51. Having It Out
Chapter fifty-one
Having It Out
Paul
When I heard Maggie’s voice through the door, my hands tingled. She was so close and just wanted her in my arms. Everything felt better when I was holding her.
I could feel her eyes on me through the peephole, but the door didn’t open.
“Mags, I know you’re in there, so open up,” I said, then paused. “I need to see you.”
“What for?” her muffled voice asked sharply. “You never want to talk anyway. And I’m not in the mood for anything else.”
My insides were in knots. We needed to have this out before it went on a second longer. She didn’t know how I really felt, and I had to tell her. I stared down at the bouquet of lavender I’d picked for her this morning before I left, hoping it would give me strength to get through this with her.
“I’m ready to talk. I have so much to tell you, but I’d really rather not do it through a door.”
The deadbolt clicked and the door opened a crack. There she was in an oversized shirt open so wide it fell off her shoulder, making me drool. As my gaze lowered, I realized she had no pants. She looked absolutely gorgeous.
“What?” she snapped.
“Brought you your favorite flowers,” I said, holding the bouquet of lavender out to her, hoping to soften her up a little. She was so distant it was killing me.
I wanted to bury my hand in the back of her hair and pull her to me, crushing my lips to hers, but I had to earn it. We had to have this out first.
“I don’t want your flowers,” she said, moving back to slam the door in my face.
Taking a step forward, I wedged my boot in the doorway so she couldn’t close it. “Why’d you leave without saying goodbye?”
“I was tired of being treated like a whore,” she said, lifting her shoulder casually.
Her words cut so deep that I surged forward into her apartment. “That’s not true.”
Maggie skittered backward, away from me. With a shove of her door, I slammed it behind me.
“I always treated you with respect, Mags,” I rasped.
The way she scoffed stung like lemon juice on a wound.
My chest heaved with how she cheapened what we were to each other. “Our time together was special to me. I know it was to you, too.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Well, you only sought out my company when it was convenient for you. Call it whatever you like.”
I tossed the lavender onto her kitchen island, advancing toward her. “It just so happened my world was falling off the tracks at the time. Remember that first night? Something happened.”
“Mine was falling apart, too,” she said, clenched her fists. “Mom was dying, remember? The difference was, though, that I told you about what was happening with me. You wouldn’t tell me anything.”
I swallowed hard. “I know. I didn’t tell you my troubles because I didn’t want to burden you. And I knew you were coming back here, so I didn’t see a way for us then, but things changed, Mags.”
Hufffing, she crossed her arms. “Yeah, the farm was sold.” She paused for dramatic effect, tapping her finger on her arm with irritation.
“But how could I have known that? You never said a word.” She put her hands on her hips.
“Oh, yeah, I found out for myself. Now that I look back, people in town tiptoed around it, thinking you would tell me, but you never did.”
She found out about it? How?
“That’s what happened before the first time we met at the pond.
It wasn’t a sure thing, but Dad was talking about selling the land.
You were there to take photos, I was so damn happy to see you, and I didn’t know how to feel about losing my future,” I trailed off, scrubbing at my beard, trying to figure out how to explain.
“It was a huge change from the way I thought life would be. Then, when we kissed, and we expressed our feelings without words, it worked better for me. I thought you understood what I was trying to tell you when we were together.”
“Oh, come on. We kissed, we had sex, but it meant nothing because I was just ‘your friend,’ remember?” she said using air quotes.
I hated those goddamned air quotes, not to mention she had it all wrong.
“Friends are where we started and will always be, but being with you always meant more than that to me,” I snarled. “What did you want me to say? It wasn’t fair to pile my problems onto you when you were losing your mom.”
“Don’t bring her into this. And don’t pretend like it was a problem that the farm was sold. It was the solution we’d been waiting for since high school. You weren’t tied to the land anymore.”
How could I explain that it left me with nothing?
I deflated. “You have to understand, Mags. Without farming, I didn’t have a trade or any way to make money. All I was good for was farming, which would always tie me to the farming community, where you didn’t want to be.”
“You know I didn’t care about you working,” she said, pacing in the small space. “I never asked you to provide for me. I never expected it either. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of us.”
“Did you want me to be a kept man, sitting here in this apartment doing nothing?” I shouted.
“Fuck that, Mags. I couldn’t have lived like that.
It never would have worked because I had to have some way to contribute.
Leaping into life here with you with nothing to do would have set us up for failure.
” I paused, my chest tightening at the memory of feeling so damn hopeless.
“We had our time together that made me feel so good about us, but I knew your time in town was temporary. You were always coming back here, and I didn’t know where that left us. ”
She moved to the kitchen, pulling a bottle of water from the refrigerator. “It would have left us as friends, where you wanted to be. If you wanted more, we could have talked about it, looking for a solution together. Crazy idea, I know.”
I lowered my head, taking the hit. Direct to the heart, and I deserved it.
She glanced back into her apartment, averting her eyes. “You didn’t trust me. Not with the news about the land or your feelings, which tells me we have no foundation to build on and there’s nothing between us. I’m sorry you wasted a trip to come here. You can head out now.”
After she took a drink, she set the bottle on the island, her eyes pointedly focusing on the front door.
“Stop trying to kick me out and listen,” I said, trying to get back on track. “I’ve always trusted you. It’s just that you had your own problems, and I didn’t want to add to them. That’s the only reason I didn’t say something.”
Throwing her arms out wide, she hollered, “I wasn’t going to break at the news that you didn’t have to stay on the farm anymore. It was a good thing that we could have celebrated together. Your freedom from expectations and a future forced on you.”
“It didn’t feel like freedom,” I shot back. “It left me reeling, not knowing what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I wasn’t going to dump that on you.”
Maggie snorted. “You make it sound like I was a fragile little girl, but I’m not. I could have handled your problems and mine. I’m all grown up, Paul.”
My eyes darted to her chest where her nipples stood at attention through the light fabric of her shirt. “Damn straight, you are.”
She was hot for me even while we were fighting. Her body betrayed how much my presence affected her, which thrilled me to no end.
Flustered, she recrossed her arms. “Eyes up here. This has been a great talk and all, longer than most of ours, but you still haven’t said what you want.”
I wanted her, but knowing that wouldn’t help to say it that way, I wet my lower lip, pulling it under my teeth as I chose my words carefully.
“I’d been putting off being with you my whole life not because I didn’t want you.
I haven’t been clear about that, so I want to tell you without a doubt that I do want you, Mags.
However, our timing has always been off.
We were never in the same headspace as teenagers when I was going to stay farming while you were already moving forward with your art.
Knowing what you wanted and not wanting to get in the way, I kept you at a distance when we were in high school so you could go live your dreams.” I paused, watching her brow furrow.
“Don’t you understand? I held off of more than friendship for you.
I stayed away so you could become the amazing photographer you are now. ”
She narrowed her eyes. “You made me feel abandoned, but it’s okay because you did it for me? You might need a diagram and some algebraic formulas to explain that one to me.”
“I couldn’t be who you needed me to be back then.
My job was at the farm while yours was to be here learning.
Nothing would have worked out if I’d kissed you back then.
It all would have gone to hell. So, even though I longed for the day I wouldn’t be forced to work the farm, to have it just pulled out from under me shook me.
My duty to the farm was gone, but it scared the shit out of me.
My brothers all had their new paths chosen, but what would I do? ”
Saying the words out loud was a huge step for me. I’d never admitted any of that to another soul.
“Scared? What’s the big deal?” she asked snottily.
“Because it was all I knew,” I said, stepping closer to her.
“Whenever I wasn’t with you this summer, I was trying to get my head in order to figure out what else I could do for work that wasn’t tying me down to one place.
I couldn’t work as a farmhand for someone else.
I’d be no better off. And then there were so many factors to take into account this summer like your mom, finding a way to provide, whether you even wanted to be with me, whether you wanted to stay in the city, your closeness to people back home.
I wanted to do what was best for you, but every time I thought I knew what it was, it changed. ”
“So, basically, you were planning my life, making decisions for my future, without ever talking to me about it?” she asked, bracing herself on the counter.