Chapter 28
James
Maybe having sex with Marc had been a bad idea.
No way was once ever going to be enough, and I didn’t even care if I was the one who always bottomed.
Though I’d be shocked as hell if Marc’s curiosity didn’t get the better of him with that too.
No, the problem had nothing to do with how absolutely incredible the sex was and everything to do with how in love with him I was.
It shouldn’t be possible to be even more in love with him, but here I was.
Did he even know what he was doing to me?
Sure, the trinkets that kept turning up around the apartment and shop were probably kitschy nonsense to most people, but they weren’t to me.
And, yeah, the coffee cup was practical.
It was also thoughtful. Then there was the buttercup I’d pressed in one of his books what felt like a lifetime ago.
He must have found it, because when I went to look at it later, it had a note saying next time I wanted to preserve a flower to just say so.
Not finding the peace I needed upstairs, I snuck down to the shop with the intention of going for a walk, maybe watching the sunrise.
That’s when I saw the remarkable tulip and buttercup arrangement he’d made the day before.
It wasn’t in the display fridge like it had been.
Now, it was in the walk-in fridge, looking for all the world like a display piece for a grand event.
It also now boasted the Army ribbon I’d been too hurt and stubborn to add then.
Somehow Marc had woven it into my existing bow so it looked like it had always been there. In a word, it was stunning.
I took a picture and saved it, even though I knew it’d break my heart every time I looked at it. Then I texted my brother. I probably shouldn’t have been surprised that he was awake before dawn.
“What’s wrong?” Andy asked before I could get a word out.
“Good morning to you too,” I replied grumpily.
He scoffed. “It’s too soon to judge the merits of whether it’s good. Answer the question.”
“Still as bossy as ever.”
He sighed. “Hold on.” There was the sound of movement, what might have been liquid pouring, more movement, and quiet. “Okay. Sorry. I don’t sleep well when Mitch isn’t here. It’s ridiculous, but there it is.”
“So… mainlining coffee?” I teased.
“Tea, actually.” He laughed softly. “I’ve been told I have ‘a problem’.”
“Know the feeling.”
“So, what’s up? I doubt you called to discuss our caffeine-drinking issues. Or I guess you could have, in which case I’ll follow your lead.”
It was tempting as hell to fall back on old habits of teasing him, but he was working hard not to be an asshole and frankly I needed to talk to someone.
I let out a heavy sigh. “No, you’re right, something’s up.
I… I had sex with Marc. Sorry if that’s TMI, but it’s kind of the crux of my issues at the moment. ”
“Kind of already figured that was a thing. And it’s only TMI if you called just to give me the deets on how you two did the horizontal tango, unless, of course, it was vertical, or not a tango at all, or—”
“Oh my God, please stop talking.” I ran a hand over my face, not sure if I wanted to laugh or cry hysterically. “How are we related? Horizontal tango, Andy? Really?”
His light laughter at the other end was unexpected. “You know, I used to ask myself that all the time. Now I wonder how I ever used to doubt it.”
I sat back in the folding chair, finally tearing my gaze away from Marc’s arrangement. “How so?”
He sighed and I could clearly hear him getting more comfortable, much like I had.
“Well, as I’m sure you surmised, Mitch and I have been seeing a therapist, independently and together.
” I considered responding, but it seemed more rhetorical than an actual question.
“Which is a weird segue into how I realize now just how much you and I are alike.”
“Okay…”
“Fuck, this is weird to do over the phone,” he muttered, “but here goes. I’m obviously still upset that you enlisted without telling anyone.
It wasn’t until my therapist pointed out that I’d done the exact same thing that I understood why you did it.
Don’t get me wrong, still hurts like fuck, but… I get it.”
Well, this was embarrassing. “Um, don’t suppose you could explain it to me?”
He huffed a laugh. “I’m not even going to tease you about that, because she had to literally hold my hand through that shit. I know you weren’t really around when I came out to Mom and Dad. Not trying to start anything, just setting the stage so you can understand what happened.”
“What did happen, Andy? No one ever told me. The most I got was a smart-ass text from Sav about you being gay, then nothing.”
“Why does that not surprise me? Let me guess, she included something along the lines of ‘called it’?” His snark was on point and an eerie echo of our sister.
“Something like that.”
“Anyway, I don’t know what I was expecting—no, that’s a lie.
I had an idea. I expected them to kick me out, to want nothing to do with me, to see me exactly the same way all those bigots at Ulwich did.
So when I told them and they just stared at me like they’d never seen me before, it…
it confirmed my greatest fears. They wouldn’t accept the real me.
They couldn’t even talk to me. After a few minutes of silence, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I turned and left.
” His sniffle betrayed that even though it was years past, even though they’d reconciled, and he was actively healing, the hurt was still there.
“Shit, Andy. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”
“That wasn’t your responsibility.”
“Yes, the fuck it was.” The chair squeaked as I straightened.
“No matter how much you dislike it, I’m your big brother.
I want to be there for you. I always have.
Why do you think I made sure to be there the Christmas you brought Mitch to meet the family?
No matter what it took, no way was I going to let you go through that on your own a second time. ”
“You mean you didn’t show up just so you could upstage me by coming out as bi and try to steal my boyfriend?
” he teased with his usual amount of snark.
I rolled my eyes, but he continued talking before I could interject.
“Anyway, all that’s to say, we both seem to have a bad habit of assuming people won’t accept us, so we decide preemptively they won’t and distance ourselves.
In our cases, literally. Though I only went a few states over. You jumped a damn ocean.”
“I wasn’t overseas the whole time,” I mumbled.
“Moot point. We put up strong fronts, these barriers to protect ourselves, and when we sense those failing, we add distance. Sometimes, a lot of distance. I know I used coming out to Mom and Dad as an example, but I started doing it in school. First with Mitch, then,” he let out a ragged sigh, “then with everyone. Which begs the question: What happened to you at Ulwich, James?”
I immediately bristled. He didn’t ask it as if something might have happened; it was definitive, unassailable. “Nothing.”
“James,” he said with a wealth of patience he must have stolen from someone, because my younger brother certainly didn’t possess it. “You know you can talk to me, right? I went there too. I know—”
“Nothing, because nothing happened,” I bit out. “Not to me. Nothing ever happened to me. Who would have dared? You’ve called me an ogre since you learned the damn word, Andy. No one touched me. No one even looked at me crossways. Things happened to other boys, but not to me.”
Andy sucked in a breath. “Oh. Ohhhhh.”
“What?” I snapped, not liking the way he said that at all.
“I totally get it now.”
“Get what?” I asked again.
“I’ve wondered for years why you chose to enlist in the Army of all things. I mean, you could have done anything, gone anywhere. You had the resources, the intellect, the connections. You could have done anything, and yet you enlisted as a basic soldier.”
“Andy, are you even listening to me? What the hell are you talking about?” This conversation wasn’t going in any of the directions I’d anticipated. Going for a run or mainlining coffee would be better than whatever this was. I stood, ready to end the call the moment I had a chance.
“I get it now, why it had to be the Army. Nothing happened to you, but you had to watch it happen to others. And you enlisted because going to college, going in as an officer, would be using the same influence that hurt those other boys, and you… You wanted to save people. Save the people you couldn’t save before,” he finished in a whisper as his revelation came to a close. “James, it wasn’t your fault.”
I fell heavily back into the chair. “Yes, it was. I stood there and did nothing. So many hurt… so many that didn’t have to be, all because I did nothing.”
“You were a kid. We all were,” he argued.
“I was old enough when he was there.” I didn’t have to elaborate. We both knew who I meant. Andy’s friend wasn’t even his first victim, and he definitely wasn’t his last.
“No.” The firmness in Andy’s voice took me aback. “I will not sit here and let you take or try to take responsibility for something that was never your responsibility. Adults, faculty, the law failed us. Our only responsibility was coming out alive on the other side.”
I shook my head in wonder at the man my little brother had grown into. “You know I have your article saved? I’d frame it if I actually had a place, but yeah, really proud of how you brought those bastards to their knees.”
“Yeah, well, no good deed goes unpunished. Sadly, I’m not the one who paid that price.” A faint series of chimes filtered through the speaker.
“What’s that? Am I keeping you from something?”
He yawned loudly. “My reminder to get ready for work.”
I got up and peered around to the front of the shop where the blush of morning was beginning to illuminate the front. “Time sure does fly.”
“Sure does. Two things before I go.”
“Shoot.”
“I’m really glad you reached out, though I’m sorry we didn’t really get to your TMI stuff.
I promise that wasn’t on purpose,” he added quickly, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
We might not have talked about my Marc-weirdness, but I felt oddly better, anyway.
“And something you said when we were there has been bothering me.”
“Just one thing?” I teased.
“Har har. Do you really believe Savannah and I think you’re stupid?”
I froze, taken off guard by the blunt question. Words came and went without fully forming. Outside, a mockingbird imitated a car alarm, while inside, the flower refrigerator hummed along. Still, my mind remained obstinately blank.
“Because if we ever made you feel that way, I want you to know it’s not true, for either of us,” Andy said when I remained silent.
“You’ve always been so smart, we couldn’t understand why you would—and this is before my recent epiphany—throw that away to be a common soldier instead of becoming an officer. ”
“Oh, I, uh…” I didn’t know what to say, if I was being honest.
“Anyway, yeah. I wanted to make sure you knew. I’ll talk to you later?” It sucked that he felt like he needed to ask, but it also showed he wanted to keep talking.
“Yeah, I’d really like that. Now go get ready for work. I should probably get my ass in gear too. Today’s a big day.”
“Would have thought that was yesterday,” he said with a snicker.
A laugh snuck out. “I don’t know why anyone thinks you’re funny. No, today is a big day because the shop officially reopens today.”
“No shit! Well, good luck. And tell Marc I said ‘hi’.”
I assured him I would and bounded up the stairs with a smile on my face.
A smile that slid off to splat on the floor the second I walked into the apartment and met Marc’s hollow gaze.
“H-hey, I was just—” calling my brother because I’m freaking out about how in love with you I am.
Definitely wasn’t saying that, not when he was giving me the first look I couldn’t read.
I cleared my throat and stepped toward the kitchen.
“Sorry about the coffee. Lost track of time while I was—”
“Don’t worry about it,” he cut me off. The complete lack of emotion in his voice brought me up short.
“What?”
He shook himself and smiled. “That sounded weird. I meant don’t worry about it because I figured we deserved fancy coffees with it being opening day and all.
I’ll go grab us some and pick up breakfast while I’m at it.
Two birds, one stone.” He continued smiling as he talked and made his way toward the door, but it didn’t touch his eyes, it barely touched his voice, and it didn’t reflect in his energy at all.
As a matter of fact, normally Marc’s energy was a tangible thing, whether he was anxious, excited, or upset. This was none of that. It was… nothing.
“You don’t want me to come with you?”
“Pft, it’s fine. You probably want to shower or… something. I won’t be long.” Without another word, without coming anywhere near me or even saying my name, he slipped out the door.