51. Having It Out #2
Maybe I had done that. I cared so much about her that I planned for her happiness instead of my own. It had felt like the right thing to do at the time, and turned out well for her, but it was time to tell her.
My voice broke as I tried to begin. “Mags.” I paused, clearing my throat as I searched for the words to say what I felt for a goddamn change. “It was like being handed the world this summer, and all I knew I wanted to do with it was to be with you.”
Maggie blew out a breath, then furrowed her brows. “With me? Where did that come from?”
Frustration boiled over in me. “Goddamn it, of course I want to be with you! Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be with you. You’ve always been the one for me.”
With her lips parted, it was everything I could do not to rush in and kiss her, but I had to know how she felt first.
Pushing off the counter, she walked toward the balcony, staring out the window.
“Didn’t you know?” I asked softer as I approached her slowly. “Couldn’t you see with all the things I did? They were all for you.”
She turned with fire in her eyes. “For me? You abandoned me twice as some sort of favor?”
“In high school, I let you be to live your dreams. To come here, go to school, and not get in your way of becoming the most amazing photographer ever,” I explained.
“I couldn’t watch you stay in Buena Vista, dying inside if we’d gotten together then and you’d chosen to stay with me. You had to go, and I had to let you.”
“Then why couldn’t you tell me how you felt this summer?”
“How could I when you were dating another man?” I blurted.
She snapped her mouth shut and blinked a couple times. “No, I wasn’t.”
I shifted on my feet, crossing my arms. “What about the guy at the funeral, the sniffer.”
“The sniffer?” she asked, shaking her head in confusion. “You mean Easton?”
“Yeah, the guy who came to the funeral. Easton. He sniffed you all the goddamn time,” I muttered.
“Easton sniffed me?” she asked, cringing as she focused on the wrong damn thing.
I nodded. “He was your boyfriend, right?”
Maggie took a step forward, her eyes narrowed. “No, I was never dating Easton. He was just a man I thought was a friend who overstepped when I was in a fog at the wake. But if he was such a concern, then why didn’t you just ask me? And what does that have to do with the rest of the summer?”
How could I explain without making her angrier?
“I came to Chicago before you came home. I wasn’t trying to interfere with the life you’d built here, so I didn’t say anything to you but I saw you with that guy,” I said, shifting on my feet. “Then that same guy came to Buena Vista, called himself your boyfriend, and you didn’t correct him.”
Maggie’s jaw dropped. “I was barely functioning the day of my mom’s funeral. Aunt June and Easton kept me together in the days after she died, but not you, by the way.”
“I texted you,” I responded. “I didn’t want to be too overbearing.”
“Easton had my phone,” she said, lowering her chin.
“He didn’t give me the messages, but you also didn’t come check on me either.
As for what he was telling people, I didn’t know he’d called himself my boyfriend until I talked to Uncle Isaac a week later.
I didn’t see how it mattered by that point when you only wanted to be ‘friends’. ”
Snatching one of her air quoting hands, I pressed a kiss to it. “I am your friend, always, but I want so much more with you if you’ll give me another chance.”
“You never said anything like that before,” she said softly, then averted her gaze as she pulled her hand back. “You just slapped the friendship label on us at every turn.”
I was such an idiot before, but I had to make her understand.
“I’m so sorry, Mags. I didn’t want to pressure you. You were going through so much that I thought it would be taking advantage to ask you for anything more than friendship.”
“So, why are you here, Paul?” she asked, gesturing with a wide arc. “Why are you doing this now?”
“Because I can’t breathe without you,” I replied, my chest heaving with emotion.
“I care about you so much that I can’t live without you for one more minute.
Guess I’m saying that I’m finally being selfish.
I don’t wanna wait for you to come to me anymore.
I thought in letting you go, you’d come back and be with me when you were ready, but I’m done waiting.
I’m coming to you, handing you my heart. ”
Opening and closing her mouth a couple times, Maggie looked back at me with glossy eyes.
“You never kissed me in high school no matter how many times I gave you the opportunity. Then, when you had the chance to share your life with me this summer, you still held back. So, you may have convinced yourself at some point recently that you want me, but I don’t know how to believe that anymore.
” She paused, swiping at a tear that fell.
“So, what, Paul? Do you just miss the sex? I’m sure Jo Ellen could help you out. ”
“Jo Ellen?” I muttered, biting off a curse.
“I don’t want her. Goddamn it, Mags! Listen to me.
Back in high school, all I could think about was you and that chestnut hair of yours.
Those gorgeous hazel eyes I could have stared into for hours.
All I wanted was to kiss you back then, but don’t you understand?
You were meant for more than that small town.
If I’d dated you in high school, you would have stayed in Buena Vista.
You would have married me, built a home with me, and died a silent death, losing your spark completely.
You didn’t want a farm wife’s life, and I didn’t want it for you, but back then, I had two options.
Keep you or let you go. So, I chose to make sure you became an artist, to find your passion, and live the life you’d always wanted.
Hell, if I’d kissed you back in high school, we’d be divorced instead of standing here right now with this forever in front of us. ”
I believed that with my whole heart, which was the only reason I could let her go in the first place. We never would have lasted if she’d stayed.
She huffed. “You never talked about your dreams for us, Paul. Never once did you give me any indication you wanted me to live there with you ever, not as kids or this summer. I’d thought about moving back after being there for a while, but all I saw was a friends-with-benefits situation because you never wanted to claim me as yours.
Especially not when the town knew we’d been together. ”
“That’s not true,” I interjected.
“You never called me anything but a friend, so I got the message, Paul. You said it loud and clear,” she said, crossing to the other side of the room.
She’d considered staying? Hope bloomed in my chest again.
“How could I have known you wanted to come home? You always said you were coming back to the city.”
Her eyes flared. “You were the one turning every conversation into fighting or fucking. How was I supposed to tell you?”
Advancing on her, I couldn’t let her get away with thinking that. “You wanted me inside of you as much as I wanted to be there. Don’t go changing history. I never forced myself on you.”
“Of course you didn’t. You used some sort of magical powers to take over my good sense,” she insisted, gesturing at my lower half.
I shook my head slowly, advancing on her.
“The only reason I was able to take your good sense was because you knew how I felt about you. You had to know when I lost control every damn time I saw you. When I dug my hands into your hair and kissed you with everything I had. Every damn day, I told you how much I wanted you with my actions, remember? I bought you your favorite pie, your favorite doughnuts, lavender bouquets from the pond. And I even made sure the Summer Festival happened just so you’d have something to make you smile.
In everything I did, from planting your favorite flowers by the pond to laying out under the stars in my truck bed, I told you how head over heels I was for you. ”
She stopped. “You planted the lavender? I thought it came up naturally.”
Pressing my lips together, I closed my eyes. “Used my allowance money to buy seeds and plants. Every last one of them I planted for you.”
Hoping she was softening, I took another step, but she held out her hand.
“Head over heels. That’s it? You still can’t say how you feel, can you? All you’re saying is that you aren’t ready for the summer fling to be over. Well, that’s too damn bad. I’m moving on with my life.”
I quickly closed the distance between us, clutching her hips.
“Damn straight that fling is over. If that’s what you want to call it, then it’s done so we can start our forever.
And you want that, too. I see in your eyes that you want to believe me.
You care about me, too. I know I didn’t say the words before, but the way I kissed you, lavishing your body with attention and feeling so right when our bodies became one told you everything you need to know. ”
“I need more,” she whispered with a shaky voice. “I need the words, Paul.”
“I love you,” I said, pulling her in for a deep kiss.
As I let my kisses drift down neck, her pulse fluttered rapidly under my lips.
“You do?” she murmured breathily.
The lump in my throat made my voice come out raspy. “I know I didn’t use the words before, but if you look back, you’ll see it in my actions, Mags. I loved you then, I love you know, and you love me, too.”
Her eyes closed as she relished in the way I punctuated my words with kisses.
“So, I’m here now to be with you, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to be by your side forever no matter what. That is, if you’ll still have me.”
When she pushed on me, I opened my arms. My heart dropped as she ducked away, moving over to some sort of large stand by the wall.
“Well, I don’t know. There is another man in my life,” she said, blindsiding me.