Chapter 22 - Brooks
“Amelia Emmerson was a loyal member of Snehvolk.
She worked hard and sacrificed her life to the service of the Howell family.
She didn't have children of her own, and her mate died many years ago,” I sigh as I stand at the podium in the pack hall and give my speech about the fallen pack member who died the night Laura attacked Rissa.
My nostrils flare as a puff of anger leaves my nose, and I continue the speech to the Council members and a few older werewolves who attend Amelia’s memorial.
It’s a small, contained gathering of those who knew the older woman, just so that we can bury the pieces of her that were found after the demon killed her near the river.
The poor woman’s death was gruesome, but what’s worse is that I’ve neglected to visit her since I’ve been busy dealing with everything that’s been going on.
The guilt of not making time for the old she-wolf who’d worked in our house growing up hangs heavy on my shoulders, a burden I’ll have to deal with on my own.
I didn’t even get a chance to tell her about Rissa. Now, I’ll have to sit beside her grave and speak to her while receiving no guidance from her.
Hanging my head with guilt, I commemorate Amelia’s life within the pack, how she selflessly spent her years taking care of our household right up until my mother died a few years ago.
The older woman practically raised me like her own until I relieved her of her duties, and she spent the rest of her days in her little cottage near the Turnagain River.
Her death was unfortunate, and she was at the wrong place at the wrong time when Laura attacked Rissa. It activated the trap that lured the demon toward Girdwood. I can’t burden my mate with how guilty I feel for not being there in the first place to protect her from Laura.
It would have prevented so much, even Amelia’s death.
Now I have to wrestle with both the guilt and the grief of losing someone so dear to me.
When I’m done with my speech and head to the table for the small feast prepared in honor of Amelia, my friends try to cheer me up, but nothing can bring my appetite back. I just need some time to process my grief.
That’s why I’ve been distancing myself from Rissa, and why I didn’t even tell her about the memorial tonight.
She doesn’t need the added weight of my emotions to affect her while she’s working hard to set up the traps for the demons.
It’s not fair to burden her with what I’m feeling, especially after everything she’s been put through by the pack.
“Want some bread?” Connor asks me as he pulls the basket over.
“Nah,” I murmur, toying with my food on the plate with a fork. My appetite is so dead that I’m chasing a single pea with the sharp tips of the fork the way Amelia would scold me for when I was still a child.
My absentmindedness is cut short when I hear Rissa’s name at the table behind ours.
“They said she attacked the old beta’s daughter with her magic,” a woman gasps. “It’s a dangerous thing to have a witch on the loose when she can't control her powers.”
A surge of anger forces me off my chair, hearing it crash to the floor behind me as I spin around and glare at the source of the words against Rissa.
“The old beta’s daughter should be the one controlling herself,” I snap at the older she-wolf who sits at the table. She might be one of Amelia’s friends, but she has no right to speak against Rissa.
Especially not in her absence, or my presence.
“You will not breathe a word against my mate,” I warn the woman with a pointed finger, my nostrils flaring with a new bout of anger. “The only reason Amelia is dead is because of Laura. And if anyone speaks a word against my mate, I will throw you in the dungeon with Laura. Don’t forget that!”
Furious now, I don’t wish to be around anyone who speaks ill of my mate, and I kick the chair away from me before storming out of the hall and catching my breath outside.
The night air is still warm from all the sun it received during the day, but it isn’t what I need right now.
What I do need is between the four walls of my house, and I march my way there, not looking back at the scene of tonight’s crime. There seems to be a lot of that happening recently, and I’ve never felt more alone in my life than I do now.
I only have myself to thank, since I’ve been blocking Rissa out. She doesn’t deserve that. She’s already been through so much.
As soon as I’m home, I shut the door behind me and tug on my tie to loosen it from my throat, wanting to relish in the sanctity of my four walls, but finding that something is still missing.
I’ve walked down this path of loss before when I lost both my parents, but what I felt back then pales in comparison to what I feel right now.
It’s only because I found my fated mate, and not having her around while I deal with this all by myself feels wrong.
I miss her.
Taking a deep breath, I call out to my mate.
“Rissa! Rissa, where are you?” The pain in my voice is evident, and spurs me into action as I go off in search of her.
But after looking everywhere in the house for her, I realize why the place feels so empty. She isn’t home yet. It means she’s still at the pack den, using her magic for good.
I don’t deserve her.
This pack doesn’t deserve her compassion when people still speak ill of her after everything she’s done to keep them safe. Shaking with the anger I feel because of all the mistreatment Rissa has had to face, I go off in search of her, knowing I’ll find her working overtime again.
“Rissa,” I call out when I near the pack den. The only light near the building is the one emitting from behind it—a distinct but dim green light.
She doesn’t respond, and I find her pooling her magic into the trapping device, focused on her task until all of her power is charged into the gadget. When the light flickers off, her shoulders slump with the exhaustion she must be feeling from working so hard.
“I thought I’d find you here.”
“Brooks!” Rissa gasps as she turns around, clutching a hand to her neck as if I’d startled her. She must still be reeling from what happened with Laura; that’s why she’s skittish now.
What’s worse is that I can see how hard she’s been working from the dark circles beneath her eyes. Even her face is sunken, as if she’s hardly been getting any rest or anything to eat.
“What are you doing to yourself?!” I suddenly exclaim, shaking my head in disbelief. Has she even taken a look at herself in a mirror lately?
This is not the Rissa I know.
“What am I doing to myself?” she snaps back, her brows knitting with her sudden irritation. “I’m doing what needs to be done.”
“You don’t have to do any of this!” I yell out in exasperation, taking a step forward when Rissa takes one back as if she’s suddenly become wary of me. Frowning, I stare at her harshly, taken aback by her reception. “Have you seen what you look like? I don’t understand why you’re doing this!”
“You don’t understand?” Rissa scoffs as she rolls her eyes and folds her arms across her chest. I notice the nail on her index finger is chipped, only further driving in the point that she’s been working too hard. “This needs to be done, Brooks.”
“You’ve done enough already!” I shout, hoping she’d just give up and go back home with me. It’s like she’s trying to prove herself by working harder, but she doesn’t need to.
But it’s as if my words come out too harsh and are misinterpreted when she frowns and unfolds her arms, her shoulders slouched forward as if in defeat.
“Yeah, I know I’ve done enough already. I’m the one who got that woman killed. It’s my fault,” she blurts, tears pooling in her eyes. “I get the message loud and clear.”
Shocked by what she just said, my frown deepens. “Are you crazy, Rissa? That’s not what I meant. You’re burning yourself out, and you need to slow down.”
“Yeah, I am crazy!” she retorts with bitter contempt on her tongue. “I was crazy enough to think that you were on my side. But of course, you don’t believe in me anymore.”
“Rissa! Will you stop this?” I exclaim, grabbing her wrist just as she attempts to walk away. To my surprise, she twists her arm and wriggles free from my grip.
“Leave me alone, Brooks!”
“What do you mean, I should leave you alone?!” I yell back as she turns to face me. “Where is all of this coming from?!”
“I don’t know,” she shrugs diffidently, her eyes glossing over with coldness. “Maybe you should ask Laura. You seem to care about her more.”
“Rissa! This has nothing to do with that woman!”
“Yeah?” Rissa scoffs. “That’s why you’ve been cold to me ever since she got hurt that night.
You care about her, and you’re just pretending to care about this mate bond to do what’s right in the eyes of everyone who’s watching you.
You don’t care about anything else but being the sub-alpha!
You’ve never changed, and you never will! ”
With her verbal lashing striking me in the heart, my jaw drops as I stare at her. My silence as I mull over her words gives her the chance to spin on her heel and march off.
This time, I don’t stop her, too stunned into place by shock as I watch her disappear beyond the pack den.
So, that’s what she thinks of me. She doesn’t believe I’ve changed or that what we share is special.
She thinks it’s all an act, while I’ve done nothing but defend her even when she wasn’t around.
My heart shatters as soon as she’s gone, her words stinging even now that she’s left me alone.
Wow…
And I’d thought that we shared something special, that she’d finally trusted me.
I was so wrong.
My hands curl into fists at my sides as I remind myself that this is exactly why I never allowed anyone in, and why I regarded the mate bond as a waste of my time in the first place.
I never should have allowed Rissa in if it meant I’d ever feel this much pain. As I swallow the lump that grows in my throat, I sniff to push aside the heartbreak, not wanting it to get the best of me.
No alpha should show weakness or crumble because of a she-wolf. I never let it happen before, and I definitely won’t allow it to consume me now.
Rissa has made up her mind about how she chooses to see me, and I’m done trying to prove myself to her. If I’m to remain an asshole in her eyes, then so be it.
I’m done.