Jace
“Elodie St. John,” I repeat out loud after slamming Gordon’s car door shut.
“Could be worse, right?” he asks as he starts his car and begins to drive off. The tires crunch on the gravel, and I look around taking in the perfectly cultured landscape of my parents' luxury estate.
“I can’t date Elodie St. John,” I say, banging my head against the headrest. “We dated for like two seconds years ago when my mother insisted we go out and we had nothing in common. God, she’s so infuriating.”
“Elodie isn’t that bad. She’s hot as hell.”
“No, I mean my mother.”
“Oh, well yeah, that’s the understatement of the year.”
“I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t,” I admit, as everything in my body slouches with defeat.
“I submitted the petition to the court. I’ve been following up every few days. Last week they told me it was on the judge’s desk. I’m hoping they will schedule an appeal soon,” he says, placing his hand on my shoulder assuringly.
He peers over at me and the look behind his eyes is just as conquered as mine.
Gordon deals with so much. The long days, tight schedule, media craze, and worse my family, more specifically my mother.
I have no idea what I would do without him.
“You and Lennox…” He pauses and I wait anxiously to hear what he is going to ask. “Is there something happening there?”
I shake my head, but reply with a whisper, “I don’t know.”
His head moves up and down, taking it in. “Does he like you?”
I nod.
“Do you like him?”
He asks cautiously because I’ve never talked about relationships much. Men or women. As close as we are, it's never really been a forefront of any conversation because, well I haven’t cared to date or been interested enough in anyone. Ever.
I nod. Admitting for the first time that I might be gay. Bi, maybe. I’m not even sure. I’ve had sex with women. I didn’t see the big deal. Plus, they weren’t really interested in me, just my status.
I instantly feel exposed, wanting to take back my silent admission.
“I—I don’t know. I—”
He allows the silence to fill the space, giving me a moment to find my words.
“I’m confused.”
“It’s normal to feel that way. You’ve been a celebrity your entire life. Certain things are expected of you and you’re constantly striving to appease everyone except yourself. Your life, it’s never really been your own.”
I rest my head against the headrest again, looking up through the sunroof, watching the clouds pass by.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve always felt stuck, imprisoned in a life chosen for me and I’ve just accepted it for what it is. I’ve never felt such a need to escape and now that possibility is a carrot dangling in front of me, I want nothing more than to obtain it.
“Here’s the thing, Jace. You’re a natural people pleaser and you’ve had no choice but to comply.
This is how she’s trained you to be, in a means to manipulate you and the media.
But, you need to start thinking about what your life will look like once we get this appeal approved,” He turns to look me dead on, “because it will happen. I promise you. We just need to play with the cards we have right now. The judge assigned to review the petition, he’s good and fair, but he’s a bit old-fashioned.
I hate to say it but you should be cautious a little while longer, don’t do anything that the media can tear apart for now. ”
I grant him a close-lipped smile knowing how hard he fights for me.
“Finish filming, lay low and play this game for a little while longer. We’ll get you out from under the conservatorship.
Just focus on what changes you need to make for yourself when this is all over because if you think you're confused now…” He blows out a long breath.
“You’ll completely lose yourself after.”
He’s right. Gordon’s always, well most often, right. My focus needs to be on this conservatorship and getting the appeal approved, even though the idea of fighting for myself and the confrontation with my mother dreads me with anxiety, I know it’s something I need to do for me.
“You avoid confrontation and give in to other people's needs before your own because it’s easier and because you’re so goddamn nice. Just remember, nice gets you used, walked all over, and stepped on. Tell yourself, you are not nice. You’re a good person. There’s a difference.”
My niceness is a habit, programmed deep within myself because it always gave me this temporary approval from everyone and the image my mother so deeply craves. But, who am I without the facade?
“Be honest with yourself, set boundaries, and own your truth. You deserve that kind of freedom.”
Fuck.
Tears pool at the corner of my eyes and I slide on my sunglasses to cover it up. Gordon reads me like a book though and looks forward, changing the subject.
“I hook up with guys sometimes,” he states out loud, confidently.
I snap my neck in his direction, my mouth parts in shock.
“What? Don’t look at me like that.” He chuckles.
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” he repeats back.
I huff out a laugh. “So, you’re bisexual?”
He shrugs. “I do like both, but I’ve never thought to put a label on it. I don’t much like labels.”
“I don’t know what I am. I’ve never really considered it either.”
“Have you ever felt a sexual attraction toward anyone?”
I pause, building up the confidence of my confession.
“Just Lennox.”
“Do you think it’s because of how intimate you had to be during filming?”
“That’s a good question and normally, I think I’d say probably, but…it started way before that.” I side-eye him guiltily. “At Pierre’s cabin.”
He smothers a smile with a long, slow nod.
“Ah, I see. So, you weren’t really rehearsing?”
“Oh, shut up.”
“Fine, but only because I figured it out a long time ago. I just wanted to hear you admit it.”
I roll my eyes behind my dark lenses. “You’re lucky I like you.”