That One Moment

35. Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Five

Jamie

“ H ow’s uni going?” Mum asks, as she takes two mugs out of the cupboard and turns the kettle on. Caiden and his dad are out Christmas shopping, and Mum and I have spent the morning wrapping gifts and baking gingerbread - a tradition we’ve had since I was three.

“It’s good, full on but good. I’ll need to reapply with some companies for the work experience placement but Caiden's boss said he has some contacts for me.”

After my phone call to the university, shortly before the new term started, they got back to me and offered me a spot in their Architectural degree programme. Late access isn’t always available so I was lucky to be given the space. All of my credits were still valid from my previous years and transferring them to the university down the road from the flat was easy. The bonus is that, apart from being close by, all of my classes are done by noon which has made it easier to take on a part time job at a local cafe.

“I’m proud of you, Jay,” Mum says, adding a generous heap of cocoa powder into our mugs and then pouring on hot water, milk and finally topping with cream and crushed gingerbread. We take a seat in the lounge and chat while we sip on our drinks. She tells me about her book club and then about the New Year’s party our neighbours are hosting.

“Are you sure you boys can’t stay for New Year’s?” she asks, wiping hot chocolate from her lips.

“Yes, Mum. Darius is going to pop in and feed Ford for us over Christmas, but then he’s got his birthday party on New Year’s Eve. We’re not chancing the trains on the 31st so we’ll be off the day before. ”

“Is Caiden still not happy getting in a car?” she asks, both of us knowing the journey by car is far quicker than by train.

I sit forward and put my mug on the side table. “No. And I’m not pushing it. He’s been doing really well lately and his therapist agrees that it’s not something that needs to be rushed. If he never gets in a car again, then that’s fine. He’s happy, Mum. And so am I.”

Happy is an understatement to how I feel now that Caiden and I are officially together. Some mornings, I wake up before him and let my eyes map his body, from the curves of his hips to the line of his jaw, marvelling at how amazing it is to know that he’s mine. With a single touch he sets off an inferno inside me, making me shiver from the intensity of my need for him. It’s not purely a physical reaction but a deeply emotional one too.

I rub a hand through my hair, which has grown longer than I usually keep it, then scoot a little more forward on the sofa.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about something while we’re alone.” My stomach flutters and I fiddle with my hands in my lap.

“What’s on your mind, Jay?” Mum asks, leaning forward to mirror my position in her seat opposite me.

Wetting my lips, I say, “Do you think I've been wrong this whole time? That I'm some silly romantic believing everyone has only one true love?” If I’m honest, I think I stopped believing it myself a few months ago but for some reason, I need to know what she thinks. Even if this is a topic we’ve disagreed on in the past, my mum has always been the person I turn to for advice.

“Ah, I was wondering when we’d end up having this conversation,” she muses. “You know I've always believed our hearts are big enough to fall in love more than once. And I still don't know where you got that idea from, but you've stood by it for as long as I can remember. Even after your father and I divorced. You were so adamant when we split that Dad and I had not really been in love because being in love was a forever thing. You’d gotten so angry with me when I told you that that’s not how the heart works. But you were young and stubborn and you had this idea in your head and as you grew up, you held steady to that belief.”

Mum clears her throat and looks to the side and I follow her line of sight to a photo of Cooper hanging on the wall. My heart aches and I look away. “When you met Cooper, you told me he was the one. Your soulmate. I hoped you were right, I hoped he would be by your side forever, but when we lost him, it broke my heart thinking that you might never open yourself up again to the possibility of love.”

She moves to take a seat next to me, resting a hand on my leg. “I’d like to think that in all of this, we’ve both been wrong.”

Meeting her gaze, I say the words I’ve been too afraid to say. “I think I’m in love with Caiden, but I’m afraid.”

Mum’s hand on my leg gives a gentle squeeze. “What are you afraid of?”

“What if loving him means that I never really loved Cooper? It makes me sick to even consider that. And what if Caiden somehow slips through my fingers too? I’ll never survive.”

I’m certain what I felt for Cooper was love, but at the same time, the feelings I have for Caiden aren’t the same. They feel stronger, deeper, and they consume me in the best possible way. But they also have me questioning everything I’ve ever believed about love.

Mum sighs, “My sweet little prince, you've always had these fanciful ideas of romance, but life isn't a fairytale. You fall in love and if you're lucky, it lasts a lifetime and if it doesn't, you find it in you to fall in love again. And when you do, that doesn’t erase the people you loved before, if anything, it makes you appreciate the new love you have even more.”

My hands are restless in my lap, so she takes both of them in hers as she continues.

“You loved Cooper but that doesn't mean you can't fall in love again. I loved your dad and I love Duncan. I loved them both at different times and each in their own ways. Loving Caiden doesn’t cancel out the love you had for Cooper.”

Silent tears fall down my cheeks despite blinking rapidly to try to stop them.

“Love isn’t a finite, tangible thing that we give away once and then it’s gone. It’s infinite and renewable and available in abundance. And it is scary because we don’t know what’s around the corner, but you can’t let fear hold you back.”

Sitting in silence, I take in her words, letting them tumble around in my brain until they make sense for me and for how I feel. I’m not ashamed to admit that I was wrong - that my thinking was some fairytale I’d concocted in my own mind. What she’s saying makes sense, this feeling inside me is love. It was love for Cooper and it’s love for Caiden, only different.

“Jamie?” Mum’s voice is soft as she wipes the tears from my cheeks.

“I’m in love with Caiden,” I state with unwavering certainty.

She smiles broadly. “Do you want me to act surprised? I’m happy you’ve figured that out for yourself.”

“Thanks Mum, for your advice. I don’t want anyone to ever think I didn’t love Coop - because I did, very much. With Cooper, the feelings were soft and comfortable but with Caiden they’re wild and untamed, and fuck me, I really am a hopeless romantic sometimes aren’t I?”

Mum laughs before saying, “Maybe I’m not the one you should be telling this to?”

She’s right - I need to find the perfect time to tell him. I may have new views on love but I’m still a romantic at heart. The first time, needs to be special.

Just then, the front door opens and a few moments later, Caiden and Duncan walk into the lounge, both wearing red and white Santa hats. Caiden’s wearing a scowl with his which only makes me love him more.

“Why would anyone go shopping two days before Christmas? I hated that.” He points towards the door. “I was ready to leave by the time we finally found parking. I miss Cooper and his over the top love of all things Christmas, he’d never have left things till the last minute.” Caiden’s eyes widen and he looks from me to his dad and back again. It’s the first time I’ve heard him talk about his twin in such a casual manner. It’s like Cooper stopped being a ghost among us and instead lives on as a happy memory that doesn’t hurt so much to talk about.

“He was so organised,” Duncan says, sitting down on the sofa next to Mum. “One year, he told me he had all his shopping done by Halloween and then kept asking if we could put the tree up in November.”

Everyone laughs and this knot in my heart that’s been there since the accident unwinds. Caiden stands between my legs and I look up at him, feeling my lips twitch and my cheeks ache from how big I’m smiling.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hi. Missed you.” I pull him forward and nuzzle my face against his stomach. He’s wearing my hoodie again, and I love how soft the fabric is now and how much it smells just like him.

Caiden cards a hand through my hair. “Why do you have batter in your hair?” I lean back and he holds his finger out to me. I kiss the batter off and suck his finger into my mouth before releasing it with a pop.

“It’s our famous Durand Gingerbread. I’ll get you a piece.”

Caiden winces and looks at my mum, “Please tell me you didn’t leave him unattended in the kitchen?” Mum laughs, and the little shit in my arms joins her.

I hold him a little tighter, and even though I’m still scared I may not be able to keep him forever, I know every day I do get with him will be worth it.

A road winds around the outskirts of the forest, our car moving steadily through the darkness. I look to the side, catching Cooper’s bright smile. “It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay,” he says. His voice is calm and steady, laced with a surety that should be comforting but isn’t, because I don’t understand.

Confusion has me looking behind me to the empty backseat. What’s going to be okay? I don’t know, but it feels important, like I should know. My heart races when I turn back to the driver’s seat and he’s gone.

“Cooper!” I yell, but my words come out quiet and I grip my throat. Bright lights flash in front of me, and in the glow, I see him, inches from the front of the car.

“You’re both going to survive this. Take care of each other. Be happy.” There’s no fear or confusion on his face - only that sweet tip of his lips that I know so well.

The car lurches forward and Cooper dissolves into a flash of smoke. My chest aches but when I look in the rearview mirror and my eyes meet Caiden’s, the panic settles and the confusion subsides.

I understand now.

“We’re going to survive this. It’s all going to be okay,” I assure him and he nods, like maybe he understood all along.

My eyes shoot open, scanning the darkness around me. The dreams are coming less and less, in fact it’s been nearly a week since the last one, and even then, they’re not so clear anymore.

Caiden is fast asleep on his stomach, the blankets half off, giving me a glimpse of his naked body. He doesn’t stir as I settle closer to him, draping an arm over his back.

“I’m going to be by your side, for as long as you’ll let me,” I whisper. He shuffles onto his side so we’re face to face, but doesn’t wake up.

I lie there for what feels like hours, watching the twitch of his nose and the movement of his eyes behind his eyelids. When my gaze moves over his shoulder, I catch sight of a dark starry sky outside the window - neither of us having remembered to close the curtain. Not for the first time, I wonder if Cooper really is looking over us, and if he is, if he’s happy with what he sees.

I must have fallen asleep because it’s light outside when a hot, hard body against my back has me opening my eyes. Blinking them, I turn to my right and rest my cheek on the pillow. Caiden’s hot breath brushes my neck before I feel kisses from the top of my spine, down its length and to just above my ass. He works his way back up again until his lips meet my ear.

“Hmmm,” I groan. “This is a nice way to wake up.”

“It’s Christmas,” he says, his lips moving against the flesh of my neck. A full body shiver works its way through me, my muscles flexing with the action.

“I know, but it’s also still morning and I’m tired.” I yawn and close my eyes again. I’m not really, but he doesn’t need to know that yet.

There’s a lightness to Caiden’s voice, a playfulness mixed with hunger that has blood rushing south.

“Like super tired, or a little tired?” he asks while rubbing his hard length against me.

“I’m waking up more and more now. Keep doing that,” I grunt and bury my face in the pillow, loving the heaviness of his body. There’s a comfort to feeling him on top of me, pressing me into the mattress. Like a reminder that he’s really here.

He traces a finger down my spine, dipping it down between my crack and tapping at my hole. “Can I?” he asks. I’m already nodding when he clarifies, “Can I fuck you?” We’ve not done this before despite talking about it, but I want it, want him, in every and all the ways.

“You woke up very needy this morning,” I reply, my voice coming out raspy and heavy with sleep. To answer him, I pull my knees under me, opening myself for him. Caiden groans and the bed shifts. Moments later the lock on the door clicks and I hear the drawer open and close.

Caiden kneels behind me. “I’ve wanted this for so long,” he says as his lubed finger teases my hole before pushing past the first tight ring of muscle. It stings and I grit my teeth then bear down. He peppers kisses to my back as he works his finger in deeper.

“Fuck, yes,” I grunt as he adds a second and then a third, scissoring and twisting to get me ready. He works me open with great care, caressing and teasing me inside and out. My body heats and pleasure shimmers low in my stomach. “I’m ready,” I say, when I can’t take the teasing any longer. “I want you inside me, now.”

“Who’s the needy one now?” He chuckles as he shuffles behind me. I tense momentarily when the blunt head of his cock presses against my entrance. “Relax for me, Jay.” Blowing out a breath I hadn’t realised I was holding, I relax, sinking lower into the bed.

“Holy shit, you’re tight,” he bites out once he’s fully seated inside me, holding still to give me a chance to adjust. My channel clenches around him and he groans and then starts moving. Slow at first, but soon his movements speed up, and he thrusts in and out of me in a perfect rhythm.

Caiden’s hands find my shoulders, and he pulls me upwards so we’re both kneeling on the bed, his chest to my back. His lips settle over the pulse in my neck while his hand runs over my chest, through the coarse hair surrounding my hard cock. When he takes me in hand, I grunt and start mumbling a quiet ‘yes, yes, yes’.

“Fuck, you're sweet. Everything about you. Your taste, your smell, your touch,” he says, licking my skin and making me shiver. I moan at his words and at the feel of him all around me, touching me, kissing me, controlling me. My hips move of their own accord, fucking back onto his cock and then into the tight hold he has on my dick.

“That’s it. So hard for me, love.” He drops the endearment so subtly, as if it isn’t now sending my heart into a tailspin.

When my breathing turns laboured and my balls draw up tightly, I whimper and say, “I’m going to come.”

Caiden lets go and pulls out. This time the whimper that falls from my lips is louder and needier.

“Roll over, I want to see you,” he says, tapping my thigh.

I do as he asks, and the look on his face has me biting my lip. His eyes are dark, pupils wide, ringed by bright blue irises. His lips are red and damp, his tongue ring glinting as he licks them, and a blush runs from the tips of his ears over his cheeks and down his chest. His hair is disheveled, flopping over his forehead.

“You’re so fucking pretty,” I say as he flicks his head to clear the hair from his eyes and smiles as he slides back inside me.

“I never thought I’d get a chance to feel this,” he says, rocking into me. “This connection. I never thought someone would ever look at me or touch me the way you do. I never thought I deserved it.” He leans down and kisses me gently, our lovemaking slow and sensual.

We’re silent, our bodies doing all the talking.

You’re mine, my hands say, mapping the planes of his muscles and the dip and grooves of his ribs, leaving me intoxicated by the way his skin pebbles when I brush his sides, and the way he pulls all the way out and then sinks back into me.

I’m yours, his kisses say, dotting over my jaw and then down my neck. Lapping and laving at me like he really can’t get enough of my taste.

As his movements start to increase, Caiden sits up and leans back, his eyes scanning my body, his gaze like a physical touch as it comes to land on the place where we’re joined. “You’re incredible,” he says. He takes my cock in hand and strokes, jerking me in sure movements. When he changes angles and hits that sweet spot inside me, my muscles tense as pleasure engulfs me. Twisting his hand on my cock, he rocks into me, hitting that spot again and again and again until my body ignites.

My entrance clenches around him and I cry out as the first wave of ecstasy rushes through me. My eyes flutter closed and I arch my back, warmth hitting my lower stomach. Caiden growls, grabs my hips and thrusts once, twice then stills as he comes deep inside me.

When he flops down, covering my body with his, I instinctively wrap an arm around his sweaty back. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him I love him but I decided I wouldn’t do that here. I know he feels there's so much of Cooper in this house and while he’d never want that to change, I don’t want this to be where I tell him. No, when I tell him I love him, it’ll be in a moment that’s just ours and in a place that’s just ours.

“Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” I say instead. Caiden rolls off of me and onto his back. I maneuver myself so my head is on his chest. My hand traces the rose tattoo, following the vines down his body.

“Tell me about your tattoos.” I tiptoe my fingers across his stomach to the small paw print on his hip bone.

“The ones on my arms are really random. There’s no meaning to them,” Caiden replies. “The rose was added for no reason other than that I love them. They’re prickly but beautiful.”

“Like you,” I joke. He huffs and ruffles my hair.

“The stars, I added after Cooper died. I want to get more of them - maybe fill the gaps on my arms.” He points to his left hip. “The paw print is for Ford because for a while, he was all I had.”

“Besides the stars, do you want to add any more?” Caiden purses his lips before answering.

“A daisy.”

“That’s a cute choice,” I muse, lean over him and kiss each individual tattoo.

“Not because it’s cute but because it’s strong. Daisies can survive so much, and they can flourish in the hardest of circumstances.”

“Also like you,” I add.

“I don’t know. Maybe one day I’ll feel that way about myself. What about you?” he asks, lifting my arm so he can see the ring around my bicep. “Do you plan on getting any others?”

“I hadn’t given it much thought, to be honest. I did this on a very dark day. I don’t regret it, but I also didn’t feel it, I was too numb to notice.” He uses his free hand to trace the ring before it ends at Cooper’s name.

“He loved you, you know? That night, he asked me to tell you, he said, ‘tell Jamie always .’” My hand tightens where it’s lying on Caiden’s hip and he shuffles, bringing his nose to the dip in my clavicle. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” His voice is a low whisper.

My throat tightens on the swell of emotion his words bring out. “It’s okay, I knew-” I clear my throat. “I knew he loved me, he never let me doubt it.”

“I should have told you sooner,” Caiden whispers, his voice thick.

Kissing the top of his head, I say, “You’ve told me now.” My eyes sting and I blink up at the ceiling while Caiden’s lips press to the skin at my neck, bringing me a quiet comfort. I’ve tried not to think about Cooper’s last moments, content in knowing he wasn’t alone when he died, but there is something cathartic about knowing he was thinking of me. It’s like those few words heal a wound that night left on my soul, and I hug Caiden tighter for giving me this. I don’t think he knows just how much he gives me by being back in my life.

We’re silent for a while, both lost in our own thoughts before Caiden pushes me off of him and moves to stand up.

“We need to shower. We cannot go downstairs smelling like sex.” I grab his waist and haul him back onto the bed.

“But you smell like me. I like it.”

He pushes back, wrestling me onto the bed and pinning my arms above my head while laying his entire body over mine. “I like it too but I’d rather not hug our parents with cum drying on my stomach.” His blue eyes are bright. There’s happiness in them and it does something to my insides, lighting them up like fireworks. Caiden has breathed life and happiness back into me.

“Let me clean you,” I say, lifting my head to lick a stripe across his cheek. He grinds his pelvis against mine, making my cock twitch. Then in one swift move, he rolls off of me and hops off the bed, giving me a beautiful view of his pale, perfect ass.

Caiden looks at me over his shoulder. His black hair is a mess and I want nothing more than to run my hands through it and tug him back to me. “You coming?” He spins back around and saunters into my ensuite.

I can’t move fast enough.