Chapter 20
JUST THIS ONCE
CORA
Elliot sits on one side of my pathetic—and clearly ineffective—wall, and I sit on the other.
The memory stone rests between us, and I force myself to solely focus on it.
Elliot hasn’t spoken a word since I started readying it, lining the ingredients one by one.
The first of the two jars lies in my lap, still capped.
The memory lashes against the glass, and it’s how I imagine my pulse must look right now. My stomach is in my throat. My hands shake like they never have.
“I have a condition,” I say. I keep my attention steady on the memory stone, but I don’t miss the way Elliot stiffens.
In the back of my mind, I can’t help wondering if I knew this would happen.
If I knew from the moment I made that deal with Elliot, I’d give him everything back.
Maybe part of me has always felt rotten for what I did, and this was the inevitable end.
I would show Elliot everything I stole, and he would… what, exactly?
I close my eyes and force a deep breath.
“What’s the condition, Cora?” he asks. His voice sounds as stiff as his posture looks.
I keep my eyes closed.
“I’ll show you everything. Give you everything, even the memories back at my quarters,” I say. My voice wavers, growing shakier with each word. “Then, you decide. You can keep it, or give it back. If you give it back, we’ll never do this again. Okay?”
Elliot is quiet for so long, I have no choice but to open my eyes.
I stare down at the stone, at the carefully straight line of mermaid scales.
Beyond it, I can see the edge of Elliot’s knees.
Dirt stains his pants from when he was knelt on the ground, putting up our tent.
He props forward, tilting, as if to force himself into my line of vision.
I swallow and make myself look at him.
He’s still the single most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. The thought that even with distorted memories and the knowledge of my past, he still kissed me…it’s too much. Too much to believe.
He kissed me.
Despite everything, he still wants me. Maybe only physically, but maybe…
“Agree?” I ask, cutting off my wandering thoughts.
“That’s it?” he asks. “That’s your condition?”
“Yes,” I say. My voice cracks, so I steel my spine. I will not cower, not now. “You decide whether you want them, once and for all. It will be your choice. I’ll understand, whatever you decide.”
“All right,” he says, brows furrowed. “I agree.”
I nod in response. My throat is too tight to speak.
“Which one are we doing first?” he asks. His voice is raspy as he peers at the jar in my lap. The label is turned away, facing me.
I stare at the jar too. I’d planned to show him his final memory with me, the one that led to everything else, that led to the now, with him looking at me like I’m a stranger.
“Actually, neither of them,” I say. I twist slightly, shoving the jar into my bag. Elliot immediately starts to protest, but I cut him off. “I’ll show you them, I promise. But first…I need to show you one of mine.”
I look down at my palm and rub my fingers together. My magic pulses beneath my skin, zapping just beneath my fingernails.
“One of yours?” he repeats.
“Yes,” I say. Another nod. Another stubborn refusal to cower. I stare at Elliot. “It’s important. I promise.”
“All right,” he says finally, reluctantly.
With magic stinging my skin, I press my hand to my forehead, pulling the memory from my head. The pain is similar to extracting a tooth. The memory strains to hold its place in my brain, but I am nothing if not gifted at forgetting.
“What can I do?” Margot asks.
She sits beside me on the hard wooden bench outside of the headmaster’s office. Her hands rest on my knee. She just painted her nails yesterday, and I study the pale yellow polish, rather than meet her eyes.
“I didn’t do it,” I say. My voice wobbles, and before I can stop it, tears leak from my eyes. “I swear, Margot. I couldn’t have. I didn’t—”
“I know,” she says. She squeezes my knee, so hard it’s painful. “Look at me, Secora.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and do my best to blink away the lingering tears. When I finally meet her gaze, she leans closer.
“I know you didn’t,” she repeats. “I’m going to talk to Mama, and they’re going to figure this out, okay? We’ll get it taken care of.”
She means every word, but it’s a hollow promise. Mama Blake won’t be able to save me, not from this one.
“They’re going to send me back,” I choke out. “They’ll make me go back, and they’ll n-never reverse my sentence. They might even k-k-”
I break off. I can’t make myself say it out loud.
The tears fall again, and this time, there’s nothing I can do to stop them. I sit here and cry, while Margot helplessly rubs my back. She promises again and again that Mama Blake will help, until my sobs are too loud to talk over.
“Oh, Secora—” she starts.
“Elliot,” I interrupt. I’m mostly-incoherent now, but I know she’s heard me. “Get Elliot. Please.”
I know better than to ask for him. We’re not supposed to be friends, let alone close enough for me to beg for him.
Margot knows we’ve kissed, that we’re kind to one another.
She doesn’t know how many stolen moments we’ve shared.
She doesn’t know he’s told me his dreams or that he talks about having a family with me someday.
She doesn’t know how devastated he’ll be when they drag me away.
He’ll forget me. I know that. But right now, he’ll be devastated.
“Okay,” Margot says. She doesn’t sound confused like I expect. She only squeezes my knee again before standing. “I’ll find him.”
“Secora.”
I look up. I’m still on the bench outside of the headmaster’s office. I should have left with Margot to find Elliot, but I feel so tired. I’m not sure I’ll be able to walk home with either one of them. Mama Blake might need to come get me.
Ignoring the voice at the end of the hallway, I peer down at my wrists, checking they’re covered.
I’ve worn golden cuffs for most of my life.
They’ve kept me from producing magic, from being the killer the augurs swear I am.
One on each wrist, pronouncing me as unworthy of the Mother’s gifts.
I’d gotten used to the shame of wearing them.
But now, I have two additional pairs. Both silver. They’re made to weaken witches, to deplete their energy.
Not even the worst criminals wear golden and silver cuffs.
But when Gregg Larson caught fire during study session, Stephan insisted he heard me casting a Burnish Spell.
Within minutes, I was out of the classroom and in the headmasters’ office.
There, they’d fastened the two new pairs around my wrists.
“It’s just a precaution,” the headmaster said as I sobbed. She’d added, “It’s temporary, just until the council decides on next steps.”
But I know it’s the start of a death sentence.
The first set of bands make it impossible to cast magic. The second two are making it difficult to breathe. To blink. To keep myself upright. Whatever hesitation they’d had in killing me before, it’s clear they’ve lost it.
If I wear these long enough, they’ll kill me, and no one even cares. They’ve left me alone in this hallway, and I can’t help but wonder if they’re hoping I will die. If they’ll claim it was an accident to avoid the Mother’s wrath.
I look away from my wrists and finally acknowledge the boy standing beside me.
The Mother has a sense of humor, sending Harrison my way today. Both he and Elliot missed school today, but of course he’s here to witness this.
“Secora,” he says again.
I tuck my hands under my thighs, trying to hide the number of cuffs I now wear. Harrison’s attention flickers toward them anyway, and I stiffen. He already knows. Of course he knows. He’s probably the reason I’m here to begin with.
“I didn’t set Gregg on fire,” I tell him. I steel my voice and straighten my shoulders. I try to make myself look as big as possible, even as I sit cowering before him. My confidence is as thin as orphanage blankets, and I have no doubt he sees through it.
“I know you didn’t,” he says.
He isn’t smug. He doesn’t sound pleased or amused. Instead, he looks unexpectedly compassionate. It’s an expression I’ve seen on him plenty of times—just never directed at me.
“You know?” I repeat. My voice wavers, gives me away. I do my best to sharpen it again, but it’s useless. I sound exactly as desperate as I feel. “Then you need to tell the headmaster. If you know—”
“That’s why I’m here,” he interrupts. He shoves his hands into his pockets, eyes flicking away from me.
Right now, the school is dark and quiet.
Classes ended hours ago, and once the headmaster dismissed me, she left too.
It’s only me here, until Margot returns.
I shift on the bench, unpleasantly aware of my own helplessness.
I have rarely spent time alone with Harrison, and not one of those times has ended well for me.
I force myself to stand, stumbling from the effects of the cuffs. My stomach clenches with unfamiliar nausea.
Harrison doesn’t step forward like I expect. On any other day, he’d use his height to tower over me, to make me feel small and weak. Today, when I’m more powerless than ever, he keeps his distance.
“Why are you here?” I demand. I take an unsteady step backward, expecting him to mirror the movement. Instead, he doesn’t so much as flinch. His hands are still in his pockets. His face still looks soft and kind.
“Elliot sent me,” he says.
I don’t let myself react. Even as my heart pounds and my body stirs with unease, I don’t move. I don’t so much as blink out of rhythm, terrified I’ll give something away.
Elliot and I haven’t told anyone we’re together. I’m a Dark One. It’s forbidden. And even if Elliot doesn’t know his best friend torments me, he must realize Harrison wouldn’t take it well. He didn’t like Margot being around me. Elliot loving me would be an unacceptable level of betrayal.
“Look,” Harrison says. He finally removes a hand from his pocket, and I flinch, bracing myself.
His lips twitch into a frown at the movement.
“I know you and Elliot are hooking up, all right? He told me a couple days ago. When he heard what happened with Gregg, he sent me to get you. He’s stuck with Madam Lyrie. ”
I study his face.
Look for any sign of deception. Of lies. Of hatred.
“He told me to come get you,” he repeats. His expression is earnest in a way it’s never seemed before.
“And go where?” I ask finally.
“Well first, we’ll get the extra cuffs removed,” he says. “My mama is at the Augur House. She can remove them. I’ll take you there myself.”
I follow his gaze to my wrists, and despite the stirring in my gut, I decide to trust him, just this once.
I carefully extract myself from the memory, letting Elliot watch the ending by himself. I forced myself to retain this horrible moment, to harbor the anger and the hurt, to remind myself why I can never return to the Day Realm. Why I would never want to.
I ease out of the smoke, but I still know what Elliot sees:
Harrison leading me to the Augur House.
Me realizing the augurs aren’t there.
Harrison punishing me for corrupting his friend.
Me trying and failing to fight back.
Harrison trapping me against the desk in his mama’s office.
Harrison yanking off my leggings.
Me watching the office fish tank, praying someone would find me.
Harrison threatening to kill me if I ever talked to Elliot again.
Me crying, still face down on the desk.
Harrison leaving me with my underwear around my ankles.
Me walking home with a foreign pain between my legs and a hideous ache in my heart.