Chapter 32
Darlia
Sun glares through the window, down to the bed. Cayden is still asleep beside me, his soft snores filling the room. I lay there, watching his chest rise and fall for a moment. He really is beautiful. But I still haven’t forgiven him, not completely.
Cayden might not have known The Academy was coming to take me, but he knew them, he knew what they were capable of and what they can do. And still he left me in the dark, and even tried to stop Marcus from telling us.
Why wouldn’t he want us knowing? It makes no sense. It would’ve made me trust him more, understand him. If The Academy started with boys, why isn't he trying to stop them? Why is he just going to random galas and making a name for himself?
I can’t help but be mad. I trusted him with parts of myself I didn’t have to give. Not to mention he still has countless secrets I don’t know. I barely know anything about him, and despite Cayden saving my life, I still don’t know if I can trust him. Not completely.
Stepping out and walking into the guest bedroom, I make my way to Bella who is fast asleep in the only other bed in the apartment. Closing the door behind myself and getting into bed, I pull the blankets over my shoulders.
“D?” Bella groans, rolling over to face me.
“Yeah, it’s me,” I whisper, looking up at the ceiling. Bella sits up beside me, rubbing her eyes. Her hair is messy with sleep, and the shirt she slept in is wrinkled.
“Mad at him, huh?” she mumbles, a smirk pulling at her lips as Bella lays back down and looks at me.
“He didn’t tell me. How am I supposed to trust him after that?”
“Did you tell him who you were?”
Of course I didn’t. It’s The Academy’s number one rule: don’t reveal yourself. Why would I? I was trained for so long to believe everyone outside of the government was an enemy. I was protecting myself. But Cayden, Cayden was so young. He got out, he could’ve told me.
If I told you, you wouldn’t have believed me.
His words ring around in my mind endlessly. Would I have believed him? No, absolutely not. But he should have told me, anyway. I would rather be ignorant than completely unaware.
“He was a mess, you know? He spent every minute trying to find you.” I roll my eyes, resting my hands under my head.
“He was the reason I was there in the first place.”
“True, but without him, we would still be at The Academy killing people who likely didn’t deserve it.
You’re allowed to be angry, Darlia, but don’t let that make you forget he saved us.
When he found you in that room with Lauren, his every instinct was on saving you.
He threatened to kill a doctor’s entire family if you didn’t make it, it was really quite dramatic. ”
“You don’t understand, what they did…I don’t know if I can forgive him.” My voice breaks as I remember everything. The torture they put me through for weeks on end until I finally reached my breaking point.
“Then tell me.” Bella grabs my hand, squeezing it gently. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to talk about what happened there.
“I can’t.”
“Okay, but for what it’s worth, Cayden spent every second looking for you.”
The smell of something cooking fills the room, and we both sit up. It’s been a week since I woke up after Cayden carried me out of the re-education site, and every day since he has made sure to bring breakfast or make a big lunch if I sleep in, for both Bella and me, whenever he can.
Tonight Cayden has another gala, so he’s going out and won’t let me go with him. Another reason why I’m mad at him. He seems to be collecting those at the moment.
We make our way to the kitchen where Luke, Weston, and Caleb all sit on the couches, talking about something I don’t understand when Cayden places two plates on the table for me and Bella.
“Eat. You need your strength, love.”
I don’t argue. I may be mad, but whatever he just made smells amazing, and I still feel the hunger from the re-education site. Cayden said it was just phantom hunger and would go away with time, but he’s not really at the top of my list of most trustworthy friends right now.
Did he save my life? Sure. But he was also the reason it needed saving to begin with.
“Thanks.”
I sit down on the cool metal chair, picking up the knife and fork and cutting into the strips of meat on the plate. I look up at Bella, trying to understand what it is, but she’s too busy eating her food to notice.
Lifting a piece to my mouth and biting into it, I can’t hold back the moan that builds in my throat. It’s amazing, crispy and salty. Cayden laughs at me from the kitchen. I send him a glare, but it has no real malice.
“It’s bacon, love. And those are eggs, then those are hash browns. I brought them from home for you.”
“Where’s our bacon?” Weston asks with a pout, and Cayden throws a ration pack at him, earning groans from the boys.
“If I put on a brown hair wig, can I get bacon then?” Caleb asks, making me and Bella laugh while Cayden just looks annoyed. “I’m just saying, it seems like only the ones with long, brown hair get the bacon.”
“Fuck off, Caleb,” Cayden groans, placing a glass of juice in front of me. Cayden pauses, looking like he wants to reach out and touch me, but he doesn’t. Instead, he steps back and grabs a ration pack for himself before sitting down on the couches with the other boys.
“You’re killing him, Darlia.” Bella sighs.
“Shut up and eat your breakfast.”
There’s a moment of silence at the table before Bella speaks up again, her voice barely a whisper.
“He really does care about you, I saw it.” I know that, it’s obvious.
He wouldn’t make us breakfast and leave himself the gross ration packs if he didn’t care.
He wouldn’t have saved my life if he didn’t care, or brought me back here to the apartment, but he did anyway.
“There’s something I need you to do, and I need you to not tell anyone about it.”
?
“I can’t take this anymore. I’m so bored, I need something to do,” Weston groans, hanging off one side of the couch. Luke moves and shoves him off, sending Weston falling to the ground.
“Ow, what the fuck man? What was that for?”
“I gave you something to do. Falling face first onto the floor.” Caleb and Marcus hold back laughs while Bella rolls her eyes at them.
“Funny,” Weston grumbles, rolling his eyes and sitting back on the couch while the rest of us are sitting around the living room. I try to hold back the laugh but fail miserably, Bella following beside me as we watch them interact.
Watching the boys mess around is like watching the life I could’ve had, the friendships I could’ve made if I wasn’t taken to The Academy. It makes my chest ache with a loneliness I haven’t felt before.
“Oh, by the way. Cayden said there’s something in the room for you to keep you entertained.” Luke looks down at where I’m sitting on the floor, and I turn to Bella who’s running towards the room before me.
“Hey! It’s mine, whatever it is!”
“Nope, you’re mad at him, remember! You can’t accept gifts if you're mad!” she yells, running down the hallway as I struggle to keep up. I’m still recovering, and while I can walk okay, any fast movements are still a struggle.
Marcus is by my side instantly, one arm around my waist while the other grabs my arm.
Ever since Cayden told him to keep an eye on me when he’s gone, Marcus has almost become my shadow.
“I’m fine,” I huff, knowing I’m not.
“Lean on me,” Marcus says, ignoring me and pulling my arm around his neck while keeping his hand around my waist, steadying me. Every step to the room is excruciating. Despite the week of rest, most of my body still feels more broken than ever.
I watch as Bella continues to run to the room, not caring that I’m dying slowly as she slams the door closed, probably opening my present.
“Bella, don’t you dare!”
“Aww, he wrote a note!” I give up on limping and run the last few steps to the bedroom, almost falling over my shaky legs as I crash into the doorframe. By the time I make it into the room, I feel like I’m about to collapse and Bella immediately drops whatever it is to help me.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re stubborn, there’s a difference.” Working together, Bella leads us towards the bed, helping me to sit down before grabbing the pain medication Cayden left behind for me.
“Thanks,” I manage, taking the pills before grabbing the paper from the bed.
You’re cute when you’re mad, but I thought you would want this back. No one else has read it, I promise, the others don’t even know I saved this for you. Who you choose to share this with is up to you. I hope it makes you smile.
Yours always, Cayden.
The wrapped package lies on the bed on top of Cayden’s pillow, neatly wrapped in brown paper and a ribbon. Taking my time, carefully opening the package and leaving the paper on the bed, I almost drop it when shock runs through me.
Lauren’s diary.
Cayden went back to The Academy to get Lauren’s diary for me.
“Oh shit,” Bella whispers, sitting down beside me. But I can’t move, I’m frozen. Lauren’s diary. Lauren.
“I killed her,” I whisper, my voice breaking at the memory. I haven’t told anyone what happened, I haven’t been ready. I’m still not ready, but holding her diary, her memories, it’s too much. All too much.
I spent the last week avoiding this, running from the guilt that has seeped through every part of me. I didn’t want to face it.
“I know. But you didn’t have a choice.”
“How do you know that?” I’m barely holding back the tears threatening to escape, my hands trembling as they hold the journal. I am a monster, I killed Lauren.
Bella pulls my head down to her shoulder while rubbing her hand up and down my back, trying to comfort me.
“Because I know you, and I know you would’ve given your life for her.”
I break.
The tears start flowing freely down my cheeks as I sob into Bella’s shoulder, my body trembles with every gasp of breath I manage to get in, only to release another fresh round of tears.
“I killed her, I killed Lauren,” are the only words I manage to get out. I haven’t allowed myself to process this. There’s so much that needs to be done, and I just haven’t had the time.
“I know, you’re okay.” I want to scream I’m not okay. I haven’t been in a very long time. But I don’t.
My heart hurts, like I’ve been physically hit in the chest as the pain begins to consume me. I’ve never felt pain like this before. It’s nothing like the injuries from the re-education site. It’s worse, it’s a pain that can’t be fixed by medication or bandages.
Maybe Doctor Langdon was right. Maybe I am a killer. Maybe that’s all I’m good for.
Is anyone safe with me?
How long until I hurt Bella, or the others? I was the trial, the perfect outcome to the government academy, and I’m not sure I can be normal anymore. Even if we did manage to get out of here and try to live a normal life, I will always be the girl from The Academy.
Maybe everyone would be better off if I went back to The Academy and let them live their lives safe, in peace.
Safe from me, from who I am.
“You are trying to fight what you already know. You are a killer, a trained assassin from The Academy. You are a killer, and deep down you know you are. It’s why you killed Thomas.”
Doctor Langdon’s words play in my mind on repeat, but it’s not just Thomas. I’ve killed hundreds of people, Targets, their guards, their families, Lauren.
No one is safe as long as I’m here.
I don’t remember when the tears stopped, but eventually they subside. Bella never tries to move away, we just sit in silence as I stare at the blank concrete wall of the bedroom with my head on her shoulder.
“How’s she doing?” Cayden asks, walking into the room. I look up and see he’s still dressed for the gala. He’s dressed in a black dress shirt and black dress pants. He looks good, but I can't manage the words right now.
“Not well,” Bella whispers, placing her hand on top of my head.
Cayden kneels down in front of me, taking my hands and intertwining our hands, keeping his voice calm and soft. Everything I used to find comfort in.
“Talk to me, love, what’s going through your mind.”
“You need to send me back. No one is safe with me around. I’ll just hurt you all eventually.” Cayden’s hands grip mine tighter, not hurting, but keeping me here. Even if I wanted to run, I’m too weak, too tired. His voice becomes low, dangerous, in a way I’ve never heard it before.
“Over my dead fucking body are you ever going back there. You won’t hurt us, Darlia.
What you did to Lauren was life or death.
I don’t even know what happened, but I know that you’re not going anywhere.
You’re staying here with me, with us. I don’t care what I have to do to make that happen, even if I have to tie you to the bed.
You are human, love. The fact you’re feeling this grief proves you’re not the killer they say you are. ”
But I never used to care. I used to enjoy the thrill, the kill.
“I did enjoy it, though. If that part of me is still there, how long until I start to like it again?” I can’t even look at him as the words leave my lips. I know exactly what I’ll see and I can’t handle it right now.
But Cayden doesn’t try to talk me out of it, he doesn’t tell me that that part of me is gone, that I’m free. Instead he cups my face in his hands, pressing a gentle barely-there kiss to my lips like he’s afraid to hurt me.
“Stay for me. Please, Darlia.”
And for the second time today, I break.