21. Rule-Breaking
Chapter twenty-one
Rule-Breaking
Paul
Early the next morning, I dressed quickly, skipped breakfast, and took off for Mainview. If last night was any indication of what was going to happen tonight, I had to be prepared. The supplies I needed to buy I sure as hell wasn’t buying in Buena Vista.
Besides, I needed time to think away from my brothers. I’d come in my pants last night like a fucking teenager. Darting away from her wasn’t what I’d planned, but I didn’t know she’d pump my shaft like that either. Holy shit. I left to save face so she’d never know.
After purchasing a lot of condoms, I went to the park just off the college campus to walk around and clear my head.
There had to be something I could do if I wasn’t farming anymore.
Sitting on a bench, I took a career quiz on a job website that told me I wasn’t good at anything in particular.
Great. After I scanned a list of jobs you could get without qualifications, I couldn’t imagine doing any of that, so I was back at the drawing board.
Eventually, I’d walked the trails enough that the restlessness subsided so I could drive back home.
I found Josh on a ladder, prepping the side of a barn for paint. With the paint peeling, it had to be sanded first. It was one of the tasks I’d planned to do with them today. Since the lightning strike that almost hit Rob, I had a rule that none of my brothers would be on a ladder.
“Get your ass down from there!” I hollered to Josh.
After lightning made Rob fall and had the wind knocked out of him, I created new rules for my brothers that not even Dad knew about.
No more use of ladders without my express consent, which I always withheld.
Certain chores I insisted only I could do because I would not lose a brother to this land.
And if a storm was coming, all work stopped.
If it was raining, we were all inside a building.
No more patching in rain or with a storm coming.
Dad would probably hate these rules, but I didn’t care.
He kept trying to prepare me to take over one day.
I was just getting started a little early with extra safety precautions.
Farm life was different than most. We often threw caution to the wind to cut costs or make do, but I was done with that when it came to safety. I wouldn’t put anyone at risk again.
He shrugged. “No. It’s a nice day, and you weren’t here. We needed to get started prepping for paint, so I’m on the ladder with the sander. Deal with it.”
“Don’t make me come up there and haul you down,” I threatened, my heart racing and my palms sweaty despite the cool morning air. “Get off the damn ladder.”
My brothers understood my rules but often fought me about them. Today was no different.
“I’m twenty-five years old, Paul.”
“Don’t matter,” I insisted.
He narrowed his eyes. “I’m old enough to safely stand on a stupid ladder. There’s not even a cloud in the sky.”
Talking about the almost accident earlier made the picture in my head of what happened to Rob even more vibrant.
I could still see him lying there still, looking like death was ready to take him.
I was terrified he died in my arms. Life on the farm was dangerous and things happened.
Dad lost part of his finger when I was six.
The boys were little then and didn’t really understand, but his shorter finger was a constant reminder that accidents did happen.
“I’m not dealing with complaints. It’s the rule. Now, get down here and I’ll take over. We’ll get it prepped today and paint tomorrow.”
Josh stopped to glare at me. “You always want to control everything. What we do, how we do it, where we are when it’s raining, and who goes where.
Everything is always under such tight control with you that it must be exhausting.
Look at what happened with you and Maggie.
If you’d just stopped controlling everything with her, you two may have been married by now, so just lay off. ”
He might as well have slugged me across the jaw. It was like a gut punch when I turned to Sawyer and Rob, whose stern looks told me they agreed with him.
“Fine,” I said, falling back a step. “Fuck you, Josh.”
If they were going to be out there not listening to me, then I wasn’t going to watch it. Mumbling to myself, I got my shopping bag from my truck and stomped into the house.
“What’re you doing in here?” Dad asked.
“Letting go,” I huffed before barricading myself in my bedroom.
After putting some condoms in my wallet, I put the rest in my nightstand drawer and pulled out a journal.
It was just a notebook I’d started writing in a few months ago, trying to learn how to talk about things.
There wasn’t much in it since I never knew what to say, but I figured now was as good a time as any to get started writing anything and everything. I had to learn how to express myself.
An hour later, though, all I’d written was instructions on how to change the oil in the tractor and signs that your cows need medical attention. It was cathartic to write about farm-related things but not exactly what I’d hoped to write.
Anything was helpful, though, right? That was what the counselor lady said on a video series I’d been watching online. This was at least a place to start to improve myself.
After I changed into work clothes, I picked a shit job no one wanted that I could do alone. It was physical and isolated at the other end of the farm, meaning I wouldn’t have to see anyone until dinner.