39. Chapter Thirty-Nine
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Jamie
T he rain doesn’t let up, making the driving conditions less than ideal. My windscreen wipers work at full power, but water still obscures my vision as I speed down the motorway. I know I should have waited till morning, until it was light out before leaving, but I needed to go, needed to make things right immediately. Seeing the defeated, heartbroken look on Caiden’s face was too much for me to bear. That I put it there stings like a wound covered in salt - the pain piercing and inescapable.
I wasn’t lying when I said I forgot about the ring. When I moved in with Caiden, I tossed my belongings from our parents’ place into a box and then into that drawer, not giving any of it a second thought. It’s no excuse though - I should have gotten rid of the ring a long time ago, the same way I should have said goodbye to Cooper before things got serious with Caiden. If I’m honest with myself, I should have let him go long before I even met Rachel.
Cooper was such a big, important part of my life that at first I couldn’t bring myself to even visit his grave, let alone throw the ring away. I don’t know when I stopped thinking about the future we lost, and the look on his face the last time I saw him, but I know I did, and I know it’s because of Caiden. Because he’s everything to me.
He’s my entire universe.
After driving for two hours, my eyes feel heavy and my body tired, the darkness and the persistent rain making the drive more tiresome than usual. I pull into the services, park my car, then make a dash to the entrance, shaking the water from my hair once I’m undercover. Ordering the largest coffee on the menu, I take a seat in one of the food court booths, lean my head against the wall and take large gulps of my drink, hoping the caffeine works fast.
There’s an older couple sitting at a small table opposite me. The lady, wearing a mint green jumper and a black scarf, tips her head at me and I return the gesture then stare blankly out the window, following the raindrops that draw patterns down the glass.
I’m startled out of my daze when a hand lands on my shoulder. I blink, then blink again and follow the length of arm until my eyes land on the same lady as before. She places a new cup of coffee in front of me.
“Sorry to disturb you, I thought you looked like you could do with another one.” She nods at the drink before adding, “Are you okay?”
Wrapping my hands around the warm cup, I put it to my lips and take a sip. It’s hot and milky, and the first sip burns my tongue, but I take another before putting it back on the table. The lady moves opposite me then slides into the booth.
I glance at her partner, who shrugs and returns to his own drink, then I meet her eyes. They’re a golden brown that reminds me of honey. Warm honey.
“I think so,” I say, a little confused by this stranger's interest in my life.
“Good, I’m glad. Something inside me told me I had to ask.” She taps at the spot over her heart. “Are you going home or somewhere else?” She gestures around the service station and I follow her hand, taking in the multitude of people passing through. Families in the food court, a few in line at the newsagents and a long queue at the fast food outlet. Everyone here is going somewhere, and I guess I’m one of them too.
I take another sip of the hot beverage. “I have to do something before I can go home.”
“Ah, I see,” she says.
I look down at my hands and the black hoodie I’m wearing, which Caiden bought me, before looking at her again.
“Bert and I have been married for fifty years today,” she continues, and I hide a grin behind my hand, bemused by the complete stranger sitting at the table with me. There are genuinely kind people in this world, and I think this lady, with her diamond earrings, fluffy mint jumper, and warm eyes are one of them.
“I met him when I was twenty-two and I loved him straight away.”
“Wow, fifty years is a long time to be with someone,” I say, taking a look at her husband. He’s not paying us any attention but his body is turned towards us as if magnetically drawn to his wife.
“I’d take fifty more if I could. But let me tell you, it’s not always easy. We’ve made our fair share of mistakes.” She tsks and shakes her head at her husband.
“I’ve not even been with my boyfriend for a year and I feel like I’ve made a thousand mistakes already,” I reply.
“You know, if someone asked me what the secret to being together for fifty years is, I’d say one word.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Yeah? And what is that?”
She smiles. “Love. There really is nothing more to it. There is nothing greater than the love we share and when mistakes happen, when it all goes to shit, one of us is always willing to fight for us. That’s the key. Forgiveness, apologies, promises - they’re all secondary. Important, yes, but secondary.”
She scoots out of the booth then taps my hand. “Do you love him?”
“More than anything.” There is absolutely no hesitation to my answer.
“Good. Go do that thing you need to do, then go home and make sure he knows. Now, it’s been lovely chatting to you but Bert and I best be getting on the road.”
Bert comes over and wraps his hand around his wife’s waist.
“Do you always give life advice to strangers in service stations?” I quip.
Bert chuckles, clearly amused, and kisses her cheek before he answers. “She does. All the time. Our children find it embarrassing, but it’s how we met all those years ago so I wouldn’t change her ways for a thing.”
“You drive safely,” his wife says before they wave and turn away.
“You too,” I shout to their backs, watching as they exit into the dark night, hand in hand.
With my coffees finished, I stand up from the table then take my phone out and message Caiden as I walk towards my car.
Me: I get that your instinct is to push me away but that’s not happening, okay? I love you. I love you. I love you. If you believe nothing else, believe that.
The message shows as delivered and read almost instantly and in the space of a few heartbeats, he’s replied.
Caiden: I believe you.
Tension bleeds from my shoulders, and I roll them then stretch my neck before climbing back into my car.
Caiden: Are you coming back?
My stomach twists reading those four words. Knowing full well the times his mother never returned, knowing his twin is gone for good and knowing that Caiden pushes people away out of fear, when he really needs them most. It’s ingrained in him to think people won’t come back for him.
Me: Nothing can keep me away from you. I have one thing to do and then I’m coming home and I’m never leaving you again.
Me: I love you.
I throw my phone into the glove box, not waiting for a reply, too desperate to get to my destination, do what needs to be done and get home to my man.
After arriving at Sage’s place late last night, I struggled to sleep, managing only a few hours before getting up and driving here. I sat in my car until the sun rose, and the groundskeeper opened the gates just after seven. Now, kneeling down in front of Cooper’s grave, I ignore the cold, wet soil that seeps into my jeans and run my fingers through the long grass at the base of his tombstone. Rain hits the ground in a slow drizzle and a cold wind brushes against my damp clothing, making me shiver. The sun tries valiantly to push through dark clouds, shrouding the cemetery in an eerie glow.
“Hey Coop,” I say, then look around as if waiting for him to reply but am met with silence. “I’m sorry it took me so long to come and see you. I didn’t handle it well when you died. Truth be told, I fell apart.” My throat tightens and my eyes sting but I continue, not wasting anymore time in saying what needs to be said. “I was angry, at you, at Caiden, at myself. I didn’t see a way forward without you.”
Taking a deep breath, I continue. “I loved you, Cooper. The moment I saw you, I knew it. I wanted….I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to marry you and wake up next to you every day. I had all these plans for us. Always and forever - that’s what we said. I never considered that we wouldn’t get forever, but then you were gone and just like that our future ended. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry my love wasn’t enough to keep you here, I wanted it to be. Oh God Cooper, I wanted it to be enough to save you.”
Tears fall and mix with the rain on my cheeks. I place one hand on the top of Cooper’s gravestone.
“I spent three years as this shell of a person - one I don’t think you would have liked. But then something unexpected but amazing happened. Or actually someone happened.” I wipe the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand. “Caiden came back into my life - I think it was right when we needed each other the most, and I fell in love with him. I’m in love with him. I can picture you laughing now, Coop, because of how the two of us behaved towards each other back then.” I chuckle through the tears, imagining Cooper’s infectious laugh.
“But it’s real, so real it scares me sometimes. Here's the thing, he doesn’t think I can love him, not fully. Not until I say goodbye to you. I know my feelings for you changed but Caiden thinks I’m holding on to our past, and he deserves someone to love him with every part of themselves and I want to give him that. I’m going to give him that.”
I move closer so that both my hands are on the flat top of his gravestone and then rest my head against the cold, wet marble.
“I saw the way you loved him, so I’m choosing to believe that you would be happy for us. I choose to look at the stars and know you’re smiling down at us, rooting for us.”
I sit back on my knees, my jeans completely soaked and my teeth chattering.
“You’d be so proud of him, Coop. He’s strong, and he’s brave, and he’s funny, and he has the biggest heart.” I’m crying, but my lips tip up at the same time. “He’s perfect and I’m going to love him the way he should be loved. I’ll love him for both of us and I’ll never let him feel alone.”
My fingers trace his name, his date of birth and the date of his death. Underneath I read the words, Forever Loved. Never Forgotten .
“I’m saying goodbye now. Goodbye to the future I once dreamed of for us. Goodbye to the love we shared.”
Digging in my pocket, I take out the ring, kiss it once, then place it on the top of his tombstone.
“You’ll always be my brother, my friend, and my first love. I’ll never forget you, Cooper. I hope wherever you are, that you’re at peace and happy.”
Standing, I clean my hands on my jeans and wipe the floppy, wet hair from my face, then I turn around and with one final look behind me, I walk back to my car.
The wind picks up, singing through the trees that run the length of the graveyard, like sentries watching over the dead before the air goes still and silent. If I believed in signs, I’d say it was Cooper’s way of telling me he’s happy for us. It makes me think of the last dream I had of him. Of the winding road, and the dark forest and the bright smile on his face as he told me that it’s all going to be okay.
It’s time to go home.
But first, there’s one other thing I want to do before I see Caiden again.