Chapter 64 Caleb
CALEB
Ibury my fingers into Evan’s curls.
My mouth is twitching as I press my face into the curve of his neck, and inhale as deeply as I possibly can. The scent I’ve been desperate to remember over the months of imprisonment, when all I could smell was damp and sewage.
He is my comfort. Where I belong. The key to my heart.
Evan pulls back and cradles my face as I study his tear-stained cheeks. “I can’t believe you’re here,” he whispers. “C-can we go upstairs to talk?”
I nod and tug him up onto his feet despite my bones screaming with weakness, but it doesn’t stop me. He laces our fingers together and takes me upstairs to his bedroom.
Once the door is shut, we stare at each other again. I drink in every inch of him. It takes us a while to move to sit on his bed, our knees touching.
“What happened?” he asks before holding my hand and placing it in his lap.
I watch our fingers, taking it all in.
My thumb smooths over his knuckles as I slowly begin to tell him everything that went down with Ryker, with Lula helping with my powers, and how I learned that my emotions were the key to accessing them.
Evan cries as I speak, and I try to leave out the gory details of the beatings and the starvation. There is enough guilt in his eyes to send me to my grave when he has nothing to feel guilty for.
“I’m so sorry, Caleb.” He chokes out a sob. “H-how do you feel now he’s gone?”
“Relieved,” I murmur. “A little bittersweet, I guess. But relieved more than anything. I have no family. They’re all gone.”
Evan shakes his head. “I’m your family. Your pack is your family. We’re all you’ll ever need.”
And he’s right. Blood doesn’t mean anything.
“I know, pups. Just trying to wrap my head around it all.”
“I can’t believe you went through all of that.”
“It was my choice to leave,” I state. “It was the only choice.”
He sniffles. “I’m still so angry at you.”
My heart sinks because I left him when he needed me the most. “I’m sorry for how I left,” I say with sorrow and tears in my eyes. “The last thing I wanted was to leave you in that hospital bed alone, but I was running out of time. I hurt you—I know—but I did it for us.”
Evan frowns. “I don’t care that you chose to leave. I care that you told me not to look for you when I know you would have looked for me.”
I would have. Even if he told me not to.
“It’s not the same,” I murmur.
“How can you say that?” He pulls back in disbelief.
“Because your life is more valuable than mine.”
Evan blinks, another tear rolling down his cheek. “No,” he heaves. “No, it’s not. Our lives are equal. You left, and I still looked for you.”
“He broke your leg,” I say gruffly, the image plays in my head, and I grimace. “He could have done worse.”
“I don’t care.”
“Are you okay now?”
Evan nods. “I recovered quicker than I ever have, so that definitely says something. I don’t know whether it was determination or doing those silly affirmations and pretending you were standing behind me.”
My heart quivers as I stroke his cheek. “Maybe you’re learning to let go and live finally.”
“Maybe, but I’m okay now.”
“Going after him was a stupid thing to do,” I mumble, pondering all the possible outcomes.
He gapes at me. “Stupid? I did it because I love you and I couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to you. Did you really expect me to sit here and get on with my life?”
“If it came to it, then yes. I just wanted you to live, Evan.”
“There’s no living without you,” he says with a shiver.
“And that probably sounds toxic and unhealthy, but it’s true.
You own my heart, my mind, my fucking soul.
You gave me everything. You’ve helped me in ways that months’ worth of therapy haven’t.
You’ve made me see myself in a different light.
And yes, maybe I rely on you too much, but that’s what mates are for.
To rely on each other because we are each other's support systems.”
My eyes flick between his slowly. “Pups—”
“You see me,” he sobs. “You see me, and that’s all I’ve wanted. And I had to get you back because I can’t do life without you when I know what it’s like to exist with you.”
I wrap my arm around his shoulder and tug him towards me. “I never stopped thinking about you. You know that, right?”
He holds onto me tightly. “I thought about you, too,” he admits into my chest. “Every day. Every second.”
I close my eyes and rest my forehead on the top of his skull. “How have you been?”
Evan shrugs as I brush back his hair from his face. “Trying to cope,” he whispers. “Hoping you’ll come back.”
My eyes drop down to his arms as I gently take his wrist, and slide up the sleeve of his hoodie. I stare down at the self-harm marks that have healed over.
“Did you–”
“Only once,” he says through a shaky voice. “At the start. I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry.”
I wrap a hand around the back of his neck and press a kiss to his head. “Shh,” I murmur. “It’s okay.”
“I-I lost control for a second, but I haven’t done it again since. I promise.”
“It’s okay,” I reassure him. I wasn’t there for him, and I should have been. To know he was alone and sad. I close my eyes in defeat and blow out a breath. “I’m not angry at you.”
“Some days after that, I wanted to, though. Jaxon had someone watch me twenty-four-seven at the start, and eventually, it was only half a day, then a few hours.”
Relief fills me instantly. They were there to watch over him while I couldn’t.
“I wasn’t really coping at the start,” he confesses. “I was a mess, but then I started to realise if I wanted you back, I had to get my head back on my shoulders and stop playing the victim. Nothing was going to be solved if I continued moping around. For you and for my own sanity.”
I swallow the thickness in my throat, even if I don’t agree with his choices. “I’m so proud of you.”
“For surviving?” he snorts humourlessly.
“For being strong, for getting back on your feet, for knowing your self-worth.”
“I’m not one hundred percent,” he admits. “My meds increased, and adjusting was a little hazy, but it’s still a journey.”
I hum softly. “Do you think you need extra help?”
Evan pauses. “Maybe. I don’t know. Ava suggested going to a clinic if things got bad, and at first, I thought it was a horrible idea.
But the more I thought about it, the more I started to realise that it might help me live the rest of my life without guilt riding on my shoulders every five seconds. ”
“There’s nothing shameful about it,” I reassure him. “If it’s something you need, then I’ll support you.”
He exhales a sigh. “I’m not ashamed of it. The idea slightly terrifies me, but at the same time, what if it’s the best thing I’ve ever done? I want to stop my self-harm urges, and I want to live a good life, but I can’t when my mind holds me back.”
“You deserve not to feel guilt for what happened to you,” I say softly. “Because it’s not your fault.”
“It’s been a blur, and I don’t know when I’ll come crashing down to planet Earth again. My emotions are up in the air, and it’s not fully sunk in yet that you’re here and you’re okay. I-I thought I lost you for good.” Evan’s mouth begins to tremble.
“Nothing is going to keep us apart, do you hear me?”
He nods, his eyes locked on mine. “I’m sorry for talking about this when you’ve literally gone through hell,” he dismisses himself. “We should be focusing on you.”
I frown. “We’ve both been through hell, and there’s enough space for both of us to talk about our problems, okay? I asked how you were doing because I wanted to know, and I’m glad you told me. Evan, five months ago, would have kept this to himself.”
The corner of his lip twitches. “What a surprise, therapy works by helping me open up and communicate. Evan, five months ago, wouldn’t have believed that either.”
We both crack a smile, and I’m glad we can be honest with one another. But a moment later, his smile falls, and my heart lurches out of my chest.
“Our bond is gone.”
“Then we’ll accept each other,” I say.
Evan’s eyes light up eagerly.
“I, Caleb Vella, accept you, Evan Wolfe, as my mate.”
“I, Evan Wolfe, accept you, Caleb Vella, as my mate.”
We both stare back into each other's eyes, but nothing happens—not even a twitch of the bond. I frown but recover quickly.
Evan whimpers. “I-it didn’t work.”
“We’ll bring it back,” I whisper sincerely.
“How?” His eyes start to glisten.
“We’ll figure it out,” I say. “But I don’t need the bond to tell me how I feel.”
“Me, neither.”
I tug him into my arms, unable to not touch him for a second. He settles on my lap, legs straddling mine. My hands explore his back as he places his on my shoulders.
“Are you hungry?” he asks, stroking his hand along my jaw. “I can make you something.”
“I’m okay, pups,” I say. “I had a little bit of food before I came. Doctors say I need to take it easy, otherwise I’ll make myself sick.”
His mouth parts. “I can’t believe he did that to you.”
“It’s in the past.”
“No, Caleb,” he exhales. “What happened is seriously fucked up, and I get it if you don’t want to talk to me about it. But you should talk to someone when you’re ready. Don’t let it eat you alive, I know firsthand how much it messes with your head.”
My jaw tenses, and I manage a nod. It’s so fresh and raw that I don’t think I can talk about it right now. All I care about is this moment.
“I will,” I express. “When the time is right.”
“And I’ll be there, like you have for me.”
I lean forward and press my lips to his. It’s a soft kiss that sends a shiver down my spine. I clutch onto him tighter and inhale his moan as I dip my tongue into his mouth. It’s definitely not the time, nor the place, but I can’t help myself.
This is the only thing that’s making me feel somewhat normal. Because I haven’t known normal for months. And yet the calmness that washes over me is instant.