Chapter 15
Fifteen
“These are some big developments, Tobin. How are you handling them?”
Tobin sat on the couch across from her long-time therapist, Nadia. As promised, she had scheduled an appointment after the turbulent events of the weekend, leaning on Nadia’s intimate knowledge of her history as a compass for her emotional goals.
“Initially, I thought I was confused. But—even before the kiss—I think I knew I wasn’t confused.
I think my original response to Grier’s question at the gala was the brunt of it.
I’m scared.” She met Nadia’s eyes as she spoke, long passed the squeamish stage of discussions about her feelings.
Nadia had seen her—and walked her through—her very worst. It was Tobin’s hope that her counselor could help her navigate this blip on her radar—Grier—and help her determine if she was willing to alter course on her strategic plans for the future.
She felt Nadia assessing her. The urge to fidget with the couch cushions tugged at her hands, an outlet for restless emotions she couldn’t quite name.
“Fear is something we all deal with, Tobin. You deal with it every day, in yourself and in your career. You’ve dealt with fear after your accident, and in your loneliness after Talia.
” Nadia uncrossed and recrossed her legs in the opposite direction, leaning further into her chair.
“Why do you think the idea of a new relationship brings up so much fear for you?”
Tobin went quiet, thinking. Fear was rarely one-dimensional.
She knew there were multiple angles to assess, a spectrum of answers.
She’d done enough introspection over the years—and in the past few days—to already know the answer Nadia was surely seeking.
She just wasn’t sure she wanted to hear herself say it out loud.
“I…” she hesitated, the urge to finger the pillow’s edges causing her fingers to twitch against her will. “I… want.”
She looked at Nadia, hoping the emotion in her voice—in that single word—conveyed all of her fears in a way only Nadia could understand.
Nadia’s posture remained unchanged, but Tobin caught the faintest glimmer in her eyes—one that looked a lot like pride.
“Tobin. That’s a four-letter word in your book.”
“I feel like, in the interest of full disclosure, I also have to say it’s closely followed by hope,” Tobin admitted in a gush of words, knowing if she didn’t say it quickly, she’d bury it.
Nadia smiled kindly. “I understand your fear better. And I feel like, in the interest of full disclosure”—her smile broadened as she repeated Tobin’s phrasing—“I already like this woman.”
Tobin let herself smile. The relief of her admission—the ownership of her feelings—seemed to physically lighten her body.
“Now,” Nadia leaned forward, already smiling with an edge of wickedness, “what are you going to do about it?”
“That’s why I’m here, Nadia. Every time I get close to her, even thinking about her…
I get a flood of different emotions. I’m intrigued, I’m nervous, I’m curious—and so fucking aroused.
The rush of chemicals makes me want to pick her up, carry her to bed, and have our wicked way with each other.
But then it’s immediately overlapped by this heaviness in my body, of memories of Talia, and the hurt.
And I feel my walls reinforce—thicker and higher each time.
And…” Tobin paused, organizing her thoughts.
“And?” Nadia prodded.
“And. I think that summarizes it. Her. There’s just a never- ending and with Grier. Even when I decide to stop things, to control my emotions, to control myself—there she is. Again. She’s an infinite ampersand of fantasy with the promise of tomorrow.”
“And,” Nadia emphasized, “tomorrow is what scares you.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yeah.”
“You know what I’m going to tell you, right?” Nadia deadpanned.
Tobin released a puff of air through pursed lips, accompanied by a slight groan as she sank deeper into the couch cushions.
“Yeah. But I’m paying you to say it, so you should probably deliver on the terms of our professional relationship.
For my benefit.” She tried to lighten the mood before receiving the direction on the tip of Nadia’s lips.
“Seize today, Tobin.”
“But what about the baby? We haven’t even talked about that yet,” Tobin pleaded.
“What about the baby?”
“I want a baby, Nadia! I have my appointment scheduled. I can’t start a relationship now!” Tobin’s emotions swirled in her chest.
“You can have a baby,” Nadia said evenly. “But we both know— as we’ve discussed this ad nauseam—that your preference is for a family. And now that one is potentially knocking at your door, you’re finding excuses to sabotage.”
“I’m not sabotaging!” Tobin snapped, heat rising in her voice. “What else would you call it? You want a family. An attractive, determined woman is interested in you—interest you admittedly share—and you’re falling back on your backup plan.”
“No, that’s not what’s happening. The baby is the plan; Grier is the backup.”
“I disagree. You’ve always wanted a family, Tobin. The baby became the primary plan when you decided you weren’t going to partner.”
“I don’t want to raise a child in a broken home.
I’ll be a mess, and I can’t pretend I’d be able to pull myself together to care for a kid after a divorce, when I know I’ll barely be able to take care of myself.
” “That. That—right there—is the problem.” Nadia looked at her, trying to imbue meaning through her stare.
“What? We just talked about the fear. This isn’t new,” Tobin deflected.
Nadia leaned forward in her chair. “Not the fear, Tobin. It’s the control. You can’t control the future—the tomorrows. And you think a baby without a partner will reduce what you have to manage, make it easier to keep your carefully constructed armory of walls intact. But it won’t. You can’t.”
“No, I can’t control them. So why is it wrong for me to choose to control what I can, to carve out a small piece of happiness I can protect from everything else?
From myself and the inevitable demise of any relationship I start?
” She was furious. And hurt. Weren’t there ethical lines about how much therapists could tell versus lead their clients to discover on their own? They’d clearly been crossed today.
“It’s not wrong. But you’re catastrophizing the worst possible scenario, when it’s the least probable.
You’re afraid of losing a relationship you haven’t even allowed to start.
So, you’re trying to maintain your composure for that imagined loss by throwing yourself into a lifelong commitment to a child that may not even be conceived. ”
Tobin sat on the couch, stiff, and burning with anger. “That was cold.”
“I know. I overstepped. But the point remains the same. You’re trying to control everything which cannot be controlled.
And you have an opportunity to explore one of your lifelong ambitions with Grier.
” Nadia shrugged and leaned back in her chair again.
“Maybe she won’t be the one. But what if she is?
Circling back to the start of our session—don’t you want to see if it could go somewhere?
Can you hope, for just a little while, that maybe you can have everything you’ve ever wanted? ”
Tobin walked out of Nadia’s office and into the chilly May air.
She slid her aviators over her eyes and shoved her fists into the pockets of her bomber jacket.
The need to expel the restless energy pulsing in her chest propelled her down the sidewalk, aimless but purposeful.
She needed to walk. To breathe. To make sense of the noise inside her head that had gone eerily still.
Nadia was right. Eddie was right. LoLo and Harrow… all right. Never before had so many people been aligned in their belief in her, urging her to reach out and grasp what was there for the taking. Her family and friends had always been supportive, but never as fiercely as now—for Grier.
That kiss was neither a beginning nor an end, but the fulfillment of a destiny Tobin hadn’t considered was hers to claim. It was a question and an answer.
She knew she was a fool to fight it. And she was going to do something about it.
Pulling her phone from her pocket, she opened her messages and found Grier’s name.
TOBIN—11:13
Still on for Saturday? Might be a little
chilly, we could change the plans if the
cold bothers you.
She slid her phone back in her pocket and continued walking, eyes drifting across shop windows.
She barely registered the items on display, preoccupied as she was with her thoughts.
Why had she demanded it not be a date? She couldn’t walk that back.
Now that she’d resolved to act on her feelings, her earlier declaration felt like a mocking reminder of the uncertainty she was trying to suppress.
With Nadia’s encouragement still echoing in her mind, she resolved to honor her want—and her hope.
Barely a block later, her phone vibrated.
She yanked it from her pocket so quickly that it snagged on the edge and flew out of her hand.
She groaned, mortified, as nearby pedestrians stared.
Relief flooded her when she realized it was intact.
She tapped the screen to see Grier’s glorious name glowing in a text bubble.
GRIER—11:16 a.m.
I was just thinking about you! ?? I can’t wait
for Saturday. The cold doesn’t scare me—I
run hot.
TOBIN—11:16 a.m.
I bet you do.
That may have been a little forward, but maybe she could turn on the flirting again and coax the non-date into a date, after all?
GRIER—11:18 a.m.
Are you a betting woman, Tobin?
Shit. In for a penny, in for a pound, right?
TTOBIN—11:19 a.m.
You seem to have an unnatural ability to
keep me on my toes. So, when it comes
to you, I think all bets are off.
Her heart fluttered as she sent the text. Bubbles appeared almost instantly, bouncing along the bottom of the text screen.
GRIER—11:19 a.m.