Chapter 19
I WANT TO SKIN MYSELF
ELLIOT
Ifeel like a kid again. Despite the fact Cora has most of our shared teenage moments trapped in jars and hidden somewhere in her bedroom, I am certain this is how I felt back then.
I am a tangle of pride and giddiness, determined to make this dark cloud of a woman smile.
She’s done it precisely twice on our hours-long trek.
Once, when I reminded her there were four vampire attackers, not two. That smile only lasted a few seconds, but it was enough to energize me for the rest of the day.
The second was more unexpected. I’d been in the process of showing off my warded tent—to keep us from being eaten or attacked in our sleep—when it came out of nowhere.
I was tying one of the tent poles to a nearby tree, explaining how Henry had helped check the wards right after his shift at the healing center, and she just… smiled.
A full, broad-mouthed grin that caught me so off guard I stumbled. Literally tripped over flat ground and nearly took out our tent in the process.
“What was that smile for?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she’d been quick to say. “You just reminded me of you, that’s all.”
I wasn’t entirely sure I understood, but I didn’t care. Even now, three hours later, I still don’t. I’m just trying to do it again, one more time before we go to sleep.
Cora isn’t smiling. She’s busy setting up a haphazard wall between our sleeping mats. They’re thin but relatively comfortable. If I’d had more time, I would have magicked them to be luxurious and soft.
“I’m not going to cuddle you in your sleep.
I promise,” I say. I’m propped on my elbow, snacking on a collection of vegetables.
I didn’t have time to go shopping before our trip, so everything I have was pulled from my own kitchen.
Miscellaneous vegetables, half of a watermelon, some bread that’s likely stale.
Cora still hasn’t eaten. The bread is sitting next to her on her sleeping mat, but she’s focused on her fortress. Everything between us, I notice, comes from my own pack. Her bag, on the other hand, is tucked safely behind her.
“I’m not worried about cuddling,” she says.
Though she doesn’t look up, a pale blush softens her features.
She takes her lower lip between her teeth, eyebrows scrunching as she moves a bundle of my clothes to make her wall symmetrical.
The watermelon is mixed in with the spare blanket and the pack itself.
“No?” I ask. I trail my finger over the top of her fortress, tapping on a pair of bundled socks. The pillow I brought for her is also in the lineup. Apparently, she’s planning to go without.
“No, I kick in my sleep,” she says. She’s still blushing, still gnawing on her lower lip.
While she straightens her wall, I let myself admire her. Big brown eyes, straight nose, pouty lips and a wide smile she so rarely shows. I wonder if she knows how pretty she is.
“Well, I’m not worried about that,” I say. A grin stretches over my features as I stare up at the pale yellow tent. Outside, the final rays of sunlight are disappearing behind the mountains. Mountains we’ve just barely reached the base of. We have a lot more to go tomorrow, but I’m not sure I mind.
“Why are you smiling?” she asks, accusation thick in her voice.
I can see her from my peripheral, and her lower lip is puffy from where she was biting it. I force my eyes closed.
“It’s nothing. Just…you’re a violent criminal, fussing over kicking me in my sleep. It’s ironic, that’s all.”
Cora doesn’t respond.
When I crack an eye open, she’s disappeared from my line of sight. I instantly surge upright, looking around the darkened space.
“Relax, I’m not going to hurt you,” she says. She’s turned away, rummaging through her own bag. “Just because I could, doesn’t mean I will. But if you don’t feel—”
“I know you’re not,” I say quickly. My stomach drops as I watch her, shoulders hunched. That bag doesn’t have much in it. She can’t be looking for anything. She just doesn’t want to look at me.
The realization I’ve hurt her feelings flares through me. It’s stupid to care. Almost as stupid as sharing a tent with my best friend’s killer. I don’t dwell on the logic. I move by pure instinct, crawling over Cora’s fortress with little grace.
She only turns once I’m at her side, those wide eyes flashing up to mine. Defiant, hurt, angry.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“It’s fine, Elliot,” she says. Her eyes go back to her bag, but she doesn’t make a show of searching it.
“Look at me,” I say. Beg.
When she doesn’t, I curl my hand around the back of her neck. Not firmly, not even enough to make her turn.
Still, she does. Eyes wide, mouth parted.
She’s not afraid. No, she’s fucking leaning into my touch, looking up at me like she wants me to—
I don’t think. I just move, crashing my lips against hers and biting the same lip she’s been teasing all night. Our movements are thoughtless. Easy.
Without so much as breaking the kiss, she’s in my lap.
I pull her even closer, until our chests press together.
I slow the kiss, exploring, claiming, devouring her mouth.
There’s nothing but the sound of wind against our tent and her gasping breaths.
When I groan against her lips, her hips snap against mine.
Instinctual.
Familiar.
Perfect.
“Fuck,” I say against her mouth, the word a garbled mess.
Cora whimpers, and I’m absolutely done for. I pull her harder to me, until her hips align with mine, and her warm cunt grinds over my cock. I can’t remember the last time I felt this hard, this desperate for sex. Have I ever?
The want ricochets through my entire body. Any blood reserved for my brain has moved south, until I am nothing more than hers.
Hers to use, to enjoy, to devour.
And she, she is mine.
“Fuck, Cora,” I say. It’s a prayer, a plea, a promise.
I don’t recognize the sound I make next. It’s somewhere between a growl and a hum, and it’s filled with a vast hunger I didn’t realize existed until she fell back into my life. Until I felt the warmth of her skin and saw the things I once did to her…things she made me forget.
With my hand still on her neck, my thumb settled in the hollow of her throat, I kiss her deeper.
She tastes like green tea and winter wind and something so viscerally Cora that I’m sure there’s no proper name for it.
All I know is she’s the most exquisite thing I’ve ever tasted, even better than my memories promised.
I am ruined. Gone is any concern of right and wrong, of guilt or uncertainty. I don’t care who she is or what she’s done. In this moment, I only care to get closer. To taste this perfect woman, new and familiar, all at once.
Cora’s hands slide up my shoulders, cool fingers locking behind my neck, keeping me close. She’s trembling against me, honest-to-Mother shivering, nails digging into the back of my nape.
“Gods, Cora,” I say. The words are muffled against her lips, but I don’t move away as I continue. “How do you taste this good? You’re fucking unreal.”
I’m dizzy with lust. Arousal. Endless and overpowering need.
Cora doesn’t respond. She’s too busy kissing me, soft lips trailing from the corner of my mouth to my jawline, down the length of my throat. When she reaches my shoulder, she bites softly. Sucks the tender spot, just above my collarbone.
“Fuck,” I groan. My head swims, and the control I thought I’d already lost, disappears completely. “Hold on, I need…I have to…”
My cock strains against my pants. I could come from this alone, but I’m not ready for it to end. I want to feel her come on my hand. My tongue. My cock.
I slide a hand up her skirt, trailing up the thick tights until I reach her damp center. She’s fucking soaked for me. Ready. As desperate to be fucked as I am to fuck her.
“Can I—”
“Stop.”
Cold dread washes over me, and several things happen at once. I pull my hand from the warmth between her legs. I slide her off my lap, keeping a hand on her shoulder when she wavers. Her eyes are still dark with desire, her lips swollen and red. She’s breathing almost as hard as I am.
“We can,” she says. “I just need to tell—”
I shove backward, knocking over her carefully built wall. Reality crashes over me, over what I’ve just done.
Whether I kissed this woman when we were kids or not…that was before. Before she killed Harrison. Before she aided the vampires. Before she became a monster.
And I was moments away from fucking her in this tent.
I collapse on my side, and this time, it’s Cora who moves toward me.
“Stay there,” I say, and she freezes. I hold a hand up, as if she’s a threat.
Dammit. She is a threat.
“Elliot–”
“No,” I say. I’m horrified. Nauseated. Wishing I could undo every second that led to this moment. I knew better than this. Not just kissing her, but putting myself in this position. Having her close to me and smelling perfect and giving me those rare smiles…
Cora’s face falls. The same lip I just had between my teeth juts out, trembling, like she’s about to cry.
And I can’t take it. The warring emotions inside me.
The way I hate her for what she did. The way I hate myself for bringing that look to her face.
I want to skin myself for making her sad.
I want to skin myself for being anywhere near her.
“Please,” I say. I collapse forward, head against my knees. My breath is ragged as I look up at her. “Please, Cora. I can’t take it. I need them back. I need to understand. You…you’re destroying me.”
Tears stream down her cheeks, but I know what she’s going to say. She’ll give vague answers. Barter another deal. Tell me she will once she’s gotten Mama’s ingredient for the curse.
I’m expecting anything but the stiff nod she gives me.
“Okay, Elliot,” she whispers. Her entire body is shaking as she repeats, “Okay.”