check the time, six am.
Shit! I have to get out of here before he wakes.
I won’t be the one to feel used this time.
I’m the one with the power here, I’ll make sure of it.
A sliver of doubt creeps into my mind - he hasn’t given the impression that he’s using me for sex, just the opposite - he’s been nothing but sweet, attentive, and thoughtful, but I can’t risk it.
He’s not making me feel how I did last time, no way. That was the worst.
I’m lying on my back, he’s on his front next to me with his arm draped on my stomach.
Hmmm . . . which is my best strategy for getting out without waking him?
I gently lift his arm, which is heavy, and slowly roll out from under it.
I freeze as he shifts, but it’s only to put his arm above his head, then he settles back down, snoring lightly.
He looks adorable lying there, sleeping peacefully - young.
I don’t want to leave. What I want to do is snuggle with him and spend the day in bed.
It feels wrong leaving this way, but this is the best way.
I slide out of bed like a ninja. I have to get downstairs, as everything I need is downstairs - my underwear (what’s left of it), my dress, my bag, and my phone.
I tiptoe down each step as quietly as possible, my heart pounding in my chest, scared that I'm going to make a noise that’ll wake him.
I can’t believe I have to do the walk of shame to my house.
Hopefully, everyone will still be in bed at this time on a Sunday morning.
At least I only have to walk around the corner - it’s not fully light at this time of morning, and if I take my shoes off when I get near my house, I can slip in quietly so no neighbours will hear me.
I get dressed while keeping an ear out for any movement upstairs and let myself out of the front door, which thankfully has the key left in it.
I pull the door shut gently behind me and set off walking as fast as I can in heels.
When I get home, I jump in the shower and collapse into bed, thankful that Jess is only coming back mid-afternoon.
I plan to spend the rest of the time in bed, catching up on my sleep after a very energetic night.
I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow with a smile on my face and only a little niggling guilt about walking out on him the way I did.
I wake at noon, smug that I had such a good session last night, my body aching all over in a good way.
The events of last night keep replaying in my mind.
What a night. He is a pro in the sack, he knows exactly what he’s doing, and he has the tools to do it!
The feel of him on top of me, inside me, the sensation of his lips on my body.
His touch was tender. Now that I’ve sobered up, I wonder if I should have left this morning.
It was a panic reaction—a self-preservation thing — but I didn’t think it through, seeing as I have to see him every day at school and our girls spend time together.
Shit. I should have stayed and said goodbye.
I’m not twenty-three anymore. I didn’t exactly act like a grown-up.
My phone rings, I check the screen – it’s him! My stomach lurches. What should I do? By the time I’ve finished staring at it, wondering whether to answer it, it’s stopped ringing. There are two messages, one is from Karen.
Hope you know what you’re doing, K – speak to you tomorrow, be careful, night xx.
And one from Amanda.
Enjoy - he is yummy! P.S. Don’t forget the condom! xx
I bolt straight upright in bed. Bollocks!
I forgot about the condom, he must have too - he never mentioned contraception.
He doesn’t know I have the IUD fitted; he could have knocked me up for all he knows, plus how many women has he been with?
I could have caught something! If he didn’t use a condom with me, he mustn’t have it as a priority, he could have shagged half the female population of the town without a condom.
How could I have been so stupid? I let my body take over my brain. Idiot.
I decide to ring him back, it's better to get the awkwardness out of the way now so that it’s not awkward when I see him in the schoolyard tomorrow.
I dial his number, and he answers on the first ring. “Hi,” he says, sounding sombre.
“Hey, what’s up?” I ask.
“What’s up? Are you fucking kidding me? Where did you go?” he sounds angry, and if I’m not mistaken, a little hurt.
“I came home, Nate. It was getting late.” Or early, whichever way you look at it.
“Don’t give me that bullshit, and how did you get home?” Yes, definitely mad.
“I walked it, of course, it’s only around the corner - it took me two minutes.”
“You could have been attacked - out at that time in the morning dressed in last night’s clothes, that’s asking for trouble.”
Now he’s being ridiculous. “Don’t be stupid, it’s around the corner - I made it home in one piece.”
“Why did you leave?” he asks quietly.
“Come on, we had fun, didn’t we? I don’t see what the problem is.”
“Is that all this was to you? One night of sex?”
“Well, yeah, I would never expect anything more from you – I know what to expect, remember?”
“Is that what this was about? Because I did the same to you ten years ago? Fucking payback? I have my reasons for doing what I did, Kate - I was still a wanker for doing it - but I had my reasons.”
He sighs, and I can picture him running his hands through his hair on the other end of the phone. My stomach clenches.
“No, that’s not what it was about - I thought you wanted a night of sex. Let’s just leave it at that, huh?”
“What time is Jessica coming home? Can I come round to see you? We need to talk about this, face to face.”
What? No!
“That’s not a good idea. What’s there to talk about? I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”
“Fair enough, if that’s the way you feel - I’m sure as fuck not going to beg.” He sighs.
“Ok, Nathan, see you tomorrow.”
“Back to Nathan again, right.” He sounds pissed off, but what the hell did he expect?
“But think about this, Kate, how does your doing this make you any better than I was ten years ago, except I will admit I was an arsehole for doing that, but I've grown up in the last ten years - it would seem that you have not.”
I hear a click, he's hung up on me. Unease washes over me. Self-doubt, was he right? Does that make me worse than him? Maybe he wanted more than one night. Every woman, everywhere he goes, stops what they’re doing to stare at him - he’s that good looking – so what the hell does he want with me? He could have anybody.
I never asked him about the lack of condom situation. I text him.
We didn’t use a condom, I’m covered for contraception, and you don’t need to worry about catching anything from me. Do I need to worry? x
It’s a while before I get one back.
There have only ever been two women with who I haven’t used a condom, one is Lucia’s mum, and the other one is you – so you’re fine, you have nothing to worry about.
He’s used a condom with everyone else? What does that mean? At least that’s one less thing I need to worry about. That was stupid of me.
I phone Amanda and Karen and fill them in on the events.
Amanda is excited and tells me we’re going to live happily ever after.
Where did she get her optimism from? Life isn’t going her way right now.
She wants a baby and can't seem to get pregnant, despite that, she is always positive.
She's inspiring... maybe I should take a leaf out of her book more often.
Even Karen seemed to warm to him when I told her what he had said, but she agreed that I had done the right thing. Self-preservation and all that.
I eventually drag myself out of bed and make myself tidy the house and do a little cleaning before Jess comes home, but no matter how much I try, he's never far from my mind.