Chapter 31
Ben
I don’t know how much more of this I am going to be able to take. The closer the three of them get to each other, the weirder I feel. Charlie is beautiful. I’m attracted to her. But I don’t want to hurt her. I’ll curse her too and the guys will never forgive me. I’ll never forgive me.
I don’t deserve her anyways. She’s so smart, funny, and kind and I’m a broken mess. She thinks I'm her hero but if she knew what I did she would know that I'm really the bad guy. Bad guys don’t get happy endings.
“Bro, you missed out on the best part of the trip,” Andy teases from the backseat where he has an arm wrapped around Charlie.
I glance back and notice that Andy is completely relaxed, but Charlie looks odd.
Maybe ashamed? She shouldn’t. It’s insanely attractive to me that she knows what she wants and goes for it.
Even if what she wants is my dumbass brothers.
I can’t fault her for that either. I love these idiots. I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t.
“I saw plenty,” I retort, facing forwards again.
“Seeing and doing are two very different things dude. And one of them is a lot more fun, I assure you,” Andy counters.
“Yeah well, seeing Charlie was super-hot. Your pale, tattooed ass on the other hand was a real boner killer.”
Andy gasps dramatically. “My ass is not pale!”
“It’s whiter than the snow outside dude.”
Charlie laughs so hard she snorts and Andy grins down at her, poking her side. “Oh, you think that’s funny, do you?”
“He’s not wrong,” Charlie admits between the giggles. “It’s a cute ass though, if that makes you feel better.”
“Cute is not the word I would use,” I grumble.
“Yeah, well, maybe if you finally took Charlie on a date, she would tell you your ass is cute too.” Andy chuckles.
“Yeah Ben,” Charlie chimes in. “When is your cute ass going to take me out on a date?”
The truck goes silent. I’ve been good about keeping Charlie in the dark about my tragic past. And I know these guys wouldn’t tell her anything without talking to me first.
Max clears his throat. “Maybe you should just tell her dude.”
“No.”
“C’mon Ben,” Max urges.
“You fuckin’ tell her then.” I can feel my cheeks flushing, so I stare out the passenger window and refuse to look at any of them.
“Tell me what?” Charlie demands.
“Ben doesn’t really date,” Andy murmurs into her ear.
“Why?”
“It’s a long story Charlie. I still think it would be better if Ben told you, but basically Ben was in love with his high school sweetheart.
When she graduated college, they made plans to go camping and she was in a car accident on her way out to meet Ben.
She didn’t make it, and Ben has been punishing himself for it ever since.
” Max informs her, keeping his eyes on the road.
“It’s way more complicated than that,” I grumble at Max.
“Yeah well, why don’t you tell her the story then?” Max snipes back.
“No,” I say again, like a petulant child. I hate that I’m like this, but I never seem to be able to stop myself when Mara gets brought up.
I feel a soft touch on my shoulder. “Hey,” Charlie’s voice is gentle.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.
I’d like it if you did, because I want to know you better.
But you don’t have to, and I won’t force it.
” She gives my shoulder a reassuring squeeze before settling back into her seat.
“Sorry.” I am forever the mood killer.
“Don’t be,” Charlie murmurs from the back seat.
Thankfully, I’m saved from more awkward silence as we pull into the driveway at home. Max hasn’t even turned off the engine before I’m out of the truck and pulling stuff out of the back. I hear Charlie say something about making us all hot chocolate and watch her head into the house.
“You’re such a dick,” Andy snarls the moment the front door clicks closed.
“You say you’re cursed but I think the real curse is the fact that you’re punishing those around you by punishing yourself.
You know damn fucking well what happened wasn’t your fault.
Not with Mara and not with your mom either. ”
“Screw off dude.” I’m not in the mood for this.
“I’m not done,” Andy declares, getting in my face. “Charlie is a nice girl. She likes all of us. She wants all of us. You’re the hold out here over something she has nothing to do with. She deserves better than your hot and cold attitude. Either let her in or leave her alone.”
“And how am I supposed to leave her alone if she’s always around because of you guys?”
“Not my fucking problem dude. Yours. But between your two options one seems pretty lonely, and the other gives you a friend and probably some really good sex if you play your cards right. And we all know how long it’s been since you’ve had some of that.”
“Might help loosen you up a bit,” Max chimes in. Unhelpful bastard.
I let out a loud sigh. Deep down, I know they aren’t wrong.
But they just don’t get it. Neither of them has met the love of their lives yet, never mind losing them.
I want Charlie. I’ll admit that now. I want her so bad it physically fucking hurts.
She’s beautiful, smart, and funny. She reminds me so much of Mara, and that hurts too.
My conflicting feelings are a bundle of knots that press against my chest, suffocating me.
“Mara would want you to be happy man,” Andy mutters.
Andy and Max head towards the garage, arms full of the fishing supplies. I drop what I’m holding and make my way into the house, following Charlie’s trail in the snow. I find her standing at the kitchen counter, facing away from me and humming to herself.
“Hey,” I murmur, and she turns around to face me.
“Hey. You okay?” I don’t like how cautious she sounds.
I nod, not sure what I was planning to do now that I am actually face to face with her.
“Hot chocolate is almost ready,” she tells me, shifting uncomfortably. I hate that I made her feel that way.
I nod again, and step closer to her. She goes to turn around again, but I put my hand on her shoulder to stop her.
“Ben?” Charlie whispers. Her wide eyes bore into mine. The green flecks around her irises flash in the bright kitchen lights. Her plump lips sit in a pout as she observes me, concern marring her expression.
Fuck it.
I press my mouth to hers, gently at first. I feel Charlie startle for just a moment, but then she kisses me back, standing up on her tip toes to wrap her arms around my neck.
I put my hands on her waist and pull her closer to me, and she gasps lightly.
It feels so good, so right to finally give in to my desires.
Charlie becomes pliant under my hands, and I pick her up and set her down on the counter opposite us.
Now that she’s not straining to reach me, she snuggles in closer, and I deepen our kiss.
My brain screams at me to stop. I don’t deserve this.
I don’t deserve happiness. I’m bad. I’m worthless.
But for the first time in a long time, my heart sings louder, begging me to keep going.
I’m fighting with my brain to just let me have this moment when I hear the front door open.
I pull away from Charlie quickly, leaving her sitting on the counter, looking confused.
“Give me a half an hour,” I tell her quietly, “and I will take you to your place.” Then I turn around and leave the kitchen without another word.