17. Rami
Rami
Ididn’t need to guess. I knew.
Ethan had been told he no longer had cancer.
Because of me.
When I’d seen him dying that day, I’d healed him. All of him. I hadn’t paid attention to what was wrong with him. I’d had no idea that death was coming for him in a different vehicle. I’d stopped all of it just the same.
Wasn’t like I could admit that to Ethan though. Not just yet, anyway.
“Tell me,” I said instead.
“Somehow, I’m cancer-free.” He gave that hysterical laugh again, the one that told me how little he believed it. “They can’t explain it. It’s like my body…healed itself.”
Or an angel had healed it for him.
My mind raced as I tried to think of the right thing to say.
My instincts were telling me now wasn’t the moment to dump the truth into Ethan’s lap.
He hadn’t even got up to what had happened back at his house yet.
“That’s…Wow. I’m not even sure what to say, except I’m so fucking glad you’re not dying. ”
“Not at the moment, anyway.” Ethan sighed, looking at the stars once more. “Going through all of this, it’s reminded me how precious life is, you know? The cancer could return at any time. Or, hell, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.”
I winced. Really wished that wasn’t one of Ethan’s go-to ideas for how death might find him.
“My point is, I need to embrace the here and now,” Ethan said. “My future’s been given back to me. It’s a gift. I just…I don’t know what to do with it.”
It was killing me to not grab his chin and tell him that I knew exactly what his future held. It’d be spent with me. With the Seraphim. He’d never need or want for anything in his life again.
Certainly not love or friendship.
“I do know that I want to choose,” Ethan said fiercely, his hand kicking up some water as he gesticulated. “I’ve spent so long going along with Dave’s plans and Dave’s dreams. And you know what? It’s time for me to have some of my own.”
That right there was why I held my tongue. Ethan was my fated mate, but that didn’t make him mine. Not unless he wanted me.
Until then, I’d be the friend he needed.
“You’re in an exciting place, Ethan,” I said quietly. “You can do anything you like.”
He laughed bitterly, exposing the long lines of his throat as he rested his head on the edge of the tub. “Can I? Because up until a few hours ago, I wanted a future with Dave.”
I was grateful that Ethan’s eyes were turned skyward, because I couldn’t hide how I flinched at those words.
“Fuck, I don’t even know if that’s true.” He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “If I’m being honest, I don’t think Dave and I have been happy for a long time.”
“How did Dave take the news of your diagnosis?” That he’d quit his job and moved back here for Ethan had him going up in my estimation. However, any progress he’d made had been obliterated by whatever he’d done today to upset him.
“He was shocked,” Ethan said. “But supportive. While we were in the states, he came to all of my appointments.”
My eyes narrowed as I read between the lines. “And when you came back here?”
“He got busy.” Ethan shrugged in a way that suggested he didn’t care. The mark told me otherwise. Now he was so close, I was reading him clearer than ever. “I got used to going to the hospital by myself.”
My stomach flipped. “You did chemo alone?”
He met my gaze. “It’s not like it’s particularly interesting. It’s afterwards that you need the most help.”
“It not being interesting is more reason to have company, not less,” I growled. Powder dusted my fingers and I quickly forced them to relax before I broke tiles. “Please tell me he was there for you when you were sick.”
“Sometimes,” he said quietly. “But he had a job to go to. It’s not like his life should have been put on hold because I was unwell. Especially given he’d have to go on living when I died.”
There was so much I wanted to say in response to that, but not a single word of it was appropriate given our current relationship. “Excuse me,” I said, shooting Ethan a strained smile. “Just need to use the toilet.”
Alone in the bathroom, I splashed cold water over my face before staring at my reflection, trying to reconcile everything Ethan had told me.
Ethan had been dying.
He’d been in pain.
He’d been suffering.
He’d been going through treatment.
Alone.
In the same city I lived in.
And where the fuck had I been?
Not with him. Not where I should’ve been.
If I’d known, I would’ve healed him the second he’d stepped back onto UK soil. Hell, I would’ve flown over to the states the day he had his seizure. Why the fuck had fate kept him from me until now? I understood why I hadn’t sensed him in his home, but why not at the hospital?
And why the fuck hadn’t Dave been at his side for all of it? What possible reason could he have to let the man he loved go on this journey alone?
I took several calming breaths, reminding myself of all the reasons why I couldn’t pop back to London to rip out Dave’s throat.
It might upset Ethan.
Ethan would be left alone.
He’s already been left alone enough.
No more. I’d be at his side as much as he’d allow me.
With an easy smile locked in place, I returned to Ethan in the hot tub.
My mate wasn’t relaxed. He was sitting forwards, worrying at his lower lip as he stared out over the lake.
His skin was pale in the moonlight, his freckles striking in contrast. How I longed to trace them with my fingers.
To gently pull his lip from between his teeth and kiss it until he forgot whatever was making him sad in this moment.
Maybe one day.
“Sorry about that,” I said as I returned to the water. The hot tub wasn’t small, but with Ethan being six foot and me being well over that, it certainly wasn’t roomy. I was having to work to make sure I didn’t brush against him. “Where were we?”
Like I’d forgotten.
“I was talking about Dave.” He sighed. “I’m starting to wonder if we would’ve broken up long before now if I hadn’t got sick. I suppose he was probably getting on with his life thinking I was going to die.”
I exhaled slowly. “And that makes it okay?”
“Course not,” Ethan muttered, his eyes dropping to the water. “But at least he stayed. Most men would have left.”
“Ethan,” I said quietly, “Ethan, look at me.”
A flush covered his cheeks, but he couldn’t seem to meet my gaze.
Benji’s voice suddenly rang in my mind. “If this person is your fated mate, what’s the point of dancing around the subject? I swear, all of you seem insistent on finding obstacles. The truth is, you’re going to end up with Ethan. Why fight it?”
I wasn’t going so far as to say Benji was completely right, but maybe there was a kernel of truth in there. Rather than fighting my instincts, I should let them guide me.
Taking a deep breath, I reached over and touched Ethan’s chin lightly. His eyes flew up, his lips parting on a sudden intake of breath.
“Now listen here, Ethan Routliff,” I said, my voice low, “because I’m only going to say this once.
If other men are leaving their partners when they receive a terminal diagnosis, that makes them cunts of the worst kind.
” Ones who’d eventually be served justice in the form of Lucifer and his minions.
“But Dave sticking around and effectively checking out doesn’t make him any better. ”
Ethan’s lower jaw pushed against my hand. I suspected he was going to protest, so I gently but firmly closed his mouth for him. Then, I went a step further and covered it with my palm, just as I’d done earlier today. “Nope. You can have your turn in a second. I’m not done yet.”
His eyes sparkled with amusement above my hand. Guess he liked it when I was firm with him. Poor guy. Ethan would soon learn that I was about as firm as melted butter when it came to him. Not his well-being or happiness though. Steel was more apt for those areas.
“I don’t give a shit that he quit his job and moved back here for you,” I continued.
“That’s the bare minimum he should’ve done.
If he truly loved you, he would’ve been at every appointment he could.
He would’ve distracted you during chemo, sat beside you when you saw the consultant, and taken care of you when you got home. Did he do those things?”
Ethan raised his brows. I realised he couldn’t answer and reluctantly lowered my hand. It didn’t go far though, I just cupped his jaw again.
“No. At first, yes, but when it became clear I was only going to get worse…”
“He stopped.” Fuck, I really wanted to kill Dave. “I’m sorry, Ethan. You deserve so much better. You’ve gone on this journey alone, and I fucking hate it.”
“I see your point,” Ethan said slowly, “but in a way, I was glad.”
“How so?”
“Because I didn’t want anyone else to watch me die.”
“Ethan,” I whispered. Unable to help myself, I scooted around the seat until my hip was pressed against his. “Don’t say that, baby.”
“Why not? It’s true. It’s bad enough knowing you’re dying, but subjecting those you care about it to it? That’s far worse. Selfishly, I didn’t want to worry about traumatising anyone with everything else I had going on.”
“Is that why you never contacted your friends? The ones you had in Southampton?”
“Mostly, yeah.” Ethan’s toes toyed with my calf under the water. I wasn’t sure he even realised he was doing it. “But also, what kind of friend would I be if I reached out? I haven’t spoken to them in years, then only reaching out because I’m dying? What a shitty thing to do.”
“What a human thing to do. If they were your friends, I don’t doubt they would’ve dropped everything to support you.”
In fact, I knew that was exactly what they would’ve done.
The three of them would’ve commanded they be flown here immediately.
I didn’t know any of them well, but I knew none of them would’ve let Ethan go through this alone.
They would’ve pulled in any favours necessary to try and save him, utilising their network to…
To…
Oh fuck.
Fuck.