38. Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Caiden
“ I wish this rain would quit for a minute,” Jamie says, his hand pressed to the closed window that looks out onto the road below our flat. It’s four days into the new year and the rain hasn't stopped since New Year’s Day. My boyfriend, who starts every morning with a run, doesn’t enjoy the activity in torrential rain, and so spends a lot of time complaining about it and pacing like a trapped lion.
Despite being early afternoon, the sky is dark, grey, and angry, and in the distance, thunder rumbles.
Stepping behind him, I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my chin on his shoulder. We watch the rain batter the window while a solitary figure darts out from one of the buildings opposite, taking cover under the bus shelter.
“Sucks to have to go out in this weather,” I muse. “Lucky for us, we don’t have anywhere to be for another few days.”
Jamie’s hands fold over mine, squeezing tightly. “Would you hate it if I abandoned you for an hour and went to the gym for a run?”
I shake my head and press my lips to the side of his neck. “Nope, I think it’s a great idea. I’m going to call D.”
“And when I get back….” He wiggles his ass suggestively, and I release his hands and slide one of mine down his side, bringing it around to grip his toned cheek.
“When you get back?” I ask playfully, still kneading his ass.
He spins around and lifts me, my legs wrapping instinctively around his waist as a laugh bubbles out of me. Jamie gives me something I’ve never had before - a love so strong I can feel it in my bones. My mind still tries to tell me some days that this isn’t real, that it’ll never last. But then he kisses me, or holds my hand, or simply brushes against me and my heart overrides my mind. Jamie loves me. He tells me and he shows me and I have no reason to doubt him.
As for me, I am so hopelessly in love with this man, my body sings with it. The crushing, drowning feeling that I’ve lived with for so long is still there when life becomes overwhelming, but I’m better now at dealing with it, relying less and less on the things that helped me in the past. Being in love is wonderful, highly fucking recommend. But, it doesn’t heal you automatically. It just means there’s someone in your corner with you. In the hospital last summer, I was sure I’d never feel happiness again, but I was wrong, and I’m so glad I was. Because this feeling, this weightlessness, this warmth, it’s everything to me. Jamie makes me happy. He makes me strong, though he keeps saying my strength is all me. He makes me want to wake up in the morning and kiss his silly face and smile until my face hurts.
He made me want things I didn’t think I deserved. He makes me believe I do.
Jamie carries me through to the kitchen and slides me onto the counter. I don’t unwrap my legs from around his waist as he bends his head and searches for my lips. When they meet, I open, allowing his tongue entry. He sweeps his in with a groan and I match his movements, both of us battling for dominance. After a while, Jamie releases his hold on me, his forehead pressing to mine.
“Movie and takeout when I get back?”
“So he was trying to set you up?” I ask Darius, who groans down the other end of the line.
“No lies, babe. The guy was greasier than a bag of fries and shadier than a spot under a huge oak tree. But his father is important to my father for some reason.”
“What did you do?” I kick my feet up onto the coffee table and stroke Ford’s back.
“I went on the date.”
“Fucking hell, D. What does Oliver think of all this?”
Darius is quiet for a second before answering. “He doesn’t get a say, we’re not dating. We’re hooking up.” He doesn’t sound convinced, but I don’t press the matter. Darius and relationships are always a contentious matter.
“Someone’s going to end up hurt,” I warn and he makes a noncommittal sound in agreement.
Just then, the front door opens and I end the call, then move from the sofa to the entryway where my soaking wet boyfriend stands, his hair sticking to his flushed face and his skin pebbling from the cold.
“It’s apocalyptic out there,” he says, shivering. Water drips onto the hardwood floors as he strips off his gym clothes and heads to the bathroom. I follow behind him, leaning against the wall while he climbs into the water, groaning as the heat warms his cold muscles. I watch as he lathers up his toned body, letting my eyes drift over every inch of his exposed, wet skin.
“You're not joining me in here?” he asks, making a show of cleaning around his soft cock.
“No, I showered while you were out, and food will be here really soon. I ordered from that new Italian place down the road.”
“Nice,” Jamie says before turning and lifting his face into the warm stream.
Thunder bursts and I look out the small bathroom window to see the rain is heavier now and the sky is dark and forlorn. “Do you have some change? I think whoever delivers to us in this weather deserves a big tip.”
Jamie pours shampoo into his hair and starts lathering it up, soapy suds rolling down his arms and shoulders.
“Yeah, try my wallet or my top drawer. I threw some coins in there last week.”
Jamie starts humming to himself before his beautiful voice fills the air, and I touch a fingertip to the smile on my face as I walk away.
In our room, I look in his wallet but come up empty, then dig around in his drawer. It’s full of random shit, old receipts, a book of stamps, an allen key and a few coins - not nearly enough for a decent tip. I keep digging, pushing aside odd socks and a photo album until a small silver tin about the size of a mobile phone catches my attention. When I lift it, it rattles and I pull off the lid to find a tenner, some coins and one other item that has my hands stalling and my pulse racing.
A ring. A silver - possibly platinum ring.
There’s a knock at the door and I react quickly, pocketing the ring and dashing to open the door, tipping the guy and taking our food from him as fast as possible.
Back in our room, I take the piece of jewellery out of my pocket, rolling it in my hand until my mind clicks.
It’s an engagement ring.
My knees turn to jelly, my heart skipping over itself at what this means. It feels soon, maybe too soon, but at the same time, it feels right. So fucking right.
Jamie wants to marry me.
My hands shake, excitement simmering low in my gut and I chance a quick look over my shoulder then slide the ring on, admiring the way it fits and looks against my slim finger. Pretending I don’t know what Jamie plans to ask is going to be hard, I only hope he does it soon.
The sound of the shower shutting off has me acting to take the ring off. In my haste, I fumble to get it off and manage to drop it, watching as it clatters to the floor.
“Shit,” I say, scooping it up and noticing as I do that it’s engraved on the inside.
When I lift it to the light and read the engraving, my heart stops. Air ceases to exist in my lungs and I swear the rumble of thunder that sounds through our flat is the sound of my soul breaking in two.
Jamie and Cooper. Forever and Always.
I read the words over and over, thinking there must be some mistake. Everything in me coils tight and screams at me that it’s not what it looks like.
But I know better than that. I know better because Jamie was never mine to have. Jamie was always Cooper’s.
Jamie and Cooper. Forever and Always.
The ring sits heavy in my hand. It could be a bullet for how badly it’s torn through me.
“I’m sorry I took so long in the shower. It took ages to warm me up. I’m not going out in that storm,” Jamie says.
I look up from the metal in my hand and meet his eyes. He frowns, a deep groove appearing along his forehead, then his eyes track down, and he pales when he sees what I’m holding.
“I can explain.” Jamie steps towards me. I take a step back and lift my free hand. My other closes into a fist, holding onto the blasted thing because I can’t let it go.
“You wanted to marry him?” My voice sounds small, weak, defeated.
Jamie swallows but nods. “I did.”
My body is cold and numb when I nod in reply. “I’m an idiot.”
“Hey, no, don’t say that.” Jamie comes closer and I don’t have the energy to push him away when he presses a hand under my chin and lifts my face. “I love you.”
“How can you know that, when you’re still holding on to him?” I lift the ring, holding it between two fingers.
“I forgot about it, I swear. I don’t even remember where I put it. I promise Caiden, I forgot. I’m not holding on to Cooper. He was my past, you are my future.”
His eyes are wet, matching my own. I refuse to cry though, so I swat away the wetness on my cheeks.
“I think you are, Jamie.”
He shakes his head muttering, “No, no, no,” over and over.
“One day you were planning to marry him and the next day he was gone. When did you say goodbye? Because I know you haven’t been to his grave - I heard your mum say that. I didn’t know why at the time, but I see it now.”
He’s quiet, his shoulders hunched and tears freely flowing.
“You couldn’t say goodbye. You held on to this and Cooper held on to your heart.” I shove the ring into his chest, letting it drop when I pull my hand away and push past him. “ I wanted your heart, Jamie. I wanted you to love me the way you loved him. No! Fuck it. I wanted you to love me more than you loved him.”
“I do,” Jamie cries. “I love you so much, in ways I never loved Cooper.”
“How can that be true?” I’m yelling now, breath puffing out of my lungs in painful gasps. “How can you love me when you never stopped loving him? I hated myself for wanting you, I felt like I was betraying him but you know what I realised, what you helped me see?” I don’t give him a chance to talk. “I realised that I deserve to have someone love me with every bit of them. I thought that was you.”
I bang my chest, then rub at the ache. “I deserve all of you. I deserve not to be your second choice.”
Hanging my head, I say the words that break me more than I imagined possible. “I can’t do this.”
“Caiden, no please.” Jamie’s in front of me in two steps, but I can’t look at him. “You have my whole heart, you do. Please believe me.”
I fucking knew this would happen. I knew how he felt about Cooper and I ignored it because I wanted him for myself. I’m selfish, and this is what happens to selfish people.
“No,” he says again. “Don’t do this. Don’t push me away. Please don’t do this.” His warm hands find my cheeks and he leans his forehead against mine. I close my eyes so I don’t have to look into his pleading eyes. “Please.”
“When I saw the ring, I knew I’d say yes.” I choke on the words. “Because I saw the rest of my life with you, but what if you were only ever made to love him?”
Jamie kisses my forehead and I lock away the feel of his lips on my skin in case I never feel it again.
“What if I was made to love you both? At different times and in different ways. What if everything we’ve done and been through since the day we met was to bring us to right here, to this moment where I love you more than anything and you love me in return?” He tries to lift my face again but I pull out of his hold, putting an ocean of distance between us.
“I dont….I don’t know. I need…I need some space to breathe.” I step away until my back hits the wall and I slide down it, then lace my fingers through my hair and bury my face against my knees.
“We’re not over. I refuse to let that happen. You were right about one thing, I never said goodbye, but not because I didn’t want to let go of him. I let go of Cooper the minute I knew I wanted you more than my next breath. The day my heart told me it was you, only you.”
Jamie’s footsteps retreat and there’s shuffling throughout the flat, but I don’t look up until he speaks again.
“But you’re right. This,” he holds up the ring, ”is a part of the past I held on to, even without realising it, and I’m going to fix that. We’re not ending, Caiden Carrington.” Jamie kneels in front of me. “Every breath and every heartbeat, remember?”
He kisses the top of my head, and that’s when I notice he has his shoes on.
“We’re not over,” he repeats. “I’m never letting you go. I’ll make this right, I promise.” Then he walks out of the room and out of the apartment, and I don’t move from my spot on the floor until I’m cold and shivering.
When I finally get my legs to move, a burst of energy masked as anger rockets through me. I rip Jamie’s bedside drawer out, emptying the contents around our room and onto our bed. Sad, disappointed, furious tears spill down my face as I kick at his things before turning to my own drawer and repeating the actions until I’m panting and gasping for air. My knees hit the ground when the anger finally subsides, giving way to exhaustion. The photo from my birthday catches my attention, and without picking it up, I trace a finger over Cooper’s face.
“I miss you, Coop.” My voice croaks. “I learned how to live without you.” I smile through the painful confession. “I think you would be proud of me. I’m sorry if I hurt you. But I’m not sorry I fell in love with him.” My voice drops to a wobbly whisper, “You loved him too, so I think you’d understand.” Cooper’s peaceful face looks back at me, and I lift the photo and cradle it to my chest then look around at the mess I created.
Too tired to put things back in order, I climb into bed, slide over to Jamie’s side and suck in his scent from the sheets, wondering what comes next for us. Or if there even is an us.