Swirling Signs #3
His reveal lasted only long enough for me to remain in control of my body and not let this day defeat me.
He squeezed my shoulder and dropped his hand.
I blinked as I faced the casket, sensing rather than knowing Finn, Caleb, Gage, and Seb had moved forward.
They were closing ranks, moving in to prove that they were there for me no matter how agonizing and difficult this day had become.
Sarah’s hand squeezed mine again, providing comfort amid so much internal chaos.
Not only was I having to say goodbye to my Noma, but watching her casket with dancing droplets of rain as if they blessed my grandma’s final resting place brought both comfort and a deeper ache because I felt her presence.
Not my Noma, though it did feel like her spirit was here, but the girl with green eyes.
I believed she was here, adding comfort in the only way possible.
The combination of it all added a weight I didn’t expect, and I stood on shaky legs, but my knees didn’t buckle as the casket lowered.
When the pastor said his final words and prayers, I forced myself to stay in place.
The urge to flee didn’t surface; only the need to survive.
To keep living each day because my Noma ordered it, but also because I knew I wasn’t alone.
Gage and his scars. Ethan’s burns. Finn, who had a pissed-off aura about him. Caleb, quiet yet studious. Seb’s stutter. Sarah holding my hand. They bestowed upon me a strength I didn’t expect. The courage to be a life warrior.
Noma knew. Somehow, she fucking knew what I needed… and maybe, just maybe, she provided it from Heaven.
The funeral was as life-shattering as could possibly be, yet I didn’t cry. No tears fell… and I didn’t want them. Even when the shimmer of the rain sent a rainbow into the sky as if to provide a promise of Noma’s endless love.
But one emotion did remain, one that I couldn’t control.
At her grave, I swore with all my might as I whispered, “When I go home, I’ll place you beside Grandpa.” A promise I had already made but now solidified.
Even though I would keep it well hidden, losing Noma caused my growing rage to blaze.
It fueled a vicious, ravenous thirst for vengeance that would only be quenched when I sent those responsible into Hell.
There was no judgment when we returned to the house. I went to the attic, alone, shutting the door for privacy. It felt wrong to settle in a place where my Noma wasn’t present, but I had to at least hide the money. Retrieving it from my backpack, I scanned the room. In plain sight.
Shrugging, I decided not to fix what wasn’t broken. I found a vent in the floor by the headboard of the bed and got to my knees. Lifting the metal cover, I stilled when hearing Sarah softly talking to someone. “That was so sad.”
“Yeah,” a voice I recognized as Caleb’s, replied. “Yet not one tear.”
I didn’t want to hear any more, so I tucked the money inside, then recovered the hole.
A sudden exhaustion prevented me from unpacking further.
The only movement my body wanted was a lazy crawl into bed so I could pass out.
Ignoring life for a while is what I craved most, my battered heart too weary to face the lonely ache with Noma gone.
However, as I’ve said, that isn’t how life rolls for Maddox Gentry. I woke in a sweat, a bunch of kids’ eyes staring at me. Sarah was holding my hand, telling them, “He’s awake.”
I blinked, trying to catch my breath. “What happened?”
Ethan’s blue eye stared at me. “Who is Styx?”
Air seized in my exasperated lungs. “No one.” I panicked. “Please don’t repeat that name.”
Gage’s head tilted for a mere second before turning to the others in the room. “No one mentions that name again. Got it?”
It wasn’t a threat, but his stern order made them all nod, casting glances at me as if understanding that some secrets are necessary for survival even if they didn’t have the reason.
“Thank you.” My heavy head sank back into the pillow. “Thank you.”
As my eyes slid shut, of their own exhausted accord, I heard Sarah say, “I got him. Go back to sleep.”
Footsteps made their way down the stairs, but a hand was still holding mine. “Sarah, why are you still here?”
She didn’t answer. Nor did she leave my side.
After a quiet moment, and my breath calming, she quietly asked, “I’m not saying the name but… is he who hurt you?”
These foster kids had all been betrayed by family members or caregivers. I couldn’t let anyone think that about Styx. I just couldn’t bear it. So, even though I was never to speak of him and create any links to me, I rolled to face Sarah.
She was on her knees right next to the bed, still holding my hand.
My other hand lay on hers, and I finally cried. I broke. Tears finally burst free of my impacted soul. In a sob, I whispered, “He saved my life.” My whole family, who loved me so dearly they gave their all for me, felt so close I couldn’t stop crying. “He saved my life, Sarah.”
Crying herself, she lay her head in front of mine, nodding.
“Don’t say his name,” I begged, raw as she would ever see me.
She kept nodding and whispering back, “I won’t Johnny. I won’t.”
1 ? “Something In The Heavens” — Lewis Capaldi