Chapter 5
When drunken me decided that embarking on a night of passion with Nate was a good idea, I forgot I was having Lucia for tea on Monday night. I didn’t time that very well, so whether I like it or not, I have to see him when he comes to collect her.
He’s not at school on Monday morning, Lucia’s grandma drops her off at school so he must have been at work (or now I know what his body is like under those clothes, he may have been at the gym!), all that time making sure my hair looked good was a waste of time - even though when I made an extra special effort at school this morning, I told myself it wasn’t for him… it wasn’t…honest…
I collect the girls from school and text Nathan to tell him to get Luce around seven.
When seven gets close, I go upstairs and titivate my hair and put a little bronzer on, I tell myself that I would do that for anyone coming round, but I'm lying to myself.
I have on dark blue skinny jeans and change my top for a fitted multi-coloured top that shows off my boobs. What am I playing at?
He’s right on time at seven, and when I open the front door and see him standing there, my heart skips a beat. He’s dressed in jogging bottoms and a long-sleeved t-shirt, quite fitted, but not over-the-top fitted - just the right amount.
“Hey, come in. They’re upstairs playing, I’ll give them a shout.”
He walks in, and I open my mouth to shout to the girls, “No, wait a minute, I want to talk to you.” I clamp my mouth shut. I decide to let him have his say so that this awkwardness between us will hopefully go away.
I sigh and nod towards the kitchen. “Ok, come on, I’ll make us a brew.” He follows me, and I ask him what he has.
“Tea with three sugars and plenty of milk for me.”
I spin around “Really? Three sugars?” Ew . . . that’s disgusting.
He gives me an embarrassed smile. “What? You know I’m a workman, right? It’s the law.”
Whatever . . . I would weigh about twenty stone if that were me; it’s not fair. I make his tea, and when it’s done, I shout to the girls that Lucia’s dad is here, but that they have fifteen more minutes.
I return to the kitchen, where Nathan is standing with his tea in hand, staring thoughtfully at the floor.
I bite the bullet. “I'm sorry I walked out on you Saturday night, you were right it must have seemed childish and immature from your side - but from my side, in my head, it was just one night - a mutual understanding - I've been there once, I know the drill, so I was saving us any embarrassment or awkwardness in the morning.”
“Let me take you out, Kate.” He pleads. “I should have made it clear on Saturday night, but I wanted you too damn much and I couldn’t think straight. It wasn’t a one-night thing for me, I want to take you out - see where this could lead - if we could be something.”
I shake my head. “Sorry, honey, but that’s not what I want.”
Did I just say that? I do want to go out with him, seeing him standing here in my kitchen, it scares me how much I want to go out with him, that’s why I won’t let myself go there - I won’t put myself in a position to be hurt because if I let him, he could definitely hurt me.
Since seeing him again after all this time, there’s nothing about him I don’t like.
He’s a great father who runs his own business – he seems to have grown up – he still knows his way around the bedroom, and I’m drawn to him, I can’t help it - and I find him on my mind more times than I’d like to admit, and it scares the hell out of me.
It’s best if I don’t go there - I don’t want to get hurt. Best to stay in my safe haven.
He stands from leaning on the counter. “I’m not accepting that you don’t feel anything for me at all, or aren’t in any way curious what you and I could become. What’s so bad about agreeing to one date?”
“I don’t want to date anyone right now.” I shrug.
He sighs and looks away. We stand like that for a while until he walks over to me, he stops when he gets a few inches away.
“Fine. But let me tell you this. I’m not going to give up until you agree to go on a date with me, until you give me a chance, because after Saturday night, experiencing you…
the feel of you, watching you come while I'm inside you, how fucking amazing you taste - there is no way I’m giving up on that without a fight.
I think you like me too, but you can’t see past what I did to you all those years ago.
You won’t even let me explain my reasons.
I’m not that same person now. You’re scared, I get why you're scared, but give me a chance to show you I’m different. ”
He has no idea how he made me feel that night.
I say quietly, “No one-before or after - has made me feel as bad as you did that night in the club. You know that I heard you, right?” He winces, I carry on “I’d liked you for weeks and weeks, it was bad enough that you didn’t say goodbye the morning after when you left, but I could deal with that – you warned me after all, I knew what I was getting into and that it was a casual thing, but to hear you talk about me to your friend like I was a piece of meat, when I had real feelings for you?
I’ve never felt so much like a slut ever, you made me feel the worst about myself.
So no, I can’t move past that because you will always be that person to me.
You may have changed, but that’s the only Nathan I’ll ever see.
The one that treated me as worthless in front of your friends and mine. ”
He puts down his barely touched drink. “I’m sorry you feel like that and even sorrier that you won’t give me a chance to explain because you're stopping yourself from trying something that could turn into something amazing.”
He shakes his head and walks past me to go to the bottom of the stairs, where he shouts Lucia. He doesn’t look at me again; he gets Lucia ready to leave. The girls say goodbye to each other, but Nathan leaves without saying goodbye to me. . . It hurts my heart a little.
Ok . . . a lot.