30. Anticipatory Grief
Chapter thirty
Anticipatory Grief
Maggie
While I sat reading to Mom, sometimes I would stop and stare at her.
If I paused too long, she’d open one eye and chide me, but I couldn’t help it.
There was no way to ignore the changes in her.
Her time was limited. I’d taken photos of her in the same position for days.
Even comparing the pictures from a weeks’ time, I could see the deterioration of her body.
She tired even more easily, her bad time of day came sooner, and the look of her hospice nurse’s eye when she tended to her was filled with the tension of a person who knew she could only do so much.
I tried thinking of it from a practical point of view. Parents were supposed to die before their children. This was the natural order of things, even though it hurt to watch her this way. But emotion charged into the conversation I had with myself, reminding me that it was far too soon.
Since I was only twenty-six, my parents were supposed to here for the settling down, retiring, grandchild phase of life.
She was supposed to be there when my first baby was born and hold her like he or she was the most beautiful child in the world.
She was supposed to make that open, surprised face she made with all babies until she planted kisses all over their squishy cheeks.
I saw her do that with Father’s parishioners’ babies since I was a child.
Every baby in her arms she treated as a miracle.
Every baby but mine.
Because I didn’t have children yet. Because she was going to be taken before I could have any. Because I wasn’t settled down or married yet and wouldn’t be before she died.
I had a dream one night that when I went to Paul at the pond, he proposed surrounded by those beautiful candles he had the other night.
I woke up smiling, only to realize that it was just a dream.
He didn’t propose; he wouldn’t because he didn’t want to marry me.
All this was to him was a pastime, a way to hide from his troubles.
It didn’t mean to him what it meant to me or he would have said something by now.
When Mom fell asleep, I stayed with her, holding her hand for an hour. Then I saw Father’s stern scowl from the dining room telling me it was time for me to leave.
After I shucked the long skirt, I didn’t want to go back to my room, and it was too early to meet Paul, so I decided to try a walk downtown.
There were several small shops, some of them even selling Buena Vista memorabilia, trinkets, and T-shirts, that looked cute.
Remembering Suzie owned one of them, I pushed through her door, sighing at the beautiful scent that greeted me.
“Hey,” Suzie said with a big grin. “Welcome to Heavenly Scents.”
“Thank you. Oh, it’s beautiful in here,” I said, picking up a lavender candle to smell it. “You even have my favorite.”
“Of course. Lavender has become quite popular.” Suzie gave me a sly smile as she approached me. “So, I haven’t seen you in a while. What have you been up to?”
“Going for walks in the park, taking photos, seeing Mom. When I’m not with her, I try to take my mind off how much time she has left,” I replied, returning the candle to the table as a tear rolled down my cheek.
Suzie pulled me into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s so hard to see her wasting away,” I whispered. “She doesn’t eat much anymore, she’s forgetting things, not knowing what year we’re in, and honestly, I’m a wreck.”
I swiped at my tears, feeling exhausted.
“Well, I have just the remedy. Go on, take a seat,” she said, gesturing to a table set up nearby. While she went in the back, I cast my gaze around her store. It was cozy and sweet, just like it was to be with Suzie.
When she reappeared, she brought Irish breakfast tea in steaming mugs that reminded me of Karpathia. We chatted about the town, how it was to have her own business, and all about her family.
“You have to show me more pictures of everything,” I insisted. “You only emailed me a few of the wedding and the boys a few times, but I know there are more.”
Suzie married her high school sweetheart in a small ceremony five years ago. Her sister was her maid of honor, since she knew how I felt about coming back, so she hadn’t told me about it until it was over.
“I would have loved for you to be at our wedding, but I wasn’t going to heap any more guilt on you,” she said as I flipped through the photos on her phone.
When I reached the shots of her on her wedding day in the park posing with Kyle in stunning photos, I sighed. “I’m sorry I missed it, but I appreciate you understanding I wasn’t ready to come back here. And I’m glad you had such a good photographer to memorialize it for you. These are gorgeous.”
“Hired a professional from Mainview,” she said with a smirk. “I had a friend who once told me how important it was to get a professional for an important job like that.”
Grinning, I took a sip of tea, remembering when I told her that. “Your friends are so smart.”
Suzie took her phone back to open a new folder of pictures.
When she turned it around again, I saw her two kids playing in Kyle’s big raincoat and boots in their garage, then running around their acreage.
Kyle was farming his own ground now and his pride in his work shone in his eyes almost as much as the love he had for Suzie.
She called it their forever home which tugged at my heart.
I was so happy for her, but still I felt prickles of jealousy.
I wanted that, too, didn’t I?
“They are such handsome devils,” I said, smiling at a few shots of their goofy grins. They were carbon copies of Kyle and so darn cute. “They’re huge now and look like trouble. Remind me of their names?”
“Deacon and Jonah,” she said. “And they are definitely giving me gray hair. They’re three and four, and more destructive than I ever thought possible. I have to rotate between sets of grandparents to watch them so they don’t get burned out.”
I was having such a wonderful time with Suzie that I didn’t even look at the time until I heard the bell on the front door behind me and heavy footfalls. It was after one o’clock. I’d missed meeting Paul at my hotel room.
“Paul?” Suzie asked with wide eyes. “Haven’t seen you in a while. Is there something I can help you with?”
Turning, I noticed the muscles in his jaw flex. He looked more aggravated than I’d ever seen him. It couldn’t be the way I missed our time together, could it?
He forced himself to be polite and remove his cap. “I was just at Jerry’s next door, walked by, and thought I saw Maggie in here. Weren’t we gonna have some lunch, Mags?”
I felt torn. While I enjoyed what I did with Paul, there was something about spending time with Suzie that I needed today. The easy conversation we were having my frayed nerves. Knowing that Paul would have no desire to talk, I played dumb.
“Oh, was that today? I’m so sorry. I must have put the wrong day in my calendar. Think we could reschedule for tomorrow?” I asked sweetly.
Patience was not always Paul’s forte, but he had to exercise it in front of Suzie or face the rumor mill about us.
Shifting on his feet, he crossed his arms. “How about dinner tonight instead?”
He wanted to have dinner here in town? In public? I almost choked at the thought. News of us going on a date would be circulating everywhere if we went out together.
“Sure, ah, dinner would be fine,” I said, glancing over at Suzie for strength. She grinned back at me. “Should I meet you at Steeplegate?”
He shook his head. “No, I’m taking you to O’Mara’s. I’ll pick you up at your hotel room.”
Suzie gasped. I couldn’t tell whether it was because he’d invited me to the fanciest restaurant in Mainview or the fact that he planned to pick me up, maybe both, but she was doing her best to hold in the squeal until Paul left.
“What time?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady despite the butterflies in my stomach.
With a dark look in his eye, he focused only on me. “Six sharp. I won’t be late.”
I was pretty sure he said his goodbyes to us both, but I was too caught up in watching him walk away to notice. Those jeans hugged him in all the right places, distracting me.
“Wow,” Suzie said, fanning herself.
Remembering how his words to be on time were a promise and a threat, a shiver of anticipation raced down my spine and made moisture pool between my legs.
Her gesture caught my attention, reminding me I needed to cover. “No wow required. It’s just dinner between two old friends.”
Suzie tried to form words, but struggled for a second.
“You-you’re telling me that exchange had anything to do with dinner?
Cause I’m pretty sure that was about something much dirtier.
If I wasn’t a happily married woman with a man of my own who gives me that smoldering look on a regular basis, I’d be jealous as hell. ”
Needing her perspective on this, I encouraged her to tell me more.
Suzie blew out a breath. “You don’t have much experience with men, do you?”
I glanced away, embarrassed. “No, not really. I’ve only been on a few dates.”
“Then you and I need to have a private chat,” she said, giving me a wicked smile as she turned the sign on the door to closed.
Pulling me to the back storeroom, she brought out a plate with dark chocolate covered caramels with a sprinkle of sea salt.
I wondered at the way she was so secretive about everything, but the walls had a way of talking around here. The rumor mill was dedicated to its craft, so taking time alone in a back room might truly be the only way to have a private conversation.
When she had us situated on two barrels, Suzie leaned in. “You and Paul have been going at it, haven’t you?”
Deny, deny.
“What makes you say that?” I asked, hoping my voice wouldn’t give me away but it rose awkwardly.
My cheeks grew so warm, I pressed a cool hand to one of them.