40. Chapter Forty
Chapter Forty
Caiden
T he fluorescent lights in the supermarket make the pain behind my eyes escalate and the cheery music floating out the speakers does nothing to improve my sour mood. I look down at my basket of groceries. Two frozen pizzas, a bottle of vodka and a bar of wholenut chocolate. After spending the day cleaning the house from top to bottom, trying to gain back some semblance of the control I lost last night, I left the house to get some air. Our flat is too quiet without Jamie in it. Without the clattering of pans as he tries to cook, and his singing and heavy footsteps. He’s been gone a day and I already hate the emptiness.
Jamie: I’ll be home soon.
That’s the last message I got from him over four hours ago. Four hours in which I’ve been stuck in this frustrating limbo between wanting him to leave me alone and being desperate to feel his arms around me.
He never said where he was going, but I have a pretty good idea, and the selfish part of me feels relieved. That doesn’t stop the guilt from creeping in. Without saying as much, I gave Jamie an ultimatum - me or the past. Me or Cooper. I know he loves me, but the ring was a blaring neon sign, reminding me that that I’m sharing Jamie with the ghost of our pasts.
I don’t want to share Jamie, not with anyone.
Doing one more lap of the junk food aisle, I add a sharing size tub of Haribo and a bag of crisps then make my way through the self-service till. With my head down and my hood pulled up, I leave the store. Outside, it’s as miserable as it was last night - angry clouds darken the sky, blocking out the moon and stars, while heavy raindrops fall to the concrete, flooding the sidewalks and turning the pavements into murky pools.
My feet move quickly to carry me home. I pass a group of teens taking shelter in the entryway to a pizza store, and an old man walking his dog, a large umbrella covering them both, and a couple laughing as they futilely try to avoid puddles. All of us step aside onto the grass verge as a bus drives past, spraying dirty water into our path.
By the time I’m outside my building, my black trainers have soaked through and my supposedly rainproof coat is heavy with moisture. As I reach the path that leads to the entry of my building, I look up and spot Jamie, heading towards our place from the opposite direction. One look at him and I step out of that limbo - I want him to hold me, not leave me alone. I hate being without him. Jamie stops when he sees me and despite the water clinging to my eyelashes disrupting my vision, I see the smile that creeps onto his face. He closes the space between us in a few long strides.
“You’re back,” I say.
With one hand, he pulls down my hood while the other slides over the back of my neck. He applies pressure, using his hold to move me until our lips tickle and our warm breaths mingle into a white cloud floating into the cold night air. Without saying a word, Jamie kisses me, his tongue demanding entrance into my mouth, which I allow, opening so he can swipe in and devour me. He tastes like coffee and rain and Jamie. My Jamie.
Thunder claps and I shiver - from cold, from emotion, from desire, and Jamie pulls back enough to meet my eyes.
“I need you to know something,” he says.
“Can it wait until we’re inside?” I ask, tipping my chin towards the entrance of the building. The one solitary streetlight lights up his eyes as he shakes his head.
“No. I should have told you this the moment I realised it. I’m not waiting a second longer.”
“Okay, go on.” With my free hand, I move his damp fringe off his forehead, tracing his small scar with the tip of one finger.
“I need you to know that Cooper was my world.”
I suck in a sharp breath, not having expected those words.
“He was all I saw, and I fell hard for him. But Caiden, that was nothing compared to how I feel about you.” He changes his stance, opening his legs wider before putting one hand over my heart and the other on my cheek.
“While he may have once been my world, you are my entire universe. You are the sun, and the moon, and every cosmic space between. You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and the greatest love I have ever known.”
I open my mouth - to say what, I’m not sure. My mind races with his words and all the things I want to say in reply, but Jamie continues before I can formulate a complete thought.
“We’ve made mistakes to get to this point and I know we’ll make a thousand more because we’re human, and life is messy and chaotic, and sometimes it downright sucks. But I will never stop fighting for us and for you.”
Thunder booms louder seconds before a sheet of lightning illuminates the sky.
“I love you,” I say. “Thank you for being stubborn and not letting me push you away, and for choosing me.” My insecurities sit so closely to the surface, but I’m working on them, believing more every day that I deserve the good things that happen to me.
Jamie tips his head to the side, then presses his cold lips to my chin. “Oh, sweetheart, there was no choice, there was only you,” he replies before taking my hand and pulling me inside.
When we reach our flat, I put the groceries on the kitchen counter, strip off my jacket then turn to Jamie. His skin is pale, his lips a little blue from the cold. I come around the counter and lift his hoodie off. He does the same to me before we help each other remove our wet jeans until we’re both in t-shirts and boxers.
I’m the first to close the tiny gap between us this time, wrapping my arms around his waist and hauling his hard body into mine. “Where did you go? I mean, I think I know but…”
“To say goodbye,” he interrupts, confirming what I’d guessed. “You were right, I needed to do it, to put that part of my life to rest. I only want to look forward now.”
My hands move from his waist up to his back before tracing lines over his shoulders and coming to land on his chest. He flinches and I drop my hands, raising an eyebrow in question.
“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
“No.” Jamie strips off his tee and my mouth falls open when I take in the new ink on his skin. “But this is a little tender.”
“When…what… I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. This is just one way I’m showing you that I’m all in, Caiden.”
“It’s beautiful.”
Tattooed over his heart and covered with a clear film, Jamie has my name, in black swirling font, coming out from the middle of a constellation of stars, like a burst of space dust and energy. The stars are inked in black and white, and a swirl of purple and deep blue wrap around the end of my name, like a whirlpool.
“It’s the universe. My universe - you.”
“It’s perfect,” I say. “How did you manage to get it done so quickly?”
He grins. “I found someone taking walk-ins and took it from there. I had an idea of what I wanted and the tattoo artist was incredible, she came up with this design.”
I wrap my arms around his shoulders. “You’re my universe too, you know?”
“Yeah?” His nose nuzzles the soft spot beneath my ear.
“Yeah. Maybe I should get a matching one.”
“Hmmm, I like the idea of my name on your skin.” He sucks the spot, then releases the skin with a pop. “My name on your chest, my marks on your neck.” Jamie's hand comes between us, smoothing over my rapidly growing cock. “My cum in your stomach.”
“Ugggh,” I make an unintelligible noise - something between a growl and a whimper - and heat travels from the tips of my ears and over my cheeks. “Yes, please.” I slide my leg between his and grind my cock against him.
“Fuck, you’re so pretty when you blush.” Jamie grabs my hips to halt my movements. “Before we get to that, is there anything else we need to talk about? If not, I’m taking you to bed and making love to you until the rain stops.”
Nodding, I say, “I can’t promise I won’t try to push you away when I get upset, but I promise to let you scale the walls I put up. I love you, Jamie.”
“You couldn’t put up a wall big enough to keep me out. You’re stuck with me now.”
“Promises, promises,” I joke. “Bedroom?”
Jamie spins me around and playfully pushes me down the short corridor, into our room and onto our bed.
He grabs a tube of lube then climbs over me, his heavy weight sinking me into the mattress.
“We need to be naked.” I claw at his boxers and he sits up and slides them off then helps me do the same before pulling my top over my head until we’re all hot skin against hot skin.
Jamie’s mouth finds mine, and we kiss until we’re both hard and moaning into each other’s mouths. He’s the first to pull away, rolling off of me and sitting with his back against the headboard.
“Come here,” he commands. Climbing over him, I straddle his waist and put a hand on each shoulder. “I want you to get yourself ready for me.” He holds up the lube and I give him my hand, letting him coat two fingers in the cool gel. Jamie’s hands grip my cheeks, pulling them apart for me.
His eyes are dark and he chews his bottom lip as I lean forward, bracing one hand on his chest, avoiding his tattoo, while bringing the other behind me and sliding one finger past the tight ring of muscle.
“That’s it, sunshine. You’re doing so good.”
Our eyes stay locked as I add a second finger, moving my hips and rubbing my hard cock against his stomach as I do.
“I’m ready,” I breathe, and he uses his hands on my ass to guide me onto his dick. He slides inside in one slow, torturous movement.
“Fuuuck.” He draws out the word, pulling me down until he’s fully seated. Then, his hands wrap around my back and grip my shoulders. There’s no space between us as he starts moving his hips, circling and lifting all while holding me tightly.
Our lips meet, and I close my eyes and sink into the feeling of him invading all my senses. Bolts of electricity sizzle in my limbs, pleasure building at the base of my spine as we kiss and move together in a slow, sensual song.
“I love you,” Jamie whispers against my lips. “I want to do this all night.” He moves leisurely, a gentle glide in and out of me until we’re both sweating and shaking with the need to tip over that edge.
When I don’t think I can take it anymore, when the pleasure is burning through me and one stroke is all I’ll need, I start begging. “Touch me, please. Your hand on my dick, please, please.”
“Shhh,” he says, still holding me in a tight grip. “I’ve got you.”
Jamie releases his hold on me, then rolls us so I’m under him. He stops moving and pulls out, making my hole clench at the emptiness as a whine slips past my lips.
He starts kissing my thighs and my hips and my belly, over my ribs and then down again.
“Jamie, please.” I’m not ashamed at how needy I sound, but no amount of begging works on him.
“Not yet,” he says, then presses his cock back inside me. Jamie spits in his hand, wraps it around my erection and strokes in time with his movements. With his other hand, he traces the patterns of my tattoos before his palm finds my neck and he applies a gentle, reassuring pressure.
My muscles tighten and my breathing grows ragged, everything in me coiled to explode. “Jamie.” His name is a plea, a promise, a question on my lips. “Jamie.”
When he stops moving and slides out of me again, I whine. “Don’t stop, please don’t stop.”
“Not yet, Caiden.” He leans over and peppers chaste kisses on my forehead, cheeks and chin before his cock nudges at my hole and he bottoms out again. “We have all night.”
I lose track of time as he continues in this way, sucking marks into my skin, praising me with sweet words and bringing me close to orgasm before chasing it away again and again. He’s learned my body and is playing it like an instrument until every nerve ending is sparking with sensation and my eyes are leaking a steady stream of salty tears.
When he rolls me onto my stomach, my arms stretched out in front of me, my legs flat on the bed, I whimper at the scratch of the sheets on my sensitive dick. He presses himself back inside and blankets me, entwining our fingers together on the pillow above my head.
“Come for me love,” he finally whispers, and I rut my hips against the sheets as he holds me down and pumps into me harder. When my ass clenches around him, he lets out a growl. “Good boy, so fucking good.”
I come, and it’s unlike any other time before. It’s like a million fireworks explode - white hot and powerful - stealing my breath and leaving me limp and sated. Jamie stills, his hands squeezing where they’re holding mine as he comes with my name on his lips.
“That was…fuck me…that was amazing,” he says, breathlessly, before positioning himself next to me, turning me so we’re nose to nose.
I’m sure there’s a goofy grin on my face when I say, “We’re some kind of amazing, Jay. Something good.”