32. Overthinking Everything
Chapter thirty-two
Overthinking Everything
Maggie
Hormones had completely taken control of me. He smelled so incredible that I couldn’t help myself. But what was I thinking? I couldn’t believe I just did that while Paul was driving. I’d never sucked a man’s cock before, but now I was doing it in a moving truck?
What was wrong with me? What if he’d closed his eyes at just the wrong time?
What if we’d crashed? I trusted him implicitly, but he was human.
I thought if he couldn’t handle it, he would have told me, but why would he?
Men were known to think too much with the wrong head, and from the times we’d spent together, I knew Paul was no different.
I knew I was right about that when his pinkie finger dove under my hem, right back to rubbing against my panties while the radio played soft country music. Even after we’d pleasured each other, he hadn’t let up.
A few times when I wasn’t blinded by a haze of lust, I remarked on how things had changed or asked what was being constructed at a building site.
I’d been here enough times to realize Mainview had changed.
As a college town, they had to keep growing to keep students coming.
This area was nowhere near as big as Chicago, but it was a large city for this area of the state and so much bigger than Buena Vista.
But nothing had my attention as much as the feel of Paul’s fingers.
When we pulled into the parking lot for O’Mara’s, Paul made a show of licking his fingers.
“Won’t have anything this good for dinner,” he murmured.
It made my heart flutter when he said things like that, but also made me speechless.
Having no idea what to say, I watched Paul stop, hop out, and relinquish his keys to a guy who looked like a college student.
I watched him pay the kid, then gestured for him to go around to the front of the truck.
Only then would he open my door where he lifted me down to the ground.
With his hand on my lower back, Paul led me inside.
“Don’t want anyone else seeing the mess I made but me,” he whispered into my ear along the way.
I swallowed hard, realizing he was talking about my panties, and shivered.
He’d made reservations, so we followed the ma?tre d’ past a bar with dark wood, black leather stools, and cream accents that looked luxurious.
We continued down a dark hallway until we reached the back section that overlooked the river.
At a high-top table, we sat at the window where we could enjoy our food in the air conditioning.
Paul pulled his chair around beside me so we could share the view of the water and impending sunset.
“Oh, Paul,” I sighed. “This is lovely.”
“I thought you’d like it,” he said, handing me the menu. “Order whatever sounds good.”
I didn’t realize what he meant until I opened the menu and saw the prices.
Wow. This place thought a lot of its food.
While I tried not to let him notice my discomfort, even in Chicago I didn’t eat at places like this.
I may enjoy the city, but I didn’t throw my hard-earned money at luxuries like this.
What did this mean? Was he trying to say something by spending all this money on dinner? Was he paying me for services rendered? Or was he showing me he could provide for me? Or buttering me up for something?
The longer we didn’t speak, the more awkward I felt.
He was clearly invested in our time together because while he could have enjoyed what I did to him in the truck without consideration for me, Paul brought me to climax first. The salty taste in the back of my mouth reminded me, making heat flush my cheeks.
I reached for my water, taking a long drink.
I felt ridiculous blushing when I was old enough to be a sexual creature. So, why did I feel like a horny teenager who couldn’t ever get enough of a man she wasn’t even sure she was dating?
The waiter came up to us and took our order. I chose something simple, chicken piccata with rice pilaf while he had a steak. Once the waiter left, he took my hand and brushed a kiss on my knuckles.
I purred at the touch and all thoughts flew from my mind.
While he continued to errantly press his lips to my hand, his other hand fell to my thigh.
It was nothing inappropriate, but my heart thundered at this simple touch.
The heat of his palm. The promise of his lips.
At what I knew he could do to my body. He did nothing inappropriate for a restaurant of even this caliber, but every touch heated my blood.
My core throbbed wanting more to come later, especially after the way he was teasing me.
Maybe this was the way Paul courted women. Perhaps this had worked for him before. The thought made my stomach roil, but his squeeze to my thigh made my eyes flick to his.
Entwining his hand on top of mine, he turned my arm slowly to stare at my wrist with longing.
With a low voice, his breath caressed the inside of my wrist. “Penny for your thoughts.”
I wet my lower lip, my words popping out before I could take them back. “Is this a date?”
“Damn straight,” he replied, his eyes capturing mine.
“Anything else you have planned?” I asked, swallowing hard past the desire threatening to choke me.
He pressed a light kiss to the inside of my wrist that made my lips part. “Dinner. Dancing under the stars. And anything else you’d like to do.”
It was the perfect answer. He planned enough that he knew I’d like and didn’t assume it would end at the pond.
“Whole town’s watching us, though, so I can’t keep you out too late,” he murmured against my skin.
Then my heart dropped. “Oh.” My brain went down every slippery slope it could find. “Wait, is that why we’re here? You’re taking me out because of the town?”
I tried to pull my hand back, but he kept a tight grip.
“No, I brought you here because I wanted to have a nice meal with you in a beautiful place. Don’t make a much nicer place than this one, nor a better view, so I wanted you to see it.
As for the town, screw ‘em. I don’t care what they think, but you do.
You wanted to keep things quiet for your mom.
If you don’t want to be cast as my betrothed, I should get you back to your hotel room and a reasonable hour. Alone. People will be watching.”
Ripping my hand from his grip, fire flashed in my eyes. “Why? Do they know already?” My eyes darted around the room, making sure we weren’t overheard before I hissed, “That you’ve been in my hotel room?”
He turned away, swiping nervously at his nose. “Yeah, someone’s been watching us pretty closely. They have pictures of me coming and going during the day.”
I put a hand over my eyes as a shield in embarrassment. “They’ve seen us?”
He scoffed. “Well, you ain’t been that quiet. Wouldn’t have had to see us to know what we were up to.”
Standing, I glanced around. I still felt the moisture between my legs from our time in the truck and with that thing he was doing to my wrist. To get through this conversation, I definitely needed to clean up.
“Sit down, Mags,” he demanded. “Don’t worry about what people think. I sure as hell don’t.”
I huffed as I saw the restroom sign. “I’m going the ladies’ room. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
Blood rushed in my ears as shame and guilt spread to every part of my body. In the bathroom, I cleaned up and washed my hands. Then, I texted Suzie in the lounge area.
Me: Please tell me that people in town aren’t talking about Paul and me. And our … activities.
Suzie: Wish I could, but I can’t. Bets are flying on social media and in person.
Me: That we’ll keep dating or that after, well, you know …
Suzie: Both, honestly. Aren’t you on the date now?
Me: Yes, I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Suzie: That bad, huh?
Me: Paul told me people in town knew about us spending time together when I thought we’d been discreet. I’m too embarrassed to go back out there.
Suzie: Oh, come on. Didn’t you go to Chicago and make the way for yourself there, getting a good career, an apartment you like, and travel like you wanted to? You’re Maggie, the brave wanderer and traveler. You can’t let this get to you.
Was that true? Was I brave enough to discard the opinions of others? It wasn’t like I could change it anyway. Our secret was already out.
After thanking Suzie, I went back to the table, trying to hold my head higher than it was when I left.
Paul stood to hold my chair for me. It really wasn’t necessary, but it felt sweet. Maybe like a peace offering.
He cleared his throat. “I wasn’t trying to upset you. I’m sorry if I did. Believe it or not, I was trying to make this easier on you.”
I kept my back straight to get through the conversation. “I think what would make it easier are a few clarifications. What exactly are we doing, Paul?”
He took a sip from his water glass, his brow furrowed enough to see that the question bothered him. “I think we’ve managed to rekindle our friendship, don’t you?”
“That’s what you told Mom, but is that what we’re doing? Friends with benefits?” I asked sharply.
He straightened the napkin in his lap, keeping his hands busy. “Your friendship is the most important one of my life. No matter what else happens between us, I don’t want to lose that again.”
Forcing a smile, I watched him study my lips as I let my tongue flick out to wet them.
“We should always stay friends, Paul. I agree. We started this to comfort each other. I’d just found out Mom was dying, you had something bothering you, and it was a good distraction.
So, we made each other forget the real world, and what? That’s it?”
“What more could it be, Mags?” he asked, his intense gaze startling me. “Aren’t you eventually going back to Chicago?”
I lowered my gaze to my folded hands. “Of course. It’s my home now.”
But even as I said the words, they tasted bitter. In the short time I’d been here, something had been changing inside of me. Sleep came easier without all the traffic sounds and sirens. Air was less toxic to breathe. Time slowed down. And the scenery was much more picturesque.
Was I sure I wanted to go back to Chicago? Probably. But maybe to tie up loose ends. Maybe to find a job where I could work from anywhere. Maybe if I got a job freelancing where all I needed was a camera, a laptop, and a reliable internet connection.
What was worse than the doubt I felt after saying those words was how it changed Paul’s demeanor throughout the meal. He became distant, focused on his meal entirely, and we barely said two more words to each other until we were back in the truck.
“Where to?” he asked, cranking the air.
Pulling my knee up to the seat, I turned to face him, refusing to put on my seatbelt. “What did I do to deserve the silent treatment?”
His eyes tracked down to where my dress rose. “Don’t know what you mean.”
“You didn’t say a word during dinner.”
He lifted one shoulder. “Enjoyed my food. Didn’t you?”
“Gah!” I cried, throwing my hand up to fall helplessly to my thigh. I wanted to strangle him. “That’s so not the point. I said I was going back to Chicago at some undetermined time, and you just shut down.”
The valet thumped on the hood to let us know to pull away, but I wasn’t done with this conversation.
“Put on your seatbelt,” Paul instructed.
“No,” I said stubbornly.
Since Paul had to move, so he crept forward to a parking place on the edge of the lot, putting the truck in park and letting it idle.
“What do you want me to say?” he asked, his voice strangled.
My body vibrated with anger, longing, a certain amount of desire, and a deep need to hear what he was thinking.
“Something! I need you to tell me what’s going on inside this vault you carry around and never open around me.
You’re so guarded that I don’t feel like I know anything about you anymore. And here I am, an open book.”
His nose flared. “Open book? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, Mags.”
I shook my head slowly. “I told you about Mom the first day I saw you. You still haven’t told me what’s bothering you so much for over a week. There’s something, isn’t there?”
Pressing his lips together, he turned away and gazed out the window. “It’s complicated.”
I scoffed. “And you think I’m too stupid to keep up? What the hell, Paul?”
His head snapped back to me. “My whole world has been turned upside down when you came back. But y’ain’t staying. You just said so. And I don’t even know how to talk about it or what it means for us. I just don’t know how to even deal right now.”
He looked so hurt, so vulnerable that I didn’t even hesitate. That pain in his eyes matched that look he gave me every night since I’d been home. So, I did what I always did. I crawled into his lap and kissed it away. And in helping him, I helped myself, too.
We were so good when we let our bodies do the talking.
There was never a doubt, never a hesitation when we were pleasuring each other.
The only time we floundered was when we tried to define whatever this was between us.
Friends with benefits seemed too cavalier for Paul.
Calling us lovers was too temporary for me because it wasn’t enough.
I wanted more. I wanted to be a girlfriend or fiancée, but what right did I have to ask that when I would be leaving?
So, I kissed Paul like there was no tomorrow. We weren’t guaranteed one anyway. And he responded with the same ferocity he always had, taking my heart and soul to keep as his own.
But who was I fooling? They were his anyway and had been for years. Being with him like this stole extra pieces I didn’t even know I had.
I wasn’t sure who reached for my panties first and I didn’t care. I toed off my white dress sandals and my panties were on the truck floor. He lifted me over him to straddle his lap while I unzipped his pants and pulled out his cock. He was hard as stone as I guided him to my slick entrance.
There was no time for a condom this time. I didn’t think about how different it would fee, I just sunk down onto him, knowing I was protected enough.
Paul muttered a few curses as I sank onto him slowly, kissing me as he tangled his hands in my hair.
While sometimes he would tease me, tonight there was nothing but giving and taking what we needed from each other.
The love we had for each other passed freely between us as he nipped at my neck and massaged my nipples through my dress.
Thrust after thrust, I called his name, making sure he knew he was the man I wanted. He was the only man I would ever need.