Chapter 30 Evan
EVAN
My shoulders might feel lighter from voicing my trauma, but my heart is still breaking. Speaking the truth will never make what I did better, and I can’t help but think I deserve this pain.
Caleb pulls away from our embrace. I don’t remember how long he held me for, but I didn’t know how much I needed a hug. He cradles my face and pushes away a few rogue tears.
“Can you stay?” I croak.
He nods. “I wasn’t going to leave.”
“Okay.”
We stay like this for a moment before he guides me towards my bed, and wraps me up in his arms once more. It’s an alien feeling because a sense of safety has never been anything I’m used to, but being here with him? It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.
His large hand rests on the back of my head, and I inhale his scent as my nose presses against his throat.
“Have you had therapy before?” he asks gently.
I shake my head.
“Why?”
“It wasn’t something I thought I deserved.”
“Pups,” he whispers so delicately it makes me tremble. “You should talk to someone, for them to show you that you are as much of a victim in this. You’re self-harming, and that’s…”
I peek my eyes up at him, freezing at the agony behind his expression.
“You can’t keep doing it,” he rasps.
“It’s hard, and you wouldn’t understand.” My shoulders droop.
“You don’t want to die, do you?”
My eyes close at his words. Do I?
There are days I think I can do this. Other days are unbearable.
“Evan.” Caleb nudges me gently.
“Sometimes,” I confess.
He’s silent for a long minute, drinking in my answer. Then he releases a low sigh and tugs me impossibly closer.
“You don’t heal,” he whispers into my ear. “Why don’t you heal?”
I shrug. “I’m broken.”
“You’re not,” he murmurs heavily.
“My brother beat me so badly that I can’t remember when I stopped healing. It’s almost like I’ve been like this my entire life. I’m broken inside and out. My skin, my nervous system, my heart. All of it.”
Caleb throat bobs as he watches me. “It doesn’t have to be like that.” He strokes back my curls.
A humourless laugh leaves my chest. “How else could it be?”
“With you healing, with you healthy, with you knowing you deserve to live.”
I roll onto my back, the conversation suddenly suffocating me. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
Caleb exhales a sharp breath through his nose. “Okay. But I don’t want you pushing me away. I will chase and chase until you’re fucking sick of me, do you understand?”
My chest flutters at his declaration. I’ve never had someone want to fight for me, which is why it’s easy to push away. I’m not used to it. Fearful it’ll give me a false sense of hope, only for it to be ripped away at the last moment.
The second I register the sincerity in his eyes, I’m stunned into silence.
“Tell me you understand,” he mutters as he leans over me.
I gulp at the way his broad body covers mine, twice the size of me. “I understand.”
“Good.”
“How did you even get past our borders?” I ask, desperate to change the subject.
Caleb drags his tongue along his bottom lip. “A spell.”
“A spell?”
“Yeah. My mother was a hybrid,” he says, his necklace dangling between us as he looms over me. “Half witch, half wolf. She taught me the best spells to protect myself.”
“You’ve not spoken about your mother before,” I comment.
A sigh falls between us. “She deserved better.”
I sit up on my elbows, with our faces inches from one another. “Is she—”
“Dead? Yes.”
My brows twitch at his bluntness. “I’m sorry.”
“It was a while ago,” he states. “I don’t know how she could be mated to someone like my father. She was selfless in the purest way. Together, my parents were literally unstoppable. She had her witch powers, and he had his supernatural powers.”
A ball forms in my throat as his emotions start to swirl in my chest.
“Did he do something to her?”
Caleb’s hooded eyes lock onto mine. “I’ll never know, but I suspect he did, and I’ll hate him forever for it.
She hid a lot of their relationship from us, probably to protect us.
But he got worse after she died. He wasn’t great before, but when he lost her, he went off the rails.
We all suffered in our own ways, too afraid to speak out or do anything to stop him. He had us all manipulated.”
“It’s not your fault,” I say sincerely.
“I know,” he murmurs eventually. “I wish she could have lived the life that should have been hers. Not with my father. Even if that means I was never born.”
My heart crumbles at our family trauma. It’s unavoidable in our world. We’re all fucked up one way or another.
“The painting you saw in my bedroom?” he says vacantly.
“The half woman, half wolf?”
He nods. “That’s my mother.”
My mouth opens. “Wow. She’s beautiful, as is your painting.”
“Yeah,” he rasps. “She was.”
I raise my hand to stroke his cheek, and to my surprise, he presses his face into my palm. Warmth spreads through my skin and into my heart as if it’s trying to heal me in some way.
“Do you have other family?”
Caleb swallows thickly, and I notice the way his face twitches in discomfort.
“You don’t—”
“Sorry,” he whispers raggedly. “It’s just I never talk about my family.”
“We don’t have to,” I reassure him. “You don’t owe me anything.”
His hollow eyes flick between mine carefully. “I know, but I think I want to.”
I stay silent as he inhales a breath, as if he’s psyching himself up.
“I had a brother,” he starts. “He passed away a few years ago.”
My face twists. “I’m sorry.”
“We weren’t close. He was turning out to be like my father, and I couldn’t understand how he could change and want to be anything like that man. Sometimes, I think it was fear; other times, I think it was in his blood.”
“Do you think that’s why he’s pushing you to produce an heir and help him?”
Caleb nods. “I’m his only living relative. He’s clutching onto his bloodline like his life depends on it, but if anything, I want it to end with me.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Why are you apologising?”
“Because you don’t deserve this.”
His gaze falls an inch.
“Did he hurt you?”
He pauses for a moment before exhaling. “He wanted us to be terrified of him, and that’s when I realised I had to put on a front to stop it. He hated it when we were weak or started crying, so I blocked it all out. It’s made me this cold, blunt asshole who did things to you that I regret.”
“To protect me,” I say simply.
Caleb’s eyes close for a few seconds. “Yes, but I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t want him getting into my head when he started lingering around after I took over Cole’s pack. It was too risky.”
“I hate that you went through that, that you still have to go through it.”
“I’m a grown man.” He laughs sadly to himself. “I should be able to cut ties, but I can’t—not when I know what he’s capable of. I’m a coward.”
I frown sadly. “No. You have no other choice, and I understand that. Does he have any weaknesses?”
Caleb remains silent for a few seconds. “When I bring up my mother, I think sometimes it distracts him. Other than that, just usual fatigue from using his powers for a long period of time, or to a great degree.”
“Can’t you just drive a stake through his heart?”
He releases a soft snort. “If only it were that easy.”
“For a vampire, it is,” I say, lightheartedly.
“Thank you for opening up to me,” he says, changing the subject before kissing my palm.
My eyes flick between his slowly. “Thank you for opening up to me, too.”
“It’s always been hard to talk about them, but sharing it with you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done, and it’s terrifying.”
“In a bad way?”
He shakes his head once. “In a good way. I’ve always kept my emotions to myself, but you give me space to feel seen and heard, and I’ve needed this for years. I just didn’t know I did. I’m tired of pretending everything is okay.”
“It’s scary being vulnerable, huh?” I brush my hand over his neck softly.
“Yeah,” he rasps. “I know I’m not the best communicator, but I want to be better, and this is the first step.”
“I’m not either. We can learn together.”
Caleb smiles, and his handsome face is burned into my memory for eternity. He glances down at my nose and cups my cheek, brushing his thumb over my chin.
“Did I ever mention how much I love your nose piercing?” He admires it with soft eyes.
My cheeks bleed instantly. “You do?”
“Mm.” He purses his lips. “It’s hot as fuck.”
A small laugh bursts from me. “I don’t think I go in the same sentence as hot.”
“I beg to differ,” he whispers. “Made me fucking feral the first time I saw it. It really suits you.”
My skin heats up at his words. “Thank you,” I say, trying to accept his compliment.
His eyes check out for a brief second before he lowers his head, and exhales a groan of frustration.
“What?” I quickly say.
“I need to go.”
“Already?”
“Spells don’t last forever, and I can’t risk being seen here.”
My heart bleeds. “Oh, okay.”
Caleb leans down to press a kiss against my forehead. “I’ll see you soon, okay? And if you need me, I’m only a mindlink away.”
I attempt a smile, but it feels wonky and wrong. “Sure.”
He pushes himself up from my bed and stares at me from the edge. “You should speak to your pack doctors about therapy,” he says gently. “I mean it. You can’t keep going on like this.”
I nod, but my head feels heavy with the weight of my emotions. “I’ll try.”
“Okay,” he says before walking towards my bedroom window.
He glances over his shoulder at me one last time before shoving the window open, and stepping out into the darkness.
Silence swarms me, and the breeze from the cool night ripples against my heated cheeks. I bite down on my bottom lip and take a moment for my mind to digest what just happened.
I look over at my bedroom floor to find rice still scattered. My head falls to my hands, and I release a soft grunt. I slowly sink onto my knees and pick up each grain, one by one.