Chapter 32
Charlie
What just happened? I lift my fingers up to my mouth, absently feeling my lips that are still puffy from Ben’s kiss. I’m so confused. Why is he taking me home? Why did he kiss me first? What did I do? Do I make him that uncomfortable?
I’m saved from my slough of wayward thoughts by Max and Andy entering the kitchen, both with warm smiles for me. They make their way over to me and each give me a kiss on my cheek at the same time, which makes me giggle.
“Well now that we’ve broken the three-way seal, we’re going to have to do that again,” Andy declares.
“The three-way seal?” I question and Max snorts.
“Yep. We’ve done it once and now we will have to do it again, preferably somewhere warmer and comfier,” Andy informs me.
“And often,” Max adds, winking at me.
“Yeah, this definitely adds a new dynamic to whatever we got going on here.” I gesture vaguely between the three of us.
Andy and Max high-five each other with huge grins on their faces. I hop down off the counter and finish making the hot chocolates. I’m still not sure what to do about Ben, or what his ‘taking me home’ means, but I know Max and Andy want me here. Ben is probably just as confused as I am.
I resolve to just ask him what the fuck is going on when we drive to my place. I set the mugs down in front of Max and Andy, who are now sitting at the table and chatting about what sounds more like an acrobatic stunt than group sex.
“Just a reminder that I am not a contortionist,” I say, sitting down with my own hot chocolate.
“You will be by the spring,” Andy jokes.
“I am so screwed.”
“That’s the idea,” Max teases, and I flush.
“You guys are crazy!”
“Crazy about you, maybe.” Andy tickles my side, and I playfully push him away.
I look back at the door Ben had vacated the kitchen from and sigh. “I just wish all three of you felt the same.”
Max frowns at me. “You’ll have to take my word for it gorgeous. Ben is into you. Him and his demons are the problem, not you.”
I nod but don’t say anything else. A part of me feels guilty for wanting Ben too.
Like I should just be happy and feel lucky that anyone wants me at all.
But my heart hurts for him and I feel this deep pull to make it better for him any way that I can.
It’s that pull that has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past, but I just know that it will be different with Ben.
“We’re gonna have to up our game if she’s still lusting after Ben dude,” Andy tells Max.
“Yes, we can make you forget all about butthead Ben gorgeous. Just you wait and see,” Max chuckles.
“Speak of the devil,” Andy murmurs as Ben re-enters the kitchen.
Ben ignores him and looks at me. His face is completely neutral. I have no idea what he’s thinking. “You ready to go?”
“Yep, one sec.” I take a long moment to hug and kiss both Max and Andy before following Ben out to the driveway. He already has the truck started and is sitting in the driver’s seat, staring forward while he waits for me.
He starts driving without saying anything.
I should probably wait for him to say something.
But I don’t do that. Instead, I blurt out: “Listen. I’m sorry we made you uncomfortable.
You and I don’t have to have any sort of relationship if you don’t want to.
But forcing me to go home just because of that is kind of fucked up.
You and I can just have a conversation and figure out where the boundaries are.
I’m sure Andy is probably going to try and push them but - “
“Charlie, it’s okay. I’m just taking you home to get some more clothes. I want you to stay,” Ben’s words stop mine in their tracks.
“Like stay, stay?” I ask, confused.
“I’m not really sure what that means. But I don’t trust this Chuck guy to not show up at your place and your mom’s place will be fine without you in it.
I want you to come stay with all of us until we can figure this situation out.
I thought you’d want to go home and grab more of your stuff though. ”
“Oh.” I really don’t know what to say.
“I like you, Charlie. A lot. You’re the first girl I have felt anything for in a long time and that has stirred up a lot of feelings that I’ve tried really hard to tamp down.
I can’t promise that it’s going to be easy, and I need to do this in my own time.
But you make my brothers really happy, and I want some of that happiness too, even if I don’t deserve it. ”
“You deserve happiness too Ben.” My words are firm, but gentle at the same time. I’m probably pushing my luck, but decide to ask, “Why do you think you’re cursed?”
“It’s a long, sad story firefly and I don’t want you to think less of me.”
“Impossible. I could never think less of my hero,” I retort, giving him a shy smile.
I notice Ben wince slightly at the word hero, but he sighs and starts to tell me the story:
“I didn’t have a very good childhood growing up.
My mom was great, but my dad could be a real hard ass.
He’s a mill worker and one of those types of men that would rather digest nails than talk about their feelings.
If I acted out, he would punish me and tell me that I was killing my mother with my shitty behaviour.
Mom used to protect me from that, but then she got sick, and she was spending more and more time at the hospital, and I was left home alone or with my dad more and more.
When we’d visit her at the hospital, my dad would tell me not to tell her about anything bad that happened.
So that I wouldn’t poison her further because I was so rotten. ”
Ben stops for a moment and grips the steering wheel harder. I take the opportunity to scooch myself closer to him on the truck bench and rest my hand on his leg. He sighs again, and continues:
“She died when I was eight and any love I thought my dad might have had for me disappeared the same day. I was nothing more than a burden to him and he never missed an opportunity to tell me so. He also told me that it was my fault my mom died. That I was a rotten, no-good child and that if I had just behaved better, she would still be here. I didn’t believe him at first, but life got worse and worse, and the root of the issue always seemed to be me.
My temper. My choices. My selfishness. My mom was so good and so pure.
She was the light of our family, and I snuffed it out. ”
“Oh Ben,” I murmur. He takes one hand off the steering wheel to grip mine.
“I was so lucky to have met Max and Andy. Life got better when I got to know them. Max used to invite me over for dinner whenever he knew my dad was working late and it got to a point where I was spending more time at Max’s house than my own.
My dad didn’t seem to notice or care, and I was just happy to have somewhere where I felt wanted.
Max always took the time to listen, and when I told him about my mom he helped me convince myself that it wasn’t my fault. ”
“Because it wasn’t,” I interject.
“And for a while I believed that. But then this one day in the tenth grade, we’re all standing by our lockers and there’s this guy who just won’t leave this eighth grade girl alone.
I tried to stay out of it, to ignore it, but then he had her pinned against the lockers and I just saw red.
I ended up beating the shit out of that guy and got suspended from school.
My dad was furious, and we got into a huge fight about it.
I ended up running away to Max’s house and his parents took me in officially.
I never went back home after that and have had very little contact with my dad ever since. ”
“Good.” What kind of monster treats his kid that way?
Ben lets out another breath, “So this is the part that Max gave you the limited version of. That girl I saved was Mara and she was the love of my life. At first, she was this annoying little twerp that would follow us around between classes and always wanted to be where ‘her hero’ was. We would try and hang out without her but then she would find some way to be where we were anyways, including getting rides from random creeps and putting herself in danger for no good reason. So Max, Andy, and I all agreed it was better to just let her hang out with us so that she didn’t get into trouble.
We were all really good friends for a couple years, then stupid freaking Andy tells me that he’s thinking of asking Mara out and it pissed me off.
Andy is a slut, and Mara was too precious to be sullied by him. ”
I snort at the Andy being a slut comment, but I think I know where this is going.
“Turns out he did that just to rile me up so I would stop denying that I loved Mara.
She told the guys about how much she was into me and apparently would never shut up about me so Andy decided to take matters into his own hands.
It worked though. I asked Mara out and we were inseparable after that.
We survived the two-year age gap and the awkwardness of her still being in high school while I was in college.
We even survived her parents' disapproval of her dating me.”
“How could her parents not like you?”
“I don’t really know. I know the age difference bothered them, even though it was only 2 freaking years.
Then I guess maybe my upbringing had something to do with it too.
Mara’s parents threw her a grad party when she was done high school, and I had this weird moment with her dad where he basically told me he thought I wasn’t good enough for her and he wished that I would just let her go,” he growls the last few words.
“Which you obviously didn’t,” I say, hoping Ben will continue.
“No, I didn’t. I left that party angry and when I told Mara what her dad said to me, she was mad at him too.
We moved into an apartment together shortly after that and I spent the next few years avoiding her parents at every opportunity.
She was so close with her parents and I know it was hard on her, but I already had so much rejection in my short life that I wasn’t willing to subject myself to it voluntarily.
Her parents threw a party for her graduating college too and Mara BEGGED me to go, but I refused.
We were going to a lake party afterwards so I compromised with her and told her that I would go early to get us a good spot for her tent, and she didn’t really like it but said it was fine.
” Ben squeezes my hand and takes a deep breath before he continues.
“I spent the whole night angry with her Charlie. I thought she blew me off because she was mad that I didn’t go to her grad party.
I remember thinking she was childish and deciding to race home the next morning to give her a piece of my mind.
I can still remember what my phone sounded like once I drove back into cell service.
It wouldn’t stop. Text after text and dozens of missed calls.
I finally pulled over to see what was going on and .
.. well you know what happened. She died annoyed with me because I couldn’t suck it up and go to a stupid party with her.
She died on her way out to me because I was the one who was being childish.
She died because of me, and my shitty behaviour cursed her just like it cursed my mom. ”
A tear rolls downs Ben’s cheek, and I try my best to hold back my own.
“After the funeral I decided I couldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t risk the life of another woman I loved just so I could be happy. I moved out of the apartment I shared with her and have been wallowing in my grief since then.”
“Ben ...” I start, but he squeezes my hand.
“I know what you’re going to say. Max and Andy have been preaching to me for years about how it’s not my fault. And somewhere deep in my fucked-up brain I know that. But another, larger part of my brain won’t let me truly believe it.”
“You love them so much that you’re willing to punish yourself for the rest of your life? I never met them, but I can’t imagine either of them would want that for you,” I say, squeezing his hand back.
“They deserved better than me,” Ben grumbles, releasing my hand to swipe away another rogue tear from his face.
“You don’t get to decide that.” I say matter-of-factly. “Your mom loved you with everything she had. Probably more than she had, because it sounds like she had to love you enough for two parents. And Mara CHOSE you. You’re saying she doesn’t deserve something she chose?”
Ben just grunts, so I roll my eyes and take a moment to wipe the tears away from them. “Thank you for telling me,” I say quietly.
“No ... thank you Charlie. You’ve been a beacon of light in my life from the moment you’ve stepped into it and it took meeting you to realize I deserve better than this listless existence that I have created for myself.”
“You talk like a book,” I blurt out stupidly and we both chuckle.
“Well, I am a teacher, darlin'. I’ve got the brains to go with the brawn,” Ben jokes and I snort a laugh.
I realize we have been talking for quite a while and are almost at my parents’ place.
It feels like a weight have been lifted from my chest now that Ben has opened up to me.
I feel so much closer to him and I really hope he feels more comfortable now because he’s told me.
I can tell that he still has a long way to go to accept his grief and stop blaming himself, but I can be patient for him. He’s worth it.
The relief I feel at finally knowing Ben’s story fades quickly as we reach my parent’s house. In the driveway is a familiar looking, way too fancy for this town, black SUV. Sitting on the front steps, looking furious as all hell, is Brad.