Chapter 10 #2
I should say no. This is for the sake of winning him over, I’ve been telling myself.
There is a part of me that says if I let him do the same to me, it’ll mean sacrificing some of my power.
When I’ve had so little of it all my life, it’s hard to let go of now that I’ve had a taste.
But the way he’s speaking to me, soft and affectionate and eager to please, makes me feel guilty for feeling that way.
This isn’t a power game to him. It never was.
So after a moment, I take his hand and guide it down, under my pants, and then my underwear. He lets out a sigh the moment his fingers find me, automatically curling to find the heat between my thighs.
I’m already wet. Embarrassingly wet. I gasp at the touch of his fingers on sensitive skin, thighs clenching around him.
In response, he shoves one thick finger inside of me.
Rough in his excitement and lack of experience with humans.
I let out a strangled gasp, jolting, but the grip of his tentacles wraps around my waist and holds me in place.
His finger delves deeper into me, prodding roughly and almost clinically, exploring every inch of my internal walls, provoking an intense mixture of discomfort and pleasure.
I whimper. I can’t help it. And in a moment, his mouth is against my neck, sharp teeth pricking my skin. I freeze. One trembling hand lifts to his face and I try to push him away, but he’s too strong. Far too strong.
And too hungry. Instincts set off by the sound I just made, all too similar to terrified prey. His breath is fast and hot against my skin, his jaws clamped around my fragile neck.
He doesn’t back away. But he doesn’t bite down, either, though he’s trembling with the effort.
I take a deep breath, once and then twice, trying to calm my racing heart. I smooth a hand over his hair. “Shh, X. Calm.”
Gradually, his tight grip relaxes. And after a moment, he pulls away, releasing my neck and withdrawing his hand from between my legs.
“Calli…” he says, misery in his tone.
“It’s okay. I know you’re just hungry.” I swallow hard, reaching up to wipe saliva off my neck where his teeth nearly tore into my skin. That’s one way to kill my arousal, I suppose. “But we…we can’t do this while you’re hungry. I don’t think I can stay quiet.”
He growls under his breath. “These scientists. They take everything from me.”
At the reminder of the men who put me here, my stomach plummets. One of them might be here watching and listening right now. I tried not to be obvious, but I don’t know how much they can see or hear or guess.
I shut my eyes, swallowing thickly. I don’t know what I was thinking, except…
except that this might have been one of my last chances to show X a little bit of kindness and companionship.
I can’t bring myself to regret it—I could be gone tomorrow, one way or another—but I can’t quell the embarrassment that churns my stomach, either.
“You are distressed,” X says. A tentacle strokes my hair hesitantly. “Why?”
“Are the scientists behind the mirror right now?”
X pauses, as if concentrating. “There is one.”
I bite my lip, trying to think of a way to explain. “It…it shames me, for him to hear or see this. It’s a private moment.”
He hums his agreement. “It is the same with my kind. Private.” He considers for a few moments. “If I kill him, would this erase your shame?”
I bite the inside of my cheek, fighting a smile and failing. “It certainly wouldn’t hurt.”
He nods decisively. “Then I will kill him for you. I promise this.”
I should probably tell him that’s not necessary.
I should probably be scared that he even offers.
But right now, somehow, that only stokes the fire of hunger inside of me.
Suddenly uncaring if whoever is watching us can see, I turn around to face him.
I feel along his face until I find his mouth in the darkness, then lean closer and kiss him.
He’s frozen for a moment before his mouth nudges back against mine in a clear attempt to imitate me. I break away, laughing softly.
“Does your kind do this?” I ask. “Kiss?” I demonstrate again, pressing my lips to his cheek, and then his mouth again. It’s a little difficult, when his teeth are so sharp and so abundant.
“Kiss,” he repeats. “No. What does it mean?”
“It is a gesture of affection.”
“I see. No. We would rub tentacles, maybe, for a similar sign of affection.”
“I see.” I take one of his tentacles into my hand and rub gently. “Like this.”
He sighs happily. “Yes.”
We sit like that for a while before I excuse myself to wash off.
He grumbles about it, but finally his tentacles relinquish their grip.
I pad softly to the bathroom, again wondering who might be watching right now behind the glass.
Though I hesitate, I have no choice but to remove my pants and underwear to wash under the spout.
My time with X was a brief, blissful escape from the reality of the situation. But tears prick my eyes now as I think again of how helpless I am. Trapped, bare in front of the scientists’ eyes, humiliated.
X is my only comfort. I can no longer pretend that this is all an act.
But…is it real? Or is even that a product of my circumstances and my desperation?
Is it love or Stockholm syndrome or just a reaction to something in that damn scent of his?
My chest aches at the thought, uncertainty and shame making me feel cold all over as I think of what I just did with him in that pod. Are my own body and mind betraying me?
Even if my feelings are real, he almost ate me. He will eat me, with one wrong move. I’ve fallen for a monster that sees me as potential prey.
I’m startled by a sudden snarl from behind me. I whirl around to find X silhouetted in the doorway against the dim lights.
“Calli, he can see you,” he says, his voice an unhappy growl.
I almost laugh, but instead fresh tears spill, warm against my cheeks in the chilly room. God, it’s always so cold in here. I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to be warm. “What does it matter?”
His throat rumbles, low and unhappy. “It shames me. You know this.”
“It shames me too,” I snap. I take a breath, wiping my face, but the flow of tears won’t stop. “But it makes no difference. Don’t you understand? We’re going to die here.”
X is silent for a moment before he says, vehemently, “We will not. I will protect you.”
I spread my hands in a gesture of disbelief. “How?” I know it’s unkind, but the frustration has become too much to bear. I’m too upset, too angry at the unfairness of it all. “One of these days I’ll make a mistake and you’ll eat me—”
“No, Calli—”
“Or you’ll starve to death and leave me behind,” I continue, louder, speaking over his protests. “Or— Or they’ll just decide this whole experiment is a failure, and take me from you.”
X goes silent, even the distressed rumbling in his chest coming to an abrupt end. I’m breathing hard, but my own anger falters, suddenly uncertain in the face of his stillness.
“Experiment?” he repeats. “Calli is…experiment?”
I know I should reassure him, but I’m so tired. So goddamn tired. And it all feels pointless when death feels inevitable. “What did you think I was, X?”
He pauses, and then says, “A gift.”
“You thought I was a gift from the scientists?” I repeat, brow furrowing.
“I asked for you, and they gave you to me.”
I shut my eyes, willing away the steady stream of tears even as fresh pain throbs deep in my chest.
It’s sweet, in a way. But does it mean he only sees me as a thing to be owned?
I love him. Part of me assumed that’s what taujak meant to him, too. But maybe his first translation was correct. Maybe he’s only ever thought of me as something that’s his.
Maybe he only sees me as a thing, no different from the scientists.
Something to be traded and fought over and used.
That is how he spoke of the females of his own kind, now that I think about it.
I thought the story of him saving his sister was sweet, but perhaps it was only because he saw her as a possession.
“I’m not a gift, X,” I say when my voice is steady. “I’m a trap. I’m meant to test you. To hurt you. They were never going to let you keep me.”
X roars.
I’ve heard his rumbles and growls and snarls, but nothing like this. The sound booms in the tiny room, making me flinch back and instinctively cover my ears. My back hits the wall.
I expect him to pounce on me at any moment, his predatory instincts activated by my cowering.
But instead he whips around and storms into the main cell.
I hear a heavy thud, followed by a trickle of water; the plastic water jug, thrown against the glass.
Then the clang of an empty metal tray that once held food.
X shouts at the mirror, harsh and unintelligible, speaking too rapidly for me to make out any of the foreign words.