Chapter 50
The further we run
The further we run, the more I relax until I slow and stop, rolling on the soft grass beneath the gigantic trees. The air is cool in my fur, and we’re alive and out of that horrible place. I almost can’t believe it.
All at once, I’m human, lying on my back, looking up at the trees and the various hues that shine through.
“We got out!” I whisper.
Jarek lands on me, laughing. I wrap my arms around him, and we roll.
He kisses me hard enough that I forget where we are, losing myself at the touch of his tongue.
Forgetting everything until a voice clears their throat.
Mordecai holds out a hand, and I grab it.
He pulls me easily to my feet and spins me around so I’m chest-to-chest with him.
“We got out,” he says with a grin.
“Beat the impossible odds again.”
He laughs, and the sound is truly one of my favourite sounds in the whole world.
But there’s something missing. Cadel is standing further away, his expression lost under a dark cloud of whatever thought has him in a chokehold.
“Cadel?”
He turns and tries to push it aside, but I can see it linger there.
“What’s wrong?”
“I just want to put as much space between us and them as we can.”
I sober, my amusement fading as tinges of panic return to my mind. He’s right; we should be running.
“Let’s go, then.”
The food and water have been left behind, but we’re out in the wilds now, and this is where I spent years surviving alone.
Cadel leads, and the rest of us follow, walking briskly. He’s quiet, even more so than he normally is, and I can’t help but think there is something else bothering him.
I jog to catch up with him and reach out, taking his hand in mine. He stumbles but looks down at where I have hold of his fingers. It’s almost as if he can’t believe it.
“We’re going to be okay now. I survived out here for years. I can show you how to hunt and fish, where to get water and trade for supplies. It’s going to be great. We’ll be free to live however we want. Just the four of us in our own happy world.”
Mordecai makes a sound, but I ignore him.
The air around us turns tense, and when I glance at Jarek, he’s not looking at me.
“Is that what you want?” Cadel asks, slowing to a stop. “Would you be happy to walk away from it all, to pretend it’s not your problem and that it’s someone else’s life so it’s not something you have to worry about? Could you live your life happily, Omega, to do that?”
I flinch. “You don’t need to be so brutal about it.”
“You are so messed up,” he whispers. “I don’t even recognise you sometimes.”
I recoil, but he doesn’t let go of my hand when I try to snatch it free.
“People have hurt you and betrayed you. Too many of them, and now you’ve forgotten how to trust, and you try to hide who you are. I’m not going to hide in the forest with you, Kaida,” he says slowly, enunciating the words clearly so there can be no misunderstandings.
“I know who I am,” I snap at him. He doesn’t want to be with me?
“Do you?” he says darkly. “Because abandoning everyone, your designation, your people, that’s not you.”
“I’m the person who—”
He lets go and shoves me with both hands in the chest. I stumble back until I slam into Mordecai.
“You’re the person who shouldn’t be running off into a forest hiding,” he snarls. “Planning to live in a forest, running and hiding,” he shouts scornfully. “You! Who are you?”
“Well, let’s just go back, then!” I shout at him.
“You want to live happily with us forever while everyone else dies? They only become a problem when they come for us, right? We don’t care about Bear or Legion. What about Mia? Sophie?”
“Cadel,” I snarl, furious.
“Just admit it; you have no intention of hiding.”
I snarl at him.
“You were going to keep fighting, and we all know it. I’m not going to let you lie to yourself, hide from yourself. It’s time you really looked at who you are. Stop being this person!” he says, waving a hand at me.
“I barely know you. How could you know who I am better than I do?” I shoot back hotly.
“We know you,” Mordecai says. “And he’s right. We’re not going to live in the forest. We’re going to the Resistance.”
I’m stunned for a moment because, even though a tiny part of me knew that is where I would end up, I’m furious they are making me face it now.
“What is this? Do you want me to leave? Do you want me to go off alone?”
Cadel snarls, and I find myself staring up at this alpha with a hand wrapped around my throat again. His thumb gently strokes over my pulse.
“Just try it. You are ours,” he hisses in a dark, deadly voice. “I am not going to watch you walk away from me again.”
I let out a sound of frustration. “What do you want from me?”
“REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!” Cadel yells. “Remember before it’s too late.”
I stare at him, blinking. “What do you mean? Have we met before? Is that what you’re trying to say? Was it when my mum was alive?” I think of all the visions and those photos of the girl who looks exactly like me.
Cadel looks physically sick at my response. “You said you’d come back in the winter,” he whispers so quietly I almost can’t hear him.
I stare at him, frozen by the emotion in this alpha’s expression. The sadness that seems to be ripping him apart from the inside out.
“We’re going to the Resistance because we’re going to fight. We’re going to save these alphas and omegas.” He shudders. “And because I need you to remember.”
I stare up at him and feel a quiver inside. “Do you hate me, Cadel?”
His mouth parts, his fingers flex on my throat. He leans in so he’s staring into my eyes.
“I could never hate you. I want to save you, Kaida. More than I want to live, more than I want the world to live. I just want you to be happy and healthy and alive. But your way buys time, not freedom or a life. And that life, the one you’re promising me…
I want that to last a lifetime, not a few fleeting weeks. ”
I stare up at him, wishing I knew what he was thinking. There is something infinitely sad about this alpha. I glance up at Mordecai and see the same expression on his face.
“I’m going to fight. I said I would,” I say in disgust. “Can you let me go now?”
Cadel slowly removes his hand and sighs. “This isn’t working.”
I don’t know what he’s talking about, but Mordecai and Jarek seem to understand without him needing to use words.
For a moment there, I thought we might have a happy ending. The crushing loss of it has me sullenly silent, refusing to speak to them as we head towards the mountains. Those distant peaks that promise the end of any peaceful dreams I might have had.
“Do you think I’m selfish for wanting that future with you?”
Jarek looks at me in surprise, but ahead of us, I can see Mordecai and Cadel tense.
“I don’t think you are selfish for wanting to be happy,” Jarek whispers.
“I think turning you down was heartbreakingly hard because I wanted that dream with you. Kaida, you are beyond tempting. I would have loved to have lived wild with you. But Cadel is right; they would have come for us eventually, and we would have died.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t—”
“You can’t promise that. If we fight, there’s a good chance that one of you might die.
More than one. We all might,” I say softly, wincing as I reveal my biggest fears.
“I can’t bear it. The thought of losing another person I care about, about being left behind, alive and alone to live on without them.
I can’t do it. That’s why I wanted to go run off and live—”
Jarek pulls me into him, his arms wrapping around me so tight I can barely breathe. He buries his face in my shoulder and just stands there, but the hug says everything that words can’t.
I love you.
I’m not leaving you.
I will fight to stay with you.
Do not be afraid.
I cling to him like he’s a lifeline that is saving me from all the fears that are trying to drown me.
When I lift my face, I find Cadel and Mordecai right behind Jarek, their expressions intense.
“I am sorry. I’m not the brave omega you all hoped. I’m just afraid. So very afraid.”
Mordecai growls but looks at Cadel.
“Kaida,” he says softly, “don’t you realise that those thoughts are also ours. I couldn’t bear to see them hurt you again. It would kill me if they killed you. I don’t know how I’d live if I didn’t know where you are. How can I exist without you?”
I stare at him.
Jarek lets me go, and I creep towards Cadel, swiping the tears off my cheek as I go. He pulls me into a hug. Mordecai and Jarek join in, and the four of us just stand there.
“No matter what happens, I will love you,” Cadel says softly. “No matter where we are or how much space or time separates us, remember that, and if I can, I will come for you. I promise. I will come.”
I sniffle.
“Same. Nothing will stop us, Kaida Keres, from returning to your side, not even death itself.”
We stand like that until the air gets cold, and then they pull away from me. Cadel takes my hand and picks his way through the forest. When it gets dark, we sit down, and Mordecai builds a fire.
“What do you think their plan is? Do you think they even have one?”
Mordecai snorts. “I don’t think they will have a plan, but I think that they will need to get one quickly. The Path is going to be coming for them.”
Jarek pulls me into his arms and lays down, wrapped around me from behind. I lay there staring at the flames, his hand casually stroking up and down my thigh.
“Do you believe we knew each other in past lives?” I ask Jarek.
He stills, just for a second. “Yes, I do.”
“Do you think we’ll find each other in our next lives?”
He hesitates again, and when he speaks, his voice is sad. “Of course. We’re destined for each other. I think we would find each other no matter where we went.”
“That is a comforting thought,” I say to Jarek with a sigh. I close my eyes and fall into a light doze.
Their voices draw me up out of it, not enough to wake me, but enough that I can hear them.
“You are a god,” Mordecai whispers. “Surely, there’s something you can do?”
“What about you? This is your purpose. Every cycle, it’s you three who save the day.”
“We can’t talk about this,” Jarek snaps. “Stop it.”
The other two subside.
“I’m scared,” Cadel admits. “I’ve never felt like this, and we’ve seen what they are capable of; it's hard to imagine there is anything that we can do that will stop them.”
“Whatever the plan is, we will keep working towards stopping them until we win,” Mordecai says easily. “We’re all here for a reason. Have faith.”
“The faith I had in people vanished when…” Cadel trails off. “I still have gaps, little parts of my memories that are missing. Like I can’t remember what happened the night the stars fell. Or how I came to be chained up.”
“It will come to you when you need it.”
“I hope so; these holes in my memory are disturbingly scary. I keep wondering what else I’ve forgotten.”
“Yes, it’s not pleasant finding out all these things about yourself that you had no idea existed.”
They fall silent for a long time, and when I open my eyes, they are both asleep on the other side of the fire, but I’m staring at the flames, watching the intense dancing flickers of red and orange.
I can see a city burning, but it’s not like Foreen; this is a city that is older, and people are everywhere, screaming.
I know I’ve never seen a city like this.
It stretches long and flat. There are no skyscrapers.
People are wearing dresses and material that is older and made out of wool.
They are screaming as they jostle each other and fight to make it free. I don’t know who they are.
But then, in the flames and smoke, I see Mordecai and Jarek just behind him. They look up and smile.
I don’t know this city, I think in a panic.
I’d remember it.
Wouldn’t I?