Chapter 29 Caleb
CALEB
The last time I saw Evan was over a week ago. Despite not seeing each other often, I know when someone is purposely avoiding me. I saw him at the children’s home four days ago, and he barely greeted me with a smile; in place was a cautious expression that made my wolf howl in protest.
There was so much I wanted to say, but Sierra dragged me away to help elsewhere before I could. I mindlinked him that night. It went unanswered.
What changed between now and then? I thought it was a step forward.
All I wanted was to make sure the space we had was safe.
I head over to the district town again, even when Felix told me to stay at the pack and finish pieces that need attention, but this also needs my attention. I’m not just an Alpha; I’m a mate, too, and I refuse to be a shitty one.
The second my eyes snag on perfect curls and an oversized hoodie with a checkered jacket over the top, I feel my wolf settle. He doesn’t turn even though I see his shoulders tense.
“Wanna tell me why you’re ignoring me, pups?”
He stares at the wall, and I want nothing more than to see those beautiful blue eyes.
“I’m not ignoring you.”
“Funny,” I say as I stroll towards him, arms folded over my chest. “Because I think the definition of being ignored is when someone doesn’t want to talk to you. So, Evan, please enlighten me: Why don’t you want to talk to me?”
He exhales a long sigh.
“Did I hurt you?”
“No,” he says as he lowers his head to the floor.
“Then what? I need you to talk to me.”
“I can’t.”
My eyes follow the way his hands tighten, nails pressing into his palms. I flinch at the sight and lean forward, relieving his tension by pulling his fingers away.
Evan glances up at me, and I stare down at his face. Bloodshot eyes. Dark circles. Pale skin.
“You’ve not been sleeping,” I comment.
He snatches his hand away. “Leave it, Caleb.”
“I don’t want to leave it.”
“Why?”
“Because you are a priority to me.”
Evan’s mouth trembles. “It’ll destroy me.”
“You can trust me.”
He scowls harshly. “I don’t trust myself.”
I frown. “What do you mean by that?”
My eyes immediately sink to his wrists, and panic washes through me.
“Caleb—”
Before he can move his arm, I lean forward, grip his hand, and shove up the sleeve of his jacket. I stare down at his old scars, and to my relief, there are no new ones.
He snatches his hand back. “You can’t just do that.”
“When it involves your well-being? Yes, I can.”
Evan stares up at me through burning eyes. “That is not fair.”
“Wanting you to be alive isn’t fair?” My lungs constrict as I raise my voice a little too loudly.
“You aren’t going to want to know me when you find out,” he heaves.
I shake my head. “That is not true.”
“I’m not perfect, Caleb!”
“And you think I am?”
We stare at each other for a long moment. The loudness of our voices echoes around the empty walls.
“Don’t make me do this, Caleb,” he says with trembling lips.
“You’re worrying me, pups. Nothing you could say will push me away.”
Tears rest in his eyes, but they don’t fall. “You don’t know what I’m going to say.”
“I know whatever happened is tearing you to pieces.” I lower my voice. “You have guilt, and remorse, and that says a lot; it’s killing you because you’re a good person, Evan.”
He shakes his head adamantly. “No. I’m not–”
“Everything okay in here, boys?”
I glance over my shoulder at the owner of the children’s home, and Evan quickly wipes his face. “Yes, Sierra. A little too busy talking.”
Sierra chuckles. “Oh, no bother. Caleb, could I borrow you for a second?”
I force a smile and nod before glancing back at Evan, but he’s already turned away. My heart sinks low in my chest, and I shouldn’t dig, but I believe a problem shared is a problem halved.
Although I think Evan has other ideas.
I wasn’t surprised to find Evan gone after speaking with Sierra about the generosity of my pack in helping the district unite. I knew he’d run away from our conversation, but I’m not ready for it to be over yet.
When it reaches nightfall, and the pack has gone to bed, I head over to Jaxon’s pack house. I shouldn’t trespass, but I can’t risk them knowing Evan is my mate. Jaxon would understand if he found out, but I know how territorial and protective he is—like most Alphas are.
Before I left, I cast a spell with the help of the witches that protects my scent and presence from other wolves. It doesn’t work for long, but hopefully long enough to understand what’s going on with him.
I might be pushing it at this rate, but I’m not risking his safety anymore. He’s in a fragile state, and I fear isolation will make him spiral.
Flashbacks of my dream echo in my mind like shutter pictures. I close my eyes harshly to block out the blood and the tears. I never want to see Evan like that. Not if I can do anything to help.
I climb up the pillar beneath his window and hurl myself up onto the ledge. My head peeks through the glass to find a dimly lit room. I expected him to be asleep, but he’s not in his bed.
Instead, he’s kneeling on the hard wooden floor, facing the mirror with his head down. I stare for a while, trying to figure out what he’s doing. After a minute or so, he wipes at his face and then stands, brushing something off his knees.
They fall to the floor, bouncing in different directions. I narrow my eyes to get a better look. That’s when I realise they’re grains of rice. He’s been kneeling on grains of rice. A low growl of anger and failure creeps through me.
Without hesitation, I shove open the window and step into his bedroom. Evan whips around to face me at the sound, and he blinks in surprise.
“Wha—” he cuts himself off. “What are you doing here?”
I gesture to the mess on the floor. “What are you doing?”
“I asked a question first,” he sniffles, and it breaks me to see his eyes so red.
“I came to see you,” I murmur. “Now, answer mine.”
Evan’s cheeks redden. “Nothing.”
My chest tightens at his words. “That’s not nothing. You’re kneeling on rice, Evan. Tell me what’s going on.”
“You don’t get to show up and demand answers from me,” he heaves.
“Are you doing this to hurt yourself?”
He doesn’t respond.
“So, that’s a yes.”
“It’s not to hurt myself.”
“Then what?”
“It’s a punishment,” he rasps.
I blink at his words. “Punishment for what?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter,” I hiss. “Talk to me.”
Evan’s eyes blaze in my direction.
“You’ve been ignoring me since I touched you.” I lower my voice.
He presses a hand to his face and releases a sound from the back of his throat. All I hear is pain—festering pain that won’t go away because he’s been keeping whatever it is bottled up to the neck.
“Why?” I whisper.
Evan turns away from me and drags a hand through his hair.
“Just let it out, Evan.”
“Because I have no right to feel that sort of pleasure after what I did to them!”
I flinch at the rawness of his voice. He heaves out breaths, and I don’t interrupt.
“Because I’ve done some awful things in my life, Caleb,” he cries out. “I am a bad person.”
My brows dip. “No, you’re not.”
“I am,” he says through gritted teeth. “I am. I am.”
“Why do you think you’re a bad person?”
Evan chokes out a breath that sounds like he’s dying inside.
“I can’t see you like this,” I confess, my hands trembling at the way he’s deteriorating. “You’re suffering.”
“I let them suffer!”
“Who, Evan?”
He turns to me with tears streaming down his face. “Those girls,” he sobs. “All the girls my brother kidnapped, used, and killed. He took Ava, thinking she was his fated mate, and I watched for years as they did unspeakable things to her.”
I resist the urge to reach out to touch him because I’m registering it’s the last thing he needs when he has so much self-hatred inside him right now.
“When my parents died, Lucien distanced himself from our pack and wanted to create his own. Vile men who only wanted to make others suffer. I didn’t know what I was signing myself up for at first, but I was fourteen.
I had no other family,” he murmurs through endless tears.
“Once he started his own pack, that’s when they started abusing women for their sick pleasure. ”
“Pups…breathe for me,” I whisper as his lungs start working overtime.
His watery blue eyes find mine as he shakes his head. “H-he tried to make me do things to them,” he cries. “I protested and begged, but he still forced me, beat me, and taunted me, and I can’t—”
In the next moment, he heaves from how hard he’s sobbing.
“Hey, hey. Breathe, baby, breathe. I’m right here.”
“I can’t say it out loud.”
“You don’t have to. It’s okay.”
“I-I should have done more,” he sniffles. “I should have helped, but I was so scared.”
“You were a child, Evan.”
“That doesn’t mean anything!”
“Yes, it does. You were scared of your brother.”
Evan’s mouth quivers as he stares back at me. “I wish I did more. I wish I hadn’t done it.”
“Ava is here,” I say softly. “Ava is alive, and I know that’s because of you.”
He blinks at me once and then twice, remembering my conversation with Jaxon from a few months ago.
“You let her go, probably at the expense of your own life.”
“I wanted him to kill me,” Evan says through gritted teeth. “I wanted him to know what I did, and I wanted him to end it all. I deserved it. Letting Ava go doesn’t make me a good person after everything I did.”
My nostrils flare at his words, wanting nothing more than to bring Lucien back from the dead and kill him again myself.
“But you still survived.”
Evan shakes his head. “He beat me to an inch of my life and continued to force me to get involved. I dissociated then. I let them beat me, praying for death.”
“Did they…”
He lifts his eyes to mine. “Touch me?”
I nod.
“No, but if it meant those girls would still be alive, I wish it had been me instead.”
My throat feels like I’ve swallowed a thousand razor blades. “Don’t say that,” I rasp.
“I deserved everything—the beatings. The pain.” He clutches his hand over his chest, fisting the fabric tightly. “So I pray to the Moon Goddess for forgiveness. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane.”
My heart twists in agony at the tremor in his voice.
“That’s one of the reasons I hurt myself, because I want to feel as much pain as possible.”
My eyes burn as I watch him. “What are the other reasons?”
Evan’s nose wrinkles as he inhales a breath. “To remind myself that my dreams aren’t real. If I feel the pain, I know I’m awake, and I can breathe again.”
Every inch of me begins to ache. My ears ring so loud that I fear my drums will burst. He’s been carrying around his deep-rooted trauma with him and putting on a brave face when inside he’s not even here.
“Your brother was a manipulative, controlling asshole who put you in an impossible situation. Your actions were out of fear. But you aren’t like them. You never purposely hurt those girls, you tried to help them,” I say carefully as I take a step forward. “And Ava is here because of you.”
Evan’s head shakes. “It’s not enough. I don’t deserve to be here.”
“You are a survivor, too, Evan,” I say with sincerity.
“I hate him,” he seethes. “I hate that he did this, and then I fear I’m just as bad as him. Even if I try to convince myself otherwise. I could have done more; I shouldn’t have cowered in fear.”
The second he breaks down again, I step forward and wrap him up in my arms.
“You are nothing like your brother, or that pack. You are not some psychopath; you have empathy and guilt, and your pain is so visible. Being him is your biggest fear, and that’s why you’ll be nothing like him.”
I know what that feels like.
“I will always hate myself for it,” he hiccups into my chest.
I cradle the back of his head with my hand and close my eyes. “Then we will work on it. Together. This hasn’t changed my perspective on you whatsoever. Nothing you say could push me away. I understand more than you realise.”
Evan’s hands fist the back of my shirt. “Do you really mean that?”
“I swear,” I whisper as I press my lips to the crown of his head. “We’re gonna work on it. All of it.”
And despite wondering what the Moon Goddess thought when she matched us together, I’m starting to think maybe she thought we could heal each other's wounds.
Fill in the pieces together because we’re both still trying to navigate our way through life, without the shadow of our greatest enemies hovering over us.