30. Anticipatory Grief #2
She pumped her fist in the air with a grin. “I knew it!” Then she looked all serious again. “Okay, so did this just start recently or have you been a thing since high school?”
I bit my lower lip. “Just since I came back to town. We ran into each other at the diner and then I was just going to talk with him at the pond like we used to, but things between us, well, um, progressed.”
With a squeal of delight, she wiggled on the barrel.
“Suzie, I don’t know what this is. I’m so sad about what’s happening with Mom that I needed something. It was Paul, one of my oldest friends.”
“Who you’ve had a crush on since high school,” she filled in before she popping the rest of the caramel in her mouth. As she chewed, she eyed me carefully. “You really never kissed in high school?”
I shook my head. “He wasn’t interested in me like that.”
Suzie choked on her bite.
I patted her on the back. “Are you okay?”
“Not interested in you?” she said, still coughing. “Are you blind?”
“Apparently?”
She pointed to the door. “That man came in here pissed as hell that he couldn’t be with you right this second. Didn’t you see how his jaw was clenched? His fists were balled up, too. If I’d been a man, he would have decked me for taking your time from him, or out of jealousy, or both.”
“No, Paul would never hit anyone,” I insisted.
Suzie shook her head at me slowly. “Oh, sweetie. If someone was encroaching on his territory, as in you, you’d better believe he would deck him. The way that man was looking at you, he was just short of throwing you over his shoulder and carrying you out of here.”
With a furrowed brow, I looked at the door like somehow it had all the answers. “What makes you say that? He was a little intense, maybe, but that’s just Paul.”
Suzie took my hands. “When a man looks like a woman the way Paul just looked at you, he’s found the woman he wants to be with. Maybe he isn’t ready to admit it. Maybe he’s not in a place he can do much about it. But that man wants you. Desperately.”
She said the words I wanted to hear, but why couldn’t they be from him? Why couldn’t he tell me how he felt?
Biting my lower lip, I tried to figure this out.
“He doesn’t ever say anything like that.
In fact, he really doesn’t say anything at all.
Sure, he enjoys our time together, and makes that clear, but that’s it.
It’s in the moment and gone. And what we have won’t last once I go back to Chicago.
It can’t. We live too far apart, and he’s not going anywhere. ”
Suzie lifted one eyebrow. “Really? Have you discussed that?”
I nibbled at a caramel. “Well, we don’t, ah, talk much.”
Thinking she would find the whole thing too scandalous, I averted my gaze to a soap display nearby. But when I heard her whoop and holler, my eyes darted back to her.
With a huge grin on her face, Suzie patted my knee. “You get it, girl. There’s nothing wrong with having some fun. Don’t be ashamed. You should experience life.”
I’d spent the better part of my life trying to live independently of Father’s teachings.
To live a full life without worrying about the consequences he’d always promised would hit me in the afterlife.
Truth was, I had a strange relationship with religion.
A big part of me thought it was all made up to control the masses, but there was still a little part of me that behaved a certain way because it felt like I should.
The fun, slightly rebellious kid I was in high school turned into a responsible, slightly repressed adult.
Until I came back and had a moment alone with Paul.
“You think?” I asked, shoving the rest of the caramel into my mouth.
She smiled and took my hands. “I think you’re struggling right now and coping the best you can. In my opinion, using an incredibly handsome man as a diversion is never the wrong answer.” She studied my face. “Unless you’re getting attached.”
Could I admit it? Could I tell her I’d been in love with him since high school?
Suzie must have seen something in my face because her jaw dropped again. “Oh, sweetie. It’s too late, isn’t it?”
Swallowing the lump of emotion along with the caramel, I forced a smile. “Of course, not.”
But she either didn’t hear me or didn’t believe my weak protestation. She pulled a small bottle of whiskey from under the cupboard along with two shot glasses. She poured us each and shot and held up her glass to clink it against mine.
“Hang on, babe, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.” Pausing, her brow wrinkled. “But the two of you should talk about all of this. Lay out all the issues and see what options you two have. Things might not be as bleak as you think. Maybe talk at dinner tonight?”
It felt good to have Suzie to confide in while everything was so out of sorts. She hugged me again, pulled me to my feet, and made me feel like things might actually be okay.
Having a friend I could trust was something I’d only managed in Buena Vista.
Back in Chicago, the people I met in the photography industry were competitive.
They were colleagues, not friends, and only interested in making connections for business purposes.
There was no one else I’d talk to about my life.
Well, maybe Karpathia, but she was interested in my art, my skills, and cared about me as a human being, but was too busy for drama.
And while Wyatt had been nice that night, I couldn’t imagine he’d want to hear about any of this either.
After we finished in the backroom and Suzie opened again, we helped a few customers together. I gushed over how much I loved the candles, and she made a couple of sales. We laughed and chatted, and I almost forgot some of my worries.